


Cloud 9

by SgtPepper007



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Alternate Universe - Music, Angst, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jazz - Freeform, M/M, Music, Musicians, Rock and Roll, Romance, Smoking, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2019-09-25 16:29:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 109,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17124794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SgtPepper007/pseuds/SgtPepper007
Summary: Chanyeol and Baekhyun, both men holding an inconditional passion and love for music, have barely anything in common. One would say their wild and raw feelings for the kinds of music that guides their every move and thoughts are opposites, of different nature.However, there is much more that lies underneath the surface.After all, life is unpredictable.





	1. Chapter I

**Author's Note:**

> This fan fiction is a birthday gift for my friend, Pat, starring her favourite ship: ChanBaek.
> 
> Putting the ship aside, I decided to make a fan fiction that is mainly about jazz since I think many people have a wrong conception about this genre. I know it well, I used to be like that too, but now that I understand it under a different perspective, I wanted to express jazz music in all its beauty through this story.
> 
> Jazz is one of the most mesmerizing, fascinating, interesting, soulful and beautiful kind of music I have ever listened to. The rich harmonies, the wonderful and intelligent voicings, the colours of the chords, the musicians' skills, the heartfelt improvisations, the fantastic melodies and versions by so many musicians that add their own touch; everything about jazz is truly mavelous and I hope I was able to convey its beauty through this story that became very important to me. It became more than just a fan fiction or a story dedicated to a friend.
> 
> Lastly, at the end of the chapters, I will link a jazz piece that was either mentioned in the chapters or just ones that sets the mood. I hope I can make some of you discover the beauty of jazz and if I failed, at least I tried :')
> 
> And also a huge thanks to my friends who supported me through this whole project, it means the world to me.
> 
> Thank you, everyone, because without readers and feedback, this story wouldn't be as meaningful.

The sound of chatter and cheers could be heard everywhere in the busy area of Hongdae. It was always crowded but since it was the weekend, the many parties that were taking place were going wild. The cold October air wouldn’t hinder the mood of the young adults that were too thrilled to give it a second thought, not even to the rain that was currently pouring harshly. Everyone was happy and couldn’t wait to finally relieve their stress and their stiffed bodies. After all, it was mid terms for the students. And what was better to relax than a couple of shots for the adults under constant pressure at work?

However, someone’s mood wasn’t matching the lively area of Hongdae.

Saying that Chanyeol was pissed would be an understatement. His Saturday night was ruined because of his friends, and there was no way that he would forgive them for what they were doing at that moment. The red hair man was not into the mood of partying, at least, partying in the way in which his friends planned.

“This is crazy! I can’t believe I am letting you guys drag me into this!”

His two friends looked at each other shortly before sighing. This guy was truly a pain to deal with. “Come on, it’s not like we are forcing you to take some kind of shady drug.”

“I would rather do that, actually.”

A loud snapping sound soon followed Chanyeol’s statement, making him groan in pain while holding his left arm that was victimized for his stubbornness. “What was that for? I need this arm to play guitar tomorrow!”

“Just shut up and walk. We are arriving soon.”

Indeed, the three young men were getting closer to their destination and Chanyeol’s nightmare; a jazz bar. His friends, Sehun and Minseok, managed to make a miracle happen and convince Chanyeol to spend a night there with them. Sehun was working as a bartender in the underground jazz bar that his friend Junmyeon opened two years ago and he had been bugging his hard headed friend to go there for months. On the other hand, Minseok liked to hang out at his friend’s workplace and enjoy the music of live bands. As a trombonist himself, he enjoyed watching their performances when his schedule allowed him to do so. Sadly, as a music teacher in demand, he could rarely go to the bar.

But for Chanyeol, it was a completely different story. Just hearing the word 'jazz' made his stomach twist in disgust. He couldn’t understand how this kind of music was appreciated with its weird harmonies and boring melodies that weren’t leading anywhere. It was one of the kinds of music he disliked the most. And there he was, walking towards his most hated place under the rain on a Saturday night.

“See? Even the sky is on my side. It is pouring, for fuck’s sake! We should go to a rock concert or a club to have fun and party like crazy, not sit at a table listening to boring music. I swear, if I stay there for more than five minutes, I will fall asleep.”

Sehun and Minseok were starting to be very annoyed at Chanyeol’s behaviour. They wouldn’t expect anything else from the king of stubbornness, but it was getting on their nerves. It didn’t take long for the oldest to put him in his place. “Listen Chanyeol, we are just asking of you to come one freaking night, not every single day for a month. Just try it once and if you don’t like it, we will stop bugging you with this and you can do whatever the hell you want to for the other Saturday nights of your whole life, so just deal with it and see for yourself how a real jazz bar is.”

Chanyeol suddenly laughed at Minseok’s last statement. “A real jazz bar? Why are you saying this? There are plenty of others like this one. It’s not like it has anything special to it,” he exclaimed, amused.

His two friends suddenly stopped, completely blown away by the red hair man’s stupidity. “Chanyeol, you disappoint me.”

Confused as ever, Chanyeol looked seriously at his friends, not understanding where their words came from. Wasn’t every jazz bar the same? Filled with boring people that liked boring music? Maybe they drank in order to forget how awful it is. He should try their alcohol; it must be amazing to make them enjoy such a failure of music. “Why are you looking at me like this? What did I say?”

For the millionth time that night, Sehun and Minseok sighed and started to walk again. It would be pointless to explain it to their clueless friend. Should they even consider him as a friend after all of this? Probably not.

After a while, Minseok suddenly gained his energy. “There it is!”

The group consisting of the three young men all looked up at the sign.

_Cloud 9._

Chanyeol was right: their alcohol was probably heavenly. There was no other reason the bar was named this way. For some reason, it cheered him up a little bit. Even if he was condemned to listen to awful music all night long, at least he could enjoy some tasty beer or some raw whisky to make him forget his ruined night.

Actually, that didn’t sound bad at all.

With this thought in mind, Chanyeol entered the bar with his two excited friends. It was located on the second floor of the deserted building. It was strange since the roads were crowded. It seems like he wasn’t the only one who would never go into this kind of place willingly.

With each step they were taking to climb the stairs, the sound of music could be heard more clearly. There were pictures hanging on the slim walls, pictures of musicians Chanyeol knew absolutely nothing about. Some of them were playing saxophone, other drums, trumpet or piano. There were even a few guitarists that he had never seen before. As a guitarist himself, he was feeling guilty of not recognizing their faces, but the feeling soon ceased when he found himself being curious, even if just the slightest. Jazz was out of his league, so it was normal that he didn’t know them. They were not important anyway.

Soon enough, they were inside the jazz bar his friends wouldn’t stop talking about for the past months. He had to admit that it looked cozy. The walls were a warm brown colour that recalled the bars made in wood in old movies, and instead of having huge lights on the ceiling, the only sources of light were coming from small bulbs that were circling the whole room. There were a few round wooden tables placed everywhere that matched with the colour of the walls while still creating a slight contrast, and tall chairs, also made of wood, with vintage designs engraved on it. It really looked old and it was quite pleasant and calming. Chanyeol was surprised to see that almost all of the tables were full. The bar was on the right side of the small place and a man was standing behind the counter, smiling widely at the opposite direction.

The direction he was looking at was the stage. It was simple but very nice, he had to admit it. It was almost at the same level as the floor; as if to show that the musicians were as important as the audience. It also made them closer to them, which was great.

Chanyeol caught himself being drawn by the bar’s aesthetics before he could control it and cleared his enjoyment away, repeating a few “calm downs” silently to himself, almost like a mantra. With these words in mind, the young man regained his normal self and observed the people in front of him. Four musicians were on the stage: a pianist that gave seducing looks to the ladies who were sitting at the front, a double bass player with thick black glasses and very short hair, a drummer that smiled once in a while, only to reveal his dimples, and lastly, a relatively small man standing in front of a microphone with a trumpet in his hands.

He couldn’t understand why, but his stomach suddenly twisted.

Not because of the disgusting music, but rather because of the man at the front. When Chanyeol noticed him, the pianist finished his solo and gave the other man the cue to start his trumpet solo.

And the twisting of Chanyeol’s stomach intensified.

His eyes were fixed on the stage, not being able to tear his gaze away, the trumpeter he had never seen before casting a spell on him while he was playing. The notes the band played were boring, the music was too smooth for his taste and their smiles were putting him off, but the way that the trumpeter was playing somehow triggered something in him, causing goosebumps to raise on his skin. He wished he could blame the cold, but it would be nothing but a blatant lie.

He couldn’t fully understand why. It may have been because of the way the musician was feeling the music, as if he could feel every single note in his entire body, as if he was even the embodiment of his instrument, which sounded in a way he couldn’t describe. After all, he didn’t know a single thing about brass instruments. The man had a kind of energy that was different, or could it even be described as an aura or charisma? He didn’t really know. The feeling was quite similar to the first time he listened to Taste’s 'Railway And Gun', the song that hit him like a truck at the first listen, that made him fall in love with the guitarist that was one of the most inspiring figures to him musically. The unique churning of his stomach at that moment was familiar, but mixed with something else that he had never felt before. How could such bad music have a similar impact on him as Rory Gallagher’s? It didn’t make sense.

But the way the trumpeter’s body moved with the awful music, the way his notes were singing out of the trumpet, his facial expressions, the way he smoothly pulled his trumpet away only to sing a few words made him feel weird. Very weird. He had been to multiple concert venues, assisted to countless shows, played with many musicians, and after just a few minutes into the bar, he could tell that the band had a spark, the spark that makes a musician a real one.

And his voice. He wasn’t expecting it at all. It was raw, simple, yet expressive.

His stomach twisted even more, if that was possible.

But it wasn’t unpleasant. It was far from being unpleasant.

The clapping of the audience made him regain his senses. He shook his head in an attempt to push away the very strange feeling that possessed him, realising that his heart rate had quickened and that his goosebumps were not showing any sign of retreatment, feelings and reactions that he couldn’t understand at all no matter how many times he had felt these sensations while listening to his favourite artists. Chanyeol looked around and spotted his friends at the bar talking to the waiter that was there earlier. He then took a glance at the trumpeter, being able to see him smile fully, seemingly satisfied by his performance and the audience’s enthusiasm.

Once again, his stomach twisted.

At that moment, Chanyeol averted his gaze quickly and made his way towards his two friends while pushing away, once again, the strange feelings that were taking over his usual self, focusing on maintaining a steady breathing pattern with every step as he approached them. Now that the music stopped, he could hear the sound of rain hitting powerfully the windows. Somehow, it made him feel safe.

Maybe his Saturday night wouldn’t be that bad.

 

[Chet Baker - That Old Feeling](https://youtu.be/s4lZMhoS1ls)


	2. Chapter II

Baekhyun was in delight. He was feeling more alive than ever. Every performance he gave was an intense rush of adrenaline and pleasure that were flowing through his entire body and soul, but this night was different. His mood was even better than usual. It may have been because of the few shots of Whiskey he took before going on stage or the mood he was magically in since he woke up that day. He couldn’t fully understand it, but he couldn’t care less. He was having one of the best performances of his life and he would enjoy it as much as he could.

He could feel every chord Jongin was playing in his whole body. The delicious 13th notes he added with taste drove him crazy. He would peek at his friend’s hands that were moving naturally and smoothly, brushing each key with softness. Only Jongin could pull off this kind of playing so perfectly.

Baekhyun’s hips would swing effortlessly, following Yixing’s soft but confident beats on the drums that were guiding the song skillfully. Nothing was rushed. It was fast but slow at the same time. Every single hi hat beat resonated through Baekhyun’s body and made his heart beat faster, entering in a kind of trance.

And to top it off, Kyungsoo’s agile notes on his double bass made Baekhyun’s soul melt. He believed that the real reason he was in such a good mood was because of their new addition to the group. It was their first performance with him and it was just as he imagined it to be: magical. The band was looking for a bass player for months but couldn’t find one. Somehow, it was hard to find one in the streets of Seoul, but Baekhyun’s childhood friend wanted to join them after learning to play the instrument, and their first test as a group with the new member so far was a success. Kyungsoo was a music genius; he had the perfect pitch, an incredible understanding of music and a lot of sensibility. In other words: he had the greatest combination. And Baekhyun truly was in cloud 9, both physically and mentally.

As he was listening in complete bliss to his friends’ performance, he closed his eyes and lifted his trumpet in front of him, engulfing himself even more into the music. Jongin’s solo wasn’t over yet but he didn’t care. The pianist, catching the movement on his right, understood that Baekhyun was urging him to finish because he couldn’t wait anymore to play, which made him smile. He could be so impatient at times. He glanced shortly at the crowd and winked at the girls at the front who were rooting for him. He then nodded towards his eager friend to let him start his solo.

When Baekhyun was in the mood, nothing could stop him.

And finally, it was his time to shine.

With his body and soul in complete trance, Baekhyun started to make his trumpet sing. Every single note he played came out smoothly like honey, enveloping him with warmness as he let his inspiration and the chords guide him. With every second passing by, he got more and more into it, completely ignoring the fact that a crowd of people were watching him intently. At that moment, the only thing that mattered was his trumpet, the only thing that could make him feel alive, that allowed him be himself, his heart and soul bare as he stood confidently at the front of the stage while he was doing what he loved the most.

When he finally decided to finish his solo, content, and at the same time regain his senses, he ended the song with his mellow voice while singing the final words of the song and let the sound of the last piano chord resonate in his body one more time, the ending chords of jazz tunes never failing to stir unexplainable feelings in him. Soon enough, the crowd was clapping and cheering loudly, making him proud and even more satisfied of his friends’ and his own performance. He couldn’t hide the huge smile on his face. He was still feeling as if he was floating.

Since 'That Old Feeling' was the last song on their set list before taking a break, all the members bowed and got off the stage after cracking a few jokes. He wanted to play a few more songs more than anything else, but they had played for an hour already. It was time for a well deserved break.

“Baek, wasn’t the last song supposed to be 3 minutes long? It took 5!”

“Really? I didn’t notice," replied the trumpeter with a cheeky grin.

“Of course you didn’t," added Jongin with a sigh and a fond smile.

But even if Baekhyun was sometimes hard to deal with because of his selfish desires of improvising for far longer than planned, he couldn’t be mad at him. After all, jazz was the only thing that gave him a complete sense of freedom. He may love jazz too much, but his passion was what made him an outstanding musician.

The four band mates joined their friends at the counter of the bar before receiving a huge hug from Sehun and Minseok, congratulating them on their performance as well as their new member.

“Soo! You were amazing out there!” praised Sehun.

“Yes! Our Kyungsoo played like a God! I wouldn’t want any other double bass player in my band than you!”

Kyungsoo was engulfed in Baekhyun’s arms as soon as he said these words. The bassist wasn’t much of a hug person but they were in such a great mood that he let him be.

“I think that Baek has a little bit too much of Whiskey in his veins," added Minseok playfully.

The group of friends laughed cheerfully at the oldest's statement, Baekhyun ignoring them and hugging his other band mates as well. When the hug festival ended, the enthusiastic men sat at a table with a beer for each one of them.

“So, to celebrate Baek, Yixing and Kyungsoo’s band and this wonderful Saturday night, cheers!”

“Cheers!” shouted the others in unison before taking huge gulps of the delicious beer that Junmyeon prepared especially for them.

As soon as they finished half of their beer in one shot, Jongin left them and went straight to the bar to continue his shift and to give drinks to the regulars that were waiting impatiently to chat with him. Along with Sehun, he was a bartender there, and since Junmyeon would be hanging out with his friends for a short while, he couldn’t leave the counter alone.

“Why didn’t he mention the pianist as being a part of the group earlier?” quietly asked an unfamiliar voice among the seven men that were sitting together.

“Oh, that’s because Jongin isn’t a part of the group. He plays piano, but mainly to jam with them or when Baekhyun wants to play the trumpet,” answered Sehun.

“Oh, I see.”

Finally noticing that someone he didn’t know was drinking with them, Baekhyun scanned the table until his eyes met with a man sitting in front of him, probably his age. The man was sitting comfortably and looked at him with both curiosity and confidence. He had red and curly hair, long enough to reach his shoulders.

The owner of the bar, noticing the small exchange, was the first one to break the silence that was taking place, which was masked by the loud chatter of the customers. “That’s right! We still haven’t introduced everyone to your friend, Sehun and Minseok. We should introduce ourselves.” Junmyeon proceeded to do so and explained to the new guy who everyone was, including the instruments they played. “So, the drummer is Yixing, the double bass player is, as you could guess, Kyungsoo, the pianist that isn’t really a member of the group is Jongin, and lastly, the singer, trumpeter and pianist in front of you is Baekhyun.”

“You can call me Baek or Baekhyun, whatever suits you. Nice to meet you!”

The stranger looked at everyone, memorizing the new pieces of information that were revealed and stopping when his eyes met with Baekhyun’s. He seemed disinterested somehow, which surprised Baekhyun and took him a little bit off guard. He wasn’t one to judge someone he knew nothing about, but the air around him aggravated him in some way. In order to not let him ruin his mood, he did was he was the best at aside from playing music: drinking.

Junmyeon then continued, “Oh and there is also a saxophonist in their band. He is called Jongdae. He couldn’t make it for the first part today but he will come later to join them on stage. Lastly, Sehun and Minseok probably told you about me, but I will still introduce myself:  I am Junmyeon, the owner of Cloud 9. I don’t really play an instrument well, but I am trying to learn the piano. Nice to meet you…”

“Chanyeol. My name is Chanyeol.”

“Right, sorry! Nice to meet you, Chanyeol, and welcome to Cloud 9!”

With Junmyeon’s exclamation, the men at the table all cheered again and finished their beer. Baekhyun let a satisfactory sigh past his lips after gulping the last drops of the alcohol that pleasantly warmed his throat. Junmyeon's special beer was truly the best.

“So, Chanyeol, do you play an instrument?” asked Yixing while leaning back on his chair, completely relaxed, wanting to know more about the newcomer.

The red hair man smiled widely. “I play guitar. I also have my own band.”

“Oh! A guitarist! Your band should come and play here sometime too. A change of scenery would be nice!”

“Yixing, are you kicking our group out?” Offended, Baekhyun sent a menacing glare towards the Chinese man. “We have been playing here five nights every week for three months already and everyone loves it. Don’t you dare put us aside for a group we know nothing about. We are the official band of the place and it won’t change.”

"We aren't the only band who plays here, Baek. We have various guest bands once a week too," added Kyungsoo.

Baekhyun, unconvinced, squinted at his band mates and lifted his glass of beer before remembering that it was empty. Yixing chuckled at his friend jumping into conclusion and patted his shoulder. Interrupting their exchange, Chanyeol laughed loudly, finding their argument extremely funny. It somehow ticked Baekhyun at the wrong place. His laugh was full of venom, disdain even. Was he looking down on them?

“Don’t worry about my stealing your precious place here. I don’t play jazz; I have a rock band.”

“Chanyeol dislikes jazz so you don’t need to worry about it, Baek,” said Sehun.

“Actually, I don’t dislike jazz; I hate it.”

Chanyeol’s expression was turning more confident, almost judging. And Baekhyun hated it. It seemed like Chanyeol had quite a character, based on his attitude so far as well as his stance. Just his posture said a lot about him. But no matter how much Baekhyun despised these kinds of people, he was enjoying the turn that this conversation was taking.

With a playful smile on his lips and getting into the mood to torment the newcomer, the alcohol affecting his senses a little bit more, Baekhyun started to get immersed into the interesting conversation. “And may I know the reasons why you dislike jazz so much?”

“Please guys, not again! I’m tired of talking about this with Chanyeol, don’t join him in this, Baek.”

Ignoring Minseok’s words, Baekhyun and Chanyeol soon found themselves staring at each other silently, the tension escalating as fast as lightning. Chanyeol was smirking and crossing his arms, revealing his muscles that were exposed by his sleeveless shirt in which there was an image of a group, as well as the name Led Zeppelin, printed on it. “I just find it boring. The chords are thrown out randomly and the melodies are everything but interesting. And it is way too smooth. I like it when it’s loud, energetic and crazy. I love jumping around on the stage and hearing my guitar scream in the speakers. I love the sense of freedom I get when I improvise a solo, when I have so much adrenaline flowing through my veins that I can’t feel anything else than the strings under my fingers and the fans cheering for me. The more aggressive, the better.”

Chanyeol was truly passionate about music. Anyone could see it in his eyes; they were burning with fierce love and a strange sense of tenderness. And Baekhyun liked it. Just hearing him talk about his views of music gave him goosebumps. He may have insulted his favourite kind of music, the one thing he loved the most and that made him earn a living, but his confidence and his apparent passion was enough for him to let it slide. Baekhyun felt the adrenaline he had on stage a while ago, the same feeling that Chanyeol was explaining. The guy didn’t know a single thing about jazz, but he would be glad to teach him a lesson or two.

They stared at each other for a while, caught up in their own world and forgetting that their friends were still there, listening carefully to their exchange. At that moment, only the sound of chatter, faint music of a record that was playing and the pouring rain hitting the windows, filled the room. But for the two new acquaintances, only their heart beats could be heard, and it was for the same reason; a similar passion for music.

“What kind of jazz have you listened to up until now?” asked Baekhyun.

“What do you mean, 'what kind of jazz'? The same one you play: slow, long and boring, the kind of music that is played in fancy Italian restaurants and elevators.”

Chanyeol’s statement made Baekhyun burst of laughter. This guy was hilarious. The more he talked to him, the more curious Baekhyun was. The typical yet unique character in front of him was quite intriguing. “And you call this music jazz? You have been living in a lie, Chanyeol. Jazz is not what you know. It is a hundred times better than that,” said Baekhyun with a genuine yet daring smile on his face.

At that moment, a man panting like he just ran a marathon loudly entered the bar and didn’t waste a single second before joining the group of musicians at their table.

“There you are, Jongdae! We were waiting for you!” exclaimed Yixing before hugging him even though he was drenched. It seems like he forgot his umbrella at home, once again. That guy could be so forgetful at times.

“Sorry for being so late! But I am ready to go on stage now, just let me tune my baby.”

Without waiting for them to answer back, Jongdae ran to the stage and took his saxophone out of his case, stars shining in his eyes.

He had the look.

That look.

Baekhyun instantly knew that he was preparing himself to play the show of his life. And he couldn’t wait to join him. The mood was indeed amazing that night.

As he was watching the saxophonist, Baekhyun got up from his chair before looking at Chanyeol straight in the eyes, his mood getting better each passing second. He was more than ready to impress the ignorant red haired rock fan. “Let me show you what real jazz is, my dear friend.”

With a genuine and excited smile, the trumpeter left him at the table with the others and climbed on the stage followed by a desperate but not surprised drummer and double bass player. They were used to his antics. They still had fifteen minutes of break left before the second part of their performance but Baekhyun couldn’t care less.

He had to go on stage now.

So he did.

While Jongdae was wetting the tip of his mouthpiece after having tuned his instrument, the other members getting ready as well, Baekhyun shouted in the microphone, “Any request, everyone?”

The crowd, happy with alcohol in their veins and excited to hear live music again, looked at each other before a man in his forties screamed “Remember!”

The members all looked at each other and approved. They enjoyed playing that song once in a while and it was a good mood maker.

When everyone were in their respective positions, waiting to play, Baekhyun took a seat at the piano, ready to have the performance of his life once again. He looked lovingly at the keys and slightly brushed it, faintly feeling it under his fingers, but enough to make the adrenaline flow in his body like he got an electric shock. That feeling was wonderful, addictive.

Baekhyun looked at Jongdae once again while he was focused on his instrument, probably regretting walking on the stage without warming up beforehand. This man was one of the best saxophonists he knew. And he had the talent to flip everyone upside down with his musicality and his vibrato always put at the right places. “You better get ready Chanyeol, because this will be one of the greatest shows you will ever see," he said to himself.

Baekhyun snapped his fingers to give the tempo of the song and got into the mood at the same time. He counted loudly and the band followed his indication, smiling even though they were exasperated at his antics that shortened their break. As soon as they played the first notes together, Baekhyun got lost once again in his playing and enjoyed every single second of their performance. He was delighted at their musical chemistry that was at its best that night, completely immersed into the songs they played, even forgetting the guy he just met that was quietly watching them from afar with an incredibly fast paced heart rate.

 

 

[Hank Mobley - Remember](https://youtu.be/KV0HX9sk_04)


	3. Chapter III

Chanyeol hated it.

He really hated it.

He hated the fact that even though a week passed since he spent a night at Cloud 9, he couldn’t stop thinking about them. And what aggravated him the most was that a certain someone, more specifically a black haired man with a contagious smile, was messing with his mind.

And now that he was practicing with his band mates at a music studio, he was pissed. More than ever. Not only because of the trumpeter’s expressions he couldn’t erase from his mind, but also because they were trying to recruit a new guitarist, one that would do the rhythm guitar for the band, and the guy that they were testing at that moment was so bad that it infuriated Chanyeol. The fact that the three previous ones were not better didn’t help raising his mood at all. At least he was atrocious in Chanyeol’s eyes, since his friends liked the recruit.

“Okay, okay. Stop.”

The newbie and Chanyeol’s friends did as they were told, getting more impatient because of Chanyeol’s temper that was starting to be unbearable. The tension kept escalating and they were sick of his unprofessional attitude and lack of patience, the second being nonexistent in the first place.

“That’s enough, you can go now.”

The guitarist then looked at Chanyeol who was visibly annoyed. He looked at the red hair’s band mates for a few seconds, hesitation evident through his gaze, and prepared to unplug his electric guitar from the amplifier when the drummer, Yi Fan, stood up and made a sign to not move. “It’s alright Minho, we will try another song," he exclaimed with a loud and confident voice.

Chanyeol couldn’t understand why Yi Fan was standing up to him. That guitarist was awful. He would never let him join his band. And he wouldn’t play with him again. “I said that it was enough. We don’t need to listen to him again, I already heard him well.” He then looked at Minho straight in the eyes. “You can leave now.”

“Minho, don’t listen to him.”

If steam could come out of Chanyeol’s ears, it would have been the right moment for it. Barely controlling his anger at this point, he ruffled his hair and faced the drummer, the situation testing his limits, which only worsened his mood that was foul ever since the first guitarist who tried out for the spare position played his first note. Chanyeol really couldn’t deal with their bullshit any longer. “Yi Fan, what are you playing at right now? Didn’t you hear me? It’s over! O-V-E-R.”

Chanyeol was harsh as he spit these words with venom, insisting on the last word, and he could see Minho from the corner of his eyes jump from his tone of voice, another thing added to the list of the reasons why he couldn’t be a part of their group; they were not looking for some shallow character. They played rock n’ roll, for fuck’s sake. They had to be confident and hold no fear for any kind of disturbances. Their usual environment was anything but tame. However, Yi Fan retorted, not impressed. “Maybe you heard him enough, but Zitao, Lu Han and myself want to play some more with him, so can’t you just behave and let us play another song?”

Yi Fan also had enough and no matter how hard headed and pissed Chanyeol was, for a reason he couldn’t understand, he wouldn’t let Minho leave like that. He had potential and he would make him play some more with them no matter if his friend was happy or not about it. Chanyeol may be the leader, but he can’t take decisions without taking their thoughts into consideration. He wouldn't let him do that.

On the other hand, Chanyeol was discouraged. What did that guy have that made them even want to play with him? However, seeing how Zitao and Lu Han seemed to share Yi Fan’s point of view, Chanyeol sighed and turned up the volume of his electric guitar, making his strings screech as he was testing the balance. He may be stubborn and irrational at times, he was more than aware of it, and his sanity was barely hanging on a thin line, but the majority won. That’s how it worked in their band. He just had to bear playing one more song. Then, they would take a break and he could finally get out of the studio that was starting to be very uncomfortable and suffocating, not only for him and his band mates, but also for the guitarist that seemed at loss and confused in front the angered group. That Minho guy really had no idea what he was getting into while trying out to join their band.

“Which song would you like to play, Minho?” asked Lu Han, the calmest member of the group at that moment.

The guitarist seemed lost in his thoughts for a while until he suggested 'Just Hit Town' by Rory Gallagher. The choice of song would normally make Chanyeol jump of joy, but knowing that he had to play the song with Minho made him even more pissed. Playing the song with him would ruin it. Yi Fan, knowing Chanyeol too well, looked at him and gave him a scolding look, silently asking him to shut up and bear with it.

Yi Fan sat down in front of his drum set and got ready. Zitao then positioned his electric bass and Lu Han took the microphone in his hands, ready to give his all. As for Chanyeol, he sighed and took his slide out of his pocket to put it on his finger, waiting for Minho to start playing since he had to open the song with his chords.

And as Chanyeol expected, it was awful. A song from one of his favourite musicians had never been so displeasing to perform. Actually, Minho was a great guitarist, technically speaking. He knew his chords well, he could improvise a little bit too and his fingers moved skillfully on his fretboard, but he had no soul when he played. It felt empty, deprived of any meaning. He was playing just to play, just so there would be no wrong notes, for the sake of it. There were no feelings involved. The way he played was almost mechanical and at that moment, Chanyeol could sense how stiff he was from the way his fingers moved without much fluidity, even though he was still showing some agility, or by his posture. But he wasn’t stupid enough to ignore the fact that his previous argument probably didn’t help him to calm down and to feel comfortable. Chanyeol cracked a wicked smile at that; maybe it could play against him and discourage the other members to take him in. He could have gone all out.

And the newbie didn’t seem to understand how to tune down his playing when it wasn’t his time to shine either, something that aggravated Chanyeol at that moment while playing his first solo. The rhythm guitar was way too loud and aggressive. Minho had no sense of balance and didn’t listen to the other instruments. He kept accelerating the tempo, ignoring the bass line that was steady and firm, as well as the drums that were strong but somehow weaker than usual, thanks to Chanyeol’s outburst earlier that also influenced Yi Fan’s playing. And the sound of his guitar didn’t complement Lu Han’s voice either. It wasn't any different for the other parts of the song. Playing like this was a nightmare.

As he was listening to Lu Han sing the last verse, Chanyeol closed his eyes in an attempt to calm down when Baekhyun’s face suddenly came to his mind and took over his senses. As the seconds passed by, he felt like he wasn’t playing with them anymore, his surroundings dissipating as Baekhyun's face became clearer in his mind. He didn't fight against it; he was welcoming it, even. He was not in the studio, but rather at the bar. He could see the dimmed lighted stage and even smell the place. He could hear the clinking of the glasses and feel the wooden floor under his feet, even feel the delicious beer he had consumed sliding down his throat pleasantly. It was not Lu Han singing anymore, but rather the trumpeter. Baekhyun didn’t have the kind of voice that would naturally fit rock music, especially this song, but he couldn’t stop picturing him singing at that moment. He was imagining how he would move with the microphone, how he would pronounce the words, how he would interpret the song with his own colours and his passion to die for. He wondered how he would feel the song, how Kyungsoo would match Yixing’s drum playing with his ingenious sense of rhythm, as well as how unusual but interesting the song would be like with the addition of Jongdae’s saxophone. He could feel a chemistry, a musical connection. He could feel goosebumps on his skin by the jazz musicians’ flawless skills that were more than impressive.

But the sensations died as fast as it came when Lu Han’s voice took over and Minho’s soulless playing reached his ears again. It was awful. Their playing was awful. Nothing compared to the jazz musicians he met a week ago. They were a mess.

Now, Chanyeol was in complete fury.

Fortunately, the song gave Chanyeol the opportunity to play his guts out. He could be as aggressive as he wished and he didn’t hold back while playing his last solo, making his guitar scream with full force and destabilizing the other members because of his sudden outburst of anger through his playing. He was too pissed to care about anything else than letting his frustration out that was only getting more intense by the second.

But he couldn’t take it anymore. So he abruptly stopped the song by unplugging his guitar, making the amplifier screech loud and aggressive noises. He even broke his wire while pulling it with uncontained force, to his dismay. Those things weren’t cheap and he was already struggling to pay his rent. Everyone was now looking at him, stunned and furious, while he was tidying his belongings and sliding his guitar case on his shoulders, leaving his broken wire on the floor. It was useless anyway.

Without even looking at them, he headed towards the door. “I’m out.” With these words, he exited the studio and slammed the door, making the sound resonate through the entire hall. Other people were practicing in the neighbouring studio rooms, but he couldn’t care less. It was too much for him to handle and he had to vent his uncontrollable emotions.

As he was storming out of the building, he took a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it with hands that were shaking of anger. He had been trying to stop smoking for a few weeks and it worked after lots of efforts, but screw it; he needed a few puffs more than anything else at that moment. He could stop smoking again later. For now, he could just blame his band mates that were avid smokers as well and didn’t help him restrain his consumption.

However, he was so pissed that even a cigarette didn’t help him as much as it usually did. He needed to scream, to destroy anything that would come his way. But instead of doing so, since he had at least a little bit of humility and a sense of understanding, after all, he was in the streets of Hongdae surrounded by a crowd of people, he opted to walk while smoking his unhelpful cigarette and cursing.

“Fucking shit.” He probably looked like a psycho, walking around while talking to himself and glaring at whoever dared to glance at him, but he didn’t care if people around him were getting scared; he had to ease his anger through any mean aside from destroying things that were not his property. He tried that before and it didn’t end well.

He didn’t notice it earlier, but it was now nine o’clock. He had been playing for two hours already. Two hours that was pure torture. Even though it was a Tuesday night and that it was still too early to party, the streets of Hongdae were full, as usual. It was crazy how this part of town was always so lively. At least the people around were full of excitement and joy, emotions that he was unable to feel at that moment. It even angered him more to see everyone else having fun aside from him, laughing as if they were having the best time of their lives. They probably had a miserable life, seeking partying to ease their sadness and desperation. How couldn’t they, in this shitty and incredibly flawed, judgemental, society? He chuckled bitterly before free falling into a deeper hatred he didn’t want to awaken again. He was having enough bullshit to deal with, he didn’t need more reasons to worsen his mood.

While Chanyeol was walking, leaving a trail of smoke behind with every puff of cigarette he took in an attempt to ease his nerves, he reached the area where random musicians could perform. There were a few stairs that led to round areas that were close to each other and where people could sit to watch. When passing by, the many different performances that were occurring at the same time sounded cacophonic, but when sitting at one spot in front of the performer you wanted to hear, only that person could be heard. Chanyeol sat down and listened to a few of them. Some were playing guitar while singing, others were dancing and putting on a show to Kpop music. They were all good, in all honesty. At least they performed with passion, unlike the four guitarists that were trying out with his band earlier.

What would they be doing at that moment? Playing more with Minho or with the other guitarists who showed up? Or would they be taking a smoke outside while cursing his name? The last option sounded great. They deserved to be as mad as him with their lack of judgment.

Chanyeol had wanted to create the perfect band since he was a kid; the band of his dreams, his ideal. When he met Yi Fan, Lu Han and Zitao, they instantly connected. Each of them had a dying love for rock and blues music and they got along well. They had fun when they performed together, even though they were all strong headed and had clashes on a daily basis. The Chinese men were talented and practiced like crazy in order to improve and to match Chanyeol’s skills and extravagant ideas, but it was getting harder for the four of them to play together. They all had their own ideas and sounds, which blended perfectly together, but Chanyeol’s mood swings were getting worse and he became even pickier, especially since he spent the night at Cloud 9. He was hard to deal with, they knew it, but they were losing their musical connection, it had been this way for a while. They were all aware of it but no one dared talking about it. They loved the band too much to let it break apart for this kind of reason. But Chanyeol’s outburst today was a clear sign that the tension that was building up was meant to burst sooner or later. It couldn’t be avoided.

Chanyeol was tired, so tired of everything; of his band slowly collapsing, his dream that was being crushed at the same occasion and the fact that the musicians he met a week ago left such a deep impression on him. He wouldn’t dare admit it, but he was jealous of them. He was jealous of their happiness, their common passion and mostly their musical connection. They had everything he didn't.

He couldn’t understand what made them so passionate about jazz. He didn’t feel anything while hearing their favourite kind of music. But what was even stranger was that his knot in his stomach wouldn’t disappear. He didn’t know how they did it, but there was something about their performance that was so satisfying. It was somehow freeing and…pure. He could still clearly see them move in sync with their instruments, feeling each note they played and with such control and precision. They were not only stunning players, but also passionate. But what stroked him the most was Baekhyun singing and playing the trumpet as if it was an extension of him. And his piano solos were so full of emotion. Baekhyun’s whole body was melting with each chords and notes he played. Even his back was expressive while he played piano. Chanyeol hated the music, but their performance was incredible. How he wished he had a band as united as theirs.

Now, instead of being solely angry, sadness was taking over.

Great.

Since he couldn’t stay still with his mixed feelings, he decided to get up and continue to walk around Hongdae. After about an hour, Chanyeol finally stopped in front of a strangely familiar place. There was jazz music playing faintly, which made him turn his head around only to notice that he was heading towards Cloud 9 the whole time without even being aware of it. And he was right in front of the entrance. Without knowing why, he slowly climbed the stairs that led to the second floor of the building, as if a kind of energy was pulling him. The closer he got to the bar, the more the butterflies in his stomach would be agitated. But there was no way that he would openly enter the place. So instead, he went downstairs again and sat almost at the bottom of the stairs, far but close enough to hear the band playing.

The feeling was different from the musicians he listened to the last time. They were clearly not the ones playing. As if on cue, while he looked at his left, he noticed a small board. It was written:

 

"ᴛᴜᴇꜱᴅᴀʏ, ᴊᴀᴍ ꜱᴇꜱꜱɪᴏɴ ꜰʀᴏᴍ 7 ᴛᴏ 1 ᴏ’ᴄʟᴏᴄᴋ. ᴏᴘᴇɴ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴜʙʟɪᴄ."

 

Oh. That’s why they were not playing. Chanyeol then remembered how Sehun explained him that once a week, there was a night where students or amateur musicians could gather there and play together for fun. Anyone could go on stage and play with strangers. It seems like it took place on Tuesday nights.

Somehow even more depressed than earlier, the guitarist took another cigarette out of his pocket, the fourth one since he stormed out of the studio. It would be hard to stop smoking again since he could already feel his old addiction coming to the surface. At that moment, he could hear the sound of footsteps coming from the top. The sound kept getting closer and closer until it stopped. While Chanyeol let out a long breath of smoke, he turned around, seeing the main subject of his latest torments, the man with short black hair and a smile that made the butterflies in his stomach go wild, the devil in himself: Baekhyun.

 

[Rory Gallagher - Just Hit Town](https://youtu.be/yJ3jgIZDOwc)


	4. Chapter IV

 

 “Why are you smiling like that, Baek?”

Jongin’s question startled Baekhyun for a second, waking him up from his daydreaming while watching the students jam together on the stage. He tore his gaze away from them and directed it at Jongin, who was behind the bar counter, pouring a couple of drinks. His question made his smile wider. “They remind me of myself when I was their age.” Baekhyun looked at the students again, a wave of nostalgia hitting him. “I can’t help but think about the times when I was a student and that I was forced to jam with strangers on my first year. I was so shy and mostly intimidated at first, especially since they made us play with the seniors. I still remember how awful the first practice went.”

Jongin’s soft laughter made the trumpeter smile even more. “Yeah, I still remember that day. You crashed in my place to cry for hours because of how humiliated you were.”

With the embarrassing moment recalled, Baekhyun slapped his friend lightly on his arm, a faint blush colouring his cheeks. “Shut up.” They both continued to laugh, trying to keep a low volume but failing in the end.

Even if Tuesdays were one of his only days off, Baekhyun couldn’t help but come to the bar and watch the students and amateurs play. He would think about his improvement as a musician and reflect on what his next goals would be. He would also recall what he called “the good old days”. He was close to the regular players that loved playing at the bar, so he felt a strange sense of pride when looking at them. Some of the youngsters were very talented and they improved fast.

While he was sipping his beer, his unoccupied arm resting on the counter and his body angled away from it, Jongin gently tapped his shoulder, asking for his attention. “Baek, do you smell it?”

Confused, Baekhyun turned around to face his friend. “Smell what?”

“Smoke. I think someone is smoking inside.”

Finally noticing the cigarette smell that was slowly invading the bar, Baekhyun scanned the place. No one was smoking, which made the two friends curious. “It’s not from the kitchen either. It must be coming from the stairs. Can you check it out, Baek? Since both Junmyeon and Sehun aren’t here tonight, I can’t leave the counter.”

He didn’t feel like getting up from his chair, but Baekhyun decided to check it out for Jongin. Plus, he disliked the smell of cigarettes more than anything else, so he wouldn’t mind pushing the culprits away. He may be small, but he could be intimidating when needed.

As a result, Baekhyun unwillingly left his beer at the counter and exited the bar, going downstairs to resolve the issue. While approaching the entrance of the building, he was greeted by the many pictures hanged on the walls of some of the artists he admired the most. He stuffed his hands in his pockets while slowing his steps and contemplated each of the frames shortly, grinning at the sight. No matter how many times he passed by them, even in just one day, it was always a pleasure to look at the pictures. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, a familiar red hair man was sitting there with a cigarette in hand and a guitar case next to him. At that moment, the man he met a week ago turned around and they made eye contact while smoke was leaving the other’s lips. Saying that Baekhyun was surprised would be an understatement. He quickly recovered from his surprised state and greeted the man. “Hey, Chanyeol. Didn’t expect to see you here tonight.”

They both held their gazes, Chanyeol not responding anything. They kept being silent until Baekhyun remembered that he was there mainly to stop the toxic smell from invading the bar. He decided to solve the matter without wasting more time. “You know that it is forbidden to smoke here, right?”

As soon as Baekhyun said these words, Chanyeol brought his cigarette to his mouth and slowly let a huge stream of smoke out, directing it straight at Baekhyun’s face while still holding their eye contact. “See if I care.”

That action made the latter cough wildly and wave his hand in an attempt to brush the smoke away. He was disgusted and starting to be pissed. Chanyeol had no reason to act so coldly towards him when he was just giving a warning. Chanyeol had ticked him off when they first met, but he was ready to brush it aside. Their following conversations a week ago turned out being more interesting than he thought and he was intrigued by the guitarist he barely knew nothing about. However, he had crossed a line.

Baekhyun was ready to retort a few words about his rude behaviour, but stopped when he noticed the state he was in. He carefully looked at the guitarist, taking in his appearance, how messed up he looked. His curly hair was wild and his eyes were expressive yet unreadable, as if he wasn’t sure about his emotions himself. His face was deprived of any radiance and he looked beaten, even though he didn’t have any signs of fresh wounds. At least physically. He was almost pitiful. So he decided to not push it forward, knowing that it wouldn’t end well otherwise. Baekhyun pushed his anger aside and opted for the option of not worsening the other man's state of mind. He would have to tone down his teasing habits since he took a lot of pleasure playing around with the guitarist.

With that in mind, he opted to sit right next to him. There wasn’t much space, but it was enough for the both of them to sit close to each other. Trying to ignore the disgusting smell of cigarette that polluted his nostrils, Baekhyun asked a question that had been itching in his mind since he laid his eyes on him, “So, what brings you here?”

Chanyeol took another breath of cigarette, bringing it naturally to his mouth before slowly exhaling the smoke through his lips and his nostrils, eyes fixated on a random spot. Since the cold air of late October was strong, the clouds of smoke were even more defined than usual. Baekhyun watched the smoke gracefully leave the other man’s body, intrigued and almost liking the sight. “I am not sure myself. I was walking around and came here randomly.”

He didn’t expect Chanyeol to reply back, but he was relieved that in spite of his apparently bad mood, he had decided to talk normally. He was a mess, his voice hoarse and low, but at least he wasn’t as impolite as earlier. “Had a rough day, huh?”

This time, Chanyeol didn’t say a word. They looked at each other again shortly before Chanyeol got up, finished his cigarette, and dismissed it. Baekhyun watched him as he was standing still for a while, guitar case settled on his back and hands treading through his unruly hair, his gaze unfocused. He seemed hesitant to leave but took a few steps ahead.

“Would you like to drink a little bit here? Jongin made a new cocktail and an advice would be great. It would make him happy.”

Chanyeol stopped in his tracks, facing his back to him. They didn’t know each other that much, but Baekhyun couldn’t leave him alone in the state in which the other man was in. He was truly pitiful. If a few drinks could help him, he would gladly accompany him. He wasn’t sure what urged him to help him, but it was like an instinct. His overly kind nature could be blamed.

Unexpectedly, Chanyeol turned around and nodded. He seemed puzzled, but agreed to it anyway, making Baekhyun smile softly. He couldn’t understand how such a small response would affect his mood as much, but he decided to not let it torment him. He quickly made his way towards the second floor, Chanyeol following him.

If Chanyeol wasn’t usually talkative, he was the complete opposite with a couple of drinks in. Since he enjoyed Jongin’s new creation, he drank a few glasses of them as well as a few vodka shots. Baekhyun thought it wasn’t a good idea since he was already a mess, but decided to let him do as he wished. He was the one to suggest him a drink or two, but he couldn't have guessed that Chanyeol would end up drinking at least twice as much. But Baekhyun didn't stop him. After all, they were not friends or anything. Who was he to tell him what was right and wrong?

“And after that, Yi Fan got up and fucking yelled at me! Can you believe it? What a prick.”

Because of Chanyeol’s talkative nature while drunk, Baekhyun had to endure the guitarist’s complaints about his ruined practice session with his band. He knew all the details: how a certain Minho was the worst guitarist ever to have played with him, how his three other band mates couldn’t understand what real and raw talent was, and how they were assholes for upsetting him. Those were Chanyeol’s words. Not like he would believe everything he said in the state he was in.

“Baek, I think you should lead him to his home. He’s starting to disturb everyone.”

As Jongin said, Chanyeol was way too loud and even started to insult the musicians on stage while screaming how they lacked passion and sense of rhythm. He kept saying that the drummers were too soft, that they lacked energy, and that the soloists were too boring and monotone. And right now, he was trying to get up, wanting to get on the stage to make a speech on the microphone about how rock n’ roll will save the world and bless everyone’s soul. Not a pretty sight.

“I don’t know where he lives and I bet he forgot it himself,” Baekhyun exclaimed as he looked at the drunk man struggling to keep his balance and cursing mindlessly.

“Ask Sehun. He must know it.”

Baekhyun instantly took his cell phone out of his pocket while struggling to restrain a certain red hair man who was trying to reach the stage, not an easy task since he was quite heavy and stubborn. And to Baekhyun’s luck, Sehun wasn't answering his phone. Not even the fourth time. “Shit! Jongin, he won’t answer!”

Of course he wouldn’t; he was at Yixing’s home studio with Kyungsoo and Jongdae to work on their newest recording. The three of them wanted to try a new program Yixing bought and Sehun was curious, so he went with them. And it was a given that all his other friends didn’t answer their phone either. When they were in Yixing’s studio, they would be so engrossed into what they were doing that they wouldn’t even think about looking at their electronic devices.

Why did Baekhyun ask Chanyeol to drink with him again? Oh, right. Because he thought he was pitiful and needed to change his mood. What a good idea. Baekhyun was too sweet for his own good. And now he was stuck with a moody drunkard as a reward. But now it was time to do something, because Chanyeol was starting to really make a fuss in the bar and he wouldn’t want that. If only he would have known that it would be such a hassle to take care of him, he wouldn’t have said anything when he would have started to leave the building, and Baekhyun would have been able to watch the students play peacefully and with a good beer to drink.

Without waiting for Chanyeol to succeed going on stage and doing his heartfelt speech, Baekhyun gripped his arms, slid his guitar case on both of them, and put Chanyeol’s right arm around his shoulders to steady him while putting his own on the drunk man's back underneath the case. “Chanyeol, it’s time to go. I think you’ve had enough drinks.”

But of course, the man disagreed. He kept battling against his grip and slurred a couple of curses.

“Let’s go, Chanyeol.”

The latter kept pushing him, not liking to be told what to do, as Baekhyun guessed. Throughout their night out, he learned a lot of things about Chanyeol, such as his anger problems, his unpleasant practice session, and the fact that he was the most stubborn person he has ever crossed path with. But he was messing with the wrong guy.

As Baekhyun was starting to lose his patience, he held the guitarist’s arm tight and twisted it a little bit, enough to hurt him slightly, and managed to drag him outside of the bar. He wasn’t sure about how he achieved it, but at least the main step was done. Now, he had to lead him to his home, information that was lacking. “Say, where do you live Chanyeol?”

As Baekhyun expected, there was no response. Baekhyun sighed in defeat. “Come on, Chan. I am sure you remember.”

The red hair man ignored him and took a cigarette out of his pocket. He somehow managed to light it and took a few puffs while they were waiting at the front of the entrance, making Baekhyun cough again. The smell was horrible, but he had to put up with it. “I’ll call a taxi okay? Meanwhile try to remember your address and let me know when you know it.”

Just as he was about to make the call, Chanyeol interrupted him. “Call me that again.”

Baekhyun stopped just before pushing the call button, stunned and confused. “What?”

“Chan. You called me Chan earlier. Say that again.”

The trumpeter was literally frozen. He couldn’t believe it. His eyes widened while looking at the tall man who seemed less uptight than earlier. He was even slightly leaning on him, his previous anger diminished. Was Chanyeol somehow being friendly? In his own way, but still. Baekhyun had said the nickname by accident, habit even, since he mostly called his friends by their nicknames, but it seemed to have had an impact somehow. “You want me to call you Chan?”

As soon as he said it, a small smile made its way on Chanyeol’s lips, to Baekhyun’s surprise. “Yes. I like the way you say it.”

Now Baekhyun was uncomfortable. Chanyeol was being weird and wasn’t making any sense. At least he was showing a side of him he never expected. He had been edgy all night long and now he was smiling and even being friendly? Was it even possible to have such contrasting mood swings? A drunken Chanyeol was really something else.

“Okay then…Chan. Do you remember your address?”

All of a sudden, Chanyeol’s weight was completely resting on Baekhyun. The guitarist purposely let himself rest his body on the small man, even going as far as tightening the hold he previously had on his shoulders before lightning his cigarette, dragging his arm back in its initial position and making himself comfortable. Chanyeol was not only bigger and taller than him, but with his drunken body, he was even heavier than before. “Stay with me.”

Baekhyun was absolutely stunned. Chanyeol seemed to dislike him ever since the night they met, but he was suddenly being needy. What a change of behaviour. But it’s as he has always been told; alcohol draws out someone’s deeper thoughts and true character. It was time for Baekhyun to test this on Chanyeol. It was starting to be interesting. “I’ll stay with you until the taxi comes, okay?”

“No, stay with me.”

Now Baekhyun was even more confused. What did he mean by staying with him? He had to make Chanyeol go home safely, so that’s what he was going to do no matter what nonsense he would say. It was useless to try and understand him in the state of mind he was in anyway. So instead of focusing on the drunken man, he took his phone out again and started to dial the number until Chanyeol snatched it out of his hands and closed it. “No! I said stay with me!”

And a pissed Chanyeol was there again.

“I won’t leave you. I’ll just call a taxi that will take you home safely. Give me your address and everything will be fine.”

“No!”

What a pain in the ass this guy was. It was like dealing with a child. Baekhyun sighed and surrendered. “Okay, I got it. Now give me back my phone. I won’t call the taxi.”

Chanyeol didn’t seem to trust him as he kept his phone in his hands tightly. “You promise?” he asked innocently but full of hope.

“I promise you that I won’t call the taxi, Chan.”

With the magic word said, the guitarist gave Baekhyun’s phone back and smiled. Chanyeol truly was a puzzle. He brought his half burnt cigarette to his lips and took another drag on it, squeezing Baekhyun’s shoulders in the process and groaning in satisfaction before mumbling a couple of incoherent words.

So what was he going to do? He didn’t know his address and Chanyeol wouldn’t leave him alone. His weight resting on him was starting to be too heavy and he was also cold. After all, it was midnight on the last week of October and it was quite windy. Baekhyun could only see one option: head for his home and let him stay the night. It was only a ten minutes walk from the bar. He didn’t really like the idea, but he didn’t have any other choice. So with that in mind, he started to walk towards his apartment with Chanyeol who struggled to stay balanced after he had finished his cigarette and clumsily crushed it with his feet on the cement. “Where are we going?”

“My apartment. I’ll let you stay for the night. Is that alright with you?”

No words were needed since his smile gave it away. Well, at least he was being quiet, for once. While they were walking, Baekhyun looked at his surroundings. There were a lot of people outside the bars and clubs, and the lights were illuminating the streets. But since it was too crowded for his taste and that it was hard enough to drag a drunken man, he decided to take the smallest and empty roads. Not only it was more quiet, but also easier for him to take Chanyeol home this way. It would extend their walk, but for the sake of a calmer trip home, he didn’t mind.

They were silent on the whole way back to Baekhyun’s apartment, to his relief, aside from a few harmless mumbles from Chanyeol. Only their footsteps resonated through the empty roads as well as their calm breathing. It was relaxing. Chanyeol wasn’t holding back, fully resting his body on him and holding his arm steadily around his shoulders, but aside from his weight, it wasn’t unpleasant.

“Can you sing me a song?” Chanyeol asked as they were almost reaching the entrance of the apartment complex.

If Baekhyun was surprised most of the night, this was even more shocking to him. He wasn’t expecting this at all. “You want me to sing for you?” he asked with his eyebrows raised.

“Yes, please. I like your voice. It’s so beautiful and smooth and- ”

Baekhyun almost choked as Chanyeol kept murmuring a few praises, going as far as coming up with weird images to illustrate his point about how his voice reminded him of a soft chocolate cake or a spoon of warm honey, sticky yet rich, soft and delicious. He was absolutely speechless. He got a compliment from the one guy who claimed that jazz was awful and he was even asked to sing more? That was incredible. “I don’t know which song I could sing, honestly.”

Chanyeol stopped spilling incoherent compliments and even slowed his steps down after Baekhyun’s statement, staring at the sky, deep in thought. “'Summertime'. I want you to sing 'Summertime',” he exclaimed at last.

Baekhyun was extremely confused, to say the least. He wasn’t really up for it, but after seeing Chanyeol’s previous reactions when he denied his wishes, he thought that maybe singing a little bit wouldn’t hurt. Moreover, 'Summertime' could be good. He enjoyed singing it and it had been a while since he performed it, so it was actually a good choice. “Okay. 'Summertime' it is!” he exclaimed with a smile, deciding to do as the other man asked.

Chanyeol smiled and continued to walk by Baekhyun’s side. After taking a few breaths and humming a few scales, Baekhyun started to sing the song, getting more into it with each syllable he sang. 'Summertime' was one of the first songs his father made him listen to when he was a child and it had always been one of his favourites. While singing softly, he remembered the first time he performed it. It was with his trumpet. He barely sang that song unless he hummed it while being alone at home. It felt really good to sing it out loud.

At that moment, he was taking his time, sliding from intervals to intervals, making each sound resonate through his entire body, allowing the freeing feeling this song gave him to possess his whole being. It felt so great to sing it after such a long time. He only noticed that a deep voice was accompanying him after a while, singing along with him and harmonizing skilfully. Baekhyun turned at his left and saw that Chanyeol was also singing with his eyes closed, completely lost in his own world. It was a beautiful sight. Truly beautiful.

Baekhyun’s smile grew wider while listening to Chanyeol’s soft yet raspy voice and watching his expression. His harmonies weren’t perfect since he wasn’t sober enough to have complete conscience of his voice, but it sounded great despite the state he was in. He actually had the ear for harmonies and chords.

The trumpeter then turned around and continued to sing while facing the road, goose bumps all over his arms. But those goose bumps were not because of the wind that was freezing the two of them, but rather because of their harmonies and their proximity. With their bodies touching, arms in arms and eyes closed, feeling the vibrations of every note they sang and making them fully savour the harmonies, the two men were singing their heart out peacefully on the empty streets of Seoul, drunkenly.

For the first time since they met, they felt a connection.

A connection that would be stronger than anything they could imagine.

 

[Ella Fitzgerald - Summertime](https://youtu.be/XivELBdxVRM)


	5. Chapter V

The next day, Chanyeol regretted everything.

Actually, he couldn’t remember a thing, but he knew that he regretted it.

The moment he managed to open his eyes and noticed that he wasn’t in a familiar place, he knew he messed up. He had a huge headache and a dried throat, which were never a good sign. When he partied a little bit too much, he would most likely end up at Zitao’s place, but it wasn’t the case this time.

Chanyeol squinted his eyes in attempt to maybe recognise even just the smallest thing about the place he crashed in, but what he suspected was validated the more he glanced around; it was the first time he had ever been in this place. He closed his eyes and sighed while rubbing his forehead, his headache not sparing him at all. He didn’t even want to try to remember what happened; he opted for just brushing it aside, the situation way too recurrent for it to alarm him in any way, even though it had been a while since it last happened. Maybe it was for the best if he didn’t remember his night.

Just as he was adjusting to the sunlight that was peeking through the open blinds and getting ready to try and get up from what seemed like a couch, Chanyeol was startled by the sound of something falling on the floor.

“Shit!”

And then, some rumbling could be heard as well as a few other curses. He was also hit by the smell of chicken, which made him a little bit sick. The smell would usually be appealing to him, but in the state he was in, nothing was more tempting than only drinking a huge glass of water. Wanting to know his whereabouts as well as who was cooking at the moment, he managed to get up painfully.

He found himself being in a very small apartment. It was quite simple; white walls with a few pictures hanging around and not much furniture. All the different rooms were all connected together. Even though it was small, it was warm and cozy. Anyone else would probably freak out, waking up at a stranger's home, but it was the usual for Chanyeol. Moreover, the place looked nice, so he guessed there was nothing to worry about. It was already better than waking up at Zitao’s cramped place anyway.

But as he was observing the room he was in, which apparently was the living room, he saw a record player and a wall full of vinyl records. Some were older, others were brand new. The collection was impressive and Chanyeol couldn’t suppress his curiosity, so he walked a few steps and reached the colourful albums. He took a deep breath, savouring the smell of it, and brushed them lightly with his fingertips, taking his time to admire the huge amount of records. He had always loved this sensation. Just the feeling of the material was enough to soothe him even in the slightest. It couldn’t be compared to regular CDs. There was something special about the shape and raw material of a vinyl record, its smell. He then proceeded to read the artists’ names written on the albums.

_Nina Simone, Count Basie, Billie Holiday, Joe Pass, Paul Desmond, Wes Montgomery._

Sadly, he couldn’t recognize any of them.

“Did I wake you up? I am so sorry, I am way too clumsy.”

Chanyeol didn’t hear that voice often, but he instantly knew who it was. He could tell by the butterflies running wild just by hearing the sound of it. Even with a pounding head, the owner of the voice was still able to make him feel like this. The guitarist turned around only to see Baekhyun smile apologetically. Unlike him, the other man looked like he was wide awake and in a great mood. Baekhyun then pointed towards the wall with his chin, the motion warm and friendly. “So you like my record collection?”

His voice was soft and cheerful, and Chanyeol couldn’t help but melt a little bit.

“I take a lot of pride in it. They are all old records from my dad and mine as well,” he added with nostalgia.

Baekhyun walked towards Chanyeol and stopped right next to him, admiring his possessions with a genuine smile on his face. The guitarist took the opportunity to observe his features closely for the first time. The sun was shining on his pale skin, making it even softer. His eyes were sparkling, probably because of the sight of his many records that seemed dear to him. His body was completely relaxed, his loosened posture reflected in his choice of clothes: a wide shirt that was a pale blue and a pair of black jeans.

“You can go sit at the table; I put a glass of water and some medicine to ease your hangover. With the amount of vodka shots you took last night, I bet your head is painful.”

After looking at the records a little bit longer, Chanyeol did as Baekhyun said without talking back and sat on the floor in front of the low table that was in the middle of the living room. As Baekhyun explained, there was a glass of fresh water and some pills. Without waiting any longer, he took them and watched the other man take a record out and put it on his record player. Soon enough, soft jazz music was playing.

“I hope you don’t mind me playing some jazz. It’s a ritual of mine whenever I get up. It puts me in a good mood,” he said gently. “Gerry Mulligan is perfect for fall. 'Night Lights' is my go to album when it is as sunny as today. Plus, it is very calm so it shouldn’t disturb or worsen your current condition. If you really hate it, just tell me and I’ll stop it.” He then went to the kitchen to continue cooking and cleaning the accident he had earlier. Chanyeol wasn’t used to being treated this kindly and with so much attention. It was foreign but pleasant. He couldn’t fully understand why, but he didn’t have the energy to protest. He was still feeling moody and grumpy, but it was eased down. He probably went all out last night; that must be the reason why. And the atmosphere of the apartment was way too calming for him to throw a tantrum.

After a few minutes, with only the sound of calming jazz music and noises coming from the kitchen resonating in Baekhyun’s home, the man came back with a large pot of chicken porridge and two smaller bowls in front of them before filling them with the food he had freshly prepared. He sat down on the floor in front of Chanyeol and gave him a spoon. “You probably don’t feel like eating right now, but I can guarantee you that this meal makes miracles when having a hangover.” Chanyeol wasn’t sure, the smell disgusting him a little bit. Baekhyun noticed it and tried to convince him. “Just eat it, Chan. You will feel a lot better afterwards. I am talking from experience.”

Chan? Did Baekhyun call him Chan? Somehow, it made all sorts of tingles alive in his body, making him weak in the knees by the mere sound of the nickname coming from Baekhyun's mouth. And it also felt familiar, for a reason he didn’t understand. The fluttering sensation taking over him was anything but displeasing, but he opted for ignoring the strange feeling, or rather tried to, and focused all his attention on the food in front of him, examining the texture and the ingredients as he pushed it in all directions in his bowl with his spoon. Both of them ate silently, Chanyeol hesitantly taking a few bites, and Baekhyun finishing his bowl quickly while listening attentively to the sound of the music, letting his body move at the same rhythm as the songs that were playing.

It had been a long time since Chanyeol was in a different mood than angry or revolted. It felt nice. Once again, he disliked the music, but it wasn’t as bad as usual. Listening to jazz more often definitely messed with his senses. He noted mentally that he would listen to Megadeth later on when he would arrive at his place. This would do the trick and cure this sickness he was having at the moment.

Suddenly, Chanyeol felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, making him jump of surprise. He put the spoon he had in hand down and checked his notifications: twenty text messages and four missed calls. That was quite unusual and it made him uneasy. With a frown, he checked them out. The missed calls were all from Lu Han and the text messages from an angry Yi Fan that kept menacing him and complaining about his outburst and lack of professionalism. That was very ironic, coming from him. He snorted bitterly as he recalled their practice session he had the joy to leave. Unfortunately, he clearly remembered it.

Chanyeol could already feel his anger from the previous night surface, making his breathing ragged and progressively stiffen his sore muscles. Not wanting to fall into that swirl of emotions again, he pushed the past events at the back of his mind and focused on the warmth of the apartment that undoubtedly was Baekhyun's. After managing to regulate his breathing and observing the other man stretching his arms, happy and relaxed, he started to close his phone until he noticed that one of the many text messages he received was from his boss at the convenience store. 

 

_From: Lee Jin Ki_  
_It is already 2 o’clock, Chanyeol. You were supposed to be here at 12. You better get your ass here or else I will fire you. It’s been the fourth time that you didn’t show up for your shift and I am having enough of it. If you don’t come here by 3, I am firing you._

 

Shit. Chanyeol was in deep shit. He completely forgot that he had to work today. He was screwed. Panicking a little bit, his calmer state of mind completely disrupted, he got up fast, too fast for his vulnerable head that made him wince in pain, and looked for his belongings.

“What are you doing, Chan?”

His nickname hit a soft spot, once again. But he didn’t have the time to think about it because his job was on the line and he couldn’t afford to lose it. He shuffled around, trying to locate his belongings. “What time is it?” he asked.

“What is it? What is happening?”

“Just tell me what time it is!” he shouted, impatience taking full control of his body. Chanyeol was too harsh, especially since Baekhyun had only been sweet with him, but he was in a rush. Manners could wait. However, Baekhyun’s disappointing expression made him feel guilty, an emotion that was foreign. What was happening to him? He was feeling weak by Baekhyun’s mere presence and now he was turning soft?

“It’s 3:30.”

“Fuck!”

It was too late. He was going to lose his job. Without saying a word, he collapsed where he was seated previously and covered his face with his hands, resting his arms on the table, and completely at loss. He rubbed his face and groaned, attempting for some miraculous solution to appear in his mind with every curse past his lips, but it was futile. He needed the money to pay his rent, something he already had enough trouble to do. Finding this job had been hard and complex given his circumstances, he couldn’t lose it for a stupid anger outburst and too much drinking. He was already in deep shit, but now he was reaching the bottom of it, as if it was even possible to go lower than he already was. Nothing could be done. He messed up big time.

“What did I do last night? What kind of mess did I make for you to take me to your home?” he asked, in the mood to continue being disappointed in himself. He was so afraid of what he did that he couldn’t look at Baekhyun in the eyes. Since he already was having a pile of bad news, a little bit more couldn’t be worse. He already reached the dead end anyway. However, to his surprise, Baekhyun laughed, making him raise his painful head and look at him. It was a beautiful sight: Baekhyun laughing, his eyes shining and his teeth being on full display.

And Chanyeol’s stomach twisted again. Something was definitely wrong with him. Once again, he ignored the weird feeling, which was starting to be an habit at this point. “Just tell me how much of a disappointment I am fast. I want to know what happened.”

Baekhyun continued to laugh, ignoring his rudeness and making the task harder than it already was to ease Chanyeol's melting mind and body, and answered his question. “Not much actually. You just insulted a few musicians that were playing on stage, complained about your band and begged for me to stay with you and sing 'Summertime' because I have a beautiful and honey-like voice. Nothing much actually, the usual.” With a smirk, he added, “In other words, some very good blackmailing material.”

Chanyeol was surprised. Not because of his outburst, which was recurrent, but because of him being so clingy to Baekhyun while he was drunk. He knew that he would regret drinking with him.

“Oh and also, you begged me to call you Chan, so I am not going to stop calling you that. There’s no way.” And there was the playful and confident man that Chanyeol first met.

After their small exchange, an empty bowl and an almost full one, Baekhyun switched places and sat on the couch behind Chanyeol, closing his eyes and listening closely to the album that was still playing softly. Meanwhile, Chanyeol thought about what Baekhyun claimed he had done and groaned in embarrassment. But it wasn't as bad as he had thought it would have been. He could have done worse. Chanyeol focused on the music to distract himself from the thoughts that were assaulting him, screaming profanities at him for how much of a failure he was. Baekhyun was right; the music wasn’t too loud or disturbing. It actually helped him to calm down.

“So, will you tell me what made you so upset earlier?” asked Baekhyun after a few minutes spent in silence, only the sound of the music resonating. That man was too curious for his own good. Chanyeol didn’t like to share personal informations and didn’t feel like thinking about his problems, so he decided to stay silent. Baekhyun got the message and didn’t ask more questions.

As they were listening to the last song of the album, Chanyeol rested his head on the couch. He was already feeling a little bit better. His body was still painful, thanks to the after effects of drinking so much alcohol, but he was feeling at ease. Maybe not completely since he had too many negative emotions bottled up in him and that he was now jobless, but at least he didn’t feel like murdering someone anymore, which was progress.

Throughout the whole song, Baekhyun was attentive to every sound and smiled the whole time. When the record was over, his eyes were still closed and he stood still, savouring the moment. Chanyeol was curious about what made him so passionate about jazz. He had been ever since he saw him perform and he thought that it was the perfect moment to ask him about it. Unsure about breaking the special moment that Baekhyun was having, he cleared his throat uncomfortably. The other man didn’t flinch. “May I ask a question, Baekhyun?” he asked with his voice unsteady, nervousness taking over, yet again something he wasn't too familiar with. The smaller man simply hummed as a response. “What do you like about jazz? I mean…why do you like it? What makes it so special? I don’t understand…”

Baekhyun smiled again, opening his eyes slowly and looking at the ceiling, deep in his thoughts. “I don’t know how to explain it. I just like it.” He paused for a moment and took a short breath before speaking up again. “I grew up while listening to jazz music. My father was a huge jazz enthusiast. He was the one who taught me how to play piano and how to sing. Then, my interest towards trumpet grew and I took lessons, which my father strongly encouraged me to do. I guess I associate this kind of music with his warmth and the great memories I have of him.” Then followed another pause, Baekhyun's stare still on the ceiling. Chanyeol looked at him, curious. “When he died ten years ago, I was devastated. He was such a good and kind person. It’s too bad that he had liver cancer, due to some drinking problems he was battling for years. Even if he succeeded into being sober, the sickness still affected him and killed him slowly.”

Chanyeol wasn’t expecting this conversation to take such a serious turn. He wasn’t one to be good with feelings and he barely had any heart to heart talks with his friends. More accurately; they were nonexistent. He started to be nervous and fidgeted, playing with his fingers and rustling his hair to fight his discomfort away. On the other hand, Baekhyun seemed completely at ease. He brought this topic up as if it was the most natural thing to do. Chanyeol couldn't understand how it was possible, but he decided that he would keep his mouth shut and listen silently to his confession. He had messed up way too much already and he was actually interested into knowing more about Baekhyun and his personal experience. Moreover, he was feeling like this moment was precious in its own way. He wouldn’t dare ruin it.

“For the first three years, I couldn’t listen to jazz. I wasn’t able to listen to any songs because they reminded me of him. The memories were too strong. It was very hard on my mother too, who is also a music enthusiast. She isn’t a musician but she loves it. When I started university, I didn’t major in music at first. I couldn’t even see a piano without breaking down. But when I saw a group perform at the end of the year party, I was hit by such strong feelings. At that moment, I realized that my father wouldn’t want me to sob and stay away from my passion just because I couldn’t cope with his death. Then, slowly, I started to play music again and changed major. It led me to where I am today.”

Silence then engulfed the two men once again. The air wasn’t heavy but rather comfortable, to Chanyeol's surprise. Baekhyun's voice was peaceful, calm, and listening to him had managed to ease his nervousness. They were both breathing slowly and steadily, enjoying the quiet apartment and the revelations. After a while, Baekhyun turned his head and looked at Chanyeol, still smiling. “But while those are some of the reasons why I love jazz so much, I have my own feelings too that aren’t related to my family. Jazz uses chords that are so rich and wide. It has a sound that no other kind of music has. I love how the different voicings are organized, how the melodies are so beautiful and diverse, but mostly how freeing it is to play it. The joy of improvising differently each time, to savour each chords and notes, to hear the unique drum patterns and all the other instruments that have their own colours and tones. I love how every single performance of a same song changes drastically from one artist to another. I love how each musician has the freedom to play as he wishes, to create his own solo from scratch and to just have fun. I love how unique jazz is and how it makes my soul melt. It lets me be who I am.”

Chanyeol couldn’t look anywhere else than Baekhyun’s eyes. They were so expressive, genuine and beautiful. He was beautiful.

“Would you like to know more about it?” asked Baekhyun cheerfully.

Chanyeol couldn’t say no. He was almost like a child talking about his favourite toy. So he nodded, anticipating what the trumpeter was planning. Suddenly, Baekhyun got up and pulled Chanyeol with him, leading him to his room where an old brown piano was standing by the window that illuminated the whole bedroom. Baekhyun sat on the bench and asked for Chanyeol to sit on it too, tapping lightly on the spot next to him. He did as he was asked. The pianist didn’t waste a second before playing a chord. “Do you know about music theory?”

Chanyeol knew a couple of things, but he wasn’t a music student; he only played rock because his soul was urging him to do so. He knew the main scales and a few things about intervals and chords, such as how they are constructed and their names, but nothing more elaborated. He wouldn’t consider himself as someone who was knowledgeable in the field despite him mastering the pieces of information he had learned about music theory. “I know the basics a musician should have, but I am mostly relying on my hearing.”

“To which extend?”

“I know my chords well and the scales. I also know a few modes but not as much. The guitar teacher I used to have would show me a few things from time to time, but I learned a lot by ear instead of books, unlike you.”

Baekhyun hummed in understanding. He positioned his hands on the piano and pushed the keys, making some chords resonate. He played a few basic progressions that Chanyeol could recognize well, all of those mainly used in popular music. After a couple of them, the pianist changed a few chords, adding what Chanyeol could guess were 7th and 9th notes. However, the more Baekhyun changed the chords progressions and the nature of the chords themselves, the more confused the other man was. He was entering into an unknown territory, something the small man noticed while looking at his confused expression.

“I can see that you know pretty much the basics, even a little bit more, but as soon as I started adding some 13th notes and triads typical of jazz music, you seemed lost.”

Chanyeol looked at him and stayed silent, wondering where his thoughts were heading to.

“Listen to this.”

Baekhyun played a series of five chords, each one of them having a colour that screamed “jazz” and that sounded confusing to his ears, a reason why he disliked this kind of music in the first place; it didn’t make sense to him and seemed random. But as Baekhyun repeated the same chord progression, he explained each of the chords, adding information about what linked them and what made them flow so smoothly. The taller man then listened to the progression again but with a different perspective, understanding more their links to one another.

“Can you hear how the colours match? Do you understand the progression?” the pianist asked. Chanyeol nodded, interested. He wouldn’t admit it, but it was enlightening.

Just like that, Baekhyun was giving a music class to the guitarist who seemed to be enjoying their music session. For the next hours, the two men were sitting on the same bench, listening to the chords and understanding what made them sound so unique and beautiful as well as hearing more closely the voicings. Just seeing Baekhyun talk without stopping about the thing that passionate him the most was enough.

For a few hours, Chanyeol forgot his worries, how he was losing his job and his band as well as how much of an awful person he could be. On the other hand, Baekhyun was having fun showing the beauty of jazz to the rock fan.

They spent the rest of the afternoon together, sitting close by each other, arms brushing once again and warm hearts, satisfied by their passion that was finally shared.

 

[Gerry Mulligan - Night Lights](https://youtu.be/u5PG7aRYS1k)


	6. Chapter VI

The smell of rain was in the air. Grey clouds were slowly decorating the city of Seoul and the soft wind announced the arrival of the winter season. The Korean citizens were starting to dress up more warmly, taking their coats and scarves out, and the coffee shops were full. It was mid-November, a time where most people were getting depressed about the cold weather. However, a man in particular was happy about the cloudy sky and the chilly air.

Baekhyun was at Yixing’s home studio along with his three other band mates, getting shelter from the rain that was coming as well as the cold, things that didn’t bother the trumpeter, but rather made him happy. He couldn’t wait to go outside and feel the winter atmosphere. It was his favourite season. But at that moment, the band had to finish their first official recording with Yixing’s new music program. Every take was done, only the saxophone remaining. They were trying a new recording approach; instead of recording all the members at the same time, they recorded their own takes individually and set a certain amount of time for each of their solos, a detail that Baekhyun wasn’t too keen about. He felt restricted.

“Guys, I am not convinced about recording individual takes separately,” Baekhyun complained for the hundredth time.

His three other friends rolled their eyes, tired of hearing him repeating the same thing for last three hours they had spent together. “It isn’t definitive, Baek. We are only trying this idea out. It may come out better than expected,” replied Kyungsoo. It was actually the double bass player’s idea. Recording everyone at the same time could sometimes be long and complex since it was harder to correct their mistakes and that it felt like a live recording more than a studio one. Moreover, it was a better way to experiment Yixing’s music program to its fullest. They usually recorded together at the same time. It was their first time opting for a different tactic.

“Isn’t what jazz is all about? Raw feelings that isn’t overworked?”

Jongdae sighed, exasperated, “It’s not like we will add so many effects on our takes that it will feel like someone was playing everything with a computer. It is just a way to perfect our takes and try different sounds as a group. It is easier and more practical like this.”

“Every musicians do this nowadays, even the jazz groups you listen to daily,” Kyungsoo added.

Baekhyun understood the train of ideas and their arguments, but he couldn’t help but being against it overall. He loved the live feeling and rawness of jazz in its purest form. You could say he was a traditionalist or a purist. Advanced technologies were good and necessary, but the way that jazz was recorded and the jazz spirit that came from it was something he was convinced this way of recording would mess up. Baekhyun would only release live recordings if he could. But they were three against one, so the majority won. He was sure that Chanyeol would side with him. He seemed like the kind of musician who would rather go for imperfect and real recordings than those that are too worked on and that lose their essence.

Talking about Chanyeol, he didn’t have any news from him for the past two weeks. It’s not like they exchanged numbers or anything, but they hadn’t contacted each other in any way. The guitarist didn't go to Cloud 9 since their afternoon music theory session and he hadn’t tried to reach him either. After knowing about Chanyeol’s crumbling band as well as seeing him so distressed after checking his phone the last time they saw each other, he was worried about him. He was a grown man that was capable of taking his own decisions, but he looked so lost and hurt that Baekhyun couldn't help but being concerned.

“Guys, it’s already six o’clock. We should head to Cloud 9 and do our sound check.”

They were so engrossed into their recording session that they didn’t notice the time fly by, as usual. “At least we’re not late. Do you remember when we arrived two hours after the time we were supposed to be on stage? Junmyeon scolded us for the rest of the night,” recalled Jongdae while laughing.

“Ah! Those are some good memories,” Yixing added with a smile.

Sad to interrupt their music session, the four band mates tidied their belongings as well as their instruments and left Yixing’s home. It only took them a couple of minutes to arrive at the jazz bar, the traffic being oddly cooperating. When they got out of the drummer’s car, rain was starting to fall, to Baekhyun’s pleasure. “I can’t wait for winter to come!” he exclaimed. He stood still for a few seconds, enjoying the feeling of the rain drops on his uncovered head, and followed his three friends when he was satisfied. When he arrived on the second floor after admiring the many frames on the way, Baekhyun froze at the unexpected sight. He could barely register Sehun's joyful greeting, taken aback.

“Hey guys! You finally arrived!"

While the musicians greeted him back and started to unbutton their coats and to head towards the stage, Baekhyun was still standing at the front door, stunned. Right behind the counter stood the rock guitarist, his long curly hair tied up, and wearing clean clothes, ones that were similar to Sehun and Junmyeon’s. He couldn’t believe it. His eyes were definitely playing tricks on him. He blinked a few times only to end up staring at the man he hadn't seen in weeks, observing him by Junmyeon's side and doing the necessary preparations either Jongin or Sehun would do. He couldn't fully read his expression that was hardened and closed off. He wondered if Chanyeol was feeling any better since their last meeting.

It took a few seconds for Baekhyun to regain his senses. As soon as he did so, he walked to the counter’s direction and stopped right in front of Chanyeol, removing the layer of clothes he didn't need in the process as the warmth of the bar welcomed him. Baekhyun then looked at Junmyeon, asking for an explanation.

“Everyone, I present you our new employee!” exclaimed the owner. Hearing these words made Chanyeol move uncomfortably, clearly disturbed by his new title.

“Since this idiot right here lost his job and struggled to find another one for the past two weeks, I asked him if he wanted to work here and I finally convinced him,” said Sehun.

“I needed some new staff so I gladly accepted Sehun’s idea. Welcome to the team, Chanyeol!” Junmyeon added while patting him warmly on the back. The latter mumbled a quiet “thanks” and turned his back to Baekhyun, preparing some drinks for the customers that just entered.

“So how was the recording session?” asked Sehun.

Still following Chanyeol’s movements, he answered “Good, but-“

“But Baekhyun didn’t like our new choice of recording, so he kept complaining the whole time,” finished Jongdae.

His words made Junmyeon and Sehun burst out laughing. “Of course he would! That is so like Baekhyun.”

“No, it’s not!” he said, offended.

The atmosphere soon warmed up with their jokes and friendly bickering, the regulars chatting with the musicians openly. It was almost seven, still too early since they would only start to play at eight, but some people were already there to eat a few snacks since they sold some side dishes and other various courses. Jongin arrived just in time for their sound check. He was supposed to accompany the band tonight since Baekhyun wanted to try some new pieces with his trumpet. Needless to say that Baekhyun was very excited about their performance.

While they were having fun, jamming a couple of times to make sure that the sound was to the musicians’ liking, Baekhyun felt a pair of eyes on him. When he looked around, he wasn’t surprised to see that it was Chanyeol. They kept their eye contact for a while until Baekhyun smiled, making the tall man avert his eyes and continue his tasks. When they finished balancing the sound in the bar, the group went to the counter, waiting for Sehun to serve their first beer of the night. As soon as Chanyeol went back from serving a customer, he joined them and reached for Junmyeon. “Can I go outside for a bit?”

“Yes, of course. You have been here for a few hours already. You can take your hour of break now if you want to. Sehun and I will cover for you.”

With a small nod, Chanyeol quickly wore his coat and took a lighter out of his pocket, preparing to light his cigarette as soon as he would reach the entrance of the building. Sehun didn’t miss his action. “Chanyeol, don’t tell me you started to smoke again?” the youngest scolded. “It took you a couple of months to finally be able to stop and now you are doing it again? What are you thinking about?”

Chanyeol looked at him shortly, visibly tensed. “Well, shit happens.” As soon as he said these words, cold and annoyed, he stormed out of the bar with a cigarette and a lighter in his hands, letting the cold November air enter the small bar through the opening of the door.

“What a moody guy,” commented Jongdae. Sehun sighed and prepared the beer for his friends.

The next minutes were uncomfortable, their small exchange creating tension and leaving the musicians dumbfounded. They were feeling like they invaded their privacy and that something much deeper than appearances happened. And they were not wrong. Chanyeol’s bad habits were always a sensitive topic.

After a while, Baekhyun got up and reached for his coat. “I’ll be back” were the only words he said before leaving his friends behind. As soon as he reached the bottom of the stairs, the chatter of the customers now long gone, a faint smell of cigarette was lingering in the chilly air, indicating that Chanyeol was still there. He joined the red hair man as soon as he saw him. He stood by his side, keeping an arm's distance between the two, and listened to the many sounds on the street as well as Chanyeol's occasional exhaling when taking a drag on his cigarette. They didn’t speak at first, so Baekhyun settled for observing the other man’s features. His clothes were cleaner than his usual attires, but it didn’t hide his distressed expression. He seemed as hurt and lost as the last time they saw each other, which pained him.

“What are you doing here? Don’t cigarettes disgust you?”

Baekhyun let a small smile reach his lips. “It does, but not the person who smokes it.”

After their short exchange, silence filled the area where they were standing, only the noises of the cheerful citizens that were passing by audible. The air was colder than when they arrived and it was still raining, each drop hitting the ground gently and wetting the two musicians’ hair that weren’t sheltered from it. Chanyeol was taking his time, savouring each puff he could, and paid attention to the direction of the smoke so it wouldn’t go too much in Baekhyun’s way, unlike the last time. “Aren’t you curious as to the reasons why I started smoking again? Why I look like shit and act like an asshole most of the time?”

Chanyeol’s questions surprised Baekhyun. The tall man's eyes weren't hardened anymore and gave Baekhyun access to his inner emotions, his gaze being the most expressive at that moment than he had ever witnessed since their first encounter. Instead of being angry, he was sad, fragile even. It was the first time he saw this kind of expression on his features and he didn’t like it. If he was pitiful the night he got drunk, now it was a hundred times worse. Baekhyun didn’t know if the twist in his stomach was because of his compassion for people in general or if it was because he was starting to get attached to the guitarist. “Truthfully, I am. But I know that you don’t want to talk about it so I won’t ask.”

As they were being quiet again, Chanyeol let a last breath of smoke out of his lungs and disposed of his cigarette. Both of them stood still, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Baekhyun wasn’t sure about the reason why he was by the guitarist’s side at that moment. He was a caring person by nature, but something was telling him to go after him. It just felt right.

They stayed in front of the building’s entrance for a couple of minutes, none of them making a move to leave. Even though both men weren't aware of the other's thoughts and that they didn't know each other that much, they were comfortable, almost peaceful. The sound of the rain, the breeze accompanying it and their breathing, mixed with the crowd’s cheers not too far from them, was somehow relaxing.

“I was proud of myself for being able to stop smoking. Sehun and Minseok were too. I’ve done so many bad and regrettable things that this small accomplishment made me feel like I was actually doing something good for once. But now I screwed up, again.”

Baekhyun looked at him, curious about his sudden declaration. Chanyeol stayed silent for a while, wondering if he should continue or not but opted for the first option. “I picked up the habit of smoking when I met some former friends in high school. They introduced me to it as well as parties and stuff. I picked up a couple of their habits and it worsened as I got older and met other people who had the same hobbies as me."

He stopped for a while, messing his hair in what Baekhyun would guess being a nervous habit or just a way to keep himself from fidgeting too much. Chanyeol's eyes were so clouded Baekhyun could barely keep up with his inner turmoil. But as much as he was surprised about his unexpected revelation, he listened closely to the distressed man, happy and relieved about him opening up. Chanyeol then continued, "You can imagine how our nights out were: wild and dangerous. We got arrested a couple of times because of our stupid ideas and were even caught in the police office some nights. I did many regrettable things and experienced a lot of stuff I shouldn’t have. I used to be a party animal in every aspect. It’s just as the saying goes: sex, drugs and rock n’ roll.” He smiled bitterly, almost laughing at himself. “I used to perform daily with the bands I had. We got drunk, had fun with a few boys and girls, and made dares that always ended up badly. It was fun while it lasted. We thought it was cool and something to be proud about.”

He then paused, looking at the sky. “But when I met Sehun and Minseok, they led me to a healthier lifestyle. That’s one of the reasons why my current band is breaking apart; not only are we losing our musical connection as a band, but also as friends. While I am toning down my partying habits, they are keeping theirs. We are too different now. Sehun and Minseok helped me to stop drinking and smoking as much as I used to a few years ago and it worked. I still drink from time to time but not as much as I did back then. That’s why Sehun was so disappointed about me smoking again. I fought so hard to stop and I ruined it. He also knows what I have been through so he only wants to protect me. It’s funny how a younger guy is more mature and responsible than me.” Chanyeol stopped again, not leaving his eyes off the grey sky. He looked fragile, as if even the slightest touch would break him apart. “Aren’t I a failure?”

While asking the question, his voice clear but broken, Chanyeol laughed. It was a way to restrain his tears from falling, Baekhyun guessed. But his tactic didn’t work. His eyes were wet, reflecting his broken soul and regrets, and tears were now falling on his face. He turned his head around, hiding from the small man. Baekhyun wanted to do something to comfort him but he didn’t know how the other would react. Moreover, since they weren’t close, he wasn’t sure about what he could do. So he opted to just pour his feelings out. “Chan, look at me.”

The other man didn’t move, visibly embarrassed and crying quietly. The confidence he had the first night at the bar was nowhere in sight and he paced back and forth while attempting to wipe his tears. “Chanyeol, look at me.”

Since he still didn’t show any sign of doing as he was told, Baekhyun changed place and went right in front of Chanyeol’s face. Since the other was starting to avoid Baekhyun’s plan, he took his hands and put them on the other’s cheeks, restraining his movements and forcing him to maintain their eye contact, the action firm but warm. “Chanyeol, listen closely to what I am going to say.”

The guitarist didn’t say anything, only looking at him and letting his tears flow freely. Baekhyun didn't care if Chanyeol was embarrassed or even if he was crossing some kind of boundary between them; Chanyeol's figure was anything but pleasing and he wouldn't let the other man fall into the depths of his worries. He knew the feeling too well and he couldn't stand him going through that; he wouldn't let it happen. Baekhyun didn’t talk at first, letting them having a silent conversation and giving Chanyeol a chance to calm down and solely focus on him. “We barely know each other and I have no idea what you are going through or any of the mistakes you have made in the past, but you are definitely not a failure. Just the fact that you have the desire to change and to go towards another path is enough to tell me that you are anything but a failure." Chanyeol sniffled loudly, staring straight at him. "You stopped smoking and started again; so what? It happens. We don’t always succeed the first time we try something. You managed to stop once, I am sure you can stop twice. And if you break down again, then stop for the third, fourth and even fifth time. It doesn’t matter. You will get it right.”

Chanyeol’s tears wouldn’t stop, his eyes becoming more and more expressive, letting his heart and soul bare in front of the small man. “I am proud of you, Chanyeol. I am proud of you for telling me all of this and for trusting me, but also for being strong and seeking a healthy lifestyle. You have two amazing friends. Sehun and Minseok are some of the most caring and nicest people I have met. They will help you and I want to help you too. Don’t give up, Chan. It’s not too late to change yourself and your fate.”

Baekhyun didn’t know what got into him after saying these words, but he started to wipe Chanyeol’s tears with his thumbs and smiled tenderly, with as much confidence as he could show. He had genuine fate and trust in the man, and he believed in every word he said. Baekhyun felt the sudden need to snuggle into his arms but decided not to do so. It surprised him how much his heartbroken expression affected him and how much he wished to ease his pain. After gazing deeply into his eyes, the comfort and care radiating off Baekhyun's body enveloping him, Chanyeol closed his eyes and slowly rested his forehead on Baekhyun’s, their noses almost touching. They could feel their breaths because of the cold air, but it felt warm. It was a comforting, unparalleled human warmth and comfort. Baekhyun then also closed his eyes and rested his hands on Chanyeol’s face, massaging it carefully and brushing his curly hair that was wet from the rain.

“Thank you.” It was a quiet whisper but loud enough for the both of them to hear it. Chanyeol’s breath tickled Baekhyun’s skin, a sensation he found himself enjoying. The guitarist cried until his eyes were dry, letting Baekhyun’s gentle caresses soothe him, seeking any kind of comfort as possible and melting under his pure and caring gestures as he was being on the receiving hand of his kind actions. Feeling being taken care of with such concern was something he had been seeking for as long as he could remember.

Even if they were comfortable and wished to stay in this position for longer, they had matters to attend to. When they finally pulled their bodies away, they silently headed towards the second floor completely drenched, which made them earn a few curious glances, but no one asked them questions. As planned, Baekhyun performed his new pieces perfectly with his band mates and gave an amazing show, even earning a standing ovation.

Throughout all the night, Sehun and Chanyeol served the customers; the latter stealing numerous glances towards the trumpeter and admiring his passionate playing. The both of them kept sharing secret smiles, satisfied by their special moment earlier and feeling closer than ever before.

 

 [Nick Ayoub - Montreal East](https://youtu.be/CSzxD8u1gDg)


	7. Chapter VII

No matter how hard he tried, Chanyeol couldn’t get Baekhyun out of his head. He was like a chewing gum stuck in a shoe; you can’t pull it off and it keeps following you around, haunting you, always making sure you never forget it exists, and being quite annoying at times. He tried to avoid him, something he did skillfully for two weeks when he lost his job, but it wasn’t possible anymore because they kept seeing each other every day, to Sehun’s courtesy. While Chanyeol had to arrive in the afternoon at Cloud 9 to prepare the drinks and the food for the night, Baekhyun’s band would sometimes arrive earlier at the bar to practice instead of staying at Yixing’s home. As a result, they would spend their breaks together, sitting at a table, and talk about everything and anything.

It also gave Chanyeol the chance to get closer to the other musicians and the employees. While he still wasn’t fully comfortable with all of them yet, he could tell they were nice people. They also understood that there were topics that had to be avoided in his presence, such as his past, his bad habits and his mood swings. They were understanding even if they didn’t know that much about him. He was thankful for that.

But what disturbed Chanyeol the most was that he would unknowingly look forward each day he had to work in order to see Baekhyun. While he skipped his previous jobs with joy, he wouldn’t miss a single day at the bar. He particularly enjoyed watching the band practice. He would steal glances at the trumpeter and observe his many expressions while playing and arguing with his friends when he disagreed with their way of playing some notes or when they interrupted him while he was getting into a solo. This man was very expressive and Chanyeol found himself being in awe at his sight too often, at his quirks he discovered, his personality that had many facets, each of them as pleasing as the others, even the ones that exposed his flaws. That's only if they could be considered as being negative; it made Baekhyun have even more charm.

But that wasn't everything; his smile literally made him melt and his voice made his heart beat frantically, and not only when he was singing. His wrinkled eyes when he laughed wholeheartedly agitated the butterflies in his stomach like never before, his habit of slapping him playfully when Chanyeol or his friends said something absurd or funny made his cheeks turn red by how cute it was and his deepest interest into their conversations, when everyone chatted together or when the two were alone, made Chanyeol feel truly appreciated, like he was special, like he was valued. He wasn't used to being treated with such respect and attention. It felt absolutely foreign and weird, but fantastic.

And to make the matter worse, Chanyeol had very weird dreams. Ever since he spent the afternoon at Baekhyun’s apartment, he started having the same dream every night and the main protagonist was no one else than Baekhyun. It took place in a big white empty room with no door and no window; only the while walls surrounding them. Baekhyun and Chanyeol would be on the opposite sides, facing each other. There were always no sound aside from their breathing, it was completely silent. At the start, they were far, each of them having their backs against the walls. But throughout every dream, they would be a step closer, while always holding their eye contact. The whole dream could last for a while, but they didn’t move at all; they just looked at each other, a step closer each time. It’s been a month since he started having this dream and now they were only a few centimeters apart.

Their shared gaze was intense and evocative, deep and expressive. They didn’t need to speak. Each time their eyes would lock, their emotions were stronger, their steps were bolder, more confident yet as gentle as their first encounters in the white room. Sometimes, his dreams felt like hours, but he never got tired of looking into Baekhyun’s eyes. Not even once. He also felt a strange and unexplainable energy around them that pulled them closer to each other, almost like magnets, the energy more powerful every night. Chanyeol guessed that it would explain the reason why they got closer in every dream, but the closer they got, the greater their attraction was.

But the worst part was when he woke up. His body and his mind would be on fire, yearning for Baekhyun. He would feel warm and full, the effects of their strange gaze and fierce attraction imprinted in him with such force and profound sensations. However, it would also leave him with a feeling of emptiness. Waking up alone, knowing that the subject of his dreams wasn’t with him, was painful, not only physically but also mentally. Every time he would wake up, he would have the urge to see Baekhyun’s face, to hear his voice, to have skinship in one way or another. While they didn’t have any physical contact in his dreams, he craved for it, although it wasn't necessary since their gazes were enough to make him feel all sorts of things he wasn't familiar with. Nonetheless, he would still yearn to brush his hair, to intertwine their hands, to hold him in his arms, to whisper silly words in his ear and at the same time brush his nose against his hair just for the sake of feeling closer, if not even the slightest.

But what drove him crazy the most, even if he wouldn’t admit it, was how desperate he was for Baekhyun’s lips to be on his.

Oh, how he wished for it to happen.

When they would be at the bar, he would subtly observe his lips, imagining how it would feel like when it would touch his. He wondered how he tasted like, how soft he would be. Sometimes, he would catch himself staring at Baekhyun's lips while he would wet them before playing his instrument, following the movement of his tongue with his eyes, or when he would be talking with the other musicians, observing the movement with each word he pronounced or when he chuckled, when he was pouting or annoyed. He would even come up with different scenarios about how they could accidentally kiss, how they would end up enjoying it and want more. And there was no way he could stop it. He tried, God knows he did, but it was futile.

Suddenly, the buzzing of Chanyeol’s phone woke him up from his train of thoughts that were taking over his mind and body. It was starting to become a bad habit. Still stuck in his fantasy with Baekhyun, he looked at his messages, distracted.

 _From: Wu_  
_Dude, you’re late. Did you forget our meeting today?_

Shit. So that’s what he forgot to write in his memo. The message completely awoke him from his fantasies, like he had just been poured a bucket of ice over his head, and without wasting time, he replied to the drummer.

 _From: Chanyeol_  
_Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m leaving now._

He almost instantly got another message.

 _From: Wu_  
_Get your ass over here as soon as possible. We have to talk. We are at Starbucks next to the City Hall station._

He didn’t bother replying back. He took his belongings and took the subway as fast as he could, fretting a little bit because of the sudden rush. When he entered the coffee shop after what felt like an eternity on the crowded subway, he saw his three band mates sitting at a table, drinking silently. Chanyeol stayed at the front door for a while, preparing himself mentally for what was coming next. He didn’t know what would happen exactly, but he was expecting their meeting to be anything but peaceful after what happened the past weeks. He then took a deep breath and joined them, nervous, but walking with as much confidence as he could manage. He wouldn't show them any of his weaknesses.

“Finally! It was long enough!” Zitao had always been impatient, so Chanyeol wasn’t surprised of his reaction.

“Yeah, the subway was slow. Sorry about that.”

They looked at their drinks while the tall man was taking a seat, silence filling their table. None of them uttered a word for the next minutes, not even drinking their orders. Chanyeol fiddled with his fingers under the table while waiting impatiently for someone to break the ice, eyeing his three band mates curiously. When he was starting to lose his composure under the pressure, Lu Han coughed, trying to be subtle but failing. “Do you want to order something?”

“No. I’m fine,” Chanyeol replied, looking at Lu Han by his side.

The four men didn’t speak for a while again. Luhan started to sip his drink while Zitao and Yi Fan were stealing unsubtle and suspicious glances at each other. They could feel the tension escalating slowly under the background of trendy American songs that were playing in the coffee shop and Lu Han's loud sipping, none of them taking the initiative to speak first. Chanyeol could barely stay still. To say that the moment was awkward would be too weak of a word to describe it.

“Let’s just get straight to the point, should we?” Yi Fan looked at Chanyeol sternly, tired of wasting time. “We have been discussing about a lot of things this past month, Chanyeol.” The guitarist already didn’t like the direction the conversation was taking.

“You have been ignoring our calls since we held the auditions. You have also skipped our practice sessions. We’ve been trying to reach you by any mean, but you were never at your place and you didn’t give us a cue about your whereabouts. And we got tired of it. Do you understand?”

Yi Fan was right; he was avoiding them. But what they didn’t know was that it wasn’t fully voluntarily. Sure, he was avoiding them like the plague when he lost his job. He was still pissed at them for liking this Minho guy and he felt like breaking everything that would come his way when even imagining playing with them or seeing their faces. He was also freaking out and trying to figure a solution to solve his problems concerning his lack of money to pay his rent as well as finding a job, something he failed at miserably. He had too much to deal with and not much patience. But he was also trying to avoid Baekhyun at that time and since the studio where they practiced was close to Cloud 9, he didn’t dare walk in that area, too scared to meet the jazz musicians.

But the next three weeks were not intentional. He spent all his free time at the bar, being trained as a bartender and also as a cook to help in the kitchen in times of need. Even if the bar opened in the evening, he had to practice making drinks as well as preparing the side dishes on their menu. His schedule didn’t give him a chance to meet his band mates since they held their jam sessions during his shifts. His band would sometimes be at the back of his mind, but he wasn't too keen on meeting his band mates either, finding excuses to avoid them. That's when he actually thought about them. He was so caught up with Baekhyun that the Chinese men didn’t even cross his mind.

“So we took a decision.” Yi Fan’s serious tone made Chanyeol gulp, anticipating what he was going to reveal. “We decided that we are going to continue our band without you.”

At that moment, Chanyeol stopped breathing, his whole body abruptly refraining any motion for the first time since he entered the place. Were they serious? His ears must have played tricks on him. “Are you telling me that you are kicking me out of my own band?” he asked, shocked. He couldn’t believe it. It was definitely a joke or a prank. It had to be.

“Excuse me? Your band? It is our band and we don’t need your moody ass anymore. You’re out,” Zitao said.

Chanyeol then laughed, finding the situation ironic. “And how are you planning to replace me? I am the lead guitarist and I composed almost all of our songs. Are you really going to survive without my skills? There’s no way. I am the leader, the heart of the band! Where are you going to find someone that can replace me?” It didn’t matter if he sounded overly confident and egocentric; he was right and he knew it. His band would be nothing without him. He gave his soul to it, he spent countless nights and days up just for the sake of writing songs that would make them gain recognition and he practiced until his hands would hurt to the point where he couldn’t touch a string for days. He sacrificed so much just for his band, his dream. There was no way they would kick him out. It didn’t make sense.

“Actually, Minho is doing pretty good at the moment.” Lu Han’s words hit Chanyeol like he was just shot.

No. They had to be kidding him. “Minho? What are you talking about?” He could feel anger slowly taking control of his senses.

“When we didn’t hear any news from you, we contacted him and we practiced with him. He is a talented and a good kid. I am sure he will surpass you in no time.”

They were serious. They were actually serious. Chanyeol was seeing red, his body trembling uncontrollably. “So you are saying that Minho, that lame guitarist, is replacing me?” Chanyeol asked, not even bothering to hide his anger and disbelief as he pronounced each word clearly, putting emphasis on the key words 'Minho', 'lame' and 'replacing me'. He could feel his anger boiling in his veins. It couldn’t be real.

“Chanyeol, you are out. It is finished. You are not in the band anymore and we are not going to take you back even if you beg. You lost your chance. It’s over.”

Chanyeol was frozen, completely furious. He could feel every member of his body shake, unable to restrain the sudden flow of emotion surfacing in him. The forgotten anger took possession of him. It had been a while since he felt like this. It was a feeling he didn’t miss.

“Good luck, Chanyeol. And let’s never see each other again.” With a sickening smile, Zitao got up followed by Lu Han and Yi Fan. They didn’t even bother to look back, opening the door and leaving the broken guitarist as well as their half full drinks behind. Suddenly, the only sounds Chanyeol could hear were his blood boiling and his heart beating frantically with pure anger.

He was just betrayed. He was used, played with and abandoned by his own friends. And they stole his band, the most precious thing in his life.

Barely able to control his rage, Chanyeol abruptly got up from his seat, spilling the drinks by the force of the action and making a loud thud resonate in the coffee shop from the contact of his body with the table. Pain shot through his lower abdomen that received a harsh blow from the furniture, feeding him with even more rage than before and increasing his desire to burn the place down. “Fucking shit!”

While mumbling curses to himself and scaring the customers, his voice louder than intended, he flew out of the crowded coffee shop and walked in the neighbouring streets, attempting to regulate his ragged breathing and calm his shaking body. “Fuck! I am going to kill those fuckers!”

Chanyeol paced from left to right for a while, ruffling his hair and taking deep breaths under the stares of the passersby, but he couldn’t see them, couldn’t register their presence, not even aware of the looks he received, his overwhelming emotions completely controlling his mind and body. He could only see the faces of the three men who just left him behind, anger intensifying each second while recalling vividly their expressions, almost laughing at him. The motherfuckers.

He couldn’t believe that his so called 'friends' stole his band, replaced him by an atrocious musician and at the same occasion left him like he was a piece of trash. They had spent years together, performing from time to time and having fun like there was no tomorrow. It didn’t matter if they were only diving Chanyeol deeper into the world of sin, if they only worsened his mood swings and showed him the path he was stuck into; he cared about them in one way or another and he felt completely betrayed. No matter how much of an ass they could be, they shared mutual interests and grew together as teenagers and musicians. It turned out that they were using him for the band and the parties.

While spitting incoherent words to himself and starting to walk straight ahead, he aggressively fondled his pockets and found his dear pack of cigarettes. He was in dire need of a couple of them. Just thinking about holding one, feeling the stick in between his fingertips, was appeasing, even just a little bit. When he eagerly opened the pack, he cursed again at the sight of a single cigarette in it, apparently his last one. “Of course it has to happen now. Fucking shit.”

But he couldn’t dwell on the matter; he had to smoke now. He pulled the cigarette out of its package and threw the small box on the ground before taking his lighter out, swearing while struggling to find it. When he managed to hold it, he tried to light the stick a few times, failing because his hands were unsteady. He turned the lighter on repeatedly, insistent, and managed to finally achieve his complicated task after numerous attempts. He was about to put the tip of the cigarette in between lips when he bumped into someone, his shoulders and arms pushed back harshly as he collided with a woman who was walking past by him. Chanyeol could almost see the lit cigarette fall in slow motion until it hit the ground, to his luck, landing on a puddle.

That was the last straw. The last fucking straw. His last bit of sanity and hope he was hanging onto completely left him at the same time as the cigarette put out at the contact of the water.

While he was feeling like he was reaching the bottom of his desperation and fury, which surprisingly held deeper levels he wasn’t aware about and that he had the greatest pleasure to discover, he saw Yi Fan, Zitao and Luhan walking casually in front of him. His labored breathing intensified, his eyes set on the three figures. At that moment, while watching them like a hawk walk side by side, worriless, something snapped in him. He solely relied on his instincts, almost like a predator, eyes fixated in front of him, ignoring the lady who apologised and growling silently.

Oh, how they would pay for it.

Chanyeol started to run, adrenaline pumping in his veins, only focusing on his prey. As soon as he reached them, he punched them, throwing them on the ground with him. He didn’t hold back and hit them with as much force as he could manage, setting his wild instincts free and punching them mercilessly. He wouldn't spare them one bit. But the other men didn’t let him have the advantage for long. Almost too quickly, the three of them were on top of him, hitting him while he was kicking them randomly. He couldn’t care less if he was alone or not; he had to vent his anger. “So you guys used me all this time? I was merely a fly in your eyes? Fucking idiots!”

While Chanyeol insulted them, Yi Fan immobilised him, taking his wrists in his hands. The red hair man continued to kick him with his knees but the drummer didn’t move an inch. “What do you mean, we betrayed you? You’re the one who left us for another group, for fuck’s sake! You deceived us!”

So now they were the victims? It was ridiculous. “What? My only group is ours! You are the ones who kicked me out!”

“Don’t play innocent, Chanyeol. We saw you enter this fucking lame jazz bar with a guitar and each time you got out of there, you were laughing with these guys like you were having the time of your life! Don’t tell me you didn’t ditch us for them! Do you think we are fucking blind?” Enraged, Yi Fan punched him in the face, making Chanyeol scream in pain, sensing the blood running down his face. He was fighting his hardest so he could lay a hit on the other man, but he had a steady grip on him. At this point, Zitao and Lu Han were merely watching on the sidelines.

“Fucking nonsense! I am not in their group!”

“Yeah, right. And I don’t have a dick. Enough of your lies! You can’t fool us, Chanyeol!”

Chanyeol was fiercely debating under Yifan's grip and hit him as much as he could while feeling his body getting weaker by the second. The adrenaline was starting to lose its effects and he could feel the pain invading him. He probably had bruises everywhere since Yi Fan was not going easy on him, but seeing his face and the two others' dripping with blood satisfied him.

After a few minutes of screaming profanities at each other and taking a bath of blood, police officers separated and immobilised them by squeezing them on their cars and putting handcuffs on the four men’s wrists under the curious looks of the witnesses. In the ride to the police station, Chanyeol felt calmer, his anger being satisfied by the sight of his ex band members beaten up. But he had also received a lot of hits, way more than the others. His reflection on the rear view mirror was the proof that having a fight alone against three people wasn’t a wise idea. However, he was proud of himself. He smirked, mentally celebrating his victory by himself.

That was until Baekhyun’s face appeared in his mind. As soon as it did, he was hit by shame and deception, his smirk faltering as fast as it appeared. While Baekhyun trusted him and kept being considerate and nice towards him, encouraging him towards the path Chanyeol had always seeked but only now started to really follow, he just broke his trust by letting once again his emotions take the best of him. It was too beautiful to be true; he had to mess up somewhere, like usual. He deceived Baekhyun and at the same time went back from zero, erasing the progress he had made ever since he started spending his time in the jazz musicians’ company. How could he even look into Baekhyun’s eyes now that he had done everything he swore to himself he would never do again? How could he have even believed that he would succeed, that he had the strength to make it possible? Chanyeol was a lost cause in the first place and he was blinded by Baekhyun’s sweet words.

Maybe Baekhyun was wrong. He was a failure.

And he would never be able to face him again.

 

[Megadeth - Take No Prisoners](https://youtu.be/ZcySh35ahsY)


	8. Chapter VIII (Part I)

“Where is Chan?”

The group’s performance was about to start any time now, but Chanyeol was still out of sight, which was unusual. He would always be there beforehand. He would currently be sipping his first drink of the night in their company if he would be at Cloud 9, or serving the avid jazz fans who were waiting impatiently for the band to start playing, but he was nowhere to be seen.

“I don’t know. I can’t contact him.”

Sehun seemed nervous and worried, something Baekhyun wasn’t used to see. In fact, it was the first time he saw him in this state. It wasn’t helping in easing him.

“Oh, Chanyeol called me earlier to tell me he was sick and that he wouldn’t be able to make it tonight.”

The musicians all looked at Junmyeon, relieved.

“I see. I hope he will get better soon,” said Jongin while he was filling a glass of red wine.

Baekhyun felt like a weight was taken off his shoulders. He was imagining the worst case scenario possible and he was relieved that Chanyeol was just not feeling well. It was still a bad thing, but it was way better than his catastrophic theories. However, Sehun didn’t seem to share their feelings as he kept pacing around nervously, frowning from time to time.

“Sick? Chanyeol called sick?”

“Yes, he did. Is there a problem?” The owner asked.

“No…No it’s fine. Nevermind.”

Sehun didn’t seem convinced at all, which disturbed Baekhyun. Something was definitely wrong with him and it most probably involved the man who surprisingly wasn’t at the bar for his shift. He was about to ask Sehun about it when he was interrupted as soon as he opened his mouth.

“Baekhyun! We are ready to play!” called Jongdae.

“Yes, I’m coming!”

He was curious as to Sehun’s behaviour, but it wasn’t the right moment for him to dwell on this matter. He could ask the youngest about the situation later; now he had a performance to give.

Baekhyun left his seat and joined his friends on stage. They were all nervous since they were going to record their performance. Yixing brought his recording devices and set it up in the bar in the afternoon with the bartenders’ help, Sehun being especially eager to help when it involved this kind of equipment. Their sessions at his studio were going smoothly, but the band decided to record their songs live as well, to Baekhyun’s constant whining, and for preventive measures. They were planning on listening to the tracks the next day in order to spot the things they needed to improve and to listen more closely to their sound while performing live. They would also keep the possibility of keeping the recording if they were more satisfied to make an album with it instead.

Yixing was an outstanding producer, arranger and mixer. He had the whole package and was a huge asset to their group. While perfecting his drums skills on the side, he studied audio production techniques and learned a few tricks on his own. His dream was originally to start his own record label and to have his own music studio, but being known as a drummer in Baekhyun’s group became another dream of his after meeting the musicians. He was always on the lookout for the newest recording technologies and programs. He tried a lot of his new discoveries with the band and he could spend days locked up in his home studio, working on songs or trying new programs. They were lucky to have such a passionate and talented man in their band.

Moreover, Yixing had a heart of gold. Whenever the band had small arguments, he would be the bridge that connects them and would try to ease the tension so it wouldn't affect the members too quickly. The three other members all leaned on him. Baekhyun would confide in Sehun and Jongin most of the time, but Yixing was one of the warmest people he knew and he trusted him with the band and his own musical ideas. Baekhyun loved their endless conversations about various topics whenever the two of them would meet, or when they would be sprawled on his couch after a performance when Yixing would come over or the other way around. And while Kyungsoo had the perfect pitch and genius musical understanding, Jongdae having an unrivalled sense of rhythm as well as incredible musicality, Yixing added his own touch with his amazing ideas and skills as both a musician and a producer.

When they had the cue to start their performance, assured that the recording devices were on and working well, the musicians took their respective places and got ready with their instruments in hand. Baekhyun was starting off on the piano, agitated yet excited. Standing on the stage always had this magical effect on him. There was something so special about it; the dimmed lights, the eyes of the audience directed at them, the adrenaline that can’t be recreated on any other occasion than while performing. Nothing could compare to it. It was unexplainable, the twist in Baekhyun’s stomach when he was climbing on stage, his whole body shaking of anticipation and excitement, the feeling of literally entering another universe, another world that was solely focused on the things he loved the most, his passion, what made him feel alive.

He closed his eyes for a moment, attempting to not worry too much about Sehun’s strange behaviour, getting into the mood of the first song and letting the strange yet fascinating feeling only the stage can bring him, engulf him. He brushed his fingers over the keys and glanced towards Jongin, who was giving them a wink as well as thumbs up. When Baekhyun was ready, he smiled confidently at his members and counted loudly with the snap of his delicate fingers, swinging to the beat a little bit and humming the melody.

At that moment, he could feel the energy of the audience who was waiting impatiently for them to start and absorbed it. He let the atmosphere of the dimmed lights envelop him and calm his senses. The faint smell of alcohol and wood invaded his nostrils and left a pleasant sensation flow in his body. Baekhyun let the familiar and warming attributes of the bar cover him fully. He felt at peace knowing that he was in such a wonderful place with his dear friends. He was truly lucky.

“One, two, three and four!”

Their performance started with the sound of Jongdae’s incredible and agile saxophone playing. They were performing ‘Eleven Four’, a piece in which his friend could showcase his musicality to the fullest. The song was usually short, but they played around with it and gave more time for Jongdae to shine, even adding a short drum solo to it, creating a dialogue between the two musicians. While playing the chords softly, only accompanying the soloist, Baekhyun let the sound of his friends’ instruments fill his ears, completely blown away by their sound and how well they complemented each others’ skills and tones. It’s during those times, when he was only accompanying them in a relaxed manner, that he would appreciate their playing the most. He almost felt like he was a part of the audience and that he was just there to enjoy their interpretation.

During the whole performance, the members were feeling the music in their own way. While Baekhyun would move his whole body to the rhythm of the songs and never let his smile falter on his face, Kyungsoo would bob his head and move his fingers with energy on his fretboard. On the other hand, Yixing moved his upper body, following the movements of his arms hitting the drum with conviction and pleasure, his face sometimes furrowed in concentration during the hardest fills or completely relaxed, his dimples showing. As to Jongdae, he would move around with his saxophone and conquer the stage, putting on a show with his charisma and letting his body guide him in harmony with the notes he played. Even if each one of them had their own way of playing and feeling the music, they blended perfectly together. They were quite a sight to see.

When their performance was over, the musicians were satisfied. The songs they had been working on for so long made the customers enthusiastic and happy. They clapped cheerfully and even asked for more, a request they fulfilled earnestly.

However, when Baekhyun scanned the crowd, he felt a little bit empty. Someone’s presence was missing and he had to admit that not seeing Chanyeol clapping along and smiling at him felt weird. He spent a lot of time with the guitarist ever since he started to work at the bar and he found himself always looking for him and anticipating their conversations as well as the moments he would accompany him outside while he would smoke his cigarettes, when they would be alone and talk about anything. He could feel Chanyeol opening up to him more and more, even though he still kept his distance over certain things, which made him even more interesting and mysterious. They were getting closer each day and he was looking forward seeing him today. But to his disappointment, he wasn’t there.

He was missing the sight of him taking the customers’ orders, making cocktails at the counter and preparing the side dishes. He would observe his expressions while failing to succeed making the food or seeing his focused and tensed face when he was trying not to mess up. He could be clumsy at times and Baekhyun found it cute and entertaining.

Chanyeol wasn’t much of a talkative type of person, but with a few drinks, he would converse more and Baekhyun had the pleasure to know more about him and to tease him when he could. And Chanyeol retorted back as strongly, playing along and teasing him some more, smiling in victory whenever Baekhyun had nothing more to add, or when they would crack a few jokes around. He never got tired of him and he was always looking forward the new things he would learn about him.

Chanyeol had quite a unique and tricky character, but he had some interesting views about many topics, he was harsh and didn’t hold his tongue, but he was warm and caring for the people dear to him. He didn’t trust others easily, almost always keeping his guard up, he was not much of a social type either, but the bright smiles he shot Baekhyun at times, the small confidences he shared whenever they would be just the two of them, was enough for him to engrave his place into Baekhyun’s life in a way he had never suspected.

But there was something quite new to Baekhyun that Chanyeol had stirred in him, and kept growing more and more with each of their interactions; attraction. Deep and strong attraction. Baekhyun had noticed that the feelings he held for Chanyeol were not exactly the same as the ones for his friends. They were of different nature, even though he cherished him as a friend too. It was more similar to the way he had felt about his past crushes. He dearly cared about Chanyeol and his feelings kept growing each passing day. He considered the other man as a friend first and foremost, but the more they interacted, the clearer it became that he also liked him in a different way, romantically. Baekhyun had never considered himself as being attracted to men, but he wasn’t against homosexuality either. Maybe his feelings should have come as a shock to him, but it was the opposite; he didn’t think too much about them and even welcomed them, let them bloom as he acknowledged and realised he had felt this way for quite some time now. The warmth that came from it was too beautiful and pleasant to push it away. And holding those kinds of feelings for a man was not bad. After all, love is love, no matter in what form and towards which gender.

When it was the time for the bar to close its doors, Yixing finished packing his recording devices and put them in his car, ready to go home, while Baekhyun was thinking about the emptiness of Chanyeol’s absence and his countless thoughts about Sehun’s strange behaviour that was clearly related to it.

“So are we meeting at my place later today to listen to the recording?” Yixing asked.

“Of course! I can be there only at two o’clock though, if it is alright with you,” replied Jongdae.

“Yeah, that’s alright," said Kyungsoo.

“It’s a date then! See you later!”

With these words, Yixing got into his car with Kyungsoo and Jongin, who insisted on helping him unload the recording devices from his van, and left the other guys on the now quiet streets surrounding the bar. Everyone proceeded to walk together, getting farther away from their favourite place, and chatted about a few things, mostly their excitement about listening to their recording later.

Sehun was still acting weird and seemed particularly distracted. When all of them went their own way, the group of friends heading towards their homes that were in opposite directions, Baekhyun tried to stop the youngest in his track before they would separate, Sehun only living farther down the street where Baekhyun’s apartment was located, to ask him a few questions, curious about what was burdening him. However, Sehun left hurriedly without even sparing him a glance.

And the same scenario occurred for the next days.

As if on cue, Chanyeol was still nowhere to be seen.

Baekhyun was starting to be extremely worried about him. Something was wrong and he would definitely solve the mystery.

He tried everything in order to make Sehun spill his secret, but nothing worked. He also tried to look for Chanyeol on his own, but he didn’t know his address. And of course, Sehun, Junmyeon and Minseok wouldn’t tell him a word. He spammed the latter with countless calls and messages, efforts that didn’t lead anywhere. No matter which tactics he attempted, he failed. He tried following Sehun after work until he would reach his home, but it was impossible to achieve since the younger was always heading somewhere else, leaving Baekhyun alone on his way to his apartment to go to an unknown location instead. Baekhyun even made his irresistible puppy eyes, bribed Sehun with his favourite food and paid him “surprise” drinks at the bar under the name of “Sehun’s bestie for life”. Nothing worked.

He was starting to lose his patience and to desperately find new means in order to know at least his whereabouts. But he failed each time. He wondered what motivated them to keep Chanyeol's informations and situation from him so persistently, even if they kept insisting that he had some “circumstances” he shouldn't worry too much about. It was very strange and he while he was willing to let it slide at first, not wanting to pry into Chanyeol's personal life, knowing when he was off limits, no matter how close they became over the past weeks, it was getting harder to turn a blind eye on the matter. Something was fishy and the more his friends kept silent, the more troubled Baekhyun was. Something serious must have happened and he wasn't aware of it. It was driving him crazy.

Now, it had been a week since he last saw him and it was strongly affecting his mood.

He missed him. He missed his voice, his curly hair, his smile, his unsubtle looks when Baekhyun was playing on stage, his attempt to keep a stoic face when it was clear that he was dying to freely show his emotions and share his many thoughts. He missed his crude jokes and curses that spilled naturally from his mouth, his endearing habit he found out, the sight of him wearing his uniform, his satisfied sighs when he would drink Junmyeon’s special beer, watching the trail of smoke out of his mouth and nostrils when he would smoke outside and always make sure that no toxic smoke would be straightly directed at him.

Baekhyun really missed Chanyeol. He missed everything about him; the good and the bad.

That afternoon, Baekhyun went to Junmyeon’s place. It was both their day off and he was determined to make him spill everything he knew about the strange situation involving Sehun, Minseok and Chanyeol. The masquerade had to stop. It was unbearable and unfair that such a visibly serious thing was kept away from him. When he knocked on the door, a sleepy and distressed Junmyeon greeted him.

“Baekhyun? What are you doing here?”

“Good morning to you too, my dear friend.”

The owner immediately guessed the reason why the trumpeter came to his home so early, especially with his wide and charming smile he pulled off whenever he wanted something. Baekhyun was almost like an open book to him; unable to hide his emotions, and his tone completely gave away his intentions that were already clear for the whole week.

With a sigh, he gave up.

“Okay, I get it. You can come in. It’s time I spill the beans. I am tired of keeping the secret anyway.”

Baekhyun didn’t lose a second and barged into his home, sitting on the sofa eagerly, struggling to stand still. Junmyeon slowly took his cup of coffee, barely awake, and took a seat next to him. Baekhyun watched him take a few gulps while playing with his hands, waiting for him to speak first. Under Baekhyun’s intent stare, he took a deep breath and ruffled his bed hair. That moment felt like an eternity to Baekhyun who was tapping his foot in lack of patience. Junmyeon sighed and placed his half full mug on a table next to him.

“I honestly don’t think I should be the one to reveal the informations concerning Chanyeol…”

Exasperated, Baekhyun breathed out loudly, not even trying to contain his nerves anymore.

“Oh, come on! I’ve been dying to know about it for a week! I am his friend; don’t I have the right to know what is happening with Chanyeol and why Sehun and Minseok are acting weird?”

“I know and I was against hiding everything from you, but it isn’t my place to tell the whole situation. Instead, I will give you a few hints that will lead you to Chanyeol’s sudden disappearance.”

Unsatisfied but interested, Baekhyun urged him to continue. Junmyeon took another sip of his hot beverage before giving in.

“When I hired Chanyeol, we spent a few hours together at my place. We talked about a few things, you know, just to get to know more about ourselves as boss and employer. That day, he asked me about my knowledge as a musician. I can only play a little bit of piano and I am far from being a professional, but I shared a little bit of my past with music and my goal as the owner of Cloud 9. I explained him how I wanted the new generation to appreciate jazz music more and to discover how wonderful it is. While I am only an amateur musician, I can tell that jazz music is like no other. We ended up talking about jazz for a while, he seemed interested.”

This surprised Baekhyun. Chanyeol was a die hard rock fan and he never missed an occasion to say how much jazz was boring. Was he hiding the fact that he was changing his mind? But now that he was thinking about it, Chanyeol had stopped making degrading comments about the genre a while ago.

“Then, I showed him my collection of CDs as well as my jazz music theory books. I lended them to him and we would meet at the bar every day earlier than everyone else. We would sometimes go there in the early morning and I would give him a few lessons with the piano. We spent a bunch of days like this, regardless of being tired or not. After maybe around two days when I hired him, he brought his electric guitar as well as a book he bought concerning jazz guitar playing. It was quite a bad written book so I lent him one of mine instead with many various jazz standards and showed him a few tricks. I also let him practice on his own.”

Baekhyun couldn’t believe it. Chanyeol was learning about jazz and practicing guitar by himself at the bar? Without anyone other than Junmyeon knowing about it? That was impressive.

“But why are you telling me all of this? How is this related to his sudden disappearance?”

Junmyeon sipped his coffee, not answering his questions. After a few seconds, Baekhyun’s eyes widened as he understood the purpose of those informations.

“Wait…Don’t tell me…”

Seeing that Baekhyun got the trick, Junmyeon got up and went to the kitchen to dispose his cup that was now empty.

“You guessed it. Chanyeol is probably at the bar at the moment, practicing. He still hasn’t missed a day even if he wasn’t working at night. He was at the bar all day long instead.”

Baekhyun’s heart started to beat faster, many different emotions hitting him at once. Just the thought of being able to see him after such a long time made his thoughts and heart go wild.

“But why isn’t he working?”

“Just go there and ask him yourself. I won’t spill anything else.”

Still stunned, Baekhyun stayed on the couch for a few minutes, nervous about the possibility of meeting Chanyeol, but also anticipating how their reunion would go. It might have only been a week since the last time he had seen him, but it felt way longer than that. If Chanyeol was hiding himself from him, he probably had a very good reason to do so. But Baekhyun was a curious person by nature, so he stood up and left Junmyeon’s home after giving him a tight hug and thanking him wholeheartedly.

He was finally going to see Chanyeol. And the butterflies in his stomach were stronger than ever before.

 

 

[Dave Brubeck Quarter - Eleven Four](https://youtu.be/-Ga4IBcQBFc)


	9. Chapter VIII (Part II)

Baekhyun was now at the front door of the building where Cloud 9 was. And he was extremely nervous, to the point in which he wondered how come he hadn’t passed out already. Meeting Chanyeol unexpectedly like this was so nerve wracking, especially since the other man was avoiding him for an unknown reason. But he would figure it out soon.

It was currently December, white light snow covering the roads. Baekhyun was freezing underneath his coat since he forgot to wear his scarf, too preoccupied about going to Junmyeon’s as soon as he woke up. His toes could barely move either, due to the cold puddle he had the pleasure to discover a tiny bit too late and that managed to flood his supposedly waterproof winter boots, but no matter how much he was longing for heat, he couldn’t bring himself to climb the stairs that lead to the second floor yet.

Constant contradictory thoughts confused him about what the best decision was. On one hand, he was convinced that Chanyeol probably needed some time alone and to stay away from him. He had no idea why Chanyeol was keeping things from him, along with his friends, but he trusted that the reasons that motivated them to act like they did for the whole week were surely pretty good ones. So he didn’t want to invade Chanyeol’s privacy. Chanyeol would come to him when he would want to do so.

But on the other hand, he was dying to know what bothered him to the point of complete isolation. Not only he was skipping his job, something in which Junmyeon apparently agreed to, but he was also keeping secrets from him. Sehun and Minseok knew everything and it was disturbing him. Why wouldn’t he have the privilege to be aware of his situation? Was he a bad friend? Did Chanyeol lie when he said he trusted him? Were they planning something behind his back? Were all the previous weeks in each others’ company, opening up and building their friendship, meaningless or not enough for Chanyeol to entrust him with the seemingly serious situation? Wasn’t he worthy enough to know about it as well? There were too many unanswered questions and Baekhyun couldn’t take it anymore. He had to see Chanyeol and to make him confess everything.

When a freezing breeze strongly hit the trumpeter, he decided that he shouldn’t hesitate anymore; he was only a few steps away from his friend and he would confront him at any cost.

Taking the opportunity to enter the place while he still had enough courage to do so, he took shelter from the cold and silently climbed the stairs, passing by the frames he loved, but too conflicted and nervous to pay it much attention. Too soon to his liking yet restless, he was at the entrance of the bar, his whole body shaking from the freezing weather as well as his nerves. He could hear the sound of a guitar through the closed door.

Chanyeol was there.

His heart started to beat so loudly it was resonating in his ears, pulsating through his entire body. He could feel it relentlessly pushing his chest; it would explode at any second. All his senses were amplified. Rarely had he felt such intensity. He held his breath for a few seconds, completely unable to move and questioning every ounce of determination he had on his way to the bar. But it wasn’t the time to be a coward and he would regret it if he would turn back, so he took a deep breath and finally opened the door before being too caught up in his thoughts. To his dismay, it made a loud creaking noise, thanks to the fact that the building was old and that the bar was mainly composed of wood. It only took a millisecond for his plan of being subtle to crumble, taking the last bit of composure he was desperately hanging onto with it.

His not so discreet entry effectively reached Chanyeol’s ears and he stopped playing, jumping a little bit because of the unexpected noise. At that moment, they made their first eye contact after a whole week. Baekhyun held his breath, unable to move once again.

The sight in front of him pained him.

There he was, the subject of his constant worries, with bruises, scars and cuts on his face. Some of them still had a taint of blue, others were bright red. His knuckles were badly swollen and had frightening marks of cuts, a few of them bigger than the others, some of them seemingly starting to heal. Baekhyun wondered how come he could still play guitar with injuries like these. His posture made him look small and fragile, as if he was desperately trying to hide, as if he lost all his usual confidence. But the most heartbreaking were his eyes. They were insecure, vulnerable and sad. They were not the usual bright and energetic ones, they were not daring and wild; they were hurt and broken. They lost their essence, their identity.

Chanyeol was broken. And it was too painful for Baekhyun to watch him in this state.

He could tell that the guitarist was surprised to see him there. He looked like a deer caught in headlights; eyes wide and his whole body frozen.

The two men held their eye contact for a while, neither of them attempting to speak or move. Both of them were too focused on processing and scrutinizing the sight of each other. The longer they held their gaze, the more awkward and tense they felt.

After a few minutes that felt like hours, Baekhyun took a few steps, hesitant. As he got closer to Chanyeol, his bruises were even clearer, to his dismay. The more he was in his reach, the harder it was to look at him and to restrain his tears. He was happy to finally see him, but he was also terrified to know what happened to his dear friend. It was probably something horrible to leave him in such conditions. But he had to be strong, so he swallowed his tears and gathered all the strength that had left him, fighting with every ounce of courage he could get his grasp on, no matter how deeply buried they were inside of him, or rather nonexistent at that instant.

When they were in front of each other, only a couple of inches away, Baekhyun could clearly see the trouble in Chanyeol’s eyes. He was definitely not expecting him to be there and he seemed to dislike it. Ignoring his heart shattering, Baekhyun proceeded to lighten the mood that was incredibly heavy.

“Hi.”

His voice sounded thinner than he wanted to as he choked the word out. It was one single syllable, but it had never been so difficult to pronounce. Chanyeol just looked at him without saying a word, probably too shocked. For once, Baekhyun, the man who always had something to say, was at loss. He had no idea what he could say at that moment. He hated that feeling.

He swallowed audibly under Chanyeol’s intense stare and looked at his guitar for a second, changing his focus on something that would be less perturbing. It was the first time that he saw it outside of its case. He knew nothing about this instrument, but he recognized the famous shape of a Fender Stratocaster, a kind of guitar that was popular among rockers.

“What were you playing?” Baekhyun asked to continue his mission of lightening the mood. He didn’t know if it would work, but he was so desperate that he couldn’t care less at that moment. He then directed his gaze back to Chanyeol, distress evident in the latter’s defeated orbs.

Now avoiding Baekhyun’s eyes, the red hair man seemed lost in his thoughts. They were silent for a moment, both of them nervous and having no clue about how to act, until Chanyeol cleared his throat and finally answered his question.

“‘Born To Be Blue’.”

Baekhyun knew this song perfectly. His father used to sing it to him when he was younger and he showed him the chords too. It had been a while since he played it, but he loved the song. He had always liked the rawness of the lyrics and Chet Baker’s interpretation was fantastic, his favourite.

At that moment, an idea crossed his mind. He was dubious, but it was worth the try.

“Would you mind if I joined you while you play it?”

The question surprised the guitarist. He seemed confused and far from being convinced. They stared at each other for a moment until Chanyeol finally nodded, to Baekhyun’s relief and pleasure. After thinking about the song, he wanted to play it. It would be a good way to ease the tension. Moreover, he had never heard Chanyeol play guitar so it would be a chance for him to witness his performance as a new jazz enthusiast.

Slowly, Baekhyun reached the piano and sat on the bench, taking his time to find the most comfortable position while taking a few steady breaths, convincing himself that he was doing the right thing by meeting Chanyeol against his will. When he was comfortably sitting and a tiny little bit more composed, he looked at his friend and made a motion to tell him that he could start first. With swollen hands, Chanyeol shifted on the chair he was sitting on and played the first chords. His fingers were shaky, but he eventually warmed up and the more he repeated the notes, the more he got the hang of it. After a few tries, he was a little bit more relaxed.

Baekhyun then joined him, glad that he was playing in the same key in which he learned the song. It wouldn’t be too much trouble to transpose it, but it was easier this way. While playing, he observed the broken man and listened closely to his interpretation. He was steady, not rushing the tempo at all. He could tell that Chanyeol was paying attention to the chords and their colours. He was trying to link them together, to make music have all its sense. The chords were not just randomly put together because it sounded nice; they had a reason to be and they told a specific story, they held emotions. And he respected it beautifully. It wasn’t a particularly hard song, but it could be easy to mess it up or to make it sound boring. Chanyeol was having the hang of it.

At first, they were just casually playing the chords, Baekhyun improvising a few notes here and there, but after some time, he started to sing. As soon as he did, he let all his trapped feelings in him set free. Even if he himself didn’t relate to the lyrics personally at this moment of his life, he felt old emotions and past memories take a hold of him mixed with Chanyeol’s, pouring his heart out as he sang the syllables and made the story it told his own. Chanyeol had definitely chosen this song for a reason and he could tell it represented him well, even though he didn’t know much about his past or even his current struggles he had been hiding quite well for the past week. But he knew him enough to deduce that this song held a specific meaning to the guitarist.

As they kept playing, Baekhyun could barely contain his tears, which were battling their way out of his eyes. Each note he and Chanyeol played hit him without mercy. He could feel the lyrics, enveloping him from head to toes, tugging at his soul. When he finished playing his solo on the piano, he couldn’t restrain his emotions anymore. His voice started to crack, full of pain. His mouth was shaking and his nose was starting to run. The notes he played made no sense anymore, his trembling fingers repeatedly missing the right ones. His playing was a mess.

But he couldn’t stop. A strange force was urging him to continue no matter how messily he was playing. After a while, he couldn’t hear the guitar anymore. He wasn’t sure if Chanyeol had stopped for some time and only noticed now or if he just did. Ignoring the other man’s stare, he continued to play, turning into a sobbing mess. His fingers eventually left the piano keys when he had lost all control over his body, tilting his head back and his tears streaming down his face, his nerves breaking loose with such intensity Baekhyun was surprised at how heavily the weight he was bearing on his shoulders was affecting him.

The next minutes were completely silent, only the sound of Baekhyun’s sobs echoing in the bar. It took a while before he could regulate his breathing and he wiped his tears with the back of his hand. He then looked into Chanyeol’s eyes and let his heart out.

“Why didn’t you tell me anything? What happened to you, Chan?”

He didn’t care if he looked pathetic or if Chanyeol would think he was crazy, with his voice loud and tainted from his cries. He just couldn’t deal with the situation and his bottled up feelings anymore.

“I have been worried sick about you and now I learn that you purposely avoided me the whole time? Were you lying when you told me that you trust me? Does our time together the past weeks mean nothing to you? Were you planning on avoiding me for the next weeks and turn it into months? Did I do something wrong? Tell me! I am so lonely right now, so hurt.”

Chanyeol was looking at him with wide eyes, clearly not expecting Baekhyun to react this way.

“I…Baek-”

“I am so tired, so tired of everything. You keep saying that you want to become a better person, you are even trying to stop smoking again and now you suddenly disappear out of nowhere, completely beaten up and broken like someone just told you that your whole family died. Don’t you know that as a friend, I am here for you and that I want to help you as much as I can? But how come you always keep pushing me away in the end? Don’t pretend like I haven’t noticed how you take a huge pleasure to keep things from me.”

“Baekhyun, it’s not what you think.”

“Then explain it to me, damn it!”

Chanyeol was surprised. Baekhyun never cursed or raised his voice and he never once lost his temper with him. Baekhyun had too much pent up and the only way he could cope with the tornado ravaging him was to let it out, even if it was in an unhealthy way. He couldn’t think straight. Chanyeol was scared, but he put his guitar back in his case and stood up, eyes glassy and filled with tears.

“How could I show myself to you when I look like shit? When I can’t even walk straight for days because of my fucking injuries? Just look at me! I am completely bruised and pathetic! These stupid friends of mine stole my band away from me and ran away without listening to me! I lost control and vent my frustration with my fists instead of acting like the grown man I am supposed to be. I am so ashamed and disappointed! All the efforts I made these past weeks crumbled in front of my own eyes because I am too much of an idiot to learn from my mistakes. Then I spent the night at the police station and Minseok had to pay for my fees to let me out. Fuck! You think I could be able to show up in front of you in such a pitiful state?”

Chanyeol took a breath, visibly disturbed and exhausted. He took a few strides and stopped when he was only a few centimeters away from Baekhyun, his expression so dejected and regretful.

“How could I tell you all of this when I am so ashamed? Yes, I had to get some injuries checked out and I couldn’t leave home for days because of it, but I also didn’t want to disappoint you. But I was right; look at you now, staring at me with such pitiful and resentful eyes. I knew that I would disappoint you so I acted like a coward and hid from you. I have been spending all my days in my disgusting apartment, regretting every single thing I have done in my entire miserable life, thinking about what I did last week and all the shit I wish wouldn’t have happened in the past too. Minseok and Sehun were staying close to me whenever they could, spending their nights with me and helping me out in the state I am in, and I only started to go out and practice here two days ago, but it wouldn’t comfort me as much as it did a few years ago. I didn’t want you to see me like this, Baek.”

Baekhyun was shocked at his revelation. So the only reason he was avoiding him was because he was ashamed? He could have informed him about his medical issues that ensured from his fight, but still decided to keep him in ignorance because he was afraid he would be disappointed in him? Only for that reason? He clenched his fists before loosening his grip, sadness and longing taking over.

“And didn’t you consider even once that I would have liked to be the one to hug and comfort you?”

When Baekhyun let these words out, Chanyeol’s eyes widened.

“Didn’t you think that I wouldn’t care about how much of a mess you would be? We are humans, we all make mistakes. I, myself, have been through so much misery mentally that I can only sympathize with you and lend a helping hand. I would have been more than happy to have gotten you out of the police office, to have been the first person that would come to your mind when you would be in trouble or just want to talk to someone. I would be happy to see you in your worst moments as well as your greatest ones. Isn’t it what friends are for?”

Breathless, Baekhyun stopped for a short moment, the word “friends” having a bitter meaning, sounding even wrong coming from his mouth. He spilled the next words without thinking, having surrendered to his impulsion long ago.

“And you know what? I don’t even think that I consider you as a friend anymore. I want us to be more than that already.”

His sudden revelation made Chanyeol freeze in his tracks.

“But it seems like you don’t feel the same way. I thought there was a chance for my feelings to be reciprocated, but I am not so sure anymore.”

It took a few moments for Chanyeol to digest Baekhyun's words. When he finally realised what the other man said, Baekhyun was standing still, crying softly. Chanyeol paced around a little bit, ruffling his hair and pondering about what he could say after Baekhyun's revelation, feelings jumbled and hitting him from all sides, powerless.

“I care about you, Baek. Don’t think it’s not the case.”

“Then man up and do something about it Chan, because instead of crying like you are the most unlucky person on Earth and that you are a failure, get up and face your reality. If you really want to change, stop avoiding everything and everyone. Act like a man and show me who you really are, Park Chanyeol.”

With these words, Baekhyun stared at Chanyeol shortly, pained, and left him alone on the stage, taking a few strides towards the exit before wearing his coat in a hurry, struggling to do so with his hands shaking life a leaf and his heart threatening to pop out of his chest at the intensity it was beating. He turned around and looked straight into Chanyeol’s eyes, determined and firm.

“I don't know if you like me the same way as I like you, I don't even know why I suddenly said all of that and I will probably regret it tomorrow, but if you at least care about our friendship, do something about it because as much as I want to be by your side and help you like I did since we've met, I can't stand seeing you in that state. And if I just made everything even more awkward or that I don't mean as much to you as you mean to me, then please, keep in mind that you should take your decisions for yourself first, for your well-being. You can't continue to act like this. You know it as well as me. I don't know what you are running away from, or rather what you are running after, but you won't achieve anything like this. No one can do much for you if you don't want to help yourself first. And if you don't want to see me again after everything I said, then so be it. However, it won't change the fact that I deeply care for you and that I genuinely wish that you will snap out of it and get a hold of yourself.”

Baekhyun tried to read Chanyeol's expression, hoping to see an answer of some sort, but was met with even more confusion.

“I’ll be waiting.”

He hurriedly left the bar, tears still wetting his cheeks. He wasn’t one to make assumptions, to act so selfishly and on a whim, but he was tired of seeing the guitarist in such a pitiful shape. He understood perfectly what Chanyeol told him and he had every reason to act the way he did, but he couldn’t bear seeing him putting himself down any longer. Chanyeol had to gain all the bravery and force he had when they first met and if he would have to be harsh in order to wake him up, he was ready to risk it. It pained him to act this way towards him, the man he held growing loving feelings for, but he didn’t have any choice.

It reminded him of his past self, of the time when he was doing the same thing as him when his father died. He felt like he was seeing his torments in Chanyeol and he didn’t want him to be stuck with his inner demons. He couldn’t bear watching his own broken reflexion in Chanyeol, no matter how different the source of their distress were. Baekhyun was able to overcome his suffering and he had no doubt that Chanyeol could do the same, no matter how long it would take.

It was for Chanyeol’s own good. Now, the matter was in his hands. He dearly hoped that it would be enough to shake him and to make him confront the reality he was desperately avoiding.

 

 

[Chet Baker - Born To Be Blue](https://youtu.be/3y11EHQAGhU)


	10. Chapter IX

Chanyeol and Baekhyun were in the familiar white room, once again. They have been meeting there for months now and they still always got closer to each other every time. Their gaze was stronger than ever before and Chanyeol could even notice a new kind of intensity in the other man’s eyes. This time, they were particularly expressive. Strange and powerful emotions were clear; there was affection, concern, love but mostly need.

In every meaning it could hold.

They were standing so close that their faces were touching, their noses bumping each other and their lips brushing gently, motionless. They were breathing heavily yet calmly. Their closeness was intimate and soft, but also full of tension. Many feelings were clashing, ones of similar nature yet so different. Their whole bodies were touching, a sensation that drove Chanyeol absolutely mad. While he was looking straight into Baekhyun’s eyes, a strong desire was eating his heart and body out, enjoying the trumpeter’s slight touch on his lips. He wanted more; he needed more. His body was almost aching from yearning, wanting nothing more than to close the gap between the two and simply pull their bodies closer, to feel Baekhyun’s body fully, to trail his fingertips on his skin that was only asking to be touched, but he couldn’t move. He could only stare into Baekhyun’s eyes that mirrored his own, feel the other man’s lips on his, let the fire in his abdomen burn as he was growing more and more impatient.

At this point, Chanyeol was panting faintly, his heart bursting in his chest and his blood pumping wildly in his veins as he couldn’t suppress his desires any longer. Baekhyun wasn’t doing any better; he was barely standing still either, Chanyeol able to feel his chest heaving at an erratic pace against his, witnessing the change in Baekhyun’s eyes that were getting more and more clouded with each passing second, dark with a hint of lust and even more love. Their hot breaths were mixing together, echoing in the silent room, and Chanyeol wanted nothing more than to do the same with their bodies.

And for the first time since they started to meet there, one of them spoke. Baekhyun suddenly opened his mouth, making his lips move against Chanyeol’s, a delicious sensation that made shivers crawl up his spine, and whispered lowly and slowly, almost seductively, his voice filled with unspoken desires and emotions, and while never breaking their eye contact:

“Kiss me.”

At that moment, Chanyeol’s alarm clock assaulted his ears, violently waking him up from his dream and making him jump. His breathing was uneven and his heart was beating so fast he thought it was going to pop out of his chest. Sweat was covering his entire body, his skin almost flaming from the intensity of the dream he just had. And it wasn’t looking too good down south either. When he moved his legs, he was greeted by an erection that he soon discovered was already slightly leaking. He was rock hard, his penis standing high and proud and throbbing with strong craving. He sighed, not wanting to deal with something like this first thing in the morning. He wasn’t one to have wet dreams, and he didn’t understand how a simple interaction like the one they had, barely any touching, solely looks and sensations possessing him, was able to make him have a boner, and quite an intense one at that. 

Chanyeol took a few deep breaths to calm down and focused on maintaining a regular pattern, progressively pushing Baekhyun’s gaze away from his mind, which was still vivid. It took him a while to fully recover from the intense emotions that traveled through his whole body while meeting Baekhyun that night, but he eventually succeeded after what felt like an eternity. Although he had to release his pent up sexual frustration, nothing other than jerking off being able to calm that area or even his deep craving. It didn’t take him long to reach his orgasm, the simple sensation of Baekhyun’s lips moving against his still perfectly clear being enough to stimulate his imagination and to drive him to the edge.

He missed him so badly, he was going insane.

Not only he was longing for them to communicate like they used to, but his entire body was longing for them to have a contact. And his lips were definitely obsessing him. He wasn’t sure if his dreams were getting more and more fervid because they hadn’t talked to each other for two weeks already or if it was because Chanyeol was starting to notice his feelings towards the man. Ever since Baekhyun confessed to him, he seriously considered the nature of his emotions concerning him. Sure, he was attracted to him and he knew it, but the possibility of wanting more than friendship was becoming evident in Chanyeol’s mind and he was getting to a point where he had no doubt that his need to kiss him, to hold him and to take care of him as if he was the most precious being in the world were because he was falling deeply in love. He might have been blind all along, even rejected the idea the numerous times it crossed his mind because of too many reasons, wondering if love was even something he could have the privilege to feel or live, but he had never realised that the feelings he had been holding for Baekhyun were of this nature. After all, he had never felt such similar feelings before. The thought alone was scary.

But Chanyeol was bad with emotions. He was horrible at managing his feelings and expressing himself in general. Maybe that’s why he always felt like music was his only way to really communicate.

However, Baekhyun’s words kept repeating in his mind like a spell. He was actually sharing the exact same feelings he held for him and Baekhyun even dared confessing while he didn't know if Chanyeol would reciprocate them. He couldn't believe it. He was very dubious even if he trusted and knew the other man well, wondering if it was some kind of joke at some point, but Baekhyun was definitely serious about it. It wasn't that he didn't believe in his words, but rather that he didn't believe in himself, that someone could have such feelings towards him. Chanyeol was torn between crying of joy or staying hidden in his comfort zone, to avoid the dangers flashing in front of him at the thought of being disappointed or even worse; of having his heart torn into pieces. He didn't need that to add up to his turmoils. He needed Baekhyun, even more now that they had been avoiding each other for weeks. It was too painful, he couldn't cope with being at close proximity yet so far away. Baekhyun had always been supportive and caring and he missed it more than he could have imagined. And while he wished for nothing more than to tell him how much he wanted to be with him, to be his boyfriend and to shower him with his overflowing feelings, he couldn't bring himself to do it. But he knew that Baekhyun was right; it was finally the time for him to confront himself and to take important decisions. It wasn’t an option anymore. Baekhyun cornered him and he knew that he wouldn’t wait an eternity for him to man up. But he was so scared and far from being ready. He had too many scars, too many uncertainties; he had too many doubts and not enough confidence.

That’s why he called Minseok a few days ago and managed to find a matching schedule for them to meet and have a discussion about it. While the older man was there to comfort and support him since he got out of the police office a month ago, Chanyeol never spoke about his feelings. But he couldn’t handle all his hidden emotions anymore and as much as he trusted Sehun, a surprisingly wise guy for his age, he trusted Minseok’s experience and compassion on a whole other level and he wanted to open up to him first.

Not wanting to be late on their morning coffee plan, Chanyeol got up from his bed and quickly wore the first clothes he saw that were messily thrown in his drawers. Thanks to his two friends, he was able to keep his small apartment. He felt guilty for asking them so much, but they insisted on handing him a hand and helping him paying his bills that kept piling up. His home was tiny, not having a single room aside from the bathroom. He slept on a mattress on the floor in what could be considered a living room. He didn’t have a TV and almost no furniture; the only household devices being the ones he used to cook and a few drawers here and there. It also occurred often that he only had access to cold water, but he was used to it. His apartment wasn’t ideal, but at least he had a place he could call his home.

When he was ready to go, he took a look at his watch, relieved that he would be able to make it on time. He was still shaken from his dream, but he tried not to think about it while putting his earphones on, playing Kenny Burrell’s album ‘All Night Long’ that Junmyeon lended him a few days ago. He strangely got interested into jazz when Baekhyun explained him a few tricks about the chords’ structures and colours. It felt so rich compared to the power chords he mostly played when playing rock music or blues. The feeling was very different and hard to grasp, Chanyeol being used to express himself through the other kinds of music, but it was fun. Very complex, but great. It still felt unnatural for him to play and understand jazz music, but listening to the groups playing every night at Cloud 9 immersed him more into the mood and helped him understand it better. He would secretly watch the amateurs on the jam sessions and observe the guitarists’ techniques carefully. Now that he didn’t have his band anymore, something that was still painful, he could have more freedom and explore different techniques.

When he arrived downtown at the Adrian Yoon Cafe, the last notes of ‘Just A Sitting' And A Rockin'’ were playing through his headphones. It was his first time listening to the album and he enjoyed it a lot so far. Kenny Burrell was a great guitarist, he couldn’t deny it.

As soon as he entered the cafe, which was almost empty, the workers around probably sitting in their office, he was welcomed by the sound of jazz music as well as the smell of hot and definitely tasty coffee. Minseok was already sitting at a table next to the windows, waving at him with a huge smile on his face. Chanyeol smiled back and joined him at the table after ordering his comforting drink on the current freezing weather. After all, Christmas was approaching fast. It was his first time there and he liked the calm atmosphere. The walls were yellow and there were some paintings of flowers hanged on the walls. It was artsy, cozy and warm.

“Hey Chanyeol! How have you been lately? We haven’t seen each other in while.”

Minseok’s words made Chanyeol chuckle.

“It’s only been two days, Minseok.”

“Still! It feels like weeks!”

No matter how much of a handful Chanyeol was, the older man never ceased to smile radiantly and to support him. He had a heart of gold and he knew the right words someone needed to hear.

“As usual, I have been a complete mess.”

While sipping his coffee, Minseok observed his friend’s expression and went straight to the point.

“So, what is bothering you so much?”

Chanyeol thought he was prepared for his discussion session with the older, but he found himself shaking, nervous about revealing his hidden thoughts. There goes his plan of extending their chitchat for as long as possible.

“It’s fine, Chan. You know I won’t judge you or anything. You can start when you are ready,” he said with a warm smile.

Remembering the main subject of his torments while hearing his nickname, even though it was quite hard to forget in the first place, especially after the heated dream he had -he mentally slapped himself for even thinking about it again- Chanyeol put his coffee on the table and took a deep breath, getting ready to spill everything and to get it done for once and for all.

“I…Fuck, I don’t know where to start.”

The guitarist messily played with his curly hair and reflected, trying to control his heart from beating so frantically. At the other side of the table, Minseok looked at him silently, waiting patiently for the other man to organize his thoughts. He knew that it was an important step for him. Chanyeol sighed and decided to dive directly into the subject, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to escape it anyway.

“You know I returned to work two weeks ago, right?”

His friend nodded.

“Well…The day before I resumed my shifts at the bar again, I met Baekhyun. In fact, he found me and confronted me.”

He paused for a while, getting more and more nervous, fidgeting with his coffee resting on the table.

“He told me that he was tired of me avoiding him and that I should man up and face reality…And he also confessed to me.”

His voice kept shrinking with each syllable, but Minseok seemed to have caught everything, his gaze fixated on Chanyeol and unnerving him even more.

“And what did you say?” Minseok calmly asked.

Chanyeol gulped, suddenly feeling guilty.

“I just…Nothing much. I let him go…And we’ve been ignoring each other at the bar ever since that day. Fuck, I messed up real bad.”

The guitarist looked outside briefly, sighing loudly again, exasperated.

“It is killing me, Minseok. I feel like such an asshole! He has been so nice and kind to me even though I have been acting selfishly, yet he still gives me another chance and is waiting for me to collect my shit together.”

“What do you want to do, then? Have you decided?”

Chanyeol laughed bitterly, “If I would have known what I wanted to do, I would have done it long ago. For fuck’s sake, I’ve been completely at loss for weeks. Two fucking weeks! And I still have no fucking clue about how to deal with the damn feelings and thoughts eating me alive! And those dreams that keep haunting me at that…”

“Dreams? What kind of dreams?”

Minseok raised an eyebrow and Chanyeol instantly reddened, regretting spilling it out.

“That is something you’d rather not know about,” he brushed aside under Minseok’s knowing stare before taking another sip of his coffee.

“Do you like him?”

Chanyeol almost spit his drink after hearing his question, thrown into a coughing fit while he was looking at him with wide eyes and wiping the liquid that spilled on his chin.

“I knew it.”

Minseok was smiling widely, almost proud to have figured him out so easily. Chanyeol blushed and averted his eyes.

“I…Yes. I do like him.”

It was the first time that he admitted it loudly. It felt great.

“In fact, I don’t like him. I think I love him already. I only realised recently that I have been for quite a while actually, if not since the day I met him.”

Minseok seemed pleased by his answer, pinching Chanyeol's cheeks playfully and earning him a slap from the younger man.

“Our Chanyeol is falling in love! That’s so cute!”

“Stop it!”

He then hit his friend another time, harder than the last, too embarrassed and his cheeks only getting redder by the second.

“So what are you waiting for? Confess to him already! Just go and kiss him senseless! Knock on his door and kiss him before he can even say a word!”

“I can’t do that, Minseok! I am scared!”

“Why?”

“I have so many things to take care of within myself, so many flaws and shit I need to get rid of in order to even deserve someone like him in my life. I am not ready for this. How can I love someone else when I don’t even love myself? He doesn’t know my past and I will only end up hurting him. I bet he would be disgusted if he knew everything I have done.”

Minseok put his coffee down and looked straight into the other musician’s eyes.

“Chan, Baekhyun is not the kind of person to judge other people. And if you wait until you love yourself before being into a romantic relationship, you will never go out with anyone before reaching a hundred years old. One can’t learn how to love himself after just a year or two. And I am sure that Baekhyun can help you with that. Your friends are there to help you, but Baekhyun is there too. And I am sure that you will regret letting your chance of having a relationship with him slip by if you go against it now.”

His words rendered Chanyeol speechless. For the next couple of minutes, both of them kept silent, each one thinking about their previous exchange cautiously. It was snowing outside, snowflakes falling gently on the window next to the two men and plunging Chanyeol into his deep thoughts. Minseok was right and he knew it. Every word hit him so hard and it was because Chanyeol couldn’t deny any of them. Actually, he wanted nothing more than to be with Baekhyun. And it was going beyond any physical attraction or need. Now that he was thinking about it, everything became clearer. The moment he laid eyes on Baekhyun, a spell was cast on him and there was nothing he could do against it as it kept growing every day, blooming into something more than mere first impressions; he was in love with Baekhyun and he couldn’t escape it.

“You are right. You are absolutely right. I can’t believe I didn’t think about any of that before.”

Minseok smiled once more, happy about his statement.

“So, what are you going to do now?”

“I don’t know…I guess I have to talk to him. He definitely won’t take the first step. I am only noticing now that he has always been the one to do so. It’s my turn.”

“And when are you going to do it?”

“Does it have to be so soon?”

Minseok sighed, exasperated.

“Chanyeol! He's been waiting for you to clear whatever you have to for two weeks! Just knock on his door and talk to him!”

“But what if-“

“There is no ‘what if’ that is working here. Don’t let your insecurities dictate your actions. You have done this for way too long and Baekhyun is asking for you to stop dwelling so much. He clearly told you that he likes you, so just let your walls down and make him understand that you want to change, that you will change. Show him that you trust him and open your heart just like you did with me right now. You can do it, Chanyeol.”

Somehow, Minseok’s words gave him courage. It was by far the hardest thing he had to face in his life until now, but he had been hesitating and losing way too much time. It’s been already two weeks since they last talked and only being able to watch him and to have those dreams drove him insane. He was debating with himself and he let his securities control him all of his life. He was tired of it. He had to do something. And he would do it tonight.

 

 

[Kenny Burrell - Just A Sittin' And A Rockin'](https://youtu.be/wFK6p3zTnPo)


	11. Chapter X

Baekhyun only realised how deep his feelings were for Chanyeol during the two weeks they ignored each other, or rather how much his feelings had evolved through the past months in his company, only seeing now how much he treasured him. It only kept getting clearer each day. While it was hurtful when his love interest was nowhere to be seen, it was even more painful when they actually saw each other but that neither of them spoke a word or even shared glances.

At least, they stole glances secretly while the other was distracted. Chanyeol was far from being discreet, whatsoever, so his gaze was always evident, to the point of feeling his stare almost piercing his back, but Baekhyun wasn’t holding back either. He also looked at him at every occasion he could, the only difference being that he was far more subtle than the other man. Whenever their eyes would accidentally meet, it was extremely awkward and it merely took a second for them to look elsewhere. This scenario was starting to be annoyingly too recurrent and it was torturing Baekhyun, especially since he knew that he couldn’t do or say anything.

He was starting to regret throwing a tantrum at Chanyeol. Even though he knew nothing about his struggles, he had a feeling that his wounds were quite deep and that it wouldn’t take only a few days for Chanyeol to build up some courage and to talk to him first. Baekhyun was patient, but it was pure torture and he was starting to seriously question his impulsive reaction. Baekhyun was never one to make such sudden decisions and to let his emotions get the best of him, but he was so helpless at that time that he had to let everything out. He felt extremely guilty and regretful ever since that fateful meeting. Not only his certainty about the possibility of Chanyeol returning his feelings kept decreasing with each passing day, but he was also blaming himself for making Chanyeol confront his inner demons while he was aware that he was broken and far from being ready to do so, wondering if it was selfish of him to impose such a burden on him. But those old memories about his past self were too painful to handle, especially when Chanyeol was reminding him of it too much.

And ever since they stopped talking to each other, his performances were unsatisfying, the stress brought by his current situation with Chanyeol affecting him unhealthily and to great proportions. Not only he was always distracted, especially when he could feel Chanyeol’s burning gaze on him, even wondering at times if he was imagining it, but his members also noticed that something was wrong with him. He wouldn’t improvise his solos for as long as he used to, he wouldn’t talk as much as usual either and as his friends liked to remind him, he was like an open book and couldn’t hide his agitated nerves. Their recording and practice sessions were also awkward; Baekhyun was always lost somewhere in his thoughts and he barely voiced his thoughts out. His friends were worried about him and they knew that it concerned Chanyeol.

When said man showed up for the first time after their encounter, everyone was astonished. He was beaten up badly and they were not expecting it. They didn’t dare ask any questions since they knew that he would probably blow up, but they were too concerned about Baekhyun to let him get away without explaining the strange situation to them. They asked Baekhyun a few questions and made him spill out the reasons why both he and Chanyeol were acting out of character. It wasn’t so surprising coming from the red hair man, but considering the fact that he had made progress, it was strange. Baekhyun told them about their meeting in the bar as well as their quarrel and the ultimatum he imposed on the guitarist. His friends were all stunned by Baekhyun’s behaviour towards Chanyeol. They had seen him in his worst periods, but never once Baekhyun did something similar to someone else. They understood quickly the seriousness of the situation involving the two men and supported Baekhyun as much as they could.

Baekhyun felt lucky to have such great friends. They did everything in their power to make him feel better and to ease the weight on his shoulders. They had always been there for him and he cherished their friendship even more after seeing how caring and protective they were towards him. They were also kind enough to understand his feelings regarding Chanyeol, Baekhyun having revealed his discovery about his own sexuality. His friends questioned him about it and accepted it rather quickly and naturally when they saw the extent of Baekhyun’s feelings. He also explained the way he felt whenever he saw Chanyeol and interacted with him, the nature of his feelings that were blooming more and more into a genuine kind of love and care, and while Jongdae was itching to shake the other man up and give him a piece of his mind, he followed Baekhyun’s wishes and left the stubborn man alone to figure his things out. He knew that it was important for his friend and Baekhyun was very thankful for their understanding and compassion, especially for not being weirded out by his confession of holding such feelings towards another man. He had never doubted his friends, his trust being of a great level, but there was always a fear of being looked down upon or even of rejection. Fortunately, his friends weren’t disturbed by it one bit.

Now, they were all sitting at a table of the empty bar that was ready to close its doors. Junmyeon was at the back with Sehun, washing the last glasses and plates while humming the melody of ‘Take Five’, one of the songs the band played that night and that was a classic, a song the audience would always enjoy a lot. Chanyeol had a day off and didn’t show up, so they were by themselves and could openly talk about the issue without restrain. For once, Baekhyun was actually relieved to not see him on a day he was performing.

“Did Chanyeol make a move already?” Jongin asked.

“No, he didn’t,” Baekhyun smiled in an attempt to appease his friends, but they didn’t buy it.

“When will he do something? I am tired of waiting. He deserves to have a slap on his pitiful face to wake him up,” Jongdae exclaimed impatiently.

“Dae, we already talked about this.”

He knew that Baekhyun was right but he couldn’t stand seeing him so sad for longer. Chanyeol was taking his sweet time while Baekhyun was feeling bad on his side. He couldn’t just stand still and watch anymore.

“Let them solve this by themselves, Dae. It’s not our place to get involved and meddle with their problems.”

Kyungsoo, as usual, had a point. They would only worsen the two men’s situation by butting in. It wasn’t their business. Baekhyun looked at him, overwhelmed by the immense pressure and regret draining him to the core, and offered him a small smile while realising how amazing his friends were, a smile that was returned warmly. Baekhyun abruptly got up from his chair only to circle his arms around Kyungsoo's frame from behind, hugging him tightly and hiding his face in his nape in an attempt to hide the tears that were threatening to spill at the amount of emotions taking over him, something he knew the other wouldn’t appreciate, but not minding it as he was simply incredibly grateful to have his dear friends in his life, supporting him and bearing with his unusual behaviour for the past weeks.

While Kyungsoo was trying to make Baekhyun loosen his grip on him, which only made him squeeze harder and chuckle as he was fighting against the tears still dangerously welling in his eyes, Junmyeon and Sehun joined them and got ready to leave, asking them to wear their coats in order to lock the doors and have the sleep they all needed. Kyungsoo stopped struggling against Baekhyun’s grip when he felt a few hot tears wetting his nape, understanding why Baekhyun was being so insistent on hugging him, and opted for patting his head instead and massaging his hands that were tightly secured around him, the others not noticing their exchange. They stayed in this position for a short moment, Baekhyun crying softly and silently clinging to Kyungsoo as they shared some warmth while their friends were chatting animatedly. He was probably only succumbing to the insane amount of stress piling up and crushing him, but he felt truly blessed at that moment, fully aware and valuing the fact he had met such formidable people in his life. It was priceless; they were priceless.

When Baekhyun eventually gained his composure back, Kyungsoo got up, the other man following his movement, and murmured a few soothing words while Baekhyun sniffled and detached himself from him before wiping his eyes and wore his coat in his friend’s company. When they all exited the bar and closed it, the two friends shared a meaningful and knowing smile before Yixing hopped in his car with Kyungsoo and Jongdae. As for the remaining men, Junmyeon, Jongin, Sehun and Baekhyun walked together for a while, the owner and the pianist soon leaving them to reach the nearby subway station.

It was almost a ritual for Baekhyun and Sehun to walk home together, since the two of them lived close to each other, and they would always appreciate the short walk in each other’s company to talk about various things. Sehun was a great listener and gave wise advices so they would confide and converse about their thoughts most of the time. And that’s exactly what they did.

“You know, Baek, I have known Chanyeol for around two years now. I am also aware of how much you are blaming yourself for imposing such a burden on his shoulders, but I think that you did nothing wrong. He is a very impulsive person in general, but when it comes to positive emotions and situations, he has no clue about how to deal with it. And he definitely cares for you. That’s why he is having such a hard time getting around and taking decisions. He doesn’t know how to do it in another way and if he would have considered it as something irrelevant, he wouldn’t be so confused right now.”

Baekhyun was listening carefully to Sehun’s words as he was still a little bit shaken by his overwhelming feelings towards his precious friends, the younger's voice accompanied by the squeaking noises of their feet when coming in contact with the snow, each of their steps leaving footprints behind on the deserted and small roads. Baekhyun enjoyed the sound of it as well as the sensation of the late night snow falling on his bare skin. No matter how cold it could be, winter was always the season he preferred.

“I am actually glad that you are pushing him to change, Baek. It’s about time he tidies his life and meets the right people for him. Minseok and I have been by his side for quite some time now, but he needs more than that, and I think that you are pulling him out of his hole in a way we wouldn’t be able to do as well.”

The next few minutes they walked together were quiet, Baekhyun processing his friend’s words and Sehun silently reflecting about Chanyeol. They were both concerned about him and only wanted the best outcome for him.

“Speaking about the devil…”

As soon as Sehun pronounced those words, Baekhyun raised his head and spotted a familiar red hair man at his doorstep. The trumpeter froze for a moment, eyes wide. Sehun patted his shoulder and took a turn on another empty street while winking at him and giving him a thumbs up, a wide smile dancing on his lips as he was visibly happy.

It took Baekhyun a few minutes to start walking again. But before doing so, he observed the man he held deep feelings for that was standing in front of him, Baekhyun’s body already trembling from the wave of emotions crashing onto him at the sight of the man he dearly missed, a few steps separating them. Chanyeol seemed to be cold, only wearing a cheap coat. His hands were stuffed in his pockets, arms slightly shaking and legs moving around, fidgeting, probably out of nervousness and the chilly weather. He didn’t know for how long Chanyeol had been waiting for him, but it was certainly a while. His hair was covered in snow and he was looking at his wrist watch often. He seemed impatient.

Baekhyun then joined him, taking his time, listening to the sounds of his footsteps and his heartbeat that was pounding loudly in his ears, his body having long forgotten the cold as it was immersed in warmth, blood wildly pumping in his veins at the amount of sensations emerging within him. He was as nervous as when he had ambushed him. The closer he got, the clearer Chanyeol’s features were; eyelashes white from the cold and the snow, lips having a faint tint of purple and his eyes were ones of a lost puppy yet they had a little spark. He was happy about that. It had been a while since he had seen life in his gaze, especially involving other expressions than fear and doubt.

When he finally reached him, Chanyeol locking eyes with Baekhyun as soon as he registered the sounds of his footsteps against the snow that covered the ground, they stared at each other for a while, gazes piercing and not knowing how to act or what to say, standing still while neither of them attempted to do the first step. He noticed that Chanyeol’s eyes were flicking from his lips to his eyes a couple of times, but he didn’t say a word and didn’t move either. Baekhyun was starting to feel very uncomfortable under his stare and his presence alone and the discomfort only increased at each passing second, his blood rushing in his veins with the same intensity as when he saw him at the doorstep. They hadn’t shared a single word for two weeks and he found himself at a loss of words now that the opportunity to finally do so was in his hands. He had no clue what the other man was thinking about and it made him quite anxious.

Would he reject him? Would the past weeks under constant doubts and worries be resolved with a short and simple ‘I’m sorry’? Or would Chanyeol react in the opposite way? He was already unpredictable in his usual state of mind, Baekhyun had no idea what to expect from him. Before asking himself too many pointless questions and breaking under the pressure, he took his keys out of his pockets with slightly shaky hands, managed to unlock the door of the apartment complex and open it widely.

“Would you like to come in?”

The words coming out of his mouth were strained, caught in his throat, and he coughed lightly while trying to regulate his breathing and hoping he didn’t look too much like a fool. Chanyeol responded by following Baekhyun inside. When they reached his apartment, Baekhyun entered the code that secured his front door and motioned for him to get in, which he did without hesitation. They both removed their boots as well as their coats and proceeded to enter the living room that was by the door, the tension so high it could be cut with a knife. They warmed up quickly, thanks to the heater, and soon enough, Chanyeol’s face was taking its initial colours.

However, Chanyeol didn’t even take the time to look around his home. He took Baekhyun in his arms and engulfed him in a tight embrace, breaking the insufferable tension that had been accumulating for the past weeks. He could feel Chanyeol’s heartbeat against his chest, matching his that was going wild. He was surprised at first, not knowing how to react to the sudden closeness and their first contact of this nature, but he decided to enjoy the loving gesture and circled his arms around the other man’s waist while resting his head on his shoulder, his body calming down as Chanyeol was holding him back, inhaling his scent and tightening his hold. Chanyeol was still a little bit cold, but it didn’t take him long to warm up in Baekhyun’s arms. Both of them stayed in this position, standing in the middle of the living room and comforting their wounded souls. They felt at peace, finally being able to reunite after a period of time that was too long and painful.

“Baek, I am sorry.”

It was a whisper, a very quiet breath, but full of emotions. The three words, ‘I am sorry’, held a meaning Baekhyun was relieved about; they were not words of farewell, but rather of regret and reconciliation. Baekhyun started to rub circles on Chanyeol’s back with his hands, feeling the muscles of the broad back under his fingertips through the fabric of the clothes, sighing and easing the weight off his shoulders with each caress. He could feel the man’s tears falling on the back of his neck, but he let him be. It was obvious that they wouldn’t be able to settle things without letting a few sobs out. They were both tired and had too much bottled up, the past weeks too intense for the both of them.

“I am so sorry for being such a coward, for avoiding you for so long and for taking so much time before seeing you while I knew perfectly well how you felt towards me. I don’t know what you find likeable in me, honestly.”

He sniffled a little bit and continued, “I apologize for everything. And I hope that you will be able to forgive my shitty personality and actions because if you don’t, I have no idea what I will do. I- I feel the same way as you.”

Baekhyun removed his arms from Chanyeol’s back and did the same thing as the first time he saw him cry; he bumped their foreheads together and wiped the guitarist’s tears, the action loving and tender. He was also crying himself, but he was happy and relieved. He couldn’t hide the huge smile on his face. It was like the weight crushing him for the past weeks fell with the other man’s words, liberating him from the insane amount of guilt that was eating him alive and giving him a breath of fresh air, like he was surfacing out of the water and letting his lungs breathe freely for the first time. At that moment, he fully acknowledged how much Chanyeol meant to him. There was no going back anymore; it had taken him a while to fall for him, but Chanyeol already had a strong hold on him and he was in too deep. Actually, it might have always been the case, him being oblivious to the real nature of his concern towards the man. He didn’t know when his feelings for Chanyeol turned from friendship to romantic love, but now there was no denying it; he loved Chanyeol. No matter how tense Baekhyun had been, everything vanished as soon as the man held him. But most importantly, more meaningful than his own feelings or his deepest wishes, Chanyeol was taking the first step towards healing. And he was proud of him. It was more important than grudges and past mistakes.

“The past weeks were a nightmare, honestly,” Baekhyun sniffled and laughed while Chanyeol looked him straight into the eyes, hands stroking his back warmly and reassuringly. “Do you know how agonizing it was for me to wait without saying a word? To watch you being so helpless? I was seriously regretting cornering you.”

“And I’m so sorry, Baek. I swear, it was as hard for me. It was unbearable. Fuck.”

Chanyeol’s hand cupped his cheek while the other was secured on his lower back, eyes closed and their faces merely an inch apart from each other, breath fanning against Baekhyun’s skin.

“But how can I resent you? Of course I forgive you. I said I would wait for you. This past month has been very hard to deal with, but I understand you. I know that what you are going through is worse than I can imagine. And I also know that you are a good person and definitely a softie.”

Chanyeol hit him gently and let a laugh escape his lips, a sound that made Baekhyun shiver from how deep and genuine it was. He had been longing to hear him like this for so long.

“You said that you feel the same way as me? Is that true? Or am I hallucinating because I’ve been wanting to hear it for too long?”

Chanyeol smiled widely and kissed Baekhyun’s nose, tickling him with the soft touch of his lips. Baekhyun closed his eyes shortly before opening them again, gazing into Chanyeol’s eyes that were so expressive, so beautiful.

“I’ve never been so sincere in my entire life. With you and with myself. I can’t thank you enough for everything you have done for me. I needed the past weeks more than you can imagine.”

Baekhyun held him tighter and sighed in relief when Chanyeol’s mouth hovered over his cheek before hesitantly pecking it, making Baekhyun tremble, this kind of affection from him still foreign, but very pleasant. They then stared into each other’s eyes again, Chanyeol’s sparkling while Baekhyun’s eyes flicked towards his lips for a brief moment. He found himself craving for his lips to come in contact with Chanyeol’s, but before he could even think about satisfying his desire, the tall man released his hold on Baekhyun, stroking his arms instead while taking a step back, looking seriously into his eyes.

“Baek, I think you should know the whole truth about me. I can’t keep it from you any longer.”

The sudden change in Chanyeol’s tone of voice surprised him but after all, he was an unpredictable man. And he was more than ready to hear him confess his worries and his past.

“Let’s sit down in my room, it will be more comfortable.”

Without speaking any other word, the red hair man followed Baekhyun into his small bedroom and sat on his bed, letting his back rest on the pillows against the headrest. Baekhyun sat in front of him, crossed legged, and waited.

His questions and curiosity would finally be answered. He couldn’t wait to hear Chanyeol’s full story.

 

 

[Dave Brubeck - Take Five](https://youtu.be/vmDDOFXSgAs)


	12. Chapter XI (Part I)

Chanyeol had no idea what pushed him to be so forward with Baekhyun, but now that he was sitting on said man’s bed, the latter sitting right in front of him, he was more nervous than he had ever been before. Even his first public performance was not as nerve wracking. He was determined to tell him absolutely everything, thanks to Minseok’s advice and his desire to build trust with the man he loved, but now that he was about to do it, he couldn’t help but be conquered by his old habit of running away. He had to change, he knew it. There was no escaping anymore, he was caught in a dead end. But it was so hard, so fucking hard. His old and comfortable habits were already deeply carved in him, but Baekhyun had purposely showed him a new and unknown door; one that was scary as hell and that he had avoided all of his life, avoided to cross because it scared him shitless, but that would undoubtedly bring him close to the person he had always wished to be and also possibly closer to and able to reach one of the most important people to him. His first step to achieve it would be to fully open up to Baekhyun and now that he was sitting on his bed, face to face with him, it was his chance to open the door and take a new direction. No one else could do it for him.

While it felt good to share his thoughts and worries with his older friend, Baekhyun was an entirely different case. Minseok and Sehun were his dear friends and he liked them more than anyone else, but it wasn’t the same with the trumpeter. The nature of his feelings were deeper and frightening. He was even more scared to be judged and to be seen as a worthless man, one Baekhyun would regret meeting or having to deal with. After all, who wouldn’t? Even Chanyeol could barely stand himself at times. He was scared that Baekhyun would get scared and abandon him like so many other people did. He was afraid that someone he truly cared about would let him down after making many efforts to change. He was afraid to be wronged by the one person he loved.

As if he was sensing his doubts, Baekhyun smiled at him confidently, almost playfully, “Chan, are you making up impossible scenarios about me kicking you out?”

His question startled him, especially since he saw right through him. Baekhyun chuckled, his teeth showing and the sides of his mouth crinkling. He was cute.

“You should know by now that I won’t judge you. I won’t kick you out and I will not interrupt you either. Take your time. I am a patient man; I can stay here like this until 6am if necessary.”

He then smiled fondly, looking at him straight in the eyes. It reminded him of his many dreams they had spent together by entirely conversing with their gazes. But now it was real; Baekhyun was really in front of him and he was telling him that he could trust him. Funny coincidence that Baekhyun’s room was white as well.

Reassured, even just a little bit, he took the opportunity to take the small amount of courage he was able to get from his kind words. He messed with his curly hair for a second and sat straight.

“I don’t know where to start…”

There were so many things to say, so many secrets he had to spill that he had no idea how he would do it. And since he had never talked openly about them before, his two friends finding out the pieces of the puzzle by coincidence at the most unfortunate times for him, he was at loss.

“You could start with when you were a kid. Starting from the very beginning would also help me to easier understand how everything happened and to understand you better. And I can’t hide the fact that I am also very curious about your childhood. Or just you in general.”

This caught him off guard and Baekhyun’s genuine grin and soft features as he was gazing at him made his heart skip a beat. What did he do to have such a precious person to care for him? Now he was even firmer with his decision; it was time for him to end his game of hide and seek that kept extending for far too long. And what Baekhyun suggested seemed right and logical. Starting from the source of the problems, the very beginning of what lead him to the person he was today, would be the best way to reveal everything he was denying and didn’t dare say out loud until now. With this in mind, Chanyeol cleared his throat, scratched his head and finally started his storytelling.

“Okay…So…I come from a wealthy family. Typical, I know. It doesn’t look like it, but I grew up in a very clean environment; rich parents, huge house, private school and everything else you can imagine.”

The words rolling off his tongued were a little bit shaky, clumsy even, and he gauged Baekhyun’s reaction at the frank start, but was encouraged to keep going with the serene and interested gaze from him.

“My parents were not so strict, but they insisted for me to have manners and to follow their footsteps. At first, I did everything that they expected me to do; I had good grades, friends from the neighbouring rich families around our house and an impeccable behaviour. It lasted until I went to high school.”

Baekhyun was listening closely, interested and curious. Chanyeol fiddled with his fingers, sweat slightly covering them, and continued.

“When I was around twelve years old, my parents sent me to a public school. They were against it at first, because of course, they wouldn’t want their son to have an education other than an elitist one since I was supposed to follow their footsteps and that going to a private school until I would go to university would be the best option, but my grandparents thought that a change of scenery would be good for me, that having an open mind concerning the world through a different experience would be beneficial for me and my future career. My parents were not seduced by the idea, but my grandparents managed to convince them against their own will. As a result, I was immersed into a completely different environment, one full of more normal people, if I can say it like that.”

He took a short break, thinking about his past. It had been a while since he reflected about this time of his life. He almost felt nostalgic. Almost.

“I felt like an outcast there. None of my friends attended a public school, I was thrown out there by myself, clueless, and I couldn’t relate to the normal students either.”

“Wait, sorry to interrupt you, but what do you mean by ‘normal’?”

“Oh, I mean it in the way that none of them had filthy rich parents. They were less uptight. How can I explain it?”

Chanyeol wasn’t sure about how he could express his impression of his classmates at that time. He stared at the wall in front on him, trying to think of a way to explain his statement.

“They were, well… Good kids in general, I guess. I didn’t really talk to them to know, but some of them were more daring, mischievous, just... Normal? Although most of them were very serious and obeyed the rules and all. After all, Korea is Korea. And I don’t mean that rich kids aren’t normal either, but more that they grow up differently, even if it still depends. Fuck, I really don’t know how to explain it without sounding like an ass.”

Baekhyun laughed, amused by his choice of words.

“Wait, let me try again… Okay, so in other words, the only people I was in contact with before attending the public school were brought up in a very easy environment, just like mine. I am not saying that life was easy for them, I know very well what growing up with filthy rich parents who have high expectations and keep projecting their ideal on you feels like. Trust me, it’s not as beautiful as they put it on TV and movies, although it was comfortable for me at first. I just obeyed them and lived my life without asking too many questions, I didn’t mind it at that time and I was happy that I could make my parents proud of me in this way. Anyway, I am straying… Ah, right, I was saying, I mean, it’s more that they always had everything right next to them, you know? The typical scenario we see in movies. They were children that were born with silver spoons in their hands. Damn, this sounds wrong, how can I explain it?”

“It’s fine, I understand what you mean. The ‘normal’ kids were just...Well, more normal than you, entirely different than you in their behaviours, manners and even family-wise? So it felt out of place and weird, like another world, even?”

How come Baekhyun always found the right words? Chanyeol nodded, a little bit ashamed of himself, but continued nonetheless.

“Yeah… Anyway, I felt like none of them were like me, as if there was something clashing and separating us because the kids in the private school I attended were different in a lot of ways,  but I was very fascinated by their sense of freedom, which was quite different from what I was used to. Or rather the freedom they could have in such a close minded society…”

He stopped for a second, trying to control the feelings of hatred that were slowing resurfacing.

“I met a bunch of guys who liked to listen to rock music when the teachers were not in the classroom and I got interested in it. I was also very inspired by it. They eventually became my friends and they showed me their sneaky ways. They would cheat on tests and annoy the teachers. I was very shy at first and couldn’t understand why they acted this way. After all, it was against everything my parents taught me. And I find their behaviour surprising today, considering the fact that there is so much pressure from schools and parents to perform and always be perfect, to have manners and respect. I guess I am an exception too… But anyway, I was very surprised at first and it even came to a point that I thought that the kind of education and environment I was in before enrolling in that school was superior. I felt really out of place and weird. However, when the guys forced me to follow their actions and to do some bad tricks, I found myself enjoying it a lot. I would take more and more pleasure doing the opposite of everything the teachers told me. It was so fun. It was freeing in some way. I was always watched by my parents, so being out of their sight felt insanely amazing and so fucking relieving.”

Baekhyun was still listening attentively, not flinching even once. On the other hand, Chanyeol started to feel more and more at ease, words almost coming out naturally as he continued to talk about his past.

“It got worse as I got older. When I could finally understand the lyrics in English of the rock songs they introduced me to, it opened my eyes. One of the songs that left a huge impression on me is ‘Anarchy In The UK’ by the Sex Pistols. None of the guys actually knew what it meant; they sucked at school and they didn’t care about the meaning of the songs. They were more into the energy that came from it. But this band and many others, like Rage Against The Machine, just to name a popular one, made me realise that I was being controlled by my parents and many different figures of authority. It made me understand that I wasn’t the real me, but rather the person my parents and society expected, forced me to be.”

He then took a short break, suddenly feeling nostalgic.

“I understood that I was concealed and trapped in my parents’ ideal. They had already predicted my future for me; I was supposed to become a lawyer, to gain a lot of money and to make them proud by being their perfect son and contributing to Korea’s society. But while I didn’t mind it at first, or rather before wanting to explore different things by myself and realising that what I thought were my choices were my family’s, I came to hate this idea with all of my being and I eventually became a trouble maker, seeking attention and doing the exact opposite I was told, defying any authority figure in my way. It was truly fun and freeing.”

Chanyeol chuckled at the memory of some bad and sneaky tricks he had done, still proud to this day about the majority of them. He could even feel the sense of freedom he had during those times, freedom and satisfaction of blowing his teachers, his classmates and his principal off, cursing at them or blatantly ignore them.

“My parents found out about my unruly actions and thinking when they received a call from the school’s principal. But soon enough, I was also disobeying my own parents. I failed all my tests, repeated a few grades and eventually dropped out of school. I was no longer their perfect son.”

After recalling back some bitter moments, his smile faltering, Chanyeol observed Baekhyun’s reaction, suddenly aware of his presence, but there were no signs of repulsion of judgment. He was as warm as ever, which reassured him.

“Soon enough, I reached sixteen years old and started to smoke, not only cigarettes, but all kinds of other things that are best not to mention. I also drank in secret with the same group of friends who introduced me to rock music. I learned guitar and we started a band of our own. We also spent our days in one of the guys’ basement, listening to music and partying, doing everything we could with the goal in mind to upset our parents and to be free. I also ran away from home a couple of times. Sometimes I was so drunk and out of it that I ended up sleeping on the streets. My parents got tired of it and tried to ‘show me the good ways’, as they liked to say. But the more they tried, the more I hated them. It took huge proportions. Who were they to tell me what was right and wrong? Wasn’t I mature enough to make my own decisions? I resented them as much as I resented society in general, the standards and the expectations. In my eyes, they were the embodiment of all the things I couldn’t stand about Korea. I felt so restricted, as if they were strangling me. It was suffocating. I couldn’t take it. And honestly, it hasn’t changed.”

Just talking about it angered him; his teachers’ looks, his parents’ scoldings and disapprovement, the unbearable pressure from basically everyone around him to have perfect scores, to attend the night classes at another school, which he had the greatest pleasure to skip, to study all the time and listen closely to what everyone was asking of him without even wondering for a second how he felt in all of this, what his desires were and what was even his own dream. His opinion, thoughts and feelings were never considered; society’s were. That’s all that mattered and it was still the same. Nothing changed.

Suddenly, Baekhyun got up only to come back a few seconds later with a glass of water and handed it to him. He gladly took it and drank it slowly while trying to calm down, only noticing at that moment that his body was trembling, his face hot from the pure hatred brought back to him. Baekhyun only watched him patiently. It took him a few minutes before continuing, still bitter, but at least a little bit calmer.

“The older I got, the more mischievous I became. A lot of anger and resentment started to build up in me and I became someone who hated everything and everyone. I was seeking for freedom, a way to be myself, but I only fell deeper into desperation and I was completely trapped within myself. I felt like no one understood me, that I was a disappointment in everyone’s eyes. While I enjoyed being rebellious at first, it started to become a need to take all my anger out. Rock, punk and metal were the best way for me to do it, even blues, depending on my mood. Being on the stage and playing my guts out was so liberating. Performing was the only time I would truly feel great, even while I was out of it, because at least I could let all my feelings out and I didn’t give a shit about anything other than expressing myself. Rock was like my salvation, a way for me to be myself when nothing else could. The stage was my home. That’s when I met Yifan, Tao and Luhan. We met at a concert. They were next to me the whole night and they invited me to one of Tao’s party. And let me tell you; it was wild. I did many regretful things at that party and most of the following ones I’d rather not remember. But honestly, I am lucky that I was so stoned most of the time that I actually can’t remember half of it. I asked them to join the band I wanted to have when the one with my friends from high school turned badly, something I always dreamed about since I was a kid. They accepted and we performed a lot of shows. It was our source of income as well as many side jobs I always skipped and ended up losing. It’s not like I cared anyway. Yifan first took me in his home because I cut ties with my family and couldn’t afford having my own apartment, but I managed to find my own little place, the one I have right now. It’s shitty, but it does the trick.

“To put it simply; I got trapped in alcohol, sex, drugs and parties. I was also doing everything so that my parents wouldn’t locate me, but they found me once. I still remember that moment clearly. I was casually walking out of a convenience store on my way home when they ambushed me in an empty alley. They scolded me and gave me a last warning, menacing me that if I didn’t come back home and start to change my manners, they would disown me. I was so mad that I got physically involved with my father. It was ugly. That’s when my parents told me that I was a shame to the family and society and that they wished for me to have the miserable life I deserved.”

Chanyeol stopped for a second, his voice shaking. Baekhyun could only watch and wait for him to continue. He was expecting him to be deeply wounded, but not to have gone through awful events to this extent. After a while and a few tears shed, Chanyeol managed to continue, his voice caught in his throat. He had to finish.

“Not only were my parents leaving me like I was just a piece of shit, but I was also betrayed by the people I thought were my friends all along. I accidently heard them talk about how they were using me to have free drugs and alcohol and to get girls in their bed because I was popular among them. None of them actually hung out with me because they liked me, but rather because I was useful to them. That’s why when Yifan, Tao and Luhan stole my band and ran away, I was out of control. It upset me so much and made me feel all the old resentment that was never solved. It confirmed that I was exactly as my parents said; an atrocious human being that no one would ever love.”

He could see in Baekhyun’s eyes that it hurt him to hear him use these words to describe himself. It made him feel even more miserable.

“But before hearing my ‘friends’ talk behind my back, I met Sehun and Minseok at a gathering my parents forced me to attend one day. They made me visit a university to try to convince me that I should graduate from high school and then attend the university they were making me walk around. Minseok is a music teacher there and when I successfully escaped my parents’ grip during the visit, I went into the music department out of curiosity. But I was left unimpressed since it was only about classical music and jazz. Either way, I still entered the different classrooms and met the two men. Sehun was just passing by and helping Minseok, so he eventually approached me. My attitude made him scoot away, but Minseok gave me his phone number and was very polite even though I was rather harsh and acted like an ass.

“I am not sure why, but I ended up calling him when I was drunk to the point of almost passing out. It was the day my parents confronted me and even though he knew nothing about me, he helped me out and we somehow stayed in contact along with Sehun. He wasn’t so convinced about being friends with me, but he followed Minseok’s example. I won’t get into details, but I ended up relying on them and they tried to help me out whenever I needed it. They made me understand that being a total rebel was not what real freedom was and they also showed me the way towards a healthier lifestyle, as I already told you shortly after we first met.”

Baekhyun nodded, remembering clearly the day he was referring to. They stayed silent for a while, Chanyeol collecting himself while wiping his tears and Baekhyun reflecting about the guitarist’s revelations.

“If you don’t mind, I am curious about a few things.”

Chanyeol nodded, encouraging him to ask his questions.

“What are your thoughts about Korea's society at the moment? Is it still as bad as it used to be?”

“I would say so, yes. I was never able to ease that down. I just despise it so much. I can’t stand the fact that that there is constant pressure about performing and being successful. I really hate taking the bus or the subway, to see all those people looking the same and being unhappy because they were brainwashed, because they were told that not deciding what is good for themselves is right. I hate it strongly. And I don’t envy them at all. Sometimes when I take public transportation, I have no regrets and think that I’d rather stay in my run down apartment and struggle to pay my rent than waking up every morning, working in a fucking office because that’s what I was told to do and die of a depression because of the stupid workload they would impose on me, all the while pretending that I am fine and happy. Fucking bullshit.”

The more Chanyeol thought about all his resentment, the more he felt his whole body tensing, hatred consuming him. He had been living most of his life feeling this way, but after having met Baekhyun and having the slight taste of what happiness could be like, he realised how ugly that feeling was.

“You mentioned seeking freedom a few times and about following what you want to do. What is it exactly? I don’t think I ever heard you say anything about your aspirations until now. What exactly were you looking for while doing all of the things you have done?”

Baekhyun’s question pulled him out of his whirlpool of emotion, directing his attention at him rather than his previous train of thoughts that was taking the reins. He was looking at him, still calm and composed.

“I don’t really know, honestly… At that time, I guess I was just a bratty kid who didn’t like to surrender or follow what I didn’t want to do. And listening to my favourite punk bands at that time fired me up and made me want to scream my lungs out and make my own way. But I think it was mainly triggered by the fact that my parents basically laughed at me when I told them my interest towards music. The only reason I could play guitar is because some guy gave me his old one, probably a brother of a friend at that time, and that I practiced behind my parents’ back. I managed to pay for some classes with the money I either got with some small errands, mostly illegal ones, if you know what I mean, or the jobs I had.”

“So if your parents would have encouraged you, it would have changed everything?”

“Maybe. After all, I get why they made me go to a private school to begin with; the path they had prepared for me was very calculated and I would have probably succeeded by now, and it is probably a kind of education that a lot of people who were going at the public school with me would have envied, having a lot of money can be very convenient. But it wasn’t what I wanted to do; it was their own wishes caused by too many factors directly related to our society and values that didn’t stand with the ones I developed through the years. They encouraged me, or rather forced me to follow a path I hated, not the one I truly wanted. So yes, it would have probably changed a whole lot of things if they would have encouraged me to pursue a music career instead. But anyway, I still had the pleasure of disobeying. I found it freeing. As I told you, I was feeling constricted, and showing them that I didn’t care or that at least I could do what I wanted, unlike them, was empowering in some way. At least that’s how I see it now. But parties, drugs and all that shit only worsened my hatred. How stupid was I to think that it made me forget all of it while it only strengthened it, made me lose even my identity? I only realised later that it just trapped me even more than society could do.”

“And what do you want now?”

Chanyeol chuckled bitterly.

“I have no fucking clue. After losing my band and having an existential crisis the past weeks, I am lost. Right now, the only thing that is clear is that I am tired of running away. Alcohol, drugs and parties won’t solve my issues, and my fears either. I regret hurting myself like this when I deserve better. At least, that’s how you make me feel. I just want to be someone I can be proud of, someone who isn’t solely angry all the time because of a fucking society that makes me feel like I am merely someone who doesn’t fulfill its qualifications. But it’s so fucking hard to face everything, to walk away from what I grew up in, to break my habits and change my ways. It’s so easier to repeat the same mistakes all over again and to stay in my comfort zone. I don’t even know who I am and who I want to be at this point. I just want to be happy, like everyone else. I just don’t know where my happiness is… Probably in music. And you.”

Baekhyun’s cheeks reddened before he brushed his hair nervously. Chanyeol wanted nothing more than to thread his fingers into it.

“There is also something else on my mind… Do you still take drugs?”

“No. I managed to stop. Minseok actually saved me from an overdose once or twice and he convinced me that I had to stop, which I eventually did.”

No matter how unfazed Baekhyun tried to look like, for the first time that night, he was disturbed by this revelation.

“Are you disappointed now?”

He chuckled bitterly, looking down, “You must think I am disgusting or something; hating everyone and being filthy, not managing to do something right and always failing at everything and what everyone asked of me, having taken drugs and not knowing what I want, not knowing how to love myself.”

Baekhyun suddenly got closer to Chanyeol who was desperately trying to avoid his gaze.

“Chan, you are wrong.”

Chanyeol got up from the bed and paced nervously around the room, ignoring Baekhyun, completely lost in his own thoughts.

“Just say it! I am a worthless piece of shit and you don’t want to see me anymore! That you have been lying to me all this time! It’s too good to be true! How can I change when no one is on my side? Maybe I am too hopeful, maybe my fate is to always stay miserable.”

Baekhyun got tired of hearing him say this nonsense and stopped him in his tracks, getting up as well and getting closer to him.

“No matter how much you are trying to convince me that you are a mistake of a human being, an atrocity and a failure, you will never be able to change what I think and feel about you.”

Chanyeol looked at him, stunned.

“If you thought that I would change my mind towards you by telling me all of this, you were greatly mistaken, Chan. I couldn’t care less about the mistakes you have done in the past and I certainly don’t care about what your parents and your past friends said about you. The person I know is not like what they described. The Park Chanyeol that I know is smart, playful, confident, funny and determined to improve. The Park Chanyeol I know has regrets and it is enough to prove that you have a good heart and that you are a good person.”

He got closer to him with each word he pronounced while Chanyeol stood still, unable to move.

“The Park Chanyeol I know right now is one that I hold dear and deep feelings for and that I want to support and help with all of my being. And I will never let you down or deceive you, because I trust you and because I understand you, unlike all those people who made you believe that you are worthless.”

Tears were now flowing freely, wetting Chanyeol’s eyes and cheeks, so many emotions assaulting him at once; his desire to find his real self, but also his natural reflex of refuting this thought and being convinced that he was already himself, worthless and a failure. Never once in his life he had felt like he truly did something right. No matter how much he was seeking freedom and love, it always ended up badly and he was hit ten times harder by its consequences, like a boomerang constantly thrown and following him. He was devastated, disappointed in all the people he had met so far, Minseok and Sehun aside, but also grateful and lucky to have met a man like Baekhyun. He had never met someone like him before; someone so kind and caring, someone who truly wanted the best for him and that was ready to give his all just for his sake. His family and past friends were selfish and didn’t consider his well being even once. Baekhyun was a blessing, a miracle in Chanyeol’s eyes. He made him feel like there wasn’t only bad in him, like he had a place to be, to belong to. And he couldn’t believe that the words Baekhyun used were actually directed at him, describing him, that he genuinely thought and felt this way about him. He didn’t know if Baekhyun was right yet, but he made him want to give it a try. He would be crazy to let him go because of his insecurities.

“What are you doing to me?” Chanyeol asked, overwhelmed and for once, willing to surrender to his repressed desires because of his incessant hatred and past encounters.

Baekhyun only looked at him and smiled while sitting on his bed again. He then patted the spot right in front of him, inviting Chanyeol to join him. It didn’t take long for him to do so. He sat crossed legged, mirroring Baekhyun’s action, and stayed silent once again. Baekhyun scooted closer and wiped his tears while murmuring comforting words, soothing him and convincing him that he would eventually find happiness, thanking him for making so many revelations and reassuring him by saying that he was proud of him, that his fate was not condemned to failure and disappointment.

It was too much for Chanyeol to take, completely powerless in front of such kind gestures, ones he had missed all of his life until now. He cried for a while, showing his deepest weaknesses without any restraint to the man he trusted and loved the most. But Baekhyun never once told him that it was wrong, or that he was wrong, only caressing his face and his arms, offering him his warmth and comfort. When Chanyeol finally calmed down, tears dried, body not shaking anymore and breathe stable, he looked closely at Baekhyun, still sitting in front of him.

He was beautiful. Breathtaking. He loved everything about him; the shape of his lips, his small nose, the shape of his eyebrows, his short and fluffy hair, the way his eyes were getting smaller when he laughed, his arms that were crooked, his short skinny legs, his many expressions he couldn’t hide no matter how hard he tried, his honesty, his caring nature, his soul.

He loved this man dearly.

And he loved him back.

The two entered in a kind of trance, forgetting their surroundings. They were lost in each others’ eyes, mesmerized, just like in Chanyeol’s dreams. The tall man got closer to Baekhyun’s face, watching his lips intently. He was craving for feeling his lips on his for way too long. He couldn’t restrain himself anymore.

Their faces were so close that they could hear and feel each other’s breath like it was their own, foreheads against the other and noses brushing. When their lips finally touched, Chanyeol only pecked him slightly, as if testing the waters and asking for permission, which was granted by Baekhyun’s expression. His eyes were mildly closed and he moved his head forward, asking for more. Understanding his action, Chanyeol pressed his lips against Baekhyun’s for the second time, moving his slowly, feeling the sensation of their mouth coming in contact more fully. His lips were even better, softer than he had imagined them to be. Baekhyun followed his movements and kissed him back, their mouths moving against the other gently, adding more pressure with every movement. Nothing was rushed. They took their time, savouring their first kiss that they were dying for.

Chanyeol then broke the kiss shortly, too overwhelmed by emotions he wasn’t used to feel, emotions that made his chest burst, an explosion of so many sensations, like a current pulling him in all directions, but very pleasantly. He gazed into Baekhyun’s eyes ones again and cupped his cheeks, pulling his face closer, connecting their lips with more confidence. When they kissed again, there was no place for restraint anymore. Chanyeol opened his mouth and coaxed Baekhyun’s lips with his tongue, asking for more. Baekhyun let Chanyeol’s tongue enter his, exploring every inch of it, melting under his touch. Their tongues danced in harmony, their mouths moved skillfully, naturally.

They kissed like this for a while, enjoying it to the fullest, addicted to the sound of their tongues meeting, caressing the other and exploring, loving. Baekhyun grabbed some of Chanyeol’s curly strands, steadying himself with his hold and pulling him even closer to him, deepening the kiss while angling his head and diving deeper. Chanyeol swore his heart would beat out of his chest. When they separated to catch their breaths, Chanyeol bit Baekhyun’s lower lip and tugged at it slightly, completely ravaged by the desire for more. He let a low moan escape his lips, hot breath fanning against the other man’s face, and he looked lustfully into Baekhyun’s eyes who shared the exact same expression. They didn’t dare separate their faces that were touching, hearing their irregular breaths, craving for more touch and for a closer proximity.

Chanyeol directed Baekhyun towards his pillows while kissing chastely his face and slowly lay down on him. He then brushed his hair with affection and proceeded to lock their lips together again, this time with more passion, with fervent desire. He could feel and hear Baekhyun’s loud heartbeat against his chest. He was starting to feel hot, Baekhyun’s mouth too delicious and his desires taking over him.

Kissing someone had never felt so right, so pure. Baekhyun’s loving gestures, his hands hugging his shirt tightly and caressing his cheeks, grabbing his hair, his tongue dancing with his so tenderly and his gaze full of love and appreciation made him feel for the first time in his life that he was at home.

Everything felt right. Everything was perfect.

As they were kissing deeper and more passionately, pulling their bodies flush together continuously, like it was never enough, he felt constricted in his clothes; he wanted Baekhyun to reveal himself to him and to show him how beautiful he was. He wanted to feel his body against his without anything in between, he wanted to show his love to Baekhyun and to make them one. He wanted to let him feel what he felt towards him, the extent of his love. That’s what he would do tonight and he wouldn’t leave a single spot untouched.

 

 

[Chet Baker - Almost Blue](https://youtu.be/z4PKzz81m5c)


	13. [M] Chapter XI (Part II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part of the 11th chapter was written as a separate chapter in case some people who are uncomfortable with smut can skip it if they want to. I wrote it so that it wouldn't directly affect the story if not read, although it does add to it. You could see it as a bonus of some sort. All chapters rated as "[M]" will work in the same way and with the same purpose.

The room was too hot, burning hot, and Chanyeol's passionate kisses were not helping Baekhyun to maintain a decent composure. Both lying on his bed, Chanyeol was kissing him senseless, each flick of his tongue on his making him yearn for more, each touch making his skin burn with want. Their tongues waltzed in an erratic manner, sometimes sweet and soft, other times sensual and alluring, alternating between ravishing licks and harsh sucking.

Baekhyun loved everything about it: the way his lover's tongue caressed his hungrily, the way his chest would move against his own because of his irregular breathing, the way Chanyeol's hands were roaming on his body, hesitating at first, but eventually stroking him with more confidence, encouraged by Baekhyun’s gasps and hands tightening around his neck, Chanyeol taking in all his curves and edges while grazing the skin underneath his clothes, caressing it so sensually, causing sparks with every single touch on his bare skin.

Baekhyun especially yearned for the way his half lidded eyes would gaze at him with so much thirst and affection, like he was desired and loved. He couldn't think straight, completely lost in the feelings Chanyeol's overpowering desires surged him with.

And Baekhyun reciprocated Chanyeol’s actions as strongly, trying desperately to show him how much he wanted him, gripping his curly hair, bringing their faces even closer, so close that no space was left between them, to breathe or even exist separately, and deepening the kiss, earning him a low and deep moan from the tall man, a delicious sound that instantly made Baekhyun's bulge grow more, painfully between his clothed legs and considerably weakened his ability to keep his cool.

Chanyeol stopped their delirious dance by biting Baekhyun's lower lip with a growl, his eyes hooded and clouded with pure lust. He started kissing his cheeks while going down slowly, leaving a scarlet trail across Baekhyun's neck who was still gripping his hair. Chanyeol was panting, his breath, hot, accompanied the movement of his hands that were caressing Baekhyun’s back under his shirt, until they found purchase in unbuttoning it while Chanyeol was sucking the juncture in between Baekhyun’s jaw and neck. A shiver ran down Baekhyun's spine, his toes curling and his hips bucking against his lover's, the aching friction making him quietly gasp. They were only starting but Baekhyun was already in complete bliss, barely hanging by the thin thread that was keeping his sanity at bay.

Baekhyun had never been touched by another man in this way before, and never could he have imagined that the mere feeling of calloused and masculine hands caressing his bare skin could provoke such sensations and deep arousal within him. Chanyeol’s hands were not like his past girlfriends’; slender, small and delicate. They were wide, rough yet gentle and strong. And they sparked a little something more he didn’t feel with his past girlfriends, something so satisfying and enticing. He was surprised at his own desires that were pulling him in like a current, desires he had never felt as intensely during his previous sexual experiences. As Chanyeol kept trailing his hands on his chest, back and sides, Baekhyun felt like his heart would explode, his chest already heaving heavily and his body on fire, leaving him breathless. He was rendered completely powerless and could only quietly groan as Chanyeol touched him with such energy and care that he could feel his emotions through his endless caresses. He felt so incredibly great, and so did his lower region; his erection was hardening considerably, uncomfortably constricted in his clothes that were suffocating.

Not missing the effect he had on the smaller man, Chanyeol sucked harder, occasionally biting and licking the spot only to leave another mark lower, branding him with his lips, marking him as his. Registering the great impact it had on him, he kept diving in until he could feel Baekhyun's hard cock poke at his abdomen through his pants.

Baekhyun felt so hot, drops of sweat were already forming along his exposed chest. After tracing the bone with his tongue, Chanyeol detached his lips from his collarbone and completely removed Baekhyun’s shirt, making sure to caress as much of his skin as he could at the same time, before throwing the piece of cloth randomly on the ground. He sat up, straddling Baekhyun’s lap, and looked down, admiring Baekhyun's chest as if it was a work of art. His skin was inflamed, hot with red splotches all over it and the marks he had left all over his neck and collarbones were actually making it look like a work of art; a cherry blossom tree in full bloom. And it was all his work. Chanyeol groaned at the breathtaking sight and licked his lips, his hands now gripping his lover's sides, storking them lovingly. It was almost as if Chanyeol wanted to feel Baekhyun’s blood that was searing with lust, the adrenaline in his heartbeat, all tucked away under his beautiful, soft skin. Baekhyun felt a blush rise on his cheeks and trembled at the sensation of Chanyeol's fingertips on his sensitive skin, hyperaware of every loving brush and the intensity they held.

"Beautiful. You are so beautiful, Baek," Chanyeol choked out.

Baekhyun’s breathing was heavy and labored as he looked on with glazed eyes, taking in Chanyeol's hungry, deep ones. He wanted more, so much more. He almost let out a whimper when Chanyeol removed his hands from his body, unable to bear the loss of his touch against him, his delicious lips on his skin.

Chanyeol removed his own shirt and Baekhyun savoured the sight of his defined and muscled torso as he brought his hands to roam on his chest, needing to feel the skin under his fingertips. He stroked Chanyeol’s bare torso gently at first, slowly getting a grip on the feeling of his hands on another man’s body, caressing him tentatively, but he quickly warmed up to the unfamiliar feeling and enjoyed it more and more with each one of his strokes, turning less hesitant and getting bolder, not wanting to leave a single spot untouched. He flinched for a second when he reached his abdomen and registered a few faint bruises that were still visible, probably from his fight a few weeks back, but caressed the spots lovingly and allowed his desires to flood him fully again at the reassuring thought that he was healing, not wanting to disrupt their intimate moment. Chanyeol wetted his lips with his tongue, head tilted back and eyes closed, his chest heaving irregularly like Baekhyun’s as he let his hands wander over it, enjoying the sensation of his slightly sweaty fingers exploring his body, burning his skin with more passion than he could bear.

Chanyeol looked into Baekhyun’s eyes, his gaze alone holding so much emotion that Baekhyun’s breath hitched at the intensity. Chanyeol then bent down, mouth hovering over his neck before leaving feathery kisses and locking their lips again in a voluptuous dance, stealing Baekhyun’s last grip on the sanity he was desperately hanging onto and kissing him deeply, tongues coaxing each other with slow licks and bodies molding against each other. Baekhyun’s hands settled on Chanyeol’s broad back, roaming on his skin as he was plunged even deeper into a state of bliss, completely ravaged by the flood of raw desire taking over him, engulfing him like never before.

Chanyeol’s hands wandered lower on Baekhyun’s chest until they reached his ribcage, only to slowly move up and find his nipples, softly circling the buds and massaging them with his thumbs. Baekhyun moaned lowly into their heated kiss as his back arched instantly, breaking the flow of their kiss for a moment. Chanyeol put more pressure on the buds and detached his lips from his lover’s, kissing his jaw instead and gently sucking it, teasing. Baekhyun tried to muffle his moans but could barely manage to hold them back when Chanyeol twisted his nipples harder between his fingers, mouth hovering over his face again and kissing his cheek before biting his earlobe and licking his earshell, pants directly pouring into his ears.

“Baek, am I your first?”

The question was so innocent but Chanyeol’s raspy and low tone made Baekhyun’s cock twitch at the sound alone. He didn’t understand how come he was so insanely turned on at that moment. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t slept with anyone before. He had his own share of experiences. But somehow, his senses were over the roof and he was overly sensitive and receptive to each and every touch of the tall man. The pleasure brought by it was simply alluring.

“I am not a newbie, I tried a few things with my past dates before.”

“No, I mean, am I your first experience with a man?”

Baekhyun was caught by surprise when Chanyeol unexpectedly teased his nipples in a rougher manner, unable to restrain a louder and more forward moan from escaping his lips. He could feel Chanyeol smile against the side of his neck, kissing his skin gently, causing a shiver to run along Baekhyun’s body.

“Yes…” he answered shyly, embarrassed to admit it.

“There’s no point in hiding it. I can feel it through your reactions. You’re so cute.”

Chanyeol then shifted and Baekhyun could feel his erection brushing against his for a second, making him quietly groan and slightly spread his legs automatically. Chanyeol then put more pressure on it, registering the smaller man’s eager and innocent reaction, the latter, unable to keep his voice down even while biting down his lower lip to muffle his moans in embarrassment, an attempt that miserably failed. Chanyeol momentarily stopped teasing and connected their lips again, hungry and barely composed. Baekhyun cooperated without an ounce of hesitation and kissed him back as eagerly, angling his head for better access and deepening the kiss, initiating a delirious dance that made Chanyeol groan lowly and caress his sides possessively. Chanyeol slowly detached their lips and gazed into his eyes, which were clouded with pure lust and desire. Baekhyun mirrored his expression as strongly, pulling their bodies closer to each other, if even possible. Chanyeol then hovered lower before being at the level of his chest, pecking his right nipple, making Baekhyun tremble.

“No need to hide, Baek. Just allow yourself to feel it, simply enjoy it.”

Baekhyun didn’t have time to register his words that Chanyeol was starting to suck the nipple, trapping it between his teeth to tug at it before sucking again, twirling his tongue against it slowly before exerting more pressure, roughly. Baekhyun’s toes curled, his chest heaving more erratically as moans were spilling their way out of his lips uncontrollably. It felt so good, Chanyeol’s warm mouth and tongue felt so incredibly good. But he didn’t stop there; he twisted the other nipple between his fingers as he sucked harder, occasionally groaning when Baekhyun’s bulge would brush against his abdomen. Baekhyun felt so incredibly embarrassed at his reactions; moaning so easily, being so overly sensitive over the smallest actions, his erection already barely bearable. But he had never felt as aroused as this. Being on the receiving end, at the mercy of a man’s caring and hungry touches, the man he loved, was overwhelming.

Chanyeol continued teasing Baekhyun’s nipples for a while until he started leaving numerous love bites on his chest, progressively going upwards as he sucked his skin with passion, moaning when he could feel Baekhyun’s goosebumps rising on his body or when he heard his irregular heartbeat, so loud and noticeable over the sound of their heavy breathing and groans of pleasure. When he reached his neck, he bit his adam’s apple and flicked his tongue in a languish manner over it, tasting the sweat that lulled him into deeper arousal at the feeling of Baekhyun’s vibrating vocal chords against his tongue as he let a deep moan past his lips. Chanyeol was taken aback when he suddenly felt Baekhyun grind against his erection, creating friction that instantly made his craving skyrocket. He didn’t think twice before rubbing his bulge back, pressing their cocks together through the fabric separating them.

Baekhyun’s body was assaulted by all sorts of tingles everywhere when Chanyeol started grinding painfully slowly, his calloused hands stroking his back so sensually he wondered how come he hadn’t come undone yet. It would be utterly humiliating. The maddening friction, the yearning to have his cock touched, to be circled by Chanyeol’s strong hands, the constriction of their remaining clothes he was dying to throw away was all too much to take. Chanyeol seemed to share his feelings since he suddenly unzipped the smaller man’s pants, pulling them down hastily before throwing them on the ground thoughtlessly. He sat up, positioning himself between Baekhyun’s legs, the latter spreading them instinctively, and growled at the sight of his briefs that were already wet with precum, his cock as hard as could be, almost asking, begging to be touched. Chanyeol trailed his hands on his hips, tentatively sliding his hands underneath the piece of cloth, and caressed his skin, dangerously close to his cock. Baekhyun’s heart stopped for a second, gulping, all his senses entirely focused on the spots Chanyeol’s hands were touching, his crotch twitching in anticipation and craving. Chanyeol pulled the underwear down, making Baekhyun’s cock finally spring free. But Chanyeol didn’t touch it yet; he simply looked at it and completely removed the fabric, Baekhyun now stark naked on the bed.

Chanyeol took the time to savour the sight of the man driving him insane in front of him, sprawled on his bed, body entirely covered in a thin layer of sweat, his nipples perked up and bruised, just like his chest and his neck, moving wildly, following the movement of his ragged breathing, love bites adorning his skin, making the already gorgeous man even more alluring, sensuous and insanely attractive, inviting. His crotch was slightly dripping at the tip, his hands were gripping the sheets beneath him, legs spread widely, just for him, asking him to make him feel all sorts of sensations that were foreign to him, to make him his and show him how much he loved him. But most importantly, his eyes were staring right at him, visibly embarrassed but delighted, aroused and strangely caring. At that moment, Chanyeol felt his heart burst, so many emotions attacking him. He loved Baekhyun so madly, no words or actions would ever be able to fully express his feelings.

He felt an inexplicable pull tugging at his heart and soul and did as it commanded. He bent down and locked their lips together, arms caging Baekhyun, setting all his emotions free and kissing him with urgency and vigorous love. Chanyeol took full control, his tongue once again dancing languorously with Baekhyun's, tongues caressing fervently, bodies never close enough. Baekhyun cupped Chanyeol's cheeks, the latter putting more pressure into his lower region before Baekhyun tugged at the pants and started to clumsily unbutton them. It didn’t take long for the piece of cloth to join the rest on the floor, his briefs following soon after. When their cocks, now both freed, grazed together, the couple moaned loudly in each other’s mouth, never leaving each other. The skin to skin contact was absolutely delightful and Chanyeol’s mind went absolutely crazy just at the thought of being linked to his love.

When they broke the kiss, Chanyeol observed Baekhyun's flushed expression; his mouth was parted, he was panting heavily, his hair was a little bit wet with sweat and sticking to his forehead, his lips were swollen and red from the intense kissing sessions. But what struck him the most was his eyes; they were bearing pure affection and desire, love and glee. They were dark with lust but filled with tenderness at the same time. Chanyeol's heart skipped a beat. He brushed Baekhyun's hair away from his face and pecked his forehead.

"I really don't deserve someone like you in my life. You're the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me," he said, breathless.

Baekhyun responded by combing his hair gently and smiling, "I love you so much.”

The words were now said, his confession revealed in the spur of the moment. Baekhyun's eyes widened, realising what he had just spilled out. His heart rate quickened as he started stressing out about how Chanyeol would react to it, wondering if he had ruined the moment. But the other man kissed him, his hands leaving his face to grip his hair, bringing their chests flush against each other. Baekhyun's worries soon faded away when he understood what the kiss meant. Chanyeol poured all his feelings into the kiss, his tongue laving Baekhyun's with slow motions, intoxicating the both of them.

No matter how much his chest was bursting with emotions, Chanyeol couldn’t keep his hands off Baekhyun’s naked body anymore. His lust kept rising at the same pace as their ardent kisses and he wanted Baekhyun so much it hurt, his crotch sharing the same enthusiasm. He broke their kiss, only to position himself again more comfortably between Baekhyun’s legs, who spread them even more. Chanyeol was turning very impatient. He let his hands trail on the length of his legs, warm and soft, seductively, making Baekhyun quiver under his touch, and positioned his face right in front of Baekhyun's cock, that was left untouched this whole time. He started pecking his inner thigh, getting closer and closer to his testicles. He stopped right next to them and sucked the skin on that spot, getting harsher with each kiss on Baekhyun's exposed and alluring skin. Baekhyun moaned loudly, as his cock was leaking, arching his back and spreading his legs further for better access. The wait was absolutely unbearable. Chanyeol marked his thighs, leaving a trail of saliva with his tongue while his hands scratched the back of Baekhyun's legs. Chanyeol detached his lips from the skin and spread Baekhyun’s legs even more, his touch gentle and caring yet urgent. He looked at Baekhyun's crotch hungrily, biting his lower lip.

"Is it alright if I-"

"Just do it," Baekhyun urged, dying for a release, to feel Chanyeol's mouth around his cock that was twitching and dripping just at the thought of it. He was being very needy, probably too much, but he couldn’t care less; he couldn’t care about it anymore, having given up on any logic and composure as soon as Chanyeol had started to kiss him senseless.

Obeying, Chanyeol started by tentatively pecking the tip of his cock, making Baekhyun's breath hitch. He caressed his thighs soothingly and let his tongue come in contact with the tip, tasting his precum and swallowing it. He hummed, satisfied, before giving a few small licks and dragging his tongue over the whole length, from the base to the tip, making Baekhyun tremble and arch his back, before finally enveloping his cock in his warmth, taking it in his wet cavern.

Baekhyun chocked a moan, not prepared for the intensity of the pleasure Chanyeol's skillful tongue would bring to his whole body. His crotch hardened even more, if possible, at the rise of arousal hitting him at once. He closed his eyes, his senses now enhanced and solely directed at Chanyeol's mouth enveloping his dick, sucking the life out of it, the tall man's groans of pleasure creating vibrations in his body that drove him insane. He started sweating even more as his erratic breathing and uncontrollable moans took over. His body melted into the mattress, the mere sensation of Chanyeol’s mouth around his cock sending him to the heavens.

"Oh god, Cha- ahn!" Baekhyun thrust his hips absentmindedly as Chanyeol took his whole length in his mouth, his sanity completely leaving him. He wanted more friction, more pleasure, more of him. As if reading his mind, Chanyeol sucked harder and let his tongue taste every inch of his cock, gripping his hips so hard he was sure it would leave bruises. He bobbed his head up and down while Baekhyun kept thrusting his hips, his crotch hitting the back of the other man's throat. Chanyeol’s neglected dick was rubbing against the mattress, making him groan at the friction which only caused more vibrations around Baekhyun’s dick, making the other man moan loudly in between his ragged pants. Their rhythm accelerated, creating a sensation that made Baekhyun dizzy and caused his entire body to sweat and shake under the intense pleasure. The raw sensations felt so great, so sinful, yet pure. He was already on edge, gripping the sides of the covers around him, his chest moving up and down as he let his orgasm come close.

"Chan, I think I'm- ah! I- I'm close-" Chanyeol stopped blowing his cock as soon as Baekhyun had uttered the words, swallowing deeply and licking his lips. His eyes met with Baekhyun's as he whined from the sudden loss of contact and the fact that he wasn't able to reach his orgasm while he was so close, insanely sexually frustrated, eyes dark with lust. Intense arousal took over the tall man at the erotic and sensual sight alone. Baekhyun was a total wreck, completely ravaged by what was just the start of their passionate night.

"Baek, you're so sexy."

Chanyeol hovered over Baekhyun's body, his hand moving from his lower abdomen to his neck, only to trace his arm and intertwine their fingers, their sweat mixing together. His lips met with his again in an open mouthed kiss while his other hand stroked his own dick, eager. Their kiss was messy, desperate and obscene. Their tongues met, their heavy breathing and unrestrained moans were the only sounds echoing in the room, so lewd and dirty but at the same time so stimulating.

Baekhyun’s eyes, which were closed, shot open when he felt Chanyeol bring their intertwined hands towards their cocks while the latter slowly unlaced their fingers and placed Baekhyun’s hand on the taller man’s length, wrapping his fingers around it before pumping it with his, the strong hand just over his guiding his movements, stroking from the base to the tip slowly, Baekhyun's thumb sometimes circling and exerting pressure over the tip. Chanyeol broke their kiss and sat up, still settled in between his legs, and gazed at him while he spilled moans, eyes half closed. Once they set a rhythm, Chanyeol removed his hand and let Baekhyun pump his cock by himself. Baekhyun took the chance to experiment with his strokes and played with the pace, slowing down before going faster and harder when Chanyeol’s head tilted back, eyes closed shut and mouth hanging open, spilling out Baekhyun’s name and a few curses sensually, his voice laced with pure desire. Baekhyun found himself enjoying his grip around Chanyeol’s dick. It was pleasant, too pleasant; the sensation of his palm sliding along the length, stroking the hard and pulsating cock, feeling the skin, spreading the precum over it and over his fingers, was unbelievably hot and great. He felt the familiar churn in his stomach, knowing fully well that everything was just too much for him. Finding his release was only a matter of seconds at this point. He fought strongly against it all the while, determined to last for as long as possible, but he was so extremely riled up and overwhelmed that it was a miracle he hadn’t come yet.

He completely lost it when Chanyeol pulled their cocks against one another, joining their hands together, and stroked them both at once. It only took two strokes for Baekhyun to have his orgasm, the most exceptional and satisfying one he had had so far. He moaned so loudly he was sure all the neighbours heard him, spilling his sperm on both of their chests as well as Chanyeol’s hand, who spread it along their cocks and continued pumping them while Baekhyun was caught in his high.

At that moment, Baekhyun wasn’t aware of it, but Chanyeol also lost it. Something snapped in him at the sight of Baekhyun’s face when he reached his orgasm, at the sound of his voice, so lewd, obscene and unrestrained, at his whole body clenching and relaxing when he released his semen. It was pure beauty and he felt an unprecedented need to thrust into the man, to fill his hole and let his wild instincts free. But he knew that Baekhyun wasn’t ready for that. He couldn’t ruin the moment and impose his urges on him; he cared too deeply about his well-being and his comfort, no matter how clouded his mind was at that moment, entirely driven by his natural urges, going all the way now wouldn’t be appropriate. Moreover, he had no patience to prepare him. He needed to fuck into something now, the accumulated sexual frustration from both the past weeks and their steamy night too much to bear.

He did the first thing that came to mind; he shifted positions and straddled Baekhyun’s lap, squeezing his lover’s legs together, covered his hands with as much of Baekhyun’s sperm on both of their chests to spread and coat it on his cock, and urgently thrusted it in between Baekhyun’s thighs, holding and securing them around his dick so that Baekhyun wouldn’t spread them. He looked at the latter, his expression still in delight, visibly still not down from his high. Chanyeol growled and thrusted harder, imagining that his cock was in Baekhyun’s hole, wet and tight, hugging his length. He imagined what Baekhyun would feel like, how he would be squirming under him when he would pound into him, when Baekhyun would urge him, commanding him to go faster, when he would moan his name loudly and lovingly, grip his body hovering over him, his hands burning his skin with even more passion, clenching his hole around his dick while reaching his peak. Chanyeol was completely lost in his instincts as he closed his eyes and moaned shamelessly, Baekhyun’s thighs around his dick driving him insane and his imagination running wild.

Baekhyun watched him as he started gaining full conscience, as turned on as ever seeing his lover so worked up, and squeezed his thighs harder with the strength he had left, adding more pressure around Chanyeol’s cock, pounding into it with such force and energy, he couldn’t suppress a groan from escaping his lips. Chanyeol’s eyes shot open as he moaned loudly, looking straight into his eyes.

“Fuck, Baek, do that again.”

He obeyed, squeezing his thighs shut again, Chanyeol’s eyelids closing by themselves, in bliss. They continued like this for a while, Baekhyun admiring the sight of the taller man losing himself against his legs, thrusting so hard his dick brushed against his hole, making Baekhyun groan and imagine how it would feel like to have Chanyeol’s cock filling it. He gulped and trembled at the mere thought of it and the sound of Chanyeol’s deep voice that was drowning in pleasure. If he wasn’t so spent from his orgasm, he would have had another erection instantly. Chanyeol then released his hold on Baekhyun’s thighs, letting Baekhyun tighten them around his dick without his help, and lowered down over the smaller man’s body, his hands next to his sides while he was giving his last few thrusts, pants and moans pouring out of his mouth unevenly as he struggled to keep his pace, very close to the edge. When he reached his peak, he stopped thrusting into his lover’s thighs and positioned himself to release his semen over his chest, flopping down on Baekhyun’s body, breathing heavily and caging him in his arms as he slowly came down from his high.

It took a while before Chanyeol got a hold of himself again, embracing Baekhyun in his arms tightly before kissing him gently, his chest still slightly heaving irregularly against his. They kissed slowly, pouring out their emotions and hugging their naked bodies, Baekhyun’s hands caressing Chanyeol’s curly locks and his shoulders as he was also calmed down while the latter fondled his hips softly, brushing his skin under his fingertips, the sensation causing sparks with each touch.

All of a sudden, Chanyeol’s eyes started to fill with tears, Baekhyun witnessing the process of him tearing up, at a loss. Chanyeol hid his face in the crook of his neck and let his tears flow freely, sobbing as he held Baekhyun’s body tightly. Baekhyun was caught off guard but held him back, caressing his scalp tenderly as he whispered soothing words.

“What’s wrong, Chan?”

Chanyeol’s body was shaking like a leaf as he cried on top of Baekhyun’s body, his sobs uncontrollable. Baekhyun didn’t know what to do and opted for only holding him until he calmed down.

“I don’t know, my eyes won’t stop shedding tears.”

Baekhyun trailed his hands over every part of his body he could, kissing Chanyeol’s temple and feeling the hot tears wetting his skin.

“Baek,” his voice cracked when he stopped hiding in his neck, facing him instead while wiping his tears away. “I can’t believe all of this is true.” He hiccuped for a second while attempting to even his breathing, and Baekhyun smiled and cupped his face. “I can’t believe you love me as much as I do, I can’t believe that you were willing to entrust your body to me like this, to not even hesitate once, to welcome me with open arms into your life like this, effortlessly.”

Glossy eyes were looking straight at him, but Chanyeol’s tears were not like his previous ones; these ones were not the source of any pain, but rather uncontained happiness. Baekhyun couldn’t stop smiling, getting teary eyed as well.

“I never thought that having sex could be this pleasurable and pure, even though we didn’t go all the way. Fuck, I can’t even imagine how it will feel like when we’ll do it fully. It was more than just mere sexual pleasure; we didn’t just fuck and jerk off blindly, it had a meaning, a fucking strong meaning. Baek, it’s the first time I have ever felt like this. I’ve had my share of experiences, but I really don’t understand shit about how the hell you make every single experience so fucking amazing and right, like it’s how everything is supposed to be.”

Baekhyun was taken aback by Chanyeol’s sudden outburst of emotions and couldn’t hide the blush creeping its way to his cheeks. His eyes were sparkling, glowing with so much excitement as he kept talking without stopping. He pulled Chanyeol’s face down and pecked his nose.

“Baekhyun, how can someone like you exist and even want me? How can such a perfect being welcome me with such ease while I can’t do anything right? Do I even deserve you? I love you so fucking madly, I don’t know what I would do without you, I-”

“Chanyeol, I get it, it’s alright. And I am not perfect, far from that.” Baekhyun chuckled at his lover’s sudden outburst and rambling, his honesty and innocence so cute.

“You’re the most perfect being I have ever met and I won’t stop praising you because at this point, you really got me wrapped around your pretty, slender fingers. Shit, Baek, you were fucking amazing and tasty.”

Chanyeol had never been so talkative, another side Baekhyun was discovering and loving as much as the other ones. He let Chanyeol ramble for as long as he felt the need to, pecking his lips in between his monologue and endless praising as Chanyeol was getting carried away, nodding in approval while he was talking endlessly about his thoughts and feelings. He was clumsy with his choice of words, clearly overwhelmed and not able to express himself properly. It was actually quite nice and funny.

When Chanyeol finally calmed down, tears dried and still lying on top of him, he suddenly looked apologetic. “Baek, I am so sorry, I really don’t know what is getting into me. I am just so amazed and overwhelmed. Fuck, I feel like my whole body is bursting from too many emotions at once.”

Baekhyun laughed and brushed it aside. He embraced him and they stayed in each other’s arms for a while, their bodies relaxing and their breathing now even. He knew what their night and the previous weeks meant to him, and his outburst of emotions made a lot of sense now that he was thinking about it. Anyway, Chanyeol had always been one to be unpredictable and filled with countless feelings of all sorts. Everything with him was intense and he liked it this way. He was truly one of a kind, his one of a kind.

But Chanyeol’s previous words kept tormenting him. Baekhyun gazed into Chanyeol’s eyes, feeling bad and guilty as realisation hit him without mercy.

“You said I was perfect and amazing, but I ruined everything, right?”

Chanyeol raised his eyebrows while tucking a strand behind Baekhyun’s ear, “What do you mean?”

“I…”, he averted his eyes, embarrassed to say his thoughts out loud before Chanyeol pecked the corner of his mouth and directed his face towards his, facing it. “This is so embarrassing...I mean, I clearly told you that I have some experience… But I almost came undone… And the way you were pounding against my thighs… I mean, I ruined it. We didn’t even go all the way. I was lame.”

Chanyeol chuckled and pecked his nose repeatedly while hugging him tightly, “You’re so cute, Baek. If anything, I thought it was even more exciting to see you so worked up over the smallest touches.”

Baekhyun blushed considerably, “Don’t say this just to make me feel better.”

“I am not. Having gay sex is totally different, especially since you were on the bottom. It’s totally normal that you were oversensitive and overwhelmed. And honestly, seeing you so worked up over the smallest touches turned me on even more. Believe it or not, that’s by far the most pleasant sexual experience I've had so far,” he trailed his hands downwards before settling them just above Baekhyun’s ass, only to fondle it and grope it, “I actually don’t remember the last time I did this kind of thing while being lucid and sober enough. It was so fucking amazing. And I can’t wait for the moment we’ll have sex together. Fuck, I am already excited just thinking about it.”

Baekhyun chuckled, his eyes crinkling and so bright Chanyeol was convinced he would turn blind at the sight alone. “You’re a thirsty one.”

“You have no idea about the effect you have on me. You really don’t. You’re driving me crazy.”

Chanyeol caressed Baekhyun’s back before cupping his cheeks and locked their lips again in a sweet and short kiss, “And I won’t rush you. We’ll go all the way when you’re be comfortable enough. There are plenty of other ways to pleasure ourselves anyway. I’ve got lots of tricks up my sleeves.”

Chanyeol wiggled his eyebrows in a suggestive manner, making Baekhyun blush and silence him by kissing him tenderly. He couldn’t have asked for anyone better for himself. And he absolutely loved this side of Chanyeol; playful, caring and straight forward.

“I am sorry to break the moment, but I am starting to get a bit uncomfortable with our sperm on my chest.”

Chanyeol hummed, “I am too lazy to get up.” He squeezed Baekhyun in his arms, turning them on their sides, and pulled him closer to his chest.

“Come on, I’ll at least go get a towel to wash us up a little bit.”

Chanyeol whined but let Baekhyun go. He quickly went to the bathroom to fetch two towels, running a little bit of water on them before going back to his bedroom where Chanyeol was lying on his back, his naked body uncovered. Baekhyun suddenly felt self conscious as he approached him, aware of the fact that he was as bare as him. When he reached the bed, strong arms pulled him over the tall man’s body before circling his waist and hugging him. He was acting like a child and Baekhyun couldn’t restrain a chuckle from going past his lips, amused. They eventually cleaned themselves up with the towels before burying themselves under the covers and hugging each other close, chest to chest. Baekhyun drew patterns with his fingertips on Chanyeol’s back, humming softly in contentment.

“So are we officially dating? We are a couple?”

He could feel Chanyeol smiling against his forehead, “You’re so cute. Of course we are! Byun Baekhyun, you are my boyfriend and it will stay that way until you get tired of me. But I dearly hope you won’t, because I am never getting enough of you. If only you knew how much I love you.”

Chanyeol slightly pulled back to look into his eyes, his gaze filled with tenderness and love. Baekhyun could only smile and embrace him tightly. He was unbelievably happy. They spent the next moment in each other’s arms peacefully, sleep slowly lulling them in dreamland.

“Baek?” Chanyeol asked, his voice sleepy.

“Mmmm?”

Chanyeol kissed the top of his head gently, holding him tighter, “Thank you. Really, I can’t thank you enough for everything. For understanding me, accepting me and having such feelings towards me. For the first time in my life, I can genuinely say that I am happy. I am so happy right now. You’re too fucking perfect. How is this possible?”

Baekhyun chuckled, “It is possible. Chan, you’re way more than what you think. You’re the only one who doesn’t see it yet.”

Baekhyun shifted in the bed, tangling their legs together, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Baekhyun. So much.”

Chanyeol breathed in his scent before closing his eyes. The two men fell asleep fast, a smile dancing on their lips and bodies relaxed against the other, as one, two souls having found each other after times of loss, finally united.


	14. Chapter XII

When Baekhyun woke up the next morning, he was in Chanyeol’s arms, tightly hugged around his waist. His strong hands were naturally pulling him against the other man’s body, claiming him as his. Chanyeol was still sleeping soundly, his hot breath tickling his bare skin. Snow was heavily falling outside, but the two love birds were secured in each other’s warmth. Baekhyun was as happy as can be.

After yawning a few times, Baekhyun smiled fondly, the sight of Chanyeol’s unruly hair and beautiful features welcoming him first thing in the morning. Or rather the afternoon, since they slept quite late. Baekhyun took this golden opportunity to study his lover’s features; his face wasn’t bruised anymore and he looked better, much more peaceful than only a day ago. His facial muscles were completely relaxed and he could even see a ghost of a smile on his plumped lips caused by their earlier kissing sessions. While gently caressing his face, Baekhyun let his fingers feel each of the other man’s features so that they would stay imprinted in his memory, almost disbelieving what had happened barely a couple of hours ago. Not only was his face relaxed, but his entire body didn’t have any sign of tension either. It made him happy to know that he was the cause of Chanyeol’s peaceful state.

He had never felt such strong and pure emotions towards someone. Of course, he loved his family and his friends dearly. He also had a few girlfriends in the past that he liked a lot and treasured, but it was different from Chanyeol. He felt an unparalleled bond and connection with him. They both grew up under completely different circumstances, their personalities were opposite too, but he somehow felt like they could understand each other on another level. They had felt it strongly that night, not only with their discussion about Chanyeol’s past and genuine feelings, but also when they finally united their bodies and souls. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly what made his boyfriend so special, but it didn’t matter. He wanted to solely focus on their new relationship as well as their progress. He wanted to love him to the fullest. Chanyeol had proven him that he was ready to receive his affection and Baekhyun couldn’t wait to shower him with love. He deserved it.

While Baekhyun was still caressing Chanyeol’s face, he felt something on his knuckles; the tall man was kissing it, his eyes still closed.

“Good morning, Baek.”

His raspy and low voice made a shiver travel Baekhyun’s spine. The other man’s eyes fluttered open. While looking into his eyes, Chanyeol kissed his knuckles for the second time and tightened the hold of his arms that were still resting around Baekhyun’s waist. He pulled him even closer and tenderly kissed his forehead. Baekhyun’s heart rate quickened, remembering last night’s events, and his whole being completely at his mercy after everything they had been through.

Chanyeol proceeded to kiss Baekhyun’s eyebrows, cheeks, nose, jaw and eventually his lips. It was a chaste kiss, but enough to make him tremble from the pleasant sensation. He could never get enough of Chanyeol’s loving gestures. It felt very different from what he was used to experiencing with him, but it was comfortable, natural. Suddenly, Baekhyun’s stomach rumbled, which made Chanyeol laugh. It was so radiant and pure, Baekhyun fell in love all over again.

“Someone's eager to eat,” Chanyeol said playfully.

His hands were now slowly massaging his bare waist. The butterflies in his stomach were very agitated, making his entire body yearn for more proximity. No matter how hungry he was, and it wasn’t only for food, the last thing he wanted to do was leave Chanyeol’s warm embrace.

But just as he was getting more and more comfortable in his lover’s arms, his cell phone vibrated on his nightstand. Baekhyun groaned, annoyed about their moment being disrupted. Chanyeol was entertained by the sight of a moody and clingy Baekhyun.

“It’s fine, just take it.”

“I don’t want to.”

Chanyeol smiled and kissed his forehead, “Come on, it may be something important.”

Surrendering because of Chanyeol’s sweet intentions, Baekhyun unwillingly turned around and reached for his cell phone. While he was checking his notification, Chanyeol’s hands traveled on his lower abdomen, lips kissing his nape and his hot breath fanning against his skin. His whole body was pressed against the tall man’s. Baekhyun was melting from every touch, making it hard to focus on reading the message he just received. It was from the drummer.

 _From: Yixing_  
_Are you ready? I am waiting in my car at your apartment complex’s door._  
_Just tell me when you’re done._

Baekhyun looked at the time flashing on his phone; 13:26. Baekhyun completely forgot about their appointment. His body stiffened.

“What’s going on?” Chanyeol asked, sensing the change in his posture.

Baekhyun rolled around, now facing his lover, “I was supposed to spend the afternoon at Yixing’s home with the band to listen to our recording. He finished mixing and arranging the pieces, so we agreed on meeting there to evaluate if we would keep it or go for a live recording instead.”

Chanyeol drew circles with his fingers on Baekhyun’s back, never breaking their eye contact.

“Yixing is outside, waiting to pick me up in front the building. We were supposed to meet at 13:30. I have four minutes left. I completely forgot about it.”

Baekhyun was always on time and he was always eager to hang out with his band members, but today he wanted to stay in Chanyeol’s arms. They were addictive.

“What are you waiting for? You have to hurry.”

Even if he said this, he didn’t look too keen on letting Baekhyun go either. They stayed in this position for a while until Baekhyun finally decided that he shouldn’t leave Yixing alone in his car for longer. He replied him back.

 _From: Baekhyun_  
_Sorry, I am late. I am getting ready now._  
_I’ll join you in ten minutes top!_

Baekhyun then got up painfully from his bed, his body sore, untangling his body from Chanyeol’s and headed towards his drawers. Chanyeol whistled lowly, eyebrows lifted and a mischievous smile dancing on his lips. Baekhyun liked this new side his boyfriend was revealing. Noticing that he was exposing his ass and the reason why Chanyeol was whistling at the same time, he was suddenly shy and hurried to put some random underwear on. He ran around his room, struggling to put on his pair of jeans and choosing a shirt that was suitable enough for the cold weather. When he finally chose a shirt and finished buttoning it, he headed for the kitchen and took an apple out of the refrigerator. This would have to be his breakfast.

Soon enough, Chanyeol joined him, only wearing one of his boxers, and Baekhyun did everything in his power to not stare at his muscled body. It was quite a hard task. Chanyeol groaned after yawning and back hugged him groggily, circling his arms around his torso and swaying them gently from left to right, caressing him softly with his fingertips, lovingly scratching a few spots here and there. Baekhyun was delighted by the caring touches and pressed his back against Chanyeol’s bare chest, getting side tracked for a moment. Chanyeol was especially clingy, but he thoroughly enjoyed it, even though it was still completely new to him. Aside from their previous night, he had never initiated or experienced such gestures of this nature with another man, but he was warming up to it easily and effortlessly. And it had been a while since he had a relationship of that kind, so it felt absolutely refreshing and great.

He quickly snapped out of his daze, remembering that Yixing was currently waiting for him outside, and proceeded on washing the apple in a rush, but as he was doing so, Chanyeol kissed his neck tenderly before adding more pressure, letting his tongue travel across the skin, and groaned lowly, sucking while pulling his body even closer to his, making Baekhyun melt into the embrace. His wandering hands stroked Baekhyun hips through the fabric, pressing their bodies slowly and inhaling his scent when his mouth would shortly leave his neck before tasting his skin again.

Baekhyun’s eyes started to close by themselves, unconsciously, as he leaned to the touch, allowing himself to be immersed into the pleasant and new feelings spurring in him and that urged him to snuggle into Chanyeol, to give in to those small gestures that were filled with pure care and love, liberating and natural now that they were officially together, aware that they were feeling the exact same way towards each other. But suddenly, his eyes snapped open and he looked at his collarbone that was partially revealed, realising that many hickeys from the previous night were decorating his skin and that his shirt shamelessly revealed them, probably at other places too he couldn’t see without looking in the mirror or completely remove his clothes. There was no way he would show up in front of his friends like this.

“Chan! Why didn’t you tell me that everything is on full display? My shirt definitely doesn’t cover the marks. I have to change shirts again!”

“Why? Are you ashamed?” Chanyeol asked lightly, almost teasingly. Chanyeol was in such a good mood. It made Baekhyun’s heart soft.

“No…I just don’t want my friends to know about this kind of thing…It’s personal…”

Never leaving Baekhyun’s neck, Chanyeol hummed and caressed his chest while leaving soft feathery kisses on his nape, hands slowly sliding under his shirt. Baekhyun trembled under his touch, gasping. He was really testing him.

“You were the one to tell me I should hurry, but you’re not helping at all.”

Chanyeol didn’t say a word, still focused on his lover. Baekhyun unwillingly pushed him away from him and headed towards his room again while looking for clothes that would hide his skin more effectively. Chanyeol followed him and rested his body on the bedroom’s door frame while laughing at the sight in front of him, arms crossed. Baekhyun tried to ignore his stare and continued to mess his drawers in order to find a top that would cover his skin as much as possible, quite a hard task since Chanyeol didn’t hold back with his marking. However, while running around in his room, the trumpeter had an idea. He stopped in his tracks and faced Chanyeol.

“Chan, would you like to listen to the album with us?”

The other man raised an eyebrow, surprised, “Me? Listening to your album? I listen to your performances all the time, I think that the four of you can manage taking care of your musical direction by yourselves.”

“Exactly; you would be the perfect person to give an unbiased opinion about what sounds better. Moreover, I would be curious to know your thoughts about our recording.”

Chanyeol didn’t seem convinced, “But I am not even a jazz musician.”

Baekhyun smiled playfully, “Oh, so you aren’t? What have you been practicing for multiple weeks now? Country music? Learning how to play the banjo? I am pretty sure you know much more about jazz than what you claim.”

As he was talking, Baekhyun got closer to the other man with a cheeky grin, feeling bolder than usual after getting more comfortable with the current atmosphere surrounding them. When he reached him, he laced their fingers together, happy that the wounds had time to heal.

“Come on, I am sure the other guys would like to have an opinion about someone else than a member of the group.”

“Then ask Jongin or Junmyeon. They know more about jazz than me.”

With their hands still linked together, Chanyeol pulled Baekhyun even closer to him.

“Jongin always plays with us so it doesn’t count. And Junmyeon is busy today.”

They stayed silent for a moment, Chanyeol thinking about Baekhyun’s proposition and the latter trying to find the words that would convince him.

“I want to know what you think about this, not just them. Could you do it for me, Chan? Please?”

And that’s how twenty minutes later, the couple was seated in Yixing’s home studio with the other members of the band. The atmosphere was awkward; Jongdae shooting daggers with his stare towards the guitarist and Chanyeol looking at Baekhyun’s neck that was entirely covered by a turtle neck. Wanting to get rid of the tension, Baekhyun cleared his throat, “Okay guys, I brought Chanyeol here so he could listen to the album with us and give us an external opinion. I think it would be a good idea to have advices from someone who isn’t related to our projects.”

“And why should we listen to someone who dislikes jazz music and treats you like shit?”

Chanyeol’s ears perked up at Jongdae’s attack and directed his attention towards him. Baekhyun didn’t like the turn the conversation was taking at all, especially since none of them knew what he was aware of. He really disliked dealing with this kind of tension. He was also afraid that Chanyeol would be angry; he knew it was a sight to avoid at any cost. Fortunately, Yixing was fast to answer back.

“I was surprised too when I saw Chanyeol coming out of Baek’s apartment and hop in the car. But while I have nothing against him, I think Baek has a point.”

“I agree,” added Kyungsoo.

The saxophonist looked at the other man, offended.

“And I think you are wrong about him not liking jazz. He spent months at Cloud 9 without complaining about the music and he seems to enjoy our performances a lot. Also, what does it matter if he likes it or not? A musician’s opinion is always interesting and valid, no matter what kind of music they prefer. Sure, we all have different tastes, but music is music. I would be curious to know his opinion about our album too.”

Baekhyun looked at Kyungsoo and smiled, thankful of his approval and professionalism.

“Chan also has a bit of experience when it comes to studio recording, right?”

“I do.”

“Then that’s another reason to let him give him his opinion about our recording.”

“Yeah, I bet he only tried a few times just for fun or for the sake of it with his bandmates. And how would he be able to judge a song of a genre he dislikes and knows nothing about? I wouldn’t be able to say shit or give proper feedback if it were about techno or some traditional music from Algeria or whatever country I don’t have information about. It isn’t any different for Chanyeol and jazz. It’s hard for just anyone to fully understand it, especially those without much experience in the genre. It’s not because he spent the past few months at the bar on a daily basis that he knows more about the music or even appreciates it. I’ve never heard him praise anything concerning jazz,” Jongdae argued, still against it.

“Chanyeol does play guitar though, an instrument used in jazz, and it’s not like jazz is as contrasting as techno is compared to it. And he has a lot of experience in music. Also, you guys don’t know it, but Chan has been researching about jazz for a while and is interested in it.”

All the members’ eyes were now staring at Baekhyun, Chanyeol not being an exception.

“Shit, was I not supposed to say it?” Baekhyun asked while scratching his head and grinning awkwardly, hoping he didn’t make a mistake.

“Jazz enthusiast or not, having some knowledge about it for only ‘a while’ is not enough for him to give the kind of feedback we want.”

“I think it could be an interesting option, though,” Kyungsoo reasoned, Yixing seemingly approving as well.

“Well, it’s not like it was my idea in the first place…”

Baekhyun elbowed Chanyeol on the ribs but while making sure he didn’t hit a bruised spot, unhappy that he wasn’t encouraging him while he was defending him. The tall man looked at him and sighed.

“Okay, listen Jongdae, and everyone else too. I know that I have been acting like an ass and that I haven’t said much about my interest in jazz music, but I sorted everything out with Baek yesterday and I would like to ask for your forgiveness, first and foremost, before we continue to the main topic, because it seems like Jongdae still isn’t too fond of me. I am not asking you to act like we are the greatest friends in the world, which isn’t the case anyway, but rather to understand that the situation I am in isn’t simple and that I am aware of the mistakes I did. We haven’t been able to get closer that much, or at least not enough it seems, but I do enjoy your company and if we could turn the page, I would be glad.”

Baekhyun placed his hand on Chanyeol’s back and caressed it softly. He was happy about his improvement. Sure, he knew that he wouldn’t change in just a day; it would take months and even years for him to do so, but he was showing that he truly wanted to become another person, even if he personally liked how he currently was, and it was enough. He was prepared for the rollercoaster ahead of them and he was convinced that Chanyeol would make it; that they would make it. Jongdae looked sceptical, but Baekhyun knew that he was only protective of him.

Baekhyun was aware of the strange glances he received from the members at his action and removed his hand from Chanyeol’s back when he felt a blush rise on his cheeks. He realised that he had to announce his relationship with the taller man, something he hadn’t planned at all or even crossed his mind.

“By the way, these two are together now. They kept sharing glances at the back of the car and I find Chanyeol’s sudden appearance from his apartment suspicious, so don’t be surprised by their closeness,” Yixing exclaimed playfully.

Baekhyun’s cheeks were now completely red, shy as could be.

“How did you notice?”

“It was about time. I was sick of seeing you two moving so slowly. I am happy you finally sorted this out,” said Kyungsoo.

Jongdae didn’t say a word but it was evident that he was hiding a smile.

“Sehun told us about you guys meeting last night. I still don’t fully trust you, Chanyeol, for many reasons I am sure you understand, but I am willing to give you a chance, nonetheless. I can’t really say that your apology is accepted on my side yet, but I’ll try and see where it goes.”

Jongdae’s words truly pleased Baekhyun and he had to fight the urge to jump into his arms at how overly happy he was that Jongdae was so compliant. Jongdae was a man that let other people earn his trust with time, which was gained through genuine actions and words, so seeing him giving Chanyeol a chance after the past few weeks was truly a blessing.

“Great! So I don’t need to hold back.”

With that being said, Chanyeol put his arm around Baekhyun’s waist and kissed his temple in front of everyone. Needless to say how embarrassed the smaller man was.

“Ew! No PDA, please! Go in your room if you want to do those things! I am willing to let Chanyeol’s shitty attitude slide this time, but this is out of question!” Jongdae exclaimed.

Baekhyun gently slapped his lover’s hand away from him and scolded him. The band members saw Chanyeol’s bright smile for the first time in a while and it was enough to convince them that they didn’t have an option but to give him a shot. The two of them looked happy together and it relieved them. After spending so much time dealing with both of their emotional mess, it was pleasant to actually see the two men getting along without restrain.

“Why don’t we do what we are here for in the first place?” Jongdae asked.

Everyone looked at the saxophonist, approving his request, Baekhyun relieved and delighted to have Jongdae’s approval in the end. Yixing then proceeded to find the file that contained their final mix on his computer. Everyone sat comfortably and strategically based on the position of the speakers around them. Baekhyun was nervous. He felt like this was a very important step for them as a group and it was extremely nerve wracking. Chanyeol also understood what it meant for him and he rested his hand on his thigh as a sign of comfort, a gesture Baekhyun appreciated.

“Here we go.”

Everyone was focused and serious, impatiently waiting for the producer to reveal the result of their constant dedicated work. When Yixing clicked on the ‘play’ button, Baekhyun held his breath. The first notes started to play, the musicians all focused on the sounds that instantly plunged them into their own world, what they had been working on for months, preparing without a break. With Chanyeol’s gentle caresses, Baekhyun closed his eyes and let their musical universe engulf him.

 

 

[Louis Armstrong - A Kiss to Build a Dream On](https://youtu.be/fHjZQb-kGek)


	15. Chapter XIII

All the jazz musicians were now at the empty bar in the early afternoon, talking about their album while listening to one of Tommy Flanagan’s recordings, to Jongin’s request. He was trying to step up his piano skills and claimed that listening to the pianist he started to develop a huge liking for would be the best way for him to get into the mood. He was currently at the piano, playing some chords and matching it to the pieces that were playing.

Meanwhile, Chanyeol was at the counter, staring at Baekhyun’s energetic gestures while he made a speech about how he was convinced that they should go for a live album instead of the one they recorded in the studio. Ever since Chanyeol told them what he honestly thought about their recording, which was two days ago, the band had been arguing about it. They disagreed on the issue and Baekhyun was especially passionate about it. He wanted to record a live album and there was no compromise possible. He could be so stubborn at times.

Chanyeol was initially at the bar earlier to get some things done in the kitchen as well as to clean the place, but he couldn’t take his eyes off his boyfriend. He knew that Baekhyun was discreet about their relationship and that he wasn’t comfortable about displaying any kind of affection in public, and he respected that, but it was extremely hard for him to restrain himself from touching or kissing him when the other men were around.

He was craving for the other’s touch so badly. It kept intensifying ever since their night at Baekhyun’s apartment, even though it had only been two days. Whenever they were alone together, he would always find a way to stick to him. No matter how many flings he had in the past, he had never felt this kind of love towards someone and the pleasant feeling was working wonders on him; he was clingy, always smiling like a fool, always looking for attention from his boyfriend, in constant need of a close proximity, just to name a few. The side effects of romantic love made him discover a few sides of his personality he had no idea was a part of him.

Baekhyun also helped him to be at peace; while he still had quite a lot of anger caged inside of him, the situations he was exposed to weren’t ones to trigger it so he was safe for now. He felt great and refreshed. He was just hoping that the day he would blow up wouldn’t be as bad as before.

While he was watching the argument of the band from the counter, Junmyeon stood next to him and watched the scene with him.

“Sometimes I wonder what age they truly are. Especially Baekhyun; he looks like a five years old kid that just got his favourite candy taken away from him.”

Chanyeol laughed, agreeing with his boss. Baekhyun really acted like a child at times and he was even worse when it came to the things that were dear to him, including his band. The two men observed the group from afar for a while until the owner of the bar interrupted their session, “Would you like to sweep the floor? I’ll go on with the food preparations.”

“Sure.”

Chanyeol looked one last time in the direction of his lover and took the broom. He started cleaning the area next to the counter and slowly got closer to the table where the jazz band was still arguing.

“Baek, just get over it! Yixing worked so hard on the mixing; it would be a waste to not use his work. We also spent so much time to record ourselves with his program, there’s no way that all this trouble will be thrown away like this.”

“I am not saying that what we did is useless or even that Yixing did all of this for nothing, Jongdae. I am saying that while the final mix is absolutely fantastic, I think that our group and our sound will be highlighted even more with a live recording. Or we could at least record simultaneously like we tried out before.”

“How many times will I have to say this, Baek? I am tired of repeating the same things only to hear the same words from you. Don’t you have better arguments than this?”

“Aren’t my arguments good enough? Dae, you know how I feel towards jazz music and recordings.”

“Yes, but the studio recording is perfectly fine and satisfying enough for it to be sold!”

Chanyeol could tell that the trumpeter was seriously starting to lose his patience as well as his composure. It had only been two days since their disagreement surfaced, but it was taking a toll on the smaller man and quite harshly at that. He wasn’t used to arguing with his friends and since it concerned a very important topic for them, it affected him even more than it usually would. What made it worse was that while Baekhyun could be hard headed, Jongdae wouldn’t flinch either. When he was convinced about something, he would fight for it and he would get what he wanted, no matter what it took in order to make it. He had learned with time that these two, no matter how close they were, would be the ones to argue more frequently than the other ones, who tended to be on the calmer and cool headed side.

“Chan! Tell them what you think about the studio recording again! They won’t listen to me!”

Hearing Baekhyun’s pleading made his heart shatter a little bit. He hated seeing him so desperate. The red hair man reached their table, still holding the broom, and stood next to Baekhyun.

“They already know it, Baek. I explained everything the other day.”

“Tell them again! Explain how you agree with me on this!”

Chanyeol sighed and tried to stay calm. The last thing he wanted was to meddle into their business while he was not even concerned in the first place by their group. But Baekhyun’s stressed expression was too hard to see.

“Well, while I think Baek is right when he says that a live recording would make your energy and skills stand out more, I also think that it would reflect your unity as well as your musical connection a lot. But I also think that Yixing’s mixing is well executed and that it also makes the group shine, in a different way, but still effectively. After all, there’s a reason artists these days record in this way; it works well.”

“I really dislike when you are neutral,” Baekhyun pouted.

“I still prefer a live recording, though.”

“I agree with the two.”

Everyone directed their attention towards Kyungsoo. It was the first time he talked since their argument started and they were all waiting for him to finish his trail of thoughts.

“Our last live recording was great, but not enough to be kept, right? I think we should go for another one. We spent a lot of time in Yixing’s studio yet we only tried a live recording once. If it doesn’t turn out well, then we could use the studio version.”

“This means that we have to play the exact same program again? We already decided on the pieces that will be featured on the album and we played it a lot already in our daily performances,” Yixing added.

“We can still play our program but while adding other pieces too. And the customers like the pieces anyway, so it’s a positive outcome for everyone.”

Jongdae didn’t seem too convinced.

“I am starting to be tired of recording the same pieces over and over again. The studio version is already done, why don’t we use it? It’s ready!”

Suddenly, Baekhyun got up and excused himself while fleeing to the men’s toilets.

“Well done, Jongdae. Now Baek is upset,” said Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol watched the trumpeter enter the toilets. He then looked at Junmyeon, the other man nodding at him and pointing with his head towards the place Baekhyun took refuge in. Chanyeol understood the sign and quickly left the broom at a corner of the bar, not wasting any time before joining Baekhyun in the empty area.

When he entered the toilets, he spotted a closed cabin. He didn’t even knock before pushing the door that was unlocked and revealed the musician who was sitting on the toilet seat with his hands on his knees that were supporting his head. Chanyeol couldn’t restrain a laugh, the sight of a pouty Baekhyun too cute not to react. As he heard the tall man, Baekhyun raised his head.

“Are you laughing at me? Do you think that me being pissed is funny?”

Chanyeol’s smile lingered on his face for a few seconds before letting his concern take over his features.

“Come here.”

Baekhyun stared at him and got up from his seat, crashing into Chanyeol’s arms that were warmly hugging him back. Chanyeol kissed the top of his lover’s head and tightened his embrace, inhaling the other man’s appeasing scent at the same occasion. On the other hand, Baekhyun circled his waist and let his head rest on the crook of his neck. Chanyeol’s hands were now wandering on Baekhyun’s back, caressing lovingly every inch of it before steadying them on his boyfriend’s hips, teasing the end of his tucked shirt. Baekhyun raised his head and looked into his eyes.

“I am scared, Chan.”

The tall man kissed his lips chastely in an attempt to erase the scowl on his face, bumping their nose together.

“Why?”

Baekhyun kissed him back, mirroring the other’s action.

“Because it’s the first time that we’re arguing this much. I don’t want our group to butt heads for such a reason. I don’t want it to ruin our mood and performances. Yesterday’s was so uncomfortable. I really hate it when we can’t seem to settle on a common decision, it really stresses me out.”

Their lips were now moving against each other’s while talking, the sensation making a shiver run down Chanyeol’s spine.

“It will be fine. The four of you will find a solution that will please everyone. And you know how Jongdae is; he is stubborn but he wouldn’t want to upset you. I bet that by the end of the week, he will have changed his mind and surrendered.”

“Oh, and what are you betting?”

Baekhyun kissed him tenderly, his tongue grazing Chanyeol’s lips, an access he instantly granted. They kissed slowly, savouring the moment as much as possible while they had a bit of intimacy. After a few moments, they dove deeper into the kiss, each movement growing in tension and escalating, and they started to breathe more heavily, their passionate kissing session intoxicating the both of them. Chanyeol’s grip tightened even more, his hands roaming on the man that drove him crazy.

Chanyeol separated their mouths for a second while still keeping them in contact, answering Baekhyun’s previous question, “Anything; it’s up to you.”

With these words being said, Baekhyun closed their distance and resumed their kissing session that was soon turning into a full make out. Baekhyun’s hands found their way under Chanyeol’s white shirt, savouring his sculpted chest with his touch and pushing him against the bathroom sink. Meanwhile, Chanyeol was devouring Baekhyun’s mouth and messing his hair with one hand while resting the other on his right cheek, biting his lips when he could and letting his lover guide him. Their bodies were molding perfectly together.

Chanyeol soon couldn’t restrain himself anymore and switched places with Baekhyun, pushing the smaller man against the sink and making him sit next to it. Baekhyun was quick to circle his legs around Chanyeol’s hips, urging him to stay closer to him, to feel him. Their heart beats were irregular yet in sync. The both of them were lost in their own world, their bodies controlling their every action; from Baekhyun's hungry touches to Chanyeol’s thirsty kisses, their hot tongues moving in harmony. Their bodies and souls were like magnets and they couldn’t fight against it, the two filling their missing pieces.

Since they started to feel too hot for the circumstances and the location they were in, the lovers unwillingly stopped their make out session, their breathing uneven and their bodies still unsatisfied by their proximity that somehow wasn’t enough. Their heads were against each other, their hot breaths mixing together and the occasional remaining kisses stolen by Chanyeol easing them. Baekhyun looked fondly into the guitarist’s eyes, words not enough to express the emotions crashing onto him. However, their gazes were expressive, words not needed for them to understand the intensity of their feelings for each other.

“Are you okay, Chan?”

His small and concerned voice took Chanyeol by surprise, “Why?”

Baekhyun, never taking his gaze off his lover, stroked a wild red hair strand and delicately pushed it behind the other man’s ear.

“You haven’t been looking too cheerful these past few days. I mean, aside from your breakdown and when we are only the two of us, like right now.”

Chanyeol affectionately smiled and sighed, “I can never hide anything from you, huh?”

“You can’t. I can see right through you, young man,” Baekhyun added with a grin.

With his legs still circling Chanyeol’s hips, Baekhyun pulled him towards him and kissed his nose, the guitarist putting his hands on his lover’s waist and brushing it with his thumbs. He could never get enough of him.

“Want to share your concerns with me?”

His warm words pulled Chanyeol in, making him spill his worries.

“It’s a little bit embarrassing…”

“Don’t leave me hanging!” Baekhyun said with a slight tap on his shoulder.

“Alright,” Chanyeol responded, unconvinced. He cleared his throat and shyly looked into the smaller man’s eyes, “It’s just that I am a little bit jealous of your relationship with your band… Okay, more like very envious.”

Baekhyun raised an eyebrow, confused, “Envious? Why?”

“Because while I am happy that you can have such a connection and so much fun with your friends, I envy the fact that you have a band in the first place.” Chanyeol, stopped, hesitant, but continued after a few seconds, “I’ve been dying to have a group of my own, but everything ended up crumbling before my own eyes and it’s making me feel bad. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I can’t help it.”

Baekhyun stayed silent for a while, making Chanyeol regret voicing his thoughts out. However, the smooth and gentle caresses his boyfriend gave him soothed him. The guitarist then hid his face against Baekhyun’s chest, ashamed of feeling this way.

He had been feeling like this for some time now and it got worse after getting closer to the other men. He had never been able to have such friendships and his attempts at creating the band of his dreams had always turned out badly. Baekhyun was lucky enough to grow up with such kind souls and have a strong musical connection with them. He had everything Chanyeol lacked and wished for.

“Hey, don’t feel bad for having these feelings.”

Baekhyun forcefully lifted Chanyeol’s hidden face and pecked his lips.

“Don’t lose hope, okay? Those people were not real friends anyway. You will meet the right people that will make your wishes come true at the appropriate time.”

“When? In sixty years?”

Baekhyun’s genuine laugh gave Chanyeol goosebumps, the sound of it making him blush and instantly smile.

“Patience is the key.”

“You know perfectly that I don’t have any.”

“Then you will have to acquire it,” Baekhyun teased

Baekhyun’s features were radiating love and kindness. It made the tall man’s knees weak and even convinced him that he was right. The other man was so confident and trusted him so much that it moved Chanyeol like never before. Another wave of strong emotions assaulted him and his heart started to beat faster again, this time not because of physical need, but rather because of the strong feelings he held for the man he was developing pure feelings for. He was completely head over heels.

The two musicians kissed again, their mouths naturally moving against one another. Abruptly, the door of the men’s toilets opened, revealing Junmyeon who stood right in front of it. The lovers jumped, startled by the action.

“I knew you two were going at it. You’ve been stuck here for twenty minutes already.”

Baekhyun blushed and hid his face while looking at the opposite direction, gripping Chanyeol’s shirt that he managed to unbutton during their previous heated kissing session.

“I am sorry to interrupt your private ‘discussion’, but I need Chanyeol to finish cleaning the bar before we open.”

Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun, whose face was red from embarrassment.

“I’ll be going soon.”

“Alright. I give you two more minutes top!”

The owner cracked a smile and left them alone. Chanyeol laughed wholeheartedly before kissing the man that was desperately still trying to hide and removed his legs from his hips.

“Your expression is lovely.”

His chest was soon attacked by a slap, courtesy to a shy and extremely cute Baekhyun.

“Don’t laugh at me!”

Chanyeol smiled widely, “I am not. Just teasing you; it’s my guilty pleasure. “

The two men tidied their clothes and made their way out of the toilets while bickering, their friends not missing the chance to point out Baekhyun’s red face and Chanyeol’s smug grin. They spent the afternoon talking about other things than their recording, to Baekhyun’s relief.

The time to open the bar arrived faster than expected and soon enough, the band was leaving, only Jongin, Junmyeon, Baekhyun and Chanyeol staying at Cloud 9. It was a Tuesday, the night where the amateurs and students could play as they wished, so there was no need for them to stay.

When the jam session started, the bar was full, the students’ friends drinking and eating while encouraging their classmates. Junmyeon seemed happy to see the young generation finding so much pleasure in jazz music, a genre that seemed to be forgotten way too much. Apparently, it wasn’t. Chanyeol served the customers and observed the group of musicians enjoy their time together, playing and listening to the music that made them feel alive. He couldn’t help feeling envious, but at least it was a fun and nostalgic sight.

He couldn’t wait for the time he would have his own band again. He dearly missed the feeling of the stage, of the freeing sensation that came from performing in front of an audience, letting his heart out while giving his all into each and every note, to be completely immersed in his own world, being himself, the only place he had felt was his home for most of his life. He would make sure that it would happen.

 

 

[Tommy Flanagan - It Don't Mean A Thing](https://youtu.be/mHNWVEVc9rM)


	16. Chapter XIV

“No, I refuse.”

Baekhyun and Sehun sighed deeply, absolutely annoyed at Chanyeol’s stubborn rejection.

“Come on! Just play one song with the students! It’s the perfect opportunity for you to practice!” Sehun exclaimed, having joined them shortly after the bar had opened, desperate to convince the guitarist.

“No way in hell. I won’t humiliate myself in front of the guys that study in the field while I am just a beginner at this.”

“Please, Chan. Just once!” his boyfriend pleaded.

But Chanyeol didn’t fall for his irresistible pout, “No.”

Jongin, who was wiping some glasses with Junmyeon at the counter while listening to the trio’s endless bickering, joined their conversion, tired of hearing them repeat the same things over and over again for the past ten minutes.

“Chanyeol, you either take your guitar and go up on that stage now or you guys stop bothering him with this, because I can’t stand your childish argument anymore.”

But Baekhyun wasn’t going to leave it at that. It was the perfect occasion for Chanyeol to practice his skills as a jazz guitarist. Moreover, he knew the students quite well and he was convinced that they would never judge him. They made plenty of mistakes themselves.

“Why don’t you want to go on the stage? Haven’t you wanted to play with a band for a while now? Don’t you want to test your skills and understanding of jazz music in another way rather than being left alone for hours with a book in your hands?”

Chanyeol lifted his gaze towards him, still looking stubborn, but at least a little bit interested. Baekhyun took it as a sign to continue.

“Playing with the students will make you learn in a different and much more interesting and interactive way. That’s how I learned to play jazz music faster; by diving straight into it, playing with other people. You have been watching them for weeks; it’s time to get into action.”

“I know it, I know…But…Shit.”

Chanyeol was fiddling with his hands that were a little bit shaking, obviously nervous about the idea. Baekhyun was nervous just looking at him.

“I am a musician; I know that the stage is the best way to learn, to gain experience…But I am so fucking scared. I suck! I mean, look at them!” he exclaimed while pointing at the group of students that were currently jamming to 'Moanin’' and twisting Art Blakey’s initial colours with their own. “They know their stuff!”

“There are a lot of amateurs too. You’re not the only one who is just starting.”

“But-“

“Some things never change.”

The five men turned around at the sound of a voice they hadn’t heard in weeks. Minseok was tossing aside his coat with his trombone case at his feet, a smile playing on his lips as he approached his dear friends at the counter. They gaped at his sight, overjoyed over his appearance at the bar he hadn’t stepped in for way too long. Baekhyun’s eyes lit up as he rose from his seat and crashed into the arms of the older man, Minseok circling his arms around the smaller man’s frame in a warm and comforting manner.

“Minseok! I am so happy to see you! It’s been ages since you’ve come here!”

The trombonist’s laugh made Baekhyun snuggle deeper into their hug, delighted to hear his voice in person rather than through the phone. The other men just watched silently, each one of them smiling so widely their cheeks hurt. Minseok caressed the younger’s back in a friendly manner, happy about finally being able to spend a night at Cloud 9. The last time he went there was when he first dragged Chanyeol into the bar, which was months ago.

Baekhyun and Minseok stayed in each other’s arms for a while until their friends cleared their throats. Minseok laughed at Baekhyun’s pout as he unwillingly detached himself from his body. Soon enough, they were all sitting at the counter with a glass of beer in front of them that Junmyeon had the pleasure to fill, laughing their hearts out and enjoying the company.

“It looks like Chanyeol finally made his move and declared his love for Baek,” Minseok playfully said as he saw the two love birds sitting next to each other and share some unsubtle gazes.

“It took them long enough!” Sehun added while slapping Chanyeol’s back who grunted in response. Minseok grinned at the sight of them, happy he could have been of help to push Chanyeol into finally taking a step closer towards the path he deserved.

“If it wouldn’t be for Junmyeon, I probably wouldn’t have found him at the bar the day I put some sense back into him,” Baekhyun said while looking at Junmyeon who was denying the praise while blushing.

The group of friends talked a lot, catching up about everything they missed since the last time they saw each other. Sehun talked about how he had tried to get some lessons about sound engineering since he wanted to be in charge of the sound balance at the bar as well as the lighting, which was greatly approved by the owner. He even started to look at some equipment on the internet and went as far as registering for classes so he could enroll at a university for the next semester that would start at the end of the summer, having missed the opportunity to enroll for the winter session. Jongin was mainly serving the customers and chatting from time to time with them, saying how much he loved Tommy Flanagan’s albums and that his playing gave him goosebumps.

Baekhyun shared his thoughts about the recording with his band, who were still unsure about which way to go for, but praised them for being such great musicians, slipping a few words about how lucky they were in the first place to have found each other and to finally take another step towards their common dream of living off their own concerts and conquering the jazz scene. Junmyeon shared his ideas for the new menu he was working on, gathering as many opinions about it as possible.

On the other hand, Minseok carefully listened to them and talked about what had happened in his life; from some lighthearted anecdotes about his students to a couple of his dates that either went well or flopped. They all joked around and had several beers in between their cheerful conversations, warming up with each glass that was increasing their joyful night. Baekhyun listened to every word his friends said, absolutely pleased about his day that was taking a very enjoyable turn. With more alcohol flowing through his body, he was daring enough to hold Chanyeol’s waist and even peck his cheek, the guitarist less tense then earlier and obviously appreciating the loving gestures.

After a while, when the students finished playing their second round, Jongin pointed towards the group of energetic teenagers that were drinking at the front of the stage.

“Minseok, you should definitely play with the kids tonight. They have all been looking at you ever since you entered the place. I bet they miss the time when you regularly came here to accompany them.”

Minseok’s smile widened, “Yes, I can even recognise one of my students. And I didn’t bring my trombone only for the sake of it; I miss playing on the stage here.”

“Really? I haven’t heard you play for so long! The last time you played here, I wasn’t even there.”

The trombonist put his hand on Sehun’s shoulder and rubbed it, “Then you will have the chance to hear me tonight. I think I’ll go on the stage now, actually. Want to come with me Chanyeol?”

The man visibly tensed, Baekhyun noticing his muscles stiffening as soon as Minseok pronounced the words.

“We can play together, if it can make you more comfortable. We can even play some blues, go into familiar territory first. I am pretty sure a couple of the kids would like to play some tunes.”

Baekhyun stroked Chanyeol’s thigh in a comforting manner. The guitarist sighed, “You won’t stop bugging me with this until I go on the stage, huh?”

The four men all nodded at the same time, Sehun slapping Chanyeol’s shoulder rather strongly, probably a bit too tipsy to be aware of the strength of his blow.

“Come on! Get on that stage now!”

Baekhyun could see that he was surrendering as his shoulders faltered. “I guess I have no choice.”

The guitarist took a deep breath and finished his beer in one go, mumbling something about how he would need it to gain the courage to climb on that stage. Baekhyun only looked at him, nervous but happy that he was finally going to do it. Chanyeol got up and looked at his lover, visibly nervous and quite tipsy, as he could see from the look in his eyes.

“Can I get a kiss, in case I die on the stage?”

Baekhyun laughed and pushed him towards the stage. “Don’t be so dramatic. I’ll do it when you come back,” he replied, winking. He was feeling bolder and in a more teasing mood than usual, the beers kicking in.

It’s with a stiff body that Chanyeol followed Minseok towards the students at the front, the alcohol not soothing his nervousness. Baekhyun watched the two men talking to the teenagers, three of them getting on the stage as Chanyeol took his guitar out from the back of the bar where he kept it hidden along with his scores and various music books.

“You’ve never heard him play either, haven’t you, Baek? I mean, aside from the time you confronted him.”

Baekhyun looked at Jongin who was now sitting where Chanyeol previously was. “No, I haven’t. And I am very looking forward to hear him play. He’s always so secretive about it. It’s funny since he used to boast about his playing when he was in his rock band. I still remember his confidence when we first spoke.”

“I bet he’s just nervous about suddenly being the new musician around a crowd of experienced ones,” Junmyeon added.

“You guys can come up with whatever reasons you want to justify him, but he’s just afraid to shatter his reputation of being a fantastic guitarist by some kids who are probably way better than him.”

Now it was Baekhyun’s turn to slap Sehun’s shoulder.

“That hurt!”

Baekhyun stuck his tongue out, “That’s a payback for hitting Chan way too harshly earlier, even if he deserved it.”

The three men’s childish quarrel was interrupted when they heard the sound of an instrument being plugged in an amplifier, followed by a few tentative chords, making them focus on the men that were getting ready on the stage. Minseok already has his trombone out, as beautiful as Baekhyun remembered it to be. He recognised three of the regulars; a bassist, a drummer and a pianist. Chanyeol tuned his guitar with shaky hands after hearing an A from the pianist, the trombonist and the double bass player also tuning their instruments.

Baekhyun observed Chanyeol closely, mentally rooting for him and excited about hearing him play. He couldn’t wait to hear how much he probably improved since the time he played ‘Born To Be Blue’ with him. The musicians on the stage chatted for a bit, probably choosing a song, and Chanyeol took some sheets out to put it on the stand in front of him.

Minseok started to count the beats, “One, two, three and four!”

The men started to play a very familiar tune, ‘Autumn Leaves’. Baekhyun smiled at the choice, a classic in the jazz repertoire. It would be perfect for Chanyeol for a first performance. Baekhyun paid attention to the students’ playing; the drummer was as great as usual, steadier than the last time he heard him. The pianist was also very good, a little bit unbalanced at the start, visibly not used to play with a guitarist, but that was also a part of the game and the reasons why their jam sessions were needed.

And of course, Minseok was truly fantastic. As soon as he played the first notes with his trombone when the song started, the beautiful sound and colour of his instrument invaded the bar, warming the place that was sheltered from the cold winter weather. Jongin, Junmyeon, Sehun and Baekhyun shared a knowing smile, feeling an unexplainable cozy feeling grow within them. They had missed his playing so much, and it was as great and as pure as they remembered it to be. Even without a proper warm up, the oldest’s stance and performance was flawless. No wonder why he was renowned as one of the best trombonists in the country.

But as Baekhyun directed his attention towards Chanyeol, his smile widened even more. His fingers moved a little bit clumsily at first, and he looked shocked at the sight of Minseok right next to him, but he progressively gained his composure. Baekhyun was proud of seeing him perform with the students. They jammed for a few minutes, letting the oldest enjoy his time to shine, until the pianist started his own solo. At that moment, Chanyeol’s guitar was accompanying the band with the chords he played softly yet with more and more confidence. When the pianist was reaching the end of his solo, he nodded towards the guitarist whose eyes widened for a second. Minseok chuckled and whispered inaudible words in his ears. The last bar finished and it finally was Chanyeol’s turn.

He was very tense at the start, playing a series of wrong notes since he was visibly caught off guard. His first solo was short and quite messy, which Baekhyun found cute more than anything else, and he shot him a thumbs up so he wouldn’t let it beat him. They continued to jam for a couple of minutes, each one of them improvising. They then played another song, Chanyeol only accompanying them and silently listening to the soloists. He still didn’t seem comfortable, but he was slowly getting the hang of it.

The group on stage then decided to play a third song together, Chanyeol being the one to choose. When the song started, Baekhyun could instantly recognise ‘Bye Bye Blackbird’ and smiled at the choice. Minseok was the first one to start with the melody and his solo, followed by the pianist, and then it was Chanyeol’s turn again. He seemed more determined this time and although he was a little bit stiff, he was visibly more comfortable than with the other songs. But it wasn’t bad at all. Actually, it was great. His solo kept extending as he was getting more at ease, his fingers gaining their initial ability to move freely. It was apparent that he had practiced that song probably more than the previous ones. Baekhyun observed each one of his movement and the change in his facial expression that revealed how much fun he was starting to have as he got deeper into his solo, coming up with a few interesting and skillful licks, giving his own colours to the piece. It was a beautiful sight.

“He’s doing great, even with the rough start. For how long has he been playing jazz?” Jongin asked.

Junmyeon replied, “A few months, probably around two or three? I lost the count. But it is quite recent.”

“Improvising is not an easy task. He’s doing quite good at the moment.”

Minseok eventually joined Chanyeol, the two men having a dialogue with their own instruments. It took a few more minutes before they finished the song, the sound of clapping and cheering making the men on the stage smile. A couple of students got up from their seats and debated over who would play by Minseok’s side next. Chanyeol was starting to clear his stuff of the stage when one of the students held him back. That’s how Chanyeol ended up playing the whole time of the third improvisation round. Almost every student and a few amateurs played with him, giving him tips and tricks to improve his playing and praising him at the same occasion. He was the only guitarist that night and it was greatly appreciated by the crowd. Through the whole time, the four friends enjoyed the show, Junmyeon and Jongin serving the customers while Chanyeol, who was supposed to work, jammed with the other musicians instead.

Baekhyun had a huge smile plastered on his face as he was watching his lover interact with them, pleased at the changes he could see in the man compared to their first meeting. At that moment, he was proud, and he was also falling even deeper than he already was for Chanyeol.

 

 

[Carl Fontana - Autumn Leaves](https://youtu.be/7IwSdYXpNN8)


	17. Chapter XV (Part I)

The soft sound of Chanyeol’s electric guitar was resonating in the empty bar as he was playing ‘Satin Doll’, a piece he had been working on for a few weeks and managed to grasp in a record time. He still had a few passages to work on, but learning jazz pieces was getting more and more comfortable for him, this one taking less time than he had first planned. It was a bit challenging with its speed, but Chanyeol focused most of his free time on sharpening the fast licks that were becoming more and more natural.

Meanwhile, Junmyeon, Kyungsoo and Yixing were talking around a table. Chanyeol managed to hear a few of their exchanges, which seemed to be about the group’s album that had yet to be recorded, or rather have a recording that equally pleased everyone, even after a little bit more than a month had passed. The members were still divided about the issue, but they had been recording some of their latest performances at the bar again and they seemed to have a kind of block, so they decided to take a short break from it in order to sort it out. Baekhyun had already explained the situation to him, so he pushed their chatter at the back of his mind and solely focused on his practice session.

“Chanyeol, why don’t you practice at home? You have enough space in your room to do it. Or are you still uncomfortable there?”

Junmyeon’s sudden question startled Chanyeol who abruptly stopped playing an important passage he still had some trouble with. He lifted his gaze from the fretboard and met eyes with the owner who looked concerned. He had moved to Junmyeon’s place not long after he had started going out with Baekhyun, the owner having lent him his guest room. He had been very nice, suggesting for him to move into his place, which was cozy and big enough for two people to live comfortably in. Sehun and Minseok also offered him their places to stay instead of his run down apartment, but he felt guilty about invading their personal spaces, especially since he knew he would disturb them most of the time with their schedules clashing. And he was already indebted enough to the two; he couldn’t accept their offer. However, Junmyeon had insisted a lot and convinced him that his guest room would be available for him for as long as he wished. And they had similar schedules; waking up at the same hour, going to the bar in each other’s company, helping to close it and returning back home with the others. Junmyeon was a man that had earned his respect and his trust, someone that made him feel at home. His help was greatly appreciated and Chanyeol was extremely grateful. He felt indebted to him, to his kindness, but he had no idea how to return the favour back.

“My room is perfect, Junmyeon, don’t worry. I just prefer practicing here. I got used to it, and I like the resonance here. And I am sure your neighbours wouldn’t like to hear me playing for hours while blasting the volume. Not that I really care, but I don’t want to put you in trouble.”

Junmyeon chuckled, “The house is isolated enough so it wouldn’t disturb them one bit.”

Chanyeol shrugged his shoulders and smiled, “Thank you again for taking me in. I have probably been a bother for the past month, invading your personal space-”

“Chanyeol, we already talked about it countless times; it is my pleasure to share my home with you. You are not bothering me at all. Your presence is greatly welcomed.”

“I know, but-”

“Don’t even talk about repaying me for everything again. It’s not like I am paying all the fees by myself; we are roommates now, we came to an agreement, and this place is now ours. So just leave it be and stop making yourself feel guilty. It’s my pleasure.”

Junmyeon’s voice was firm but warm, which lessened the tension in Chanyeol’s shoulders that was increasing while guilt took over once again. No matter what his roommate said, he would always feel indebted. And he would be sure he would repay him for his kindness. He still hadn't figured out how, but he would eventually find a way. He had been so caring ever since he started to work at Cloud 9, helping him as much as he could. Chanyeol didn’t know what he would have done without him.

Since their conversation was over, he focused his attention back on the piece he was practicing, taking off where he stopped, and played the specific lick from the start. After a while, Chanyeol glanced at the clock hung on the wall in front of him. His eyes widened in realisation that he would be late for his date if he wouldn’t hurry now. Baekhyun had planned their first date, which was in a few minutes. They had been so busy that they couldn’t have one until now, which took them more than a month. They saw each other everyday at the bar, but never really on their free time outside of their workplace, aside from when Baekhyun went to Junmyeon’s or when Chanyeol went to Baekhyun’s, which was only decreasing as the both of them were busy with their own things. He couldn’t wait to spend their whole day off with him, excitement already palpable in him.

He placed his guitar back in its case and turned the amplifier off in a hurry while hoping he wouldn’t arrive late to their meeting spot. As soon as he finished tidying up his belongings, he passed by the table and greeted the three men before taking his coat out and wearing it, his heart rate already agitated in anticipation.

“Where are you heading to, Chanyeol?” asked Yixing.

The red hair man grinned, not minding to hide his enthusiasm. “I am going on my first date. I have to hurry if I don’t want to be late.” Yixing whistled, making a bright smile lighten Chanyeol’s face.

“Wait, you have been going out with Baekhyun for more than a month yet you have never been on a date?” asked Jongin as he was entering the bar, his face red from the cold. The three men faced him, surprised to see him so early at the bar. “You two are the slowest couple ever. It took you multiple weeks before admitting your feelings and now it takes a month before you officially go out on a date? I can’t believe it.”

Jongin faked looking judgingly at Chanyeol before laughing, “I’m only joking, I know you guys had it rough.” Chanyeol’s smile widened, feeling great to have strengthened his bond with the band and to have created such friendship. It had taken a while, but it was worth the long and tortuous ride.

“What are you doing here at this time? It’s only one o’clock,” Kyungsoo asked.

The pianist tapped Chanyeol’s shoulder as a greeting while heading towards the table where his friends were sitting. “I was planning on practicing the piano here before preparing the food for tonight.”

“Still not over Flanagan?” Yixing asked.

“Of course not! This man is a piano God!”

“Can’t deny it,” Kyungsoo approved.

“Just watch him be all over Bill Evans again next week.”

They all laughed at Yixing’s statement and Jongin didn’t waste a second before going on the stage and sitting in front of the piano before complaining about his fingers being too stiff to play correctly because of the cold. The men continued to laugh and talked about other pianists that were equally as mind blowing when Chanyeol was preparing to leave for his long awaited date.

While he was putting his boots on, Kyungsoo called him out from the table, “Chanyeol, it would be great if you could play with us some time.”

“Yes! We should plan a jam session soon with the band!” Yixing added.

Chanyeol hesitated, “Are you sure about that? I am only a beginner.”

The friends shared a knowing look before Jongin spoke again, “You’re way better than what you claim to be, Chanyeol. I’ve heard you enough here while preparing the stuff for the bar with Sehun and Junmyeon. You’re a great jazz guitarist. You improved a lot.”

Chanyeol didn’t know how to react after such praises from the group of musicians he looked up to the most at the moment. He blushed and nodded, accepting their offer. “Alright, we should do this some time.” The men grinned while Chanyeol said his last goodbyes and finally left after they wished him a nice date.

He let a relieved sigh past his lips when he arrived at the subway station where he was supposed to meet Baekhyun and learned that he managed to make it in time. He was panting a little bit, having ran on the endless stairs to make sure he wouldn’t be late. He looked around the station until he spotted a relatively small man hiding in a thick scarf he knew too well, a warm coat and a beanie on his head with black strands that were peeking out of the warm fabric. Chanyeol shortly observed the man he loved, who was fidgeting as much as him and checked his watch regularly while scanning the station.

After a while, and Chanyeol admiring the sight of Baekhyun’s inability to stay put, all the while with a sweet smile across his lips and by wondering how in the world someone as amazing as Baekhyun could love him as much as him, their eyes met, Baekhyun’s features brightening as soon as he found him. Chanyeol walked towards him, probably too eagerly, and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s body, Baekhyun reciprocating the action without an ounce of hesitation. They exchanged a few greeting words while they were in each other’s arms, Chanyeol absolutely delighted to see him outside of their respective homes or work.

When they loosened their hold, Baekhyun noticed that a few people were staring, which made him stiffen a little bit. Chanyeol knew that Baekhyun was still uneasy about displaying their affection in public, so he kept a safe distance to prying eyes, smiling softly while rubbing Baekhyun’s arms in comfort. Baekhyun gazed warmly into his eyes and flashed a smile that made Chanyeol’s heart skip a beat.

“So what are your plans for the day? I’m ready to have the greatest date of my life.”

Baekhyun laughed, “You’ll see as the date will progress.”

Chanyeol whined but only to tease him. He couldn’t wait to know what kind of activities they would do and the surprise only increased his joy.

They exited the station, Chanyeol following Baekhyun’s lead. The air was especially cold today, the early February weather being merciless. It was one of the coldest days since the start of the season so far. Every pedestrian they crossed paths with were hidden in their winter wear and moving their legs when they were standing still to ease the cold that was shaking their bones to the core, the couple not being an exception. It wasn’t snowing, but a faint layer of snow covered the streets.

Baekhyun stopped when they were in front of one of the stairs that lead to the Cheonggyecheon pathway that crossed the middle of the city. He turned on his heels, facing Chanyeol, his smile faltering a little bit. “I should have seen the weather forecast before planning this part of the date, it’s too cold to stroll outside, don’t you think? We should head back to the station and-”

“I don’t mind, let’s follow your initial plan,” Chanyeol interrupted him at the sight of his restless gestures while apologising for his first idea.

Baekhyun stared, doubtful, “Are you sure? It’s freezing.”

Chanyeol spinned him around and pushed him towards the stairs, his hands lingering on his shoulders as he was urging him to go down the stairs that led to the pathway, “I am sure.”

Baekhyun laughed, “you won’t let me have the last word, huh?”

The tall man only grinned as they reached the Cheonggyecheon area that was covered in snow, the stream of water frozen. They started to walk, their arms brushing, and letting the sounds of the faint wind fill the silence between them, as well as the occasional laughter from the children playing with the little amount of snow with their families, the majority of them being tourists.

As they were strolling farther into the path, there were less people, probably taking shelter in the local cafes or warm restaurants. But the couple continued to walk in spite of their bodies freezing, no layer of clothes being enough to fully ease the cold. Chanyeol teased Baekhyun about his lack of will to walk outside since winter was his favourite season, the latter only lightly pushing him and justifying himself by saying that there was a difference between cold and freezing.

They joked around for next minutes while their hands were brushing, Baekhyun taking the initiative to link them together. Chanyeol looked at him, beaming. He had initiated their display of affection first in a public place, something he had done on rare occasions, aside from when they were at the bar, since the regulars were aware of their relationship as well as their friends. It was hard to miss actually; their unsubtle behaviour gave them away. Baekhyun would usually be hesitant because he was shy, but Chanyeol guessed that it wasn’t only because of it, but also because same sex relationships were not very welcomed here. Even though he knew that Baekhyun believed in their genuine feelings, he had the intuition he was still intimidated by the general pressure about the topic, unlike Chanyeol who couldn’t care less. So this action meant more than what could be seen on the surface. Chanyeol squeezed Baekhyun’s hand, put their linked hands in his coat’s pocket and ignored the looks the very few passers by were giving them, the trumpeter seemingly unfazed by it at that moment.

“If this homophobic country disapproves of our relationship, they can go fuck themselves, for all I care.”

Baekhyun snorted at his choice of words and tugged at his arm scoldingly. Chanyeol looked at him seriously, not even apologetic for his rudeness. Baekhyun didn’t comment on it and focused his attention at the frozen path in front of them, grinning.

“We could move to Canada or something. Their president seems more open minded.”

Baekhyun laughed at Chanyeol’s idea, “Or even France. I have heard that same sex marriage is legal there, or just Europe in general,” Baekhyun added, joining Chanyeol’s train of thoughts.

The tall man scrunched his face, “French is too complicated. An English speaking country would be better and easier.”

“What about the US then? The ‘land of the free’, as they say.”

“We all know it’s bullshit. Remember, the country voted for Trump. I’d rather stay here than live in the same country as that man. Forget it, we’ll stay here and anyone who will go against our relationship can fuck off. I am not ashamed of my sexuality,” he spoke with venom, the resentment about the society he despised emerging in him.

Chanyeol held Baekhyun’s hand firmly, pulling his body closer to his. The gesture calmed him down and he took a deep breath, not wanting his old grudges to ruin his mood on his first date. The smoke of cold air escaped his nose as he was exhaling, releasing the tension in his muscles, at least as much as he could, since the weather naturally stiffened his body. When he managed to ease his inner turmoil, he looked at the man he held feelings for that were only deepening. Baekhyun gazed into his boyfriend’s eyes that were looking at him with such fondness, he felt like the cold was decreasing in a heartbeat, replaced by the warmth the other man emanated.

Chanyeol’s stare wouldn’t falter one bit, and he could distinguish a blush creep in Baekhyun’s cheeks at the intense gaze. The smaller man bumped their shoulders in an attempt to gain his composure. “I would have never taken you for the romantic type. But I was sure that you were a softie deep down. I guess I was right.”

Chanyeol laughed, “That’s the Baekhyun effect.” He then leaned towards Baekhyun’s face to leave a soft, feathery kiss on the corner of his cheekbone. The tall man felt like kissing Baekhyun everywhere, to show the other people who were strolling around that they were proudly in a relationship and that their homophobic society was nothing but irrational and outdated.

Chanyeol felt great, walking by Baekhyun’s side, the cold weather not even bothering him anymore, and enjoying the lack of pedestrians as they kept walking further into the path at the heart of Seoul. None of them spoke for a moment, breathing the cold winter air that gave them chills but that was fought by their bodies’ warmth.

The couple strolled for a while in the Cheonggyecheon park until Baekhyun spotted a specific staircase that led to an exit. They climbed it and walked on a couple of small streets with their hands still linked, now swinging their arms back and forth and hiding under their scarves from the cold that seemed to only intensify with each step they took further into the city. After a short moment, they stopped in front of a hairdressing salon. Chanyeol was confused.

“What are we doing here? I didn’t know that a hairdressing salon what a hang out spot for couples,” he said playfully but with a hint of curiosity.

Baekhyun left the other man’s hand and pushed a lock of red, curly hair behind one of his ears that was bright red from the cold weather and that he didn’t bother covering with a beanie. The smaller man smiled softly while letting his hand caress tenderly the frozen ear as well as his scalp behind it.

“You told me not long ago that you wanted to dye your hair back to its natural colour, as a sign of a new start, a bright future, and turn the pages of your past. I think it would be the perfect time to do it. I would like to assist you in that moment.”

Chanyeol stared unbelievingly, completely taken off guard. He could notice that Baekhyun started to be nervous under his stare, unsure about his idea the longer they stayed silent, his hesitation that couldn’t be unnoticed by the way his eyes would flicker.

“Was it a bad idea? I should have figured-”

Chanyeol silenced him with a deep and slow kiss, pouring all his overflowing feelings into it. He delicately cupped Baekhyun’s cheeks, flushed their bodies against the other, and melted under Baekhyun’s warm cavern that welcomed him as soon as he registered the other’s action that he wasn’t expecting. Chanyeol was so lost into the wave of feelings crashing onto him, so engulfed into Baekhyun’s every word and thoughts, his every move, his entire soul that pulled him in and only made him addicted to the fervent feelings he held for the man, feelings he had never felt before and that were so strong that it rendered him absolutely powerless. Baekhyun was a true gift from the Gods and he had no idea how to deal with the amount of feelings the man triggered within him.

Their kiss didn’t last long, but their short pants by the intensity of it left clouds of cold smoke past their lips every time their mouths would leave space for air. When Chanyeol detached their lips, eyes half lidded, and stole a few pecks, Baekhyun left his own eyes closed, brushing their noses against the other, and received every single kiss while allowing his hands to grip Chanyeol’s back through his coat, in as much of a daze as the other man was.

“Baekhyun….Fuck.”

Chanyeol was battling against his body that was urging him to kiss him senseless again, completely ravaged by his feelings that kept intensifying, proving him that whenever he thought that he couldn’t fall deeper for the man, he was wrong. He hugged him closer, thanking the heavens that no one was walking by the deserted street, which allowed them to be more comfortable into their display of emotions. Baekhyun opened his eyes and stared straight into Chanyeol’s who was completely lost in it. Neither of them uttered a single word as they were gazing into each other’s eyes, no words in any language able to describe anything they were feeling or dying to convey at that moment.

A man passing by and clearing his throat while exiting the salon interrupted their intimate moment, making Baekhyun flinch a little bit and step aside to leave more space for the man, who was clearly disapproving their exchange, to leave the place and walk towards the main streets. This had seemed to pull the couple out of their swirl of affection. Chanyeol pulled Baekhyun’s chin in his direction and stole another quick peck on his lips.

“Baek, I can’t thank you enough for everything. This means so much to me. Please, accompany me in this step. I want you to stay by my side.”

Baekhyun smiled and nodded, delighted that Chanyeol approved of the first part of their date. The couple entered the salon and it didn’t take long for Chanyeol to sit on a chair and let the hairdresser dye his hair back to black, since Baekhyun had booked a reservation for the occasion.

Chanyeol couldn’t express his gratitude properly. Baekhyun knew what such a simple decision meant for him and to see him so invested into it, so supportive, was everything he could ask for. With his hair back to its natural colour, it meant a fresh start, a new life, a sort of motivation to continue to work on his flaws, to become the person he had always wished to be, to finally be at peace with his past, even though he still held pure resentment inside of him and that his mood swings were nothing but resolved, but at least it was a step, in one way or another. A step forward. Baekhyun was very patient with him, even though he had managed to keep his composure at bay most of the time since he wasn’t that much exposed to triggering situations. And he couldn’t be happier about that.

Throughout the whole process of taking care of Chanyeol’s hair, the couple would steal glances from time to time through the mirror’s reflection, Baekhyun beaming from proudness during the whole procedure, barely able to contain his wide grin. Chanyeol decided to keep his curls that he grew attached to way too much to straighten it back. It took a while for the appointment to be over, but Baekhyun stayed by his side the whole time, talking about everything and anything.

“You didn’t have to pay for it! It was my hair that was dyed, not yours!” Chanyeol scolded Baekhyun while they were walking towards their next destination, not taking at all the fact that he had paid for the appointment and plotted the whole thing so he would only learn about it when he was taking his wallet out. The sneaky bastard. The employee only brushed him away by saying that the bill was already taken care of, and since Baekhyun was the worst liar he had ever come across with, the smaller man couldn’t hide his smile that gave his plan away.

Just like that, they walked towards their next destination, braving the cold and not letting it disturb them. Chanyeol couldn’t wait to see what Baekhyun had planned for the rest of the date.

 

 

[Joe Pass - Satin Doll](https://youtu.be/iS1nD9HJczM)


	18. Chapter XV (Part II)

When they reached their next destination, which was a barbecue restaurant specialized in Samgyeopsal, Chanyeol felt like it couldn’t have been better; it was one of Chanyeol’s favourite dishes.

“Baek, I can’t believe you planned all of this.”

The said man smiled softly and guided him inside the restaurant. It was a place Chanyeol had never been before; it was small and cozy, very simple.

“It’s not a well known place, but it is always crowded. Since we’re still early and the restaurant barely opened, we won’t be stuck in the usual line.”

Chanyeol only nodded, grateful that they wouldn’t be surrounded by too many people and that they’ll have some space and privacy. A lady, with whom Baekhyun was visibly accustomed to, escorted them to their table and they took their seats, Baekhyun already notifying one of the waiters about their orders without even sparing a glance at the menu, sometimes sharing a few words with the employees who were happy to see one of their regular customers.

They both removed their coats and chatted animatedly while they were waiting for their orders, which was quite fast to arrive. The round grill was surrounded by slices of raw Samgyeopsal, accompanied by lettuce, kimchi, soy beans, potatoes and numerous other side dishes that all looked absolutely delicious. Baekhyun thanked the waiter before folding his sleeves up to his elbows and took the position of the chef for the evening. Chanyeol watched him with curiosity as he skillfully grilled the pieces of meat, occasionally stealing a few bites of kimchi and humming in appreciation while licking his lips that were faintly red from the chili paste.

“Why are you staring at me like that? I don’t think that watching me grill some meat is the most fascinating activity,” Baekhyun asked cheekily.

“I would gladly make it a hobby. You’re quite a sight, honestly.” Chanyeol’s retort made the other man crack a smile and chuckled quietly as he was glancing at him before resuming his task.

Truthfully, Baekhyun really was a beautiful sight; he was focused on his mission to grill the meat as perfectly as possible with a serious expression on, slightly frowning in concentration and his hands so skilled, as if he had done this a million times, like he could even cook the food blindfolded. And the way he would take a few bites of the side dishes as well while barely leaving his eyes off the meat was adorable. But maybe that was just Chanyeol being completely infatuated with him. It was probably the case.

After a while, Chanyeol realised that he hadn’t taken a single bite and that the meat was already half cooked. With his stomach voicing its hunger out loud, he took a piece of kimchi with his chopsticks and tasted it.

He held his breath, his eyes widening almost simultaneously.

Exquisite. The flavour was insane, fantastic. Chanyeol moaned as he was chewing it slowly even though he was dying to gobble it, taking his time to roll the kimchi over each one of his taste buds before gulping it. He hurriedly tasted the potatoes that were still hot, repeating the same process as the kimchi. Every side dish left his mouth watering and needing more. He had never tasted something so delicious in ages. He could cook quite well himself, but this was to another level. It had the loving touch of a mother with years of experience in its taste.

“Baek, what’s with this food? It’s heavenly!” he exclaimed, in complete bliss.

His lover chuckled at his reaction, “This restaurant is a hidden gem. Just wait to taste the Samgyeopsal; it’s even better.”

While Baekhyun cut the pieces of meat into smaller ones, Chanyeol practically devoured the entirety of the side dishes, calling the waiter for a refill, and also ordering a bottle of Soju, to which Baekhyun agreed to eagerly, even scolding himself for not thinking about it first. Soon enough, the meat was perfectly grilled and Chanyeol felt like he was in paradise. This restaurant was truly the work of some supreme being.

They were so focused in their meal for the entire evening that they barely exchanged a word; their conversation was mainly consisting of grunts of appreciation and small comments, such as ‘so good’, ‘holy shit’ and multiple ‘fuck’s, to Chanyeol’s lack of vocabulary to describe how amazing the food was. They took multiple servings and emptied their bottle of Soju in a record time. However, Chanyeol had the honour to pay for the bill this time, thanks to his constant whining and threats so he could make it so Baekhyun’s wallet wouldn’t leave his pocket.

Their next stop was something that was new to Chanyeol as well; a concert of a Big Band. It took place at a concert hall not too far from Hongdae, only a couple of minutes by walking apart. He was thrilled and absolutely fascinated the whole time. He was used to staying at the bar and assisting Baekhyun’s band performances and some other guests on their days off, or the students, but never once in his life had he seen such a performance. He couldn’t tear his eyes off them for the whole concert. That night, he truly felt like the musicians gifted him with something he couldn’t describe, something that was precious and priceless.

The band was exceptional. There were around fifteen musicians on stage; a section of trumpets, another of trombones, and one of saxophones. There was also a pianist, a bassist and a drummer. It was so dynamic, so expressive and raw. Chanyeol stood still the whole time, even though a third of their repertoire was fast and joyful and that his feet were itching to move. It was such a beautiful sight that he could only stare at the band, wide eyed, admiring the performers during their solos as well as their body language. If they were nervous, they didn’t show any sign of it. Every musician was relaxed, no matter how difficult the pieces they played were, and it also reflected on the audience who were having as much fun as the band on the stage. Every single note coming out of their instruments was so heart felt, held so much emotion, no matter which one it was.

There was no way that Chanyeol could explain the magic of the concert. There was no way he could describe the churning in his stomach, the constant goosebumps on his body, the agitated beating of his heart, the intense joy he felt while listening to the pieces that all lasted at least ten minutes but felt like three, his eyes that were teary eyed from time to time for unknown reasons, just in complete awe, and he certainly couldn’t describe the atmosphere of the concert hall. When the band would transition between the pieces, the brass musicians wetting their lips, blowing into their instruments and taking a few gulps from their water bottles next to them, the man who was their leader kept joking around with the crowd and the musicians, telling some puns and stories about some of the legends of the genre, as well as the meaning behind some of the pieces they performed.

When the concert ended, Chanyeol realised how much his distaste for jazz had diminished, all his hateful feelings now barely shadows at the back of his mind as pure love was replacing it. He could affirm it; he loved jazz. And his love for it kept growing even more. When half of the crowd had already left the venue, Chanyeol felt a hand massage his shoulder. He whipped his head towards the direction where the movement came from, breaking away from his state of daze, and locked eyes with Baekhyun for the first time since the concert had started. He was smiling, a small chuckle leaving his lips as he looked at him with amusement.

“Chan, are you alright? You’ve been spacing out for a while.”

Chanyeol put a hand on his lover’s thigh, stroking it gently while realising he hadn’t spared him a single glance for the whole time. They gazed into each other’s eyes silently, Baekhyun curious yet amused at Chanyeol’s strange behaviour.

“I am fine.” He looked around the hall and noticed that there were not many people left, “We should go before they forget us and lock us here.”

Baekhyun smiled, visibly unsure, but proceeded to do as Chanyeol suggested after trailing his hand in his curly black locks. They both got up from their seats and put their coats back on in order to face the cold that was even worse since it was night time. They decided to walk again since Baekhyun’s home wasn’t too far. Chanyeol was still fazed by the concert that he had just attended, shocked and amazed.

“Do you remember our first encounter at Cloud 9?” he asked Baekhyun, eyes focused on the road they were walking on and his voice shaking because of the cold.

Baekhyun laughed while bumping his shoulder against his, “Of course I do, you left quite a lasting impression.”

The tall man raised an eyebrow, surprised, “I did?”

Baekhyun nodded, “Oh yes, you did. It wasn’t a good impression, but still memorable, in your own way.”

Chanyeol watched as clouds caused by the cold escaped the smaller man’s lips while he was talking, his voice also trembling. Even though they would both be willing to arrive as soon as possible at Baekhyun’s to stay in warmth, they walked slowly, their conversation masked by the loud chatter coming from the many bars, restaurants and noraebangs of Hongdae. The young adults were up for some good time even though it was freezing, some of them probably not even feeling the cold by the amount of alcohol they visibly consumed.

“I remember something you told you me that night. It was about showing me what real jazz was, and you even mentioned something about jazz being fully real when performed, that its essence was during live performances. I think I understand what you meant, more than ever.”

Baekhyun listened closely, not lifting a finger to interrupt him.

“This concert was fantastic, Baek. I’ve never felt anything like this before. It was absolutely mesmerizing, so... magical. And so pleasant.”

“Not even with rock?”

His question took Chanyeol by surprise. He slowed his steps and looked at Baekhyun, not knowing how to respond to that. Did he feel similar sensations and emotions when he was playing rock music? Or while listening to his favourite artists? If it was the case, was it as strong and powerful as now? As amazing and real?

“You look like you’re having an existential crisis.”

Chanyeol snapped out of his train of thoughts and continued to walk by Baekhyun’s side while hearing his soft laughter, trying to ignore the cold and longing to reach his lover’s warm and cozy home. They continue to talk calmly while Chanyeol kept thinking about his last question that still had no answer.

“Hey, look who’s there! I almost didn’t recognise you with your hair like that, Chanyeol.”

The sound of a voice he knew too well and that he had no desire to hear again so soon made him stop in his track, with a confused Baekhyun who also stopped with eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Chanyeol gulped, his whole body tensing in a second. He wasn’t prepared for this kind of encounter.

“I see you still lack manners, not even looking at the people who are talking to you.”

Chanyeol cursed under his breath, his composure slowly crumbling. The man had the natural born talent to mess him up, and in the worst ways possible.

“People like you don’t deserve my respect anyway, Yifan.”

Only then, he looked sideways and saw the said man, standing by the door of a bar he used to be a regular at, smoking a cigarette with a few guys he couldn’t recognise. He was exactly the same as a few months ago when he last saw him after stealing his band away from him. Minus the cuts and bruises he had inflicted him. He wouldn’t mind doing it again.

A tugging at his arm saved him from his inner turmoil that was skyrocketing when he felt the soothing presence of his boyfriend next to him, not speaking a word, but silently asking about the awkward situation with his gaze. Chanyeol cracked a small smile, even though it wasn’t truly reaching his eyes. Baekhyun could sense his discomfort, as usual, and was about to say something when the other man interrupted him.

“How have you been doing, Chanyeol?” The question held a kind of curiosity, but mostly mischief.

“I’ve been doing fine. I’ve never been better.”

Yifan smirked, “I’m glad you do. We’ve been doing well too. We’re playing later tonight, you should come and see us. Taking Minho in with us was the best decision the band has ever taken.”

Next to the drummer stood one of the men he couldn’t recognise earlier. His memory progressively cleared up when he slowly took his appearance in, finally putting the pieces back together and noticing that it was Minho, looking extremely different from the time he met him. Chanyeol scoffed while scrutinizing the man who replaced him, “Right, as if it was a mutual decision in the first place.” He chuckled more loudly now, “But I agree with you; it was the best decision. I don’t regret leaving you guys in any way.”

“Still full of yourself, I see. Mind introducing your friend to us, then?”

The guitarist grinned, into the mood of teasing the little shit in front of him, “I won’t. Definitely not. You should just get inside and annoy someone else, take some weed or something. We are busy and have a place to go to.”

Yifan wasn’t fazed by his sly remark, eyeing Baekhyun up and down, “A nice piece of ass you got there.” He whistled, “He’s one of the guys that always hangs out in that lame jazz bar, right? The one we saw you cling around with months ago. He must be great in bed for you to stick with him for so long.”

Chanyeol could manage Yifan playing around with him for as long as he wanted, but involving Baekhyun in this was dangerous territory. He could already feel his ragged breathing and his blood starting to boil in his veins, red filling his vision progressively. At that moment, he realised how much he hated the feeling of anger, how much he didn’t miss it one bit. And now it was attacking him with full force, any previous signs of peacefulness thrown out the window.

“I knew you liked men, but I didn’t think you liked gay sex that much.”

“Quite ironic, since you’ve had your own share of gay pleasure too. Don’t think I haven’t caught you doing or receiving a quickie in the bathroom stalls or heard you at Tao’s parties. Don’t you dare throw shade on me when you’re doing the exact same thing,” Chanyeol retorted back with energy, his fists clenched.

Yifan laughed, hitting Minho in the process and gesturing wildly with his cigarette that was burning in his hand, finding the ordeal extremely funny. “You’re as funny as ever, Chanyeol.”

If sounds could have tastes, Yifan’s laugh would be poison at that moment. Chanyeol was so infuriated by his lack of respect towards the man he loved, he could barely keep himself from punching the fuck out of the drummer he had once considered a friend. How crazy was he at that time to be completely blind? Was Yifan always that unpleasant and rude?

Baekhyun scooted closer to him and rubbed his back, “Chan, let’s go. We should just leave them be, it’s not-”

“Forget it, just go and fuck your boy toy, we’ll manage to give the best show of our life without you, just like we’ve been doing ever since we kicked you out.”

“You mother fucker-”

Thirty minutes later, the two lovers were in Baekhyun’s bathroom, Chanyeol standing in front of his boyfriend and wincing in pain as Baekhyun was cleaning his bloody cuts after the guitarist had lashed out on the other man.

Baekhyun’s touches on his skin and the bloody tissues around the sink made him feel dirty and guilty. He hated himself for not having been able to control his urges, his instincts that had always primed over his lucid senses and that had always led him to disappointment and regret, like now. He hated himself for stepping backwards, once again. After all, dyeing his hair was not a miracle solution to his problems and habits that were so deeply rooted in him. It just proved him wrong when he was convinced he was capable of improving.

When Baekhyun finished cleaning his wounds and putting bandages on it, Chanyeol trailed his finger on Baekhyun’s swollen cheek that had received a blow while he was separating the two men in the middle of their fight, letting the same hand travel along a cut just over his left eyebrow. Baekhyun winced a little bit, making Chanyeol retreat his hand, apologetic. None of them uttered a word as they cleaned up the mess in the bathroom. When it was done, they headed towards Baekhyun’s room and Chanyeol flopped on the bed, his back hitting the mattress while the previous events replayed in his mind, even physically feeling the sensation of his fist against Yifan’s face and Baekhyun’s arms restraining him with force. Tears welling in his eyes were threatening to spill and he let them be, let them wash over his sins and tell him how much he had messed up. He was so engrossed into his guilt conversation with himself that he didn’t hear Baekhyun enter the room and place a glass of water by the bed.

“Here, take it. You should drink a little bit.”

Chanyeol wiped his tear stained face and straightened up, letting his back rest on the headrest of the furniture. He took the cup and gobbled it down in one go, emptying its content before putting the cup back where it was. Baekhyun shifted and sat on his lap, facing him. The smaller man cupped his bruised face and caressed it tenderly, his thumbs brushing the injured skin soothingly, letting his fingertips stroke his scalp and the back of his neck. Chanyeol locked eyes with him, his vision partially blurred by unshed tears.

“Baek, I’m so sorry. I completely messed up, I thought that I had changed the past months and that I was getting better. I thought that I was ready, I thought that-”

Baekhyun pecked his forehead, surprising him and silencing him at the same time. But when he continued to give small and gentle kisses on his eyebrows, his cheeks, his nose and each one of his bruises, Chanyeol let his cries out and mumbled his pathetic excuses and guilt he couldn’t keep for himself anymore. With each one of Baekhyun’s pecks, he sobbed harder, and gripped Baekhyun’s shirt, his whole body shaking under Baekhyun’s body straddling his lap, his words barely understandable as he kept mumbling endlessly.

They stayed like this for a few minutes, for probably shorter than what it felt like, the long minutes being torture for Chanyeol who felt like his heart was ripping apart, afraid of having disappointed Baekhyun again, afraid of having his look of pity like the one time he had found him practicing ‘Born To Be Blue’ alone at the bar. When he had calmed down, his hands now resting on Baekhyun’s hips and the other man still sitting on his lap, he managed to regulate his breathing and to regain his senses, almost ashamed for lashing out in this way. Again. When would he learn?

“I love you.”

Chanyeol’s breath hitched.

“I love you so much, Chanyeol. You can’t imagine to which extent.”

While he was avoiding his gaze the whole time, he looked into his boyfriend’s eyes for the first time since he had started to cry, and his heart stopped at the sight; Baekhyun was looking at him so warmly, so caringly. He was even smiling while wiping the dried tears on his skin. He was even...proud?

“How can you look at me like that? Fuck, I messed everything up, I-”

“You stopped when I was able to pull you, you didn’t even flinch when he insulted you, you stayed protectively in front of me and didn’t even fight back when he accidentally punched me while I was restraining you. Chanyeol, you did more than you think.”

“No, I didn’t! I felt like shit, I felt like ripping his throat out, like making a bloody mess with his body because of the way he looked at you, like you were some sort of slut I used for sex, while it’s not the case at all! Baekhyun, I would never use you or anyone in this way, I would never-”

“But you didn’t. You didn’t do any of it.”

Chanyeol raised his voice, his desperation growing with every word, “I didn’t because you were there, if you wouldn’t have been there, I would have done it without even thinking about it twice! If I would have been by myself, I would have done even worse! When will I learn to control myself without anyone’s help? I am relying on you way too much. I feel like a child unable to walk on his own feet.”

“It is totally normal, Chanyeol! We are humans, we live in communities, we are not meant to be alone, in any way. We are born to be with others, to learn from each other, to help each other in times of need, and you are still learning, you are still getting a grip on your habits you’ve had for more than ten years, Chan, and there is no way anyone in your position would have done it in another way.”

Chanyeol stared, dumbfounded.

“A few months ago, would you have let me take you away from him? Would you have let me touch you in the middle of the fight and pull you out? Would you have retreated even though he was screaming profanities at you when we were walking off?”

The tall man stared at him with wide eyes, registering the fact that Baekhyun was so calm yet firm. His words held so much confidence and trust, he could barely believe a man like him had faith in him in a way he could never do towards himself.

“Answer me, Chan. Would you?”

“No,” it was a whisper, a very tiny and faint whisper that was caught in his throat, but still an answer.

Baekhyun smiled and caressed his neck, “Then that’s improvement. And you’ll do even better next time.”

“Next time?! You want me to go there again and confront him to see my reactions?”

“No! I am saying that it won’t be the last time you’ll have to face similar situations, ones that trigger your flaws, that will test your growth. This was a wake up call, it was hurtful, but learning through pain is the most gratifying way to improve. Trust me, I know it very well.”

Chanyeol knew that he was right. He knew it deep down, but it was so hard to admit it, so hard to accept it. It was a fate he had brought upon himself, and he would have to deal with it.

“If I have to go through this with you, then I will face it.”

Baekhyun was radiating so much fondness at that moment, so much love, Chanyeol was completely mesmerized by him. He let himself relax under his touch, let the other man’s fingertips brush his skin like it was the most precious thing he had laid his hands on, the same way he brushed the keys of the piano when he was playing, the same raw emotion sparkling at their contact.

“I will never understand how someone like you can love me. Is it even possible? Are you sure I am not caught in a dream? That I won’t wake up one day, in an empty home, freezing without any human warmth, thrown by myself in this cruel world?”

“If you don’t believe me, let me show it to you.”

Taking Chanyeol off guard, Baekhyun closed their distance and connected their lips together, moving his lips against his slowly, almost too gently, as if any harsh movement would break him apart. Chanyeol was an emotional mess, having gone through countless states of mind in a matter of a few hours, but his awful bitterness was washed away by Baekhyun’s tongue coaxing his, entering his cavern cautiously and clearing away every ounce of doubt and uncertainty he had been feeding with his guilt and other atrocious feelings.

Chanyeol deepened the kiss, accepting Baekhyun’s offer, and caressed his tongue back, pulling their bodies closer and resting his hands on his lower back. Being in his arms had never felt so right, sensing Baekhyun’s love through his touches, and his mouth had never felt so satisfying, so real and comforting. He felt exactly the same way as when they had first kissed and spent their first intimate night at the exact same place, on the exact same bed, but this time felt even better, even stronger.

They had been through a lot, so much in a short amount of time, and ever since they had started to date and officially be a couple, they had been through even more experiences, and their bond had never been as strong. Baekhyun showed him that he trusted him even though he still made mistakes, even though he was still a mess. Baekhyun proved him that he cared for him as much as he did. He could feel it in their passionate kiss, he could feel all his feelings into it, and he was delighted.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun whispered when they broke their kiss, pecking him gently, “You are wonderful, truly wonderful.”

Baekhyun deeply gazed into his eyes, caressing his hair and molding their bodies together. Baekhyun, still straddling Chanyeol’s lap, continuously murmured some sweet and comforting words, expressing his most sincere feelings before kissing him passionately, allowing Chanyeol to roam his hands on his back and his hair, gripping some strands and reciprocating his profound emotions. Their tongues met continuously, their bodies moved naturally, setting free their instincts and allowing themselves to melt into each other’s presence. He let Baekhyun take the reins and shower him with love through all his touches and his kisses while he embraced him as strongly as he could, saying how much he loved him and letting Baekhyun’s actions heal his inner wounds.

 

 

[Joe Henderson - Recorda-Me](https://youtu.be/4LVLkO2sl7I)


	19. [M] Chapter XV (Part III)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this chapter is an optional one for those who are uncomfortable reading smut. Just like the second part of the 11th chapter, this one is a separate part that is meant to add morr depth to the story and the couple's relationship development, but the story still keeps all its sense and meaning without this chapter for those who aren't smut readers. You are free to skip it or read it.

Chanyeol’s hands were slowly massaging Baekhyun’s sides as they were both out of breath, eyes closed and faces brushing against the other while Baekhyun was stealing a few pecks. The latter’s hands softly cupped Chanyeol’s cheeks and trailed down, his fingertips avoiding the cuts, before settling on the other man’s shoulders, rubbing circles with his thumbs. Chanyeol was still feeling a little bit shaken by his guilt and shame, but he couldn’t help but be swayed by his boyfriend’s endless caring actions, brushing away his deepest sorrow and regret with each one of his touches and kisses.

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun whispered almost in a prayer, their mouths gently moving against each other.

The taller man slowly opened his eyes to be greeted by a pair of eyes gazing at him, slightly lidded. Baekhyun traced his hands over Chanyeol’s arms before taking his hands and placing them on the smaller man’s face, caressing the back of his hands while keeping them in place and never breaking their gazes. Chanyeol stared deeply into his expressive eyes, mesmerized.

“I love you. I genuinely love you, for who you are right now and for the person you’ll be in the future. I wish you could see how incredible you already are.”

Baekhyun momentarily directed his eyes away while he kissed Chanyeol’s fingers, only to look at him again while still stroking his hands that were warmly cupping his face. His eyes were full of emotions and confidence, full of love and care, incredible trust and kindness. Chanyeol was progressively feeling as if Baekhyun’s whole being was enveloping him, caging him and overpowering his senses. He allowed himself to completely drown in his eyes, captivated. He felt tears prickling again at the corner of his eyes and fought them back, moved and at a loss of words. Baekhyun even managed to convince him that he wasn’t as bad he believed he was. He made him want to give himself another chance to prove himself, to maybe someday have the strength to love and trust himself as much as he did for Baekhyun.

Chanyeol couldn’t contain a falling tear as he truly felt loved, that he was actually worth it. Baekhyun wiped it and gently kissed his lips, Chanyeol moving them along with him and pulling Baekhyun’s body closer to his, his heart beating incredibly fast and loudly resonating in his ears, pulsating wildly in his whole body. Their tongues eventually met, deeply caressing each other as they trailed their hands over their bodies, needing to feel each other’s touches, wanting nothing else than to convey their purest emotions and passion. They continued to kiss tenderly for a while, the two men bathing in each other’s feelings and showering each other with all the love they possessed, savouring their moment of intimacy.

Their kisses that were bearing all their affection progressively deepend even more, other emotions and cravings lashing out while their previous steady rhythm accelerated, their tongues fervently lavishing each other with more urge with each of their licks, their body temperature rising quickly, at the same pace as their heart rate. The lewd sound of their tongues meeting echoing in the room only intensified the fire burning inside of them and the yearning to convey their feelings way more, beyond their kisses, their endless caresses never being enough. They caught their breaths when Baekhyun accidentally brushed one of Chanyeol’s cuts, making him wince, the smaller man instantly apologizing while moving his face back. Chanyeol pulled his face towards his instead and kissed the cut above his eyebrow before biting Baekhyun’s earlobe and sucking it slowly as he didn’t pay attention to the slight pain his injuries brought him, his desires taking over his senses and directing his actions. Baekhyun’s hands gripped his freshly dyed hair as a response before wandering over his back, chest heaving against his and ragged breathing pouring directly into his ears. Chanyeol could feel Baekhyun’s cock hardening against his abdomen, his own erection showing no sign of retreatment either as he continued to tease Baekhyun’s earlobe and was rewarded by his particularly inviting and seducing groans.

While Baekhyun had stated when they started to date that he had never been the kind of person to be sexually attracted or active that much, that he had his needs but didn’t always feel the need to have sex with his past girlfriends, he was more and more touchy with Chanyeol, progressively welcoming their sexual exchanges and thoroughly enjoying them. He even said once as a joke that he was ‘Chanyeol-sexual’, since he had managed to awaken this side of him he was developing and that he didn’t feel towards anyone else. And he absolutely loved how receptive Baekhyun was becoming throughout their countless intimate moments. It even turned out that Baekhyun was naturally very sensitive, which explained how overwhelmed he was during their first experience of that nature. In the meantime, they had explored each other’s body further, tested their limits and pushed their boundaries each time, and the smaller man was quite willing. Chanyeol especially loved when Baekhyun was a little bit bold like at that moment, not shy about voicing his pleasure or his wishes, sometimes taking control and guiding Chanyeol so he would do what he wanted, when he would let his hands roam on his entire body or hum in appreciation. Chanyeol also took a great liking to tease his weakest spots and observe his reactions that immensely turned him on.

It didn’t take long for the two men to start feeling hot in their warm clothes, Baekhyun’s skin already covered by a thin layer of sweat. The smaller man suddenly shifted on his lap, wrapping his legs around Chanyeol’s waist, which pulled their bodies even closer, their foreheads against the other. Chanyeol’s hand caressed his nape while the other found his hips, barely staying there as he trailed his fingers under his sweater, lifting the material as he was slowly going up, tracing his spine, his touch as soft as a feather while he enjoyed the sensation of Baekhyun’s body quivering at the contact of his back with the air of the room and his calloused hands gently gracing his bare skin. Chanyeol could even feel Baekhyun’s heart beating animatedly against his chest, his breathing unstable. Chanyeol put more pressure with his hand, his palm stroking his back as he massaged it carefully and the other threading a few locks on his nape that was a little bit wet, encouraged by Baekhyun’s hums of appreciation and his silent gasps at the treatment he was receiving, clutching Chanyeol’s sweater.

“Do you like it?”

Baekhyun mouthed an almost inaudible ‘yes’ and asked him to continue, lost into the feelings brought by the warm touches on his skin. Chanyeol knew perfectly well that he loved his hands, and he took it to his advantage while his lover was at his mercy and highly receptive. He continued to massage Baekhyun’s back for a while, the smaller man’s muscles relaxing under his palms and his eyes closing by themselves in comfort. Baekhyun’s hums progressively turned into low moans while Chanyeol was working on his back, sensually fondling all the uncovered skin and insisting on his most sensitive spots. His arousal increased with each one of his lover’s sounds, his composure decreasing with each stroke of his hand on his back.

He started to rub Baekhyun’s nape and the back of his head in slow circular motions, the latter’s head unconsciously leaning to the touch as he let a shaky breath out. The other hand on his back went down until it reached the base of his spine, his fingers expertly massaging and tracing his sacrum bone. He felt a shiver run down Baekhyun’s spine when he progressively added more strength to his touches, Baekhyun’s breath becoming shaky while a few moans escaped his lips. Chanyeol then gently released his hold on his lover only to unbutton his pants. While he was doing so, Baekhyun quickly removed his sweater in frustration, as well as Chanyeol’s, before leaning closer to his body, Baekhyun’s hands stroking Chanyeol’s ribcage, pulling their bodies even closer and connecting their foreheads again, mouth hovering over each other. Both of their lips were parted, hot breath fanning each other’s faces, while Chanyeol slid both of his hands underneath Baekhyun’s pants and briefs and proceeded on groping his ass cheeks. Baekhyun’s breaths became louder and more laboured as Chanyeol fondled his ass, his hands dangerously close to his hole, gently brushing it. Baekhyun’s head tilted back when Chanyeol’s erection put some additional maddening pressure over it as it was directly poking his ass. He grasped the opportunity and dragged his tongue over Baekhyun’s exposed throat before sucking it. A deep moan escaped Chanyeol’s lips when he felt Baekhyun’s hips buckle instinctively, seeking, or rather asking for more.

Baekhyun, on the other hand, was insanely aroused. He didn’t know what exactly made him so addicted to Chanyeol’s touches, but it was driving him absolutely insane whenever he put his hands or his lips on him. There was just something so pleasant about the way he fondled his skin, about how caring he was yet didn’t hold back to use more force, to put the exact amount of pressure he loved the most. Chanyeol seemed to know how to rile him up in the smallest ways and there was no way he could control himself. He clearly remembered how embarrassed he was the first times they jerked themselves off after their first night in each other’s company; he could barely keep from coming too quickly a few times, hypersensitive in the best ways to each and every touches and kisses of his boyfriend. Chanyeol’s experience showed and he felt very shy at first, but Chanyeol kept encouraging him and he eventually gained more confidence, enjoying exploring Chanyeol’s body as much as the other way around. He was feeling unprecedented enormous sexual pleasure with him and he wasn’t complaining.

While Chanyeol was claiming his neck, Baekhyun’s head started to feel dizzy and extremely hot from his arousal that was already over the roof. No matter how many times the couple had shared intimate moments, tried a few tricks, and that Baekhyun got accustomed to Chanyeol’s sexual drive, which made him realise that his own wasn’t doing anything but increase as well, he never got used to the effect Chanyeol had on him. The feeling of Chanyeol’s erection against his ass, the friction of his own cock rubbing on Chanyeol’s abdomen and the tall man’s hands massaging his ass with the perfect amount of strength was unbearable. When Chanyeol detached his mouth from his skin, Baekhyun eagerly locked their lips, initiating an open mouthed kiss, his hands touching every part of Chanyeol’s skin he could, his body as alluring as the first time he had touched it.

And Chanyeol enjoyed their current exchanges as strongly. He kissed him back without hesitation, getting drunk with the way Baekhyun’s tongue hungrily caressed his, loving the effect he had on him and seeing him so aroused and yearning for more. Chanyeol couldn’t cope with the tension skyrocketing so he removed one of his hands from Baekhyun’s butt and found his boyfriend’s hard crotch instead. He started palming him through the fabric, his other hand settling on Baekhyun’s butt crack, slowly sliding his finger in between the cheeks to spread them and teasingly probe at his hole. Baekhyun couldn’t contain a loud moan from the sudden action, making Chanyeol’s cock twitch as a response as he was getting seriously riled up. Baekhyun pressed his body impossibly closer to Chanyeol’s, his hips bucking against the hand palming him as he was quickly getting fully erected, breathing his lover’s name out as he broke their kiss, unable to do anything else than focus on the overwhelming sensations he was assaulted with. After Chanyeol gave a few well aimed brushes of his fingers over his asshole, ones he knew would drive Baekhyun crazy, the smaller man entangled his legs from around his lover’s waist.

“Could you wait for a second?” he asked, breathless, while his hands trailed over Chanyeol’s arms. Chanyeol nuzzled his neck and flicked his tongue over his skin before humming, confused but still agreeing. Baekhyun got up from the bed and left him in the room alone, the air around him blazing hot while he caught his breath. He shifted on the bed and sat at its end, taken aback by Baekhyun’s sudden attitude. He could hear some faint rattling in the distance and wondered what he was doing.

“Baek, are you alright?” Chanyeol asked, worried about what was taking him so long.

His question was left unanswered and the seconds kept passing by, the wait being heavy and alarming him. When he was preparing to get up and find him, Baekhyun entered the room again while closing the door, his pants, unzipped, and underwear slightly pulled down, probably from Chanyeol’s fondling earlier, which exposed his v line and the outline of his hard cock. Chanyeol groaned at the sight. When Baekhyun settled in front of him, Chanyeol saw what the fuss was about; he was holding a bottle of lube. Chanyeol stared at it for a while, wondering when Baekhyun would have bought one, since he didn’t seem to have any for the past month, and while directing his eyes towards Baekhyun’s confident gaze, clouded with strong desire and love, he understood what he meant. He felt the rush of blood circulating faster in his veins. Baekhyun stood in between Chanyeol’s legs, the latter holding his waist in return and pulling him closer, eyes as wide as could be. Baekhyun handed the freshly bought bottle of lube to him, which he took hesitantly before staring at him.

“Does it mean...? Are you telling me that-”

Baekhyun nodded, eyes never leaving his, cupped his cheeks and locked their lips in a slow and languish manner, the kiss so dirty and sensual that Chanyeol was caught off guard by the bold movement, probably the boldest one he had made so far. While they had their share of intimate moments together, they had yet to have sex, Chanyeol never crossing that limit even though he was dying for it to happen. And now, Baekhyun had bought a bottle of lube himself without him knowing, gave it to him and was practically begging him with his eyes alone to do it. He couldn’t believe it. “You don’t have to hold back this time. I’m sorry you had to wait so long to finally reach that point,” Baekhyun said when they pulled away.

Chanyeol gripped his waist harder and pulled him strongly towards him, making Baekhyun stumble and steady himself with his hands on his shoulders so he wouldn’t fall on him. Chanyeol could feel his restrain crumble like power, his primal instincts violently hitting him, “Are you sure?” he asked tentatively, voice hoarse, before he would totally lose it. After blindly putting the bottle of lube on the bedside table, his hands dangerously slid underneath Baekhyun’s briefs, getting more and more excited. Baekhyun responded by dragging his tongue over Chanyeol’s lower lip before making its way in his mouth and finding the other man’s tongue. Chanyeol urgently cooperated and pulled Baekhyun’s pants down, their kiss void of any rhythm; needy and instinctive.

Baekhyun’s hands circled his lover’s neck when his cock was freed, sighing in relief as the suffocating enclosure left his body, before deepening the kiss, conveying the intensity of his feelings. Chanyeol groped Baekhyun’s ass strongly, eliciting a breathy groan from the latter, their mouths detaching each other for a moment while Baekhyun slightly tilted his head back. Chanyeol had a perfect view on his chest in the position they were in, so he took the opportunity to drag his tongue over one of his lover’s nipples before passionately sucking it. Baekhyun’s whole body trembled, which pushed him to continue, encouraged by the moans spilling out of Baekhyun’s mouth and the strong grip on his hair. Chanyeol then momentarily detached his mouth from Baekhyun’s nipple while he got up from the bed and pulled Baekhyun on it, the smaller man completely naked as Chanyeol lay down on him before proceeding on licking his nipples again, leaving a trail of saliva on his skin as he explored his chest for the hundredth time with it, tasting his sweat and rejoicing the feeling of Baekhyun’s chest heaving wildly, his already leaking cock rubbing against Chanyeol’s bare torso. He gripped his sides possessively when he felt Baekhyun’s hands find his pants and unbutton it. Chanyeol quickly got rid of his remaining clothes and thoughtlessly threw them on the ground.

Chanyeol could barely understand it; it wasn’t the first time he saw Baekhyun completely naked, it wasn’t the first time he tasted his body, raked his hands over its entirety, took in the shape of all his curves he loved under his palms, kissed his skin until red splotches were covering it, yet it was always as alluring as the first time, if not even more. The mere contact of Baekhyun’s body with his was incredibly arousing; from the sight of it to his reactions, his hypersensitivity and cries of pleasure, everything had the power to drive him mad and make him lose his sanity in a second. However, that night held something more profound than that. He wasn’t sure how, but while he could practically feel and see the raw lust oozing out of Baekhyun’s whole being, it was also bathing in pure resignation and trust. Unlike their first night they spent together or all their other intimate moments, Baekhyun was completely open, revealing himself to Chanyeol to another level. He couldn’t understand how the other man managed to do that, but Chanyeol could feel him unveiling not only his body, but his soul. He wasn’t holding back at all when Chanyeol’s hands touched a sensitive spot, voicing how good it made him feel without an ounce of shyness or hesitation. He wasn’t holding back when Chanyeol started stroking his cock, eyes closing by themselves, drown in pleasure, comfort, even, shamelessly giving in to him. The way Baekhyun’s sweaty body twisted and moved under the sensations brought to him in such a beautiful way, his strong yet gentle grip on Chanyeol’s body to steady himself or simply hang onto something, anything, his velvety voice that was straightforward and blunt; Baekhyun was revealing himself as the man he was, the person he was. Baekhyun was completely bare; physically and emotionally, and Chanyeol couldn’t contain the intensity of his feelings for the man under him at the sight of him trusting him to such extent.

Chanyeol could distinctly hear his heart beating in his chest erratically, from pure excitement and awe. While he was stroking his lover’s dick, his hands sliding naturally over the length while spreading his precum over its entirety, Chanyeol’s hot breath fanned Baekhyun’s collarbone before his mouth hovered over the base of his neck, kissing it before biting the skin. A spark of strong arousal shot through him like an electric shock when Baekhyun thrust into his hand, his hips bucking repeatedly as his eyes were closed, facial expression absolutely beautiful with his mouth hung open, pleasure evident in his features. Chanyeol’s eyes closed too while he let Baekhyun thrust into his hand, getting lost into the smaller man’s incessant moans and grunts as he left numerous love bites on his skin, even claiming a few spots that were still bruised from some heated sessions of a few days back. He stopped stroking Baekhyun’s cock when he felt him tremble under him, not wanting him to have his release yet.

Baekhyun was completely drunk over Chanyeol’s wild aura surrounding him and directing his actions. Chanyeol had always had this energy to him, something almost primal, but real and honest, and it was always fascinating to him. And he somehow managed to convey those instincts to him, making Baekhyun immerse himself into his own needs that were lashed out. When Chanyeol’s hand left his cock, he took a moment to catch his breath, grateful that he hadn’t found his release yet. Chanyeol’s hand caressed his back, his fingers digging into his inflamed skin while the taller man sat down, Baekhyun spreading his legs so he could settle in between them more comfortably. At that moment, Baekhyun wrapped his hand around Chanyeol’s shaft, giving it a few pumps before setting a pace and stroking him harder. He couldn’t contain the shivers crawling up his spine when he took in his boyfriend’s ragged breaths or when he caught a glimpse of his head slightly tilting back when his hands stroked Chanyeol’s pulsating cock, satisfied that he could also pleasure him, although he was sure that it was nowhere compared to how he felt himself.

While Baekhyun was giving his last strokes along Chanyeol’s length, the latter took the bottle of lube and uncapped it, making a loud ‘pop’ resonate in the room. This seemed to have taken Baekhyun out of his daze since his eyes snapped open and his gaze focused on Chanyeol’s hands coating his fingers with the substance. Their eyes locked and Chanyeol bent down, gaze soft yet filled with pure desire. He kissed Baekhyun’s lips shortly before pecking him a couple of more times, Baekhyun’s hands hugging his frame and fondling his back, settling on his ass before trailing his hands from the base of his spine to his nape, breathing Chanyeol’s name out with affection before deepening their kiss. Chanyeol held his boyfriend’s hips as he was pulled into the intensity of their kiss, the contact of his lubed hand with Baekhyun’s hipbone making the latter shiver at the substance’s temperature not matching their bodies’. Both of their hips bucked simultaneously, grinding their crotches together, the couple groaning into their kiss, tongues moving wildly and lovingly. Chanyeol then parted their mouths, positioned himself in front of Baekhyun’s hard cock and dragged his tongue over his thighs, sometimes teasing his sensitive skin with his lips, other times harshly sucking on it and leaving a few love bites. Baekhyun spread his legs as widely as he could manage in anticipation.

Chanyeol massaged Baekhyun’s hole soothingly before inserting a first finger inside, slowly going past his rim. Baekhyun squirmed a little bit at the intrusion, but soon relaxed when Chanyeol gently stretched him. After a moment, the taller man slid a second finger inside of him, his other hand massaging Baekhyun’s testicle. It wasn’t long before he started to scissor him, Baekhyun taking it particularly well.

Baekhyun was weirded out when Chanyeol fingered him for the first time shortly after they started dating. It hurt quite a lot the first few times during their experiments, and Chanyeol had been especially patient with him and didn’t push him too much past his limits, but Baekhyun had warmed up to it fast. He was actually grateful at that moment that Chanyeol had initiated him to it beforehand or else he didn’t know how his experience with him would have been as they were about to go all the way. And now that Chanyeol was stretching him more thoroughly, adding a third finger when he deemed Baekhyun ready for it, the latter squirmed on the bed before letting out laboured breaths and moans, starting to be overwhelmed by all the sensations brought to him. It wasn’t their first time being so intimate, but it was holding more intensity than the the past ones and Baekhyun was absolutely relishing it.

On the other hand, Chanyeol watched his boyfriend with hooded eyes as he massaged his hole and stretched it as much as he could, breathing heavily. He curled his lubed fingers and eventually found Baekhyun’s prostate, rewarded by a louder moan than the previous ones. Baekhyun gripped the sheets under him and closed his eyes in bliss, cock threatening to spill its semen in pleasure while Chanyeol took advantage of the situation and massaged his prostate after locating it, exerting more and more pressure with each caress. Chanyeol was getting high over Baekhyun’s every sound, his own crotch impatient with every cries obscenely rolling off Baekhyun’s tongue.

Chanyeol then removed his fingers from the smaller man’s hole after a while before laying on top of him, intertwining their hands and locking their mouths for another heated waltz, any rhythm lost as soon as their tongues met. It was cut short quickly when Baekhyun struggled to catch his composure, their faces close while Chanyeol was chasing Baekhyun’s breaths and admiring his colourful and sensual expressions. Baekhyun squeezed Chanyeol’s hands before freeing one of his own, settling in on the latter’s wet nape and grabbing his hair, pulling his head closer to his and initiated another kiss, mouths numb and tired, but not giving it a care.

There was something about their naked bodies, shamelessly exposed and drowning in pleasure, something about it that made them feel so much closer, so linked. There was something about the way their tongues grazed each other’s, about their hands roaming everywhere, about their incessant grunts and moans, about their bodies covered in hot, trickling sweat that turned them on so much. There was something about their shared, hungry and loving gazes, something about their receptiveness, their passionate kisses that made them believe that nothing could have been more right than this at this moment.

There was something about the way the two men gave their bodies to each other that made them feel what true love was and what making love meant. And they would give their all to it.

When they broke their kiss to breathe yet again, Chanyeol hummed in appreciation and sat up again, his hands never leaving his lover’s body, his fingertips traveling along Baekhyun’s spine and making the latter arch it. When he was fully sat in between Baekhyun's legs, he grabbed the bottle of lube and put a generous amount of it on his cock, coating it with the substance as he was giving his shaft a couple of pumps and aligning the tip of his hard and throbbing cock with Baekhyun’s entrance. He wetted his lips in apprehension, waiting for Baekhyun to give him any sign that he was ready to receive his length. When he nodded, Chanyeol spread his precum mixed with the lube one last time over his cock before diving in slowly. He was instantly welcomed by Baekhyun’s wet and warm hole, stretched enough so his dick was sliding in without much difficulty despite it being the first time. Baekhyun trembled under the new sensation and closed his eyes as discomfort and pain was eclipsing the previous pleasure, Chanyeol’s cock not coming close to how his fingers felt inside of him. Chanyeol let his cock enter his hole until it was fully in and stopped moving further, his lover’s walls hugging him so tightly he growled lowly at the delirius feeling alone. He couldn’t remember the last time he had sex while being sober or lucid enough to be aware of every sensation; it was delicious, Baekhyun was delicious.

On the other hand, said man was breathing heavily, gripping Chanyeol’s back with full force while he was waiting for the pain to ease down, his hands strongly hugging Chanyeol’s back as the tall man leaned his upper body down, apologizing when the movement made Baekhyun flinch. He could feel Chanyeol’s concern through the peppered kisses he was receiving from him all over his face. But he kept his eyes shut, letting the man he loved reassure him through his kisses and his touches, trying to focus as much as possible on other things than the hard and thick length in his hole, and giving his attention to the warm hands caressing his skin in a soothing manner, caring and gentle despite the eagerness behind the other man’s breath above him. He was praying for the pain to leave his body, wanting nothing more than to feel the same pleasure as his lover who, unfortunately, had to accommodate him.

Baekhyun had no idea how to describe or register the feeling of Chanyeol’s cock inside of him. Chanyeol had fingered him before, it wasn’t anything new, but a dick stretching him was truly a feeling of its own and no matter how hyper aware he was of the cock filling him and the sensations in his whole body, or just the moment in itself, everything was so overwhelming that he couldn’t comprehend any of it. But while it was painful when the length slid inside of him, it was slowly fading away as his body was adjusting to his size and his breathing was starting to be less agitated. While keeping his eyes closed, he trailed his hand on Chanyeol’s back, loosening his hold and rested his hands on his shoulder blades, muscled and comfortable under his palms. Chanyeol slightly moved while raising his body to have a better look at his face, making his cock also follow his movement, which made Baekhyun groan. But it wasn’t as bad. Actually, he was warming up to it.

"Can I move now, Baek?" Chanyeol asked in concern. Not trusting his voice, Baekhyun only nodded while opening his eyes, enough to catch the sight of his concerned expression. Chanyeol didn’t look too convinced to start moving so soon, so he ignored his answer and kissed him instead.

It felt like an eternity before Chanyeol finally moved when he felt Baekhyun’s muscles more relaxed around him. He started by slowly pulling his dick out before diving back in, moaning at the sensation of the walls engulfing his cock so warmly and tightly. Baekhyun’s breath hitched and he clung to Chanyeol’s shoulders as he was tentatively moving inside of him. The discomfort was still present, but a lot less than earlier. Chanyeol took it as good sign and continued, thrusting more, as gently as he could manage, setting a pace that wasn’t too strict, but still comfortable for the both of them. A moan escaped his lips when the pace was settled in, his ass now accustomed to the sensation and the tightness. He closed his eyes shut and solely focused on the unprecedented sensation that was turning more and more enjoyable, addicting even. When Chanyeol slid off a little bit further away, Baekhyun pushed his hips down the length inside of him when Chanyeol was thrusting back in and moaned loudly, wanting more; needing more. Chanyeol was taken aback when he felt Baekhyun pushing himself on his dick by himself, increasing the strength when they both collided with more intensity. Baekhyun couldn’t see it, but at that moment, Chanyeol gazed at him with hunger, his heartbeat so fast he felt dizzy and was sure it would pop out of his chest.

Chanyeol gripped Baekhyun’s hips harder before setting a faster pace while sliding his cock deeper, pushing with a little bit more force than earlier. His dick was sliding effortlessly, perfectly. Baekhyun seemed to share his excitement since his mouth hung open, a trail of saliva peeking at the corner of his lips as he was moaning, his nipples hard and his back arching. The bed’s creaks under Chanyeol’s new pace, hard and deep, joined their lustful voices in unsteady rhythm.

With every thrusts into Baekhyun's stretched yet tight hole, his hot and slick walls welcoming his length with eagerness and pure desire, with every cries of pleasure escaping Baekhyun's parted and swollen lips in a chant, alternating between silent or high pitched cries, his head falling back in ecstasy, singing his love for him; with every overwhelming sensation leading to Chanyeol's orgasm, he fell even deeper for the other man, completely ravaged by his own feelings and body that were on fire. Chanyeol scratched Baekhyun's sides possessively while gazing into his lover's half lidded eyes in pure bliss, his back arching and muscles clenching around his cock, making Chanyeol growl and moan as he was pounding without restrain into Baekhyun's ass that was only asking for more, pleading for him to make him love like he never did before.

It went on and on, the two men equally rejoicing this moment that was so carnal yet incredibly emotional. Baekhyun could barely contain himself, could barely control the immensity of the pleasure that couldn’t be compared to anything else he had felt before as he was voicing his deepest exhilaration, allowing every part of himself to be plunged into the immense sensuality and enticing sensations taking control, giving himself shamelessly to the man he couldn’t get enough of. Sex had never been so intense and beautiful, so freeing and right. Writhing under Chanyeol’s strong body, both of them stark naked, unveiling their souls and love, was incredibly blissful and marvelous. Chanyeol moaning his name while thrusting his length inside of him, deep, needy and fast, pulling him into a universe that was exclusive to the two them, was perfect, ecstatic.

Baekhyun moaned louder while tilting his head back as Chanyeol bit his neck, having even better access to it, sucking harshly and passionately another hickey on his skin, devouring him. Baekhyun was close, very close to reach the peak of his orgasm, and gripped Chanyeol's shoulders, letting his hands roam on his broad and muscled shoulder blades, pressing so hard it would leave bruises. Chanyeol pumped Baekhyun's neglected cock, the movements erratic and alluring, driving him to the edge. He raised his chest and looked at Baekhyun as his name was rolling off his tongue, his skin covered in thick sweat, so seductive that it made Chanyeol increase his pace even more as he wetted his lips and drove Baekhyun to his orgasm.

Baekhyun moaned his name, loud and shameless, a chant absolutely delicious and exquisite in Chanyeol’s ears. He came, clenching his hole around Chanyeol's hard and leaking cock that was now struggling to keep his pace, feeling his own limit that was also very close, and spilled his sperm on both of their chests. While giving his last thrusts into the man who turned his world upside down, Chanyeol didn’t miss Baekhyun’s expression, so beautiful and natural. Baekhyun’s eyes were shut close as his penis was softening, sweat glistening on his whole body and his chest heaving hard. His hands loosened their hold on Chanyeol’s back, caressing the hot skin tenderly. When he opened his eyes and shot Chanyeol a look filled with contentment, rapture and unprecedented love, Chanyeol felt his orgasm reach its peak. With one final and hard thrust that made Baekhyun gasp, he emptied his own sperm inside his lover’s tight walls, allowing his voice to express his emotions one last time.

Chanyeol rested his body on his elbows for the next moment while waiting for his high to diminish as he was gazing into Baekhyun’s dilated eyes, showing that he still hadn’t come down from his own pleasure either. They were both breathing heavily, their pants echoing through the bedroom and their bodies exhausted by the excessive amount of movements and sensations they had been exposed to. Chanyeol’s length was still deeply buried inside Baekhyun’s ass, enveloped by the thickness of his sperm, not having the heart to separate them yet. He felt so close to the man he was head over heels for, so linked, as if their bond was only strengthening with every passing second, as if it could never be enough.

Baekhyun couldn’t tear his gaze away from Chanyeol either. He was slowly starting to fully gain consciousness, to be aware of Chanyeol’s organ that was filling his hole, as well as the layers of sweat and semen covering him, but it didn’t feel wrong in any way. As Chanyeol finally laid on top of him, cupping his cheeks and licking his lips before diving for another kiss, gentle and slow, Baekhyun trailed his hands on Chanyeol’s damped and curly hair, combing his locks affectionately while reciprocating their kiss with all the energy he had left. Baekhyun circled his legs around Chanyeol’s waist, feeling the warm sperm sliding down his ass cheeks, and brought the tall man even closer to him, Chanyeol’s softened length still connecting them together.

When they caught their breaths, Chanyeol leaving kisses down his neck and everywhere on his face, murmuring softly his name in between his loving kisses, fondling his bare skin caringly, Baekhyun wondered how could sex even be considered as filthy and sinful? How can two people doing one of the most natural thing every living being had the gift to accomplish, be perceived as wrong and taboo? Why was sex viewed as something so dirty? Why were people ashamed of talking about such a simple and natural instinct? Were he and Chanyeol drowned in sin now that they had sex, that they had succumbed to their deepest desires and love? Lust, want, need and craving were anything but bad. And two men having a sexual relationship was nothing to be ashamed of either. While gazing into Chanyeol’s eyes, which only reflected pure love, he knew that it was something he would never regret doing. And he would do it again anytime.

Chanyeol eventually pulled his softened penis out of Baekhyun’s asshole, the smaller man’s legs still circling Chanyeol’s lower body, keeping them close to each other. They lay on the wet sheets for a while, bodies tangled and hot breath fanning each other’s bare and warm skin as the hot air in the room kept them in their own little world, smelling of sex and a barely explainable atmosphere. They didn’t exchange a single word all the while, focused on their bodies that were melting against the other and their gazes.

“We should get cleaned up, don’t you think? My ass is starting to get uncomfortable.”

Chanyeol brushed his lover’s wet hair away from his face, the strands sticky from sweat and the heat of the room, and smiled fondly. “Of course. I’ll take a shower with you.”

Chanyeol kissed him tenderly once again before reluctantly getting off his boyfriend and pulling him up along with him, the smaller man tumbling a little bit and groaning at the sensation of the pain caused by their intense activity and the substance inside of him that was slowly sliding down his thighs.

“Alright, let’s go.”

The two lovers walked together until they reached the bathroom, arms in arms. When they settled in, Chanyeol immediately opened the water tank, clumsily shooting some water around and wetting the towels at the far end of the room, usually out of reach of it, while figuring out how it worked. Baekhyun chuckled and gave him a few directions before the water finally sprayed warm water. They eagerly went right under it and let the water soothe their sore bodies. They stood face to face for some time, simply enjoying the warmth from their shared shower and relaxing. After a moment in silence, Chanyeol put some shampoo in his hands and started washing Baekhyun’s hair carefully, rubbing his scalp until it was entirely covered in bubbles. Baekhyun almost purred as his lover was massaging his hair, leaning to the touch and closing his eyes as the product was sliding down his face under the spray of water that was washing away all traces of sweat from their heated activity. When it was done, Baekhyun did the same, thoroughly washing Chanyeol’s hair.

Once both their heads were clean, Chanyeol looked into Baekhyun’s eyes and pulled their bodies flush together before connecting their lips delicately while the water was dripping on their bodies. Baekhyun almost instantly stopped their kiss and coughed, “I have water in my mouth!”

Chanyeol chuckled and squeeze his body in a tight hug. “You’ve never had some heated makeout sessions in the shower with your past dates?”

Baekhyun hid his face in Chanyeol’s neck, the spray of water directly hitting his back and making him groan in appreciation, “No. And I don’t even want to try. It is very uncomfortable. I don’t even know how people manage to have sex in the shower. I mean, how weird and painful it must be to stand against the cold tiles and water dripping everywhere?”

“You don’t know what you’re missing.”

Chanyeol slowly trailed his hands down Baekhyun’s ass before massaging it, his fingertips reaching his hole and spreading it gently. Baekhyun stiffened, clenching his ass before Chanyeol would succeed entering it again.

“Oh hell no, Chan, we’re not trying anything right now! I love you and all, but I am so exhausted right no-”

“Baek, I am just helping cleaning up,” he exclaimed with a chuckle. “Unless you want to dig your fingers deep into your ass so you can clean my sperm yourself, but I think my fingers would be of great help, since they are longer and more experienced in this field than yours.”

With one hand, he titled Baekhyun’s face towards his and winked smugly before leaving a kiss on his forehead. Baekhyun furrowed his eyebrows and gave in, unclenching his hole as a response.

While Chanyeol proceeded on clearing any foreign substance in Baekhyun’s ass, the latter hissed a few times, pain kicking in. Chanyeol held him closely against his body, caging him in his arms, while he expertly cleaned the stretched hole that was more relaxed under the constant flow of warm water that was still running. All the while, Baekhyun held Chanyeol tightly, stroking his back and hips to distract him. When Chanyeol was done, he massaged his ass one last time, fondling the naked skin before resting his hands on his lover’s waist, his thumbs caressing it. They stayed in this position for a while in each other’s arms until Baekhyun’s eyelids fluttered close. He yawned loudly, failing at being discreet and making the taller man laugh sweetly.

“Alright, I get it. We should head back to bed soon.”

Baekhyun hummed as sleep was catching up to him. The two lovers then concluded by washing each other’s bodies, Baekhyun struggling to keep his eyes open.

Meanwhile, Chanyeol took in the sight of Baekhyun’s body once again. He didn’t exactly have a strong build, but he had pretty good proportions. His sleepy face was insanely cute, his eyes drooping so beautifully and his expression exhausted from the sex they just had. Chanyeol watched his body adorned with numerous love bites, all over his neck and chest, going downwards to the thighs, which were particularly bruised. Baekhyun truly was beautiful and now that he had left his mark on him, claimed him, he was in awe in front of him. To think that such an amazing, stunning and pure hearted man was his, was unbelievable. And the sex had made him even more beautiful than he already was. He could vividly recall Baekhyun’s face as he was moaning his name, the way his body was reaching for him, seeking friction and a deeper connection as strongly as him.

Chanyeol brushed Baekhyun’s wet hair behind his ears before kissing him lightly and closing the water tap, the two men shivering from the cold not long after. They dried their bodies and their hair quickly, not forgetting to sneak a few kisses and caresses here and there, before exiting the washroom and going back to Baekhyun’s bedroom. The latter whined at the sight of the dirty and messy bed sheets, not in the mood to change them. But Chanyeol insisted, not up for sleeping in a dirty bed while they had just washed up. Baekhyun groggily handed him some new sheets while Chanyeol changed them. When everything was ready, Baekhyun almost jumped on the bed, sprawling on the freshly changed sheets before enveloping himself in the warm covers. Chanyeol chuckled and joined him, replacing the material’s warmth with his own, circling his arms around Baekhyun’s waist and pulling their bodies closer, spooning him. Baekhyun didn’t understand at first why Chanyeol insisted on them to stay naked, refusing blatantly Baekhyun’s suggestion to at least wear underwear. But now, he understood why; it really felt as if nothing was separating them at that moment, unveiling themselves fully and appreciating their closeness, warm and naked bodies united. Baekhyun could feel Chanyeol’s heartbeat against his back, his chest heaving gently in a steady rhythm, he could feel each one of his members, skin against skin, enveloping him like Chanyeol himself was the blanket covering him, caging him in his arms and comforting him. 


	20. Chapter XVI

“It’s going to be 20,000₩ please.”

Baekhyun stared wide eyed at the number displayed on the cash register before pulling his wallet out of his pocket, disbelieving. He forgot how expensive new records were in the biggest music stores. He mentally noted to buy his records at the local store that sold used ones next time he would go on a treasure hunt as he unwillingly gave the bills to pay for his purchase. He could have bought four records with the same amount of money in the other shop. Too bad they didn’t have this album at that moment. He couldn’t wait anymore to buy it; his fingers were itching to touch it and to put it on his turntable so badly. Unfortunately, he had to pay the full price for it. He dearly hoped that the remastered version was worth it.

‘Soulville’ by the Ben Webster Quintet. He couldn’t wait to listen to it when he would wake up the next morning.

As he was exiting the records area of the music store, with an empty wallet, might he add, he passed by the instruments section in order to exit the store. While glancing at the brass section, he had to look twice as a figure he knew too well was standing with a case by his side that probably contained his dearest instrument, standing by a few saxophones hanging on the wall and thoughtfully looking at some reeds.

“Jongdae!”

Jongdae whipped his head around, scanning the store before his eyes locked with Baekhyun’s. A warm smile instantly brightened his face before he waved at him. Baekhyun returned the smile and walked towards him.

“Need some new reeds already? Didn’t you buy a couple of them two weeks ago?”

“I did, but a bunch of them were not really great or satisfying. I need some new ones to replace those who are bad.” He observed the reeds for a few more seconds before picking a package and heading for the cashier. “What are you doing here?” Jongdae pointed at the plastic bag in Baekhyun’s hands after the cashier handed him his receipt. “Don’t you buy your records at the local store farther down in the East?”

“Yes, but they don’t have the record I am looking for. It’s the last time I am buying something here; my wallet cried.”

Jongdae’s soft chuckle resonated in the almost empty store as they were nearing the exit.

“Which ones did you buy this time?” He asked, smiling.

“Correction: ‘which one’. The albums here are so expensive, one is enough or else it will ruin me. In any case, I got Webster’s quintet. I’ve been doing some research for new pieces to perform with the band. I’ve been working on a few arrangements that would accommodate our formation and some pieces in it would definitely suit your playing style.”

Jongdae slowed his steps while his smile widened, the sun that was shining brightly accentuating his features. Baekhyun pulled him with his free arm so he wouldn’t block the busy streets filled with people walking in a hurry, some passersby already bothered by Jongdae partially being an obstacle to their steady and fast steps.

“Webster? Baek, I am already looking forward to it. You know I like him a lot! You better make a couple of arrangements with my tenor saxophone in mind, because I’ve been using my alto one too often lately. I can’t neglect my poor little baby who deserves as much love.”

The trumpeter chuckled and smiled fondly, “With the amount of times you’ve been complaining about it, I can’t forget it. I already finished a score that would definitely make you happy.”

Baekhyun’s statement seemed to have quite an impact on the saxophonist since he circled Baekhyun’s shoulder with his arm and squeezed him tightly before thanking him wholeheartedly.

“Which one is it?” he asked eagerly, sparks shining in his eyes.

“‘Giant Steps’.”

“No! Are you kidding me?! This piece is pure suicide!”

Baekhyun grinned widely, “I know. That’s the most fun about it. It will be a nice challenge. Imagine the face of the audience when we master it! And it’s also with a tenor saxophone.”

“Are you planning on killing me? Can I even be as great as Coltrane? Way to embarrass me,” Jongdae exclaimed while they were entering the subway station, heading towards the Hongik University station to reach Cloud 9.

“Don’t you trust your skills? Dae, you’re seriously one of the best saxophonists I have ever heard. This piece is hard and complex, but I am sure that you’ll blow everyone away.”

“I am moved that you trust me so much, but Baek! Coltrane is a beast! And it’s so fucking hard to improvise at that crazy speed and with the amount of key changes.”

Baekhyun smiled wickedly, already excited about it. He couldn’t wait to learn it. He would have fun analysing the chords and the voicings.

“Look at you, enjoying me suffering. And poor Kyungsoo, the bass line is not easy either.”

“You think he’s going to kill me?”

“Positive. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he would come up a week later with everything already perfected, even playing with his eyes closed.”

“It would be some typical Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun laughed, imagining it.

The two friends were now in the train that would bring them to Hongdae, sitting on the seats and arguing about how the hell ‘Giant Steps’ could be the surprise that Baekhyun claimed would make Jongdae happy.

“I hope you’re planning on giving us the score at least a week before we perform it. Poor Flanagan, I wonder how he managed to improvise a solo almost on the spot for that recording, although he struggled quite a bit.”

“He’s a genius, simple as that. And also well trained and pretty much experienced.”

“This man has all my respect.”

Baekhyun chuckled at Jongdae’s statement before elbowing his friend’s arm playfully. “It’s not that bad. I am sure that once we’ll get used to the sudden alteration changes, we’ll be fine. But on a more serious note, I think it’s time for the band to start anew. Our last recording experience wasn’t that great, even though we still agreed to use the studio version in the end.”

“It sure was a tough ride,” Jongdae agreed.

After the band had struggled to record some of their live performances, nothing being truly to their tastes, everyone was exhausted, completely drained and losing motivation each passing day. They simply didn’t have the spark of their first tries a couple of months prior; the pressure and stress over making a perfect recording, the ones they had in mind, but somehow couldn’t fully produce, was too heavy. Meanwhile, the recordings they had done at Yixing’s studio were still saved, dormant on the drummer’s files, and perfectly fine to use. After too many tiring tries, they had decided to use their studio recordings, Baekhyun having resigned to it. Their short break from their album didn’t do the wonders they had expected and the stubborn musician decided that he couldn’t drag the band’s future and mood because of his own thoughts. It was too hard on everyone. A few weeks then passed by and they had managed to make a bunch of physical copies after making their cover by using a group shot of them and to sell their album mainly online.

“By the way, thanks for that, Baek. I know you didn’t want our first album to be like this, but everything just couldn’t go to waste. Our next recordings still weren’t to our taste and we were just so exhausted, you know?”

“I know...the album was well produced too. I guess I was just too settled on recording a live album. I am still happy that we ended up deciding on keeping it and selling it, although it’s really sad that our sales aren’t doing great so far. I knew it would be hard to pave our place in the industry, but it’s a huge blow.”

“The students are saving us, and mostly Minseok; it’s all thanks to him that we’re getting at least some decent publicity in his area. He spread the word at university and most of our sales are from the students and the teachers there.”

Baekhyun smiled, “That’s right. We also manage to make some publicity at the bar and the surroundings in Hongdae, but we’re all running too short on money.”

He sighed, shoulders slumping down a little bit at the thought of everything that was involved with making and selling albums. It was way more complicated than they had thought, especially when they didn’t have as much money as they would have wanted for their publicity or even album production in general to be as effective. At least there were some results, no matter how small. The jazz band had expected their current outcome; not much sales, mostly from friends, families and the regulars at Cloud 9, their peers that encouraged them, but it was far harder than anything they had imagined and the money of their sales didn’t add up to the money that was spent and dedicated to it. They didn’t have a manager either; no one to take care of all their merchandise or book some shows, although they were busy enough at Cloud 9. They were by themselves and even though they knew about a few marketing things, it was a very complex task to manage all of that on their own.

However, Baekhyun’s smile didn’t falter as he gazed into Jongdae’s eyes, “But I am ready to go for it again and give some even more amazing performances. I carefully thought about it and I think that we should practice new songs and build a new repertoire for our next shows, something refreshing and motivating. That’s why I did some research and am buying records, listening to the old ones in my collection I haven’t taken out for years and working on some arrangements of my own. We’ve got a week off soon, so it would be the perfect opportunity to work on that.”

“We should definitely talk this out with the other guys after our performance tonight.”

Baekhyun agreed and glanced at Jongdae shortly before looking closely at his features. “How is it going with your sister and her children? Is she feeling better now?” he asked after noticing the prominent eye bags under his friend’s eyes.

Jongdae smiled, “She’s doing a lot better. The divorce is still taking a toll on her, but honestly, the hardest thing for her is to keep it for herself. She had never been good at dealing with other people’s judgments and she keeps being paranoid whenever a colleague looks at her, thinking that they might have figured her situation out. She has no doubt that if even a single word goes out about her divorce and her taking care of her children alone, she will be jobless in a heartbeat. But aside from that, since I moved in with her and the kids, at least a stress is off her shoulders.”

“I see. It is very nice of you to assist her in all of this. I am sure she is grateful for everything you have done for the family.”

“How couldn’t I? It’s my duty as her brother. After our parents’ rejection, it’s the least I could do. I can’t leave her alone in all of this. It’s almost a relief that they accepted to not update anyone about her situation in order not to ruin our family’s name. And the two little kids are so cute, even though they are devils hidden behind their pouts and good manners in front of strangers. But trust me, I am putting some sense into them. Their uncle is a funny guy, but also strict when needed.”

Baekhyun laughed before sighing in contentment, not wanting to let the sad circumstances affect it as much as it used to, to his humble friend’s request. Jongdae truly was sacrificing so many aspects of his life for his sister’s sake; from moving in with her to taking care of her children and the whole house, going against his parents and following his sister’s steps instead of cowering away from the pressure about society’s wretched views on her being a single mother. Baekhyun wondered how he managed to find time to practice. And as Baekhyun recalled what Jongdae mentioned about her sister getting hard and unforgiving looks from her family members, it aggravated him. The issue of single mothers had always been a touchy subject in the country, but he couldn’t imagine how pressuring it might feel like, to bear all the burden alone and to also cope with society’s weight to top it off. Having a short insight about it was enough to make him sad and regrettable about the issue, especially since someone close to him was greatly and directly affected by the consequences. Jongdae’s sister was going through so much just because of a single separation. It was unfair. At that moment, Baekhyun recalled why Chanyeol despised the Korean society and this issue would probably be another reason for him to hold such feelings towards it.

Their ride towards Cloud 9 was invigorating, the two friends fooling around and talking about various things after mentioning Jongdae’s situation. It had been a while since they had seen each other, only the two of them, outside of their busy schedules, so it felt great. When they entered the bar, they were greeted by the sound of jazz music, but unlike usual, there was also a guitar accompanying the drums and the double bass, or rather the other way around.

It’s with rushed steps that Baekhyun entered the bar by Jongdae’s side, immediately seeing Chanyeol on the stage playing with Kyungsoo and Yixing, Junmyeon cleaning the tables and grinning to the sound of the music. Baekhyun couldn’t believe it; they were playing together and Chanyeol was actually quite good. He managed to keep up with them and even controlled a few parts. The sight alone was so exciting and he couldn’t stop a wide smile from curving his lips. They all seemed to be having fun playing together; all of them grinning and bobbing their heads to the music. It was truly heartwarming. Suddenly, two arms caught Baekhyun and Jongdae’s shoulders.

“You guys are jamming without waiting for me? Traitors!”

Jongin patted their backs before sliding in between them and shoving his coat on a random chair while Sehun entered as well and greeted the men. Junmyeon shot Jongin a glare, making the latter laugh and promise to take his coat off the way before the customers would get in. Baekhyun and Jongdae removed their coats as well and scooted closer to the stage, listening to the music as they were ending the song. When they finished, Yixing mumbled a quiet ‘nice’ before putting his drumsticks on the larger tom and stretching his arms and neck. Meanwhile, Jongin sat on the piano bench. Before he could even warm up or even finish preparing the piano to play, Yixing waved his hand.

“Sorry Jongin, but the jam is over. Chanyeol has to leave.”

Jongin’s eyes widened after hearing the drummer’s words, “What? Already? And I couldn’t even play a song with you?” he exclaimed, offended.

Chanyeol chuckled while unplugging his guitar and putting it back in its case, “I have a meeting with a group of students.”

“So you’re ditching us for them? Fine. Can I at least play something with Yixing and Kyungsoo instead?”

“No can do, Jongin,” Junmyeon said, “As much as I would love to hear you play, you have things to do first.”

Jongin sighed, resigned, and unwillingly got up from the bench before joining Junmyeon’s side who instructed him about his tasks to accomplish before the bar would open shortly. Meanwhile, Baekhyun watched his friends interact and received a quick peck on the cheek from his boyfriend who hurriedly left the bar, probably already late to his jam session. He looked like he was in bliss, a wide smile across his lips. Baekhyun couldn’t be happier.

The performance that night went well, Jongdae being in an especially great mood and creating some mind blowing solos of his own, improvising so skillfully and cleverly that Baekhyun was impressed the whole night. Jongdae's energy was palpable and spread to all the members of the quartet and the audience, cheering and clapping enthusiastically when the saxophonist completed his solos. Baekhyun wasn’t sure if it was because of the fact he was playing with his tenor saxophone after a while or if it was because of their unexpected meeting in the afternoon. Probably a mix of both.

Baekhyun was especially overwhelmed when they performed ‘Goodbye Pork Pie Hat’. Jongdae was in a trance-like state, with his saxophone in hands, air coming out of his lungs naturally while making each sound out of his instrument, moving on the stage like it was his home. They had been inspired by Charles Mingus’ interpretation with The Essential Mingus Big Band while arranging the song for their quartet, but Jongdae was truly impressive when he let his soul out as he played each note. The start of the song instantly plunged the bar in complete silence from the customers and the employees, everyone’s eyes stuck on Jongdae while he was taking his time to play, playing with various dynamics and taking all the space he needed, his breathing controlled and his mere presence mesmerizing. Baekhyun almost missed his cue to start, too immersed into Jongdae’s playing. He was so afraid to disrupt his state of mind when he was accompanying him that he paid even more attention than usual at his volume and the strength he put while pressing the piano keys. At some point, he closed his eyes when they were reaching the end of the song, Jongdae’s low notes absolutely dazzling before doing some fast licks, smooth and unbelievably effortless.

It took a few seconds before the crowd clapped loudly, all the musicians on stage still caught in their own world when the sounds invaded the bar. None of them moved at first, everyone as immersed into the song and its silence that followed before getting up while the band was bowing as their last set was over. Baekhyun was still in a daze when he exited the stage, walking without being conscious of it while he reached Jongin and Sehun behind the counter who seemed as shocked as him. The other three musicians joined him, the intense and dreamy feeling of the moment they just shared still floating around them.

“Fuck, Jongdae, you were insane. I- Shit, that was phenomenal, guys!”

Sehun stared at them, wide eyed, Jongin mirroring his expression. When the customers were exiting the bar since it was reaching its closed hours, they chatted with the group before bidding their goodbyes, offering their praises. The employees cleaned the bar while the musicians sat on a table, delighted. It was truly a great and memorable night. And to enhance the mood, Baekhyun thought that bringing the topic of their next performances on the table would be the cherry on top.

“I have a few ideas for our shows and maybe even next album, guys. I talked a bit about it with Dae already and we think that it would be great to start from scratch, to set a new repertoire and play some arrangements I am working on. I think it’s time to start anew and give another chance to perform with a new vibrant energy and record an even more amazing album.”

Yixing chuckled, “Although I agree, it’s still too early to think about a new album. We should talk it out first, for the way we will record it, but it’s about time we give proper shows again, without the stress piled up,” Yixing added, smiling.

“I’ve also been working on my side, composing a song for us.”

Everyone all looked at Kyungsoo, grinning even more than the rest of their night combined.

“Soo! Are you serious? Fuck, I am so looking forward to it!” Jongdae almost shouted and hit his knee under the table with too much uncontained enthusiasm.

The friends laughed wholeheartedly, their joy echoing in the bar with their other friends joining them as they were almost done, leaving a warmth settle down and envelope them.

“And you know what would be even better? A guitarist in our band. It would give us a new sound, give us even more possibilities,” Baekhyun spilled without thinking twice.

“I am not acquaintanced with any guitarist willing to join a band or that is not already in one,” Yixing responded light heartedly.

“But there’s Chanyeol, right? I am sure he would be up for it.”

Suddenly, the bar went silent, Baekhyun’s smile faltering progressively as he felt stares on him.

“Chanyeol?” Jongdae asked, eyebrows furrowed as the ghost of a smile was still faintly on his lips.

“Yeah, Soo and Yixing played with him today and they sounded great! I played with him a few times too. Imagine him in our group, I bet it would sound amazing!”

Baekhyun was trying to convey his idea in the most positive way as possible, but it didn’t seem to have the effect wanted.

“I’m sorry Baek, but it’s not because Chanyeol is your boyfriend that you have to plug him in all our activities and projects,” Jongdae said, eyes questioning him as an uncomfortable silence surrounded them, his previous smile faltering completely.

“I am not suggesting it because we are dating and that he happens to be a guitarist. I truly think that he could be a great addition to the group.”

“Are you sure about that? Because from what I know, your boyfriend also happens to have been kicked out of his former group and is in desperate need to be in one.” Jongdae was looking seriously into Baekhyun’s eyes, his voice turning firmer with each word.

“He is not desperate, just-”

“And how could he keep up with us? We’ve been trained as jazz musicians for years, we all studied it in university, yet he has been playing guitar jazz for only a few months. Do you really want to take an amateur in our group? Because I don’t.”

“Chanyeol is a quick learner, passionate and skillful enough to play in our band,” Baekhyun tried to reason.

“Really? So you are saying that he is in the same level as us?”

“No, I know that he isn’t, I just mean that he has potential.”

“Potential isn’t a qualification for someone to join a professional group, composed by experienced musicians who practically grew up with jazz music,” the other man added, voice progressively raising.

“But did you listen to him play earlier? He was great, you can’t deny that.”

“So what if he was? You told me you wanted to play ‘Giant Steps’ while even we will have trouble learning it. So you are saying that Chanyeol currently has the capacity to learn it too? Are we that bad of musicians so an amateur can learn it as fast as us?”

“Dae, that’s not what I am saying.”

“That is exactly what you are implying. Chanyeol can play with the jazz students as much as he wants, jam with them on a regular basis, but he can’t play with us. He is not on the same level as us. He has a ton of things to learn before he can even join a jazz group, and he won’t join ours for as long as I am there as well. If he wants to be in a band, then he can play with them.”

“Chanyeol isn’t practicing to be buddy buddy and to have another band with the students; he jams with them because he wants to reach our level, because he wants to improve. He admires us, our chemistry and our passion, not theirs. Have you seen his grin when he was playing with Kyungsoo and Yixing? Have you seen his eyes when he talks about his favourite jazz artists? About the new tricks he learns on the guitar? He is the happiest with us, not them.”

“It takes more than passion for a musician to succeed, Baekhyun! If our album sales aren’t the proof of it, I wonder what is. It takes more than a couple of months of practice and some basic skills to form a band and record an album of the caliber we want it to be! Were the past months struggling with our album not enough for you to understand that and how important it is?”

“But Chanyeol works every single day, practices like crazy so he can improve as fast as possible, and that’s what he does! Chanyeol isn’t just some beginner! He knows how to play the guitar and he knows about jazz!”

“Oh, you think he does? Would you take one of the students into our band? Would you accept a guitarist I would randomly pick to join us?”

“No!”

“That’s what you are fucking trying to do right now, and I won’t take it, Baek. I don’t want Chanyeol in our band and I won’t accept you pitying him because of his past and because of your relationship with him. This is not a game; it concerns our future, all of us, and I won’t let an amateur musician ruin my career when I’ve been working my ass off all of my life until now to be where I am today.”

Putting a stop to their screams, Jongdae got up and took his belongings before leaving Cloud 9, not uttering another word and leaving everyone behind, speechless. They had just witnessed probably one of the most heated arguments in the group, and all of them were frozen, astonished. Baekhyun had just ruined their night without intending to.

They eventually exited and closed the bar, Jongin trying to ease the atmosphere, but failing after attempting his second joke, which was a huge flop. They each went their own ways, silent and unnerved.

“Want to sleep at my place tonight?” Sehun asked Baekhyun on their way home.

Baekhyun stared into the emptiness in front of him and nodded after a while, not up to return to his apartment alone. Sehun hesitantly draped an arm around his shoulders and pulled Baekhyun closer to himself after a positive reaction from his gesture. Baekhyun rested his head on Sehun’s shoulder for the rest of their walk, the younger man stroking his arm soothingly.

Baekhyun didn’t sleep a wink that night.

 

 [Charles Mingus - Goodbye Pork Pie Hat](https://youtu.be/sxz9eZ1Aons)


	21. Chapter XVII

Chanyeol stirred in his sleep, sprawled on his bed, and shifted on his left side, unconsciously wiping the drool that was dried on the corner of his lips. He groaned pleasantly, feeling especially relaxed and content while stretching his limbs. He wrapped the covers tighter around him, snuggling it, and dozed off for a bit, letting the material’s warmth soothe him. He could faintly hear at the distance a little bit of rattling coming from the kitchen, which signaled that Junmyeon was awake as well. Chanyeol lazily laid on his bed for a while until he finally opened his eyes, yawning loudly in the process and glanced quickly at the alarm clock by his bed.

_10:38._

It had been a while since he woke up at such an early hour, at least without his alarm clock tearing him apart from dreamland. But considering the fact that he went to bed earlier than usual and that he was completely beat by his constant practice sessions and his shifts, it wasn’t surprising. At least he had managed to have a good amount of sleep, so it was refreshing. He had planned on taking a much needed break from practice that day, which made him feel even more relaxed without the burden of having to rush to leave the house or just knowing that he had all morning to be cozy and simply enjoy his free time.

When he finally decided to get up, he took a quick shower and headed for the kitchen, joining Junmyeon who was sitting at the table, slowly sipping his coffee and eating some leftovers of the previous night at the bar.

“Good morning, Chanyeol,” Junmyeon greeted him, his voice a bit strained and laced with pure fatigue.

“‘Morning.”

Chanyeol took a mug from the counter and filled it with the coffee Junmyeon had prepared for the both of them, as usual, and joined him at the table. He took a whiff of the hot liquid, rejoicing its scent that pleasantly tickled his nostrils, and proceeded on taking his first sip.

“Why are you up so early? You said you were taking the day off and wouldn’t practice. Did you change your mind?”

“No, I just slept earlier than usual. I am feeling so great right now,” Chanyeol stretched his body again, lifting his arms and groaning in appreciation, “It doesn’t seem to be the case for you, though.” He pointed at his eye bags, “What happened? Insomnia kicking in again?”

With all his tasks and duties as the owner of Cloud 9, Junmyeon didn’t have it easy most of the time. There were some periods where the customers weren’t as numerous as usual, even though the bar had managed to have a lot of regulars and that he didn’t need to worry about paying for the rent of the place or even having enough money to pay for the employees’ shifts or the bands, but Junmyeon had a lot of responsibilities that came along with managing the bar and Chanyeol knew that some weeks were quite a struggle and a burden for his roommate. He had witnessed a couple of his sleepless nights.

Junmyeon smiled slightly, his usual brightness nowhere in sight, “I wish it was that… Let’s just say that yesterday night was quite eventful at the bar.”

“Oh? What did I miss?” Chanyeol furrowed his eyebrows, intrigued.

Junmyeon sighed deeply, took another sip of his coffee and ruffled his hair, “The band had an argument. A really huge one. If you think you have seen the worst, trust me, this one beat them all.”

“Really? It was that bad?”

Junmyeon nodded before taking a bite of the food. Chanyeol was surprised. The four friends always got along fairly well, even though they had some differences here and there, but their arguments were never ones to take huge proportions. He suddenly remembered that Baekhyun still hadn’t replied to his text messages and it worried him. Baekhyun was quite sensitive to this kind of thing, especially when it concerned his band. He was someone with a great balance overall, but as soon as it came to music, it was a matter of its own.

“It was ugly. I spent half of the night at Yixing’s place with Kyungsoo, talking about the matter with them and reasoning about a few things. I was afraid I woke you up when I got home much later than usual, so it’s a relief you weren’t disturbed by it.”

“So the matter is that serious? Shit… I hope Baek is taking it well.”

“Honestly, I wouldn’t count too much on that. He was directly involved in the argument, if not even the reason of it.”

Chanyeol was now very confused and bothered. He abruptly got up from his seat and headed towards his room to fetch his phone. He still had no response from his boyfriend, which was unusual and unnerving. He typed a quick message.

 _From: Chanyeol_  
_Hey Baek, I still don’t have any news from you and Junmyeon told me about the band having a disagreement. Are you alright? I can go to your place right now if you need it. If I leave now, I could be there in thirty minutes tops._

Chanyeol hurriedly packed his backpack, putting in all the necessities so he wouldn’t have to return home before his shift later in the evening, breakfast and his planned relaxed day completely forgotten. When he was silently cursing and ruffling around his room because he couldn’t find his keys, he received a notification. He quickly unlocked his phone and read the message Baekhyun had just sent him.

 _From: Baekhyun_  
_Sorry, Chan! I didn’t reply earlier because I was too caught up. You don’t need to worry, I spent the night at Sehun’s and he accompanied me to the subway station._  
_Did you forget that I was going to my mom’s today? I’ll only be back tomorrow night for the band’s performance._

Chanyeol sighed in relief and flopped down on his bed, his backpack falling on the ground. He completely forgot about it. But knowing that Baekhyun spent the night at Sehun’s was either a good or a bad sign. He just hoped that Baekhyun was truly alright.

 _From: Chanyeol_  
_Shit, completely forgot about that._  
_You’re there already?_

 _From: Baekhyun_  
_Almost, just half an hour and I’ll breathe the Bucheon air 😉_

 _From: Chanyeol_  
_Haha_  
_Are you alright though? No need to pretend._

The gap it took for him to receive another message compared to the previous ones increased Chanyeol’s nervousness. He kept checking every five seconds if he had a notification, but it was always blank. After three painful minutes, he finally had a reply.

 _From: Baekhyun_  
_Well, it could be better. Honestly, I barely managed to sleep. I am sure my mom will ask me a million questions about my bad shape, but just seeing her will make me feel better. Don’t worry too much._

 _From: Chanyeol_  
_I don’t believe you but we’ll talk about that when you come back. For now just take care, alright?_

 _From: Baekhyun_  
_Chan is worried~_  
_What a sight 😉_  
_Thank you, I’ll do that. My mom has healing powers, I am notifying you 👍_

 _From: Chanyeol_  
_Yeah right, she better give me a refreshed and healthy Baek tomorrow or else I’ll personally go after her_

 _From: Baekhyun_  
_😂😂_  
_You’re really impossible_

Chanyeol lay down on his bed and chuckled. He loved having those childish conversations with him. The man had the power to light up his day in the fraction of a second.

 _From: Baekhyun_  
_Have a nice day_  
_Love you ❤_

 _From: Chanyeol_  
_Love you too 😚_

He stared at the ceiling for a while, carelessly throwing his phone somewhere on his bed before smiling. He had never been so concerned over someone else before. Never once had he messaged his past acquaintances because he was worried sick like at that moment. He had finally found someone who was worth taking care of, someone that switched all his priorities upside down. He would never be able to express how grateful he was for meeting Baekhyun, for someone to spur within him his deepest sides he didn’t know existed until now, sides that made him actually feel good, that made him feel like being himself, his true self, was something worth showing and living without being afraid or convinced that he was awful, even though he had some breakdowns a couple of times. It made him discover that there weren’t just grudges and anger eating his soul, but also positivity, something he had been absolutely convinced wasn’t accessible to him. His past friends would think there was a stranger in his body if they saw him like this. He wasn’t entirely a new person, he was aware of the many habits he acquired through the years which were still stuck to him like glue, after all, it was his personality, but he was also different in a way. He was slowly discovering what happiness was and feeling such at ease definitely helped him to find the place he had always been seeking for. He would never say it enough; Baekhyun was a blessing to him. And it was the same for Sehun, Minseok and Junmyeon.

He sat on the bed and picked up his phone again, read the messages he exchanged with Baekhyun and grinned widely. He had yet to meet Baekhyun’s mother, but he knew that she was an amazing woman, based on Baekhyun’s descriptions. She had also been very supportive when he announced that he had a boyfriend, unlike his past relationships that were all with women. He knew he was in good hands and his trip to his hometown had just the perfect timing, it seemed. He was still worried, but knowing he was in good company relieved him. After reflecting for a while, he got up and went back to the kitchen where a tired Junmyeon was washing the dishes and yawning widely.

“You can still return to bed and sleep longer, you know? It won’t hurt.” Chanyeol finished his coffee and took a few bites of some leftovers Junmyeon had left on the table for him.

“You know I like waking up early. And anyway, I planned on cleaning the house today, so I want to stick to that. Maybe I’ll take a nap before we leave for Cloud 9.”

“Need some help?”

Junmyeon turned around, offering him a smile, “Sure. Want to take care of the living room while I do the kitchen? We can split the toilet area too.”

“‘Want’ is a pretty strong word, but yes.”

Junmyeon looked defeated for a second and laughed, amused by Chanyeol’s statement. “I guess I am the only one who likes to clean the house.”

“Really, I don’t mind. I’ll help you out. It’s the least I can do for everything you have done so far.”

“Chanyeol,” the other man sighed. “We already talked about this countless times; you don’t owe me anything and you can also call me Jun or Myeon instead of Junmyeon. We are close enough for us to call each other by our short names.”

Chanyeol brushed it aside and finished the last leftovers before cleaning his dishes and started to take care of the living room. No matter what Junmyeon said or how he felt towards him, he would never be able to call him by his short name or even to consider himself as if he didn’t owe him. He respected Junmyeon greatly and was truly thankful for giving him a home and trust him enough to do so and even offering him the job at the bar in the first place. He truly was an amazing man and he would show his respect on all occasions. He just couldn’t do it any other way. Calling him by his short name somehow felt wrong.

Just like that, they spent the whole day cleaning the house in a comfortable silence, sometimes talking about a few random things, other times simply bathing in each other’s presence. Dusting and cleaning wasn’t the most thrilling activity for Chanyeol, especially on a day off, even though he liked things to be organized to some extent, but it was surprisingly quite nice to do so in Junmyeon’s company.

When they arrived at the bar in the late afternoon, Sehun joined them for his shift to help them prepare the bar for the night. Chanyeol took the opportunity to ask Sehun about Baekhyun’s state of mind and mood, Sehun’s vague descriptions being enough to increase his worries. He didn’t want to give much details about the band’s argument, only saying that Baekhyun had made a proposition to the band that was apparently controversial and how Baekhyun was restless and had jumbled feelings all night at his place because of it. Chanyeol was only left with more curiosity, but complied and mentally noted to ask Baekhyun further about it when the opportunity would show. He really wondered what the whole disagreement was about to leave all his friends so shaken.

But even though Sehun also had a sleepless night, he was as energetic as could be. He had learned a couple of new tricks about sound engineering and was very eager to do the soundcheck for the guest group that was invited for the night. He knew the kind of sound and projection that the bar’s official quartet wanted, so having to work with another group he had never met before was exciting for him. He kept moving around the entire afternoon, bugging Chanyeol and Junmyeon, and it was especially irritating when Sehun started to be impatient because the said band was late for their soundcheck. Sehun could barely stand still when they arrived about twenty minutes before it was their time to perform, apologising because they were apparently caught up in the traffic and slept in. Junmyeon politely welcomed them, but Sehun almost jumped on the console and urged them to go on stage.

When the band started to play their first set, they were about thirty minutes late, thanks to the fact that they were quite a lot on the stage, more than the groups they usually hosted aside from the students, and also because of how picky they were with their sound and ‘asking too much with their ideal sound in mind that isn’t fucking understandable’ -Sehun’s words- but it was soon forgotten with the jazz enthusiasts bobbing their heads along to the music, drinking cheerfully and clapping energetically when they ended their songs. The group was actually quite great, Chanyeol noted. They were six; a pianist, a vocalist, a guitarist, a clarinetist, a drummer and a double bassist. He wasn’t acquaintanced to clarinet jazz, but it was intriguing and very pleasant.

“Kyungsoo! It’s unusual to see you here this day of the week! It’s nice to see you!”

Junmyeon greeted the musician warmly, who unexpectedly showed up, as the latter was removing his coat and casually took a seat at the bar counter, shooting a smile at the owner and doing some short chitchat when the band just finished their first set.

“What brings you here?” Sehun asked, delighted to see his friend and putting him in a greater mood after struggling with the guest band’s soundcheck that turned out alright, but not good enough to his taste.

“I thought I could just come around and take a few drinks here, for a change.”

“Sure! What do you want to drink?” Junmyeon asked with a bright smile that barely masked his fatigue, and motioned Sehun to attend the customers at his assigned tables that were asking for a refill.

“Just give me a glass of Rum for starters.”

Junmyeon chuckled, “You’re not beating around the bush.”

Kyungsoo only cracked a small smile and got more comfortable on his seat. Chanyeol, who was witnessing their exchange all along at the counter, prepared him the drink and handed the filled glass to him before doing his duties in the kitchen while Junmyeon was serving and conversing with the guest band that was taking their break. The bar was quite crowded that night, the band having brought their friends along and naturally attracting a lot of attention because of their unusual formation.

Kyungsoo sticked around for a while, sipping his drink slowly while Chanyeol stole a few glances from time to time, curious about his visit at the bar. Kyungsoo only went there for their practices and performances; never once he had seen him on the days they were off. It was a little bit strange. Kyungsoo was someone he had a hard time figuring out; he was rather quiet, but quite nice. He was cool headed and always thought thoroughly before making his opinion or voicing out his thoughts and he had a very discreet presence, but still noticeable. But Chanyeol didn’t have time to wonder what the reason of his presence was other than a casual visit; he couldn’t read through him anyway, so it was pointless.

The sextet was in the middle of their second set when Kyungsoo addressed Chanyeol while he was resting at the counter, “How is it going with the students?”

Chanyeol’s eyes instantly drifted from the musicians on the stage to Kyungsoo, whose gaze was locked on the group before slowly being directed at him, unreadable. Chanyeol leaned on the counter, arms crossed on the surface. “It’s going fine. It’s fun to play with them and I am learning a ton. Although jazz is a fucking nightmare to learn. They like to challenge me and give me new songs every week to learn, as well as some modes and scales to learn by heart and master in every possible key,” Chanyeol chuckled lightly while recalling their friendly sessions where the students weren’t going easy on him. “Those sneaky bastards. They like to pull pranks and test me every time we meet.”

“Looks like you are enjoying the challenges though.”

Chanyeol grinned widely, “I never turn down a challenge. I love showing them what I am made of.”

Kyungsoo cracked a small smile before taking another sip from his drink, eyes occasionally drifting between the band and the employee. “I’ve been curious about something for a while.”

“Shoot it.”

“What do you like about jazz? You used to hate it with a passion, but now you’re all over it and are even learning how to play it. What made you change your mind so suddenly?”

Chanyeol didn’t know what he expected, but it was certainly not this. He shifted the position of his arms on the counter and observed the group who was playing a slow tune. He watched the audience entirely focused on them and the music, looked at his surroundings, at Sehun and Junmyeon doing their chores while occasionally glancing at the sextet. He was suddenly hit by a wave of nostalgia as he recalled his first night at Cloud 9, at his drunken night there followed by the musical morning at Baekhyun’s apartment and everything that followed it; the good and the bad.

“I think everything switched when Baek explained me about the music theory of jazz. I just found it fascinating; the colours of the chords, the unique way the voicings are made, the way the chords are used in their progressions, the instruments that aren’t common in rock music, but that hold such interesting sounds and tones, that has a richness of its own. It’s just so different from all the other kinds of music I was used to. I guess I found it just incredibly fascinating. I have to admit that I didn’t like everything about jazz music at first, but when I took the job here, seeing you guys play almost every night was captivating to me, and it made me warm up to jazz even more on a daily basis.”

“To the point of eclipsing rock in your eyes?”

“I’ve been wondering about that too,” Sehun joined them as he was discarding some glasses before taking some clean ones and filling them with a few different drinks. “Do you still play rock? Do you even miss it at times? I remember the few times I saw you perform on stage. You were like somebody else, completely immersed. It felt like rock was really a part of your soul. I can’t believe you changed like that so fast.”

“I still play some rock songs from time to time and I still listen to some of my favourite bands. Rock is a part of me, of my identity. But...I don’t miss it that much, honestly.”

“Really?”

“Okay, I do have my nostalgic moments where I miss standing on stage and playing my guts out, just smashing the strings in the way I can’t do with jazz. Rock has that raw energy that is so liberating. But since I’ve been bathing in another kind of vibe and surrounded by other people than my ex bandmates and all the shit that comes with it, I feel as if jazz is almost more fitting for me at times? Although jazz can be rock n’ roll too. But you guys are nice, so it doesn’t apply to you.”

Sehun hummed in reflection, “Yeah, I think I know what you mean. Like, rock was more energetic, but jazz has a completely different energy while still being so satisfying. I don’t play music, maybe I am spouting nonsense right now, but that’s what I am perceiving from listening to it.”

“That’s an interesting point,” Kyungsoo added. “Different kinds of music brings different vibes. Jazz has its own, just like rock and all the other genres.”

“Yes, that’s it! And I feel like jazz resonates more with me, you know? It kind of reminds me of a question Baek asked me on our first date that I never actually replied to…”

“What was it?” Sehun asked with curiosity.

“He asked me if the feelings I get from listening to jazz are as strong as they were for rock. Truthfully, I still don’t really know...but what Kyungsoo said brings light to it a bit. The feelings are of a different nature, right? Since they bring different vibes. The ones I get with jazz are totally different from rock, even though they give me a similar kind of churn in my stomach. But as I said, I feel like jazz speaks to me more right now; I just love the atmosphere from it and from the bar. It suits me more, although some action from unconventional music halls and brutal fans is still appealing to me at times. I love the thrill and intensity of it. A few months back, it wouldn’t have been the case, but now, I feel like jazz is more of a home than rock is, although rock is still strongly a part of me and that I am far from mastering jazz yet.”

“Yet?” Sehun asked, a playful smile on his lips.

“I don’t do things halfway,” Chanyeol exclaimed confidently, almost taking Sehun’s question as another challenge.The three men laughed before Sehun tended to his duties, Chanyeol refilling the empty glasses of the customers by the counter.

“So what’s the plan after you’ll master jazz? Going to start your own band? Conquer the world with a couple of tours?”

Chanyeol sighed, “I don’t know. I guess I’ll just take what will be offered to me on the way. For now, I am content by working here and learning.”

“I thought you were the visionary type; huge projects, always a goal in mind to strive for and also ambitious.”

“It depends on what, but for music, I am. You could say that my goal right now is to become the greatest jazz guitarist in Seoul.”

Kyungsoo chuckled, “You’re not kidding around.”

“Never.”

The next minutes were spent by simply enjoying the guest band’s music, Kyungsoo bidding his goodbye to his friends after finishing his drink to head home. Their exchange was quite nice and Chanyeol enjoyed opening up to the musician. Actually, he was warming up with more ease to him. His presence was comfortable even though it could also be awkward, but it wasn’t an unbearable awkwardness; it had a special aura to it.

Chanyeol went outside to take a break, standing in front of the building while observing the people walking by. He glanced at the ashtray before stuffing his hands in his pockets, the weather still a little bit chilly although spring was close by. He had stopped buying cigarette packs for a while now, but was still feeling fidgety and weird whenever he would take his breaks outside; they were strange without a cigarette in hand, but he fought his lingering desire to smoke by taking his phone out and typing a quick message.

 _From: Chanyeol_  
_How is it going in Bucheon?_  
_Say hi to your mom from me_

He received a notification shortly after he had sent it.

 _From: Baekhyun_  
_It’s perfect! I’ll bring you home with me next time._  
_She says she’s already thrilled to meet you 😉_

Chanyeol suddenly froze upon reading the last words, reading them over and over again. He felt warmth rise in his body before a few tears uncontrollably fell on his cheeks, wiping them and laughing as he couldn’t take his eyes off his device.

It was a feeling that he never thought would ever be accessible to him, yet he was feeling it strongly; warmth, joy, the desire to jump around and smile until his cheeks would burst from pain, cry until he wouldn’t be able to do it again before months, the desire for this moment to last forever, to have this incredible sensation of well-being possess him, his whole body and soul.

Happiness. It was pure, unrestrained happiness.

He looked at the sign of the bar, staring at the lights proudly flashing ‘Cloud 9’.

“‘Cloud 9’, huh? It wears its name well.”

Chanyeol looked at the sign for a moment longer before putting his phone back in his pocket and wiping the remaining tears staining his cheeks. “I’m really turning into a crybaby.”

He sniffled a little bit and sighed before climbing the stairs that led to the bar, his home, admiring the many frames decorating the walls on the way, his smile never faltering.

 

 

 [Benny Goodman - Somebody Loves Me](https://youtu.be/p5GLQ37jz9k)


	22. Chapter XVIII

Baekhyun groaned and hid his face with his arms over the small table before sighing and falling back on his chair, looking straight into his friend’s eyes. “Jongin, I really don’t know what to do anymore. Dae hasn’t answered my calls for the past two days and he ignores all my messages. And he was barely cooperative yesterday during our performance. He played and talked a bit with the other guys, but he completely ignored me. Was my idea that bad? Did I really go overboard?”

“To be honest, it was quite a bad idea, yes.”

Jongin sipped his black coffee slowly and Baekhyun groaned again in desperation as his mug of coffee was still full, Baekhyun not having even tasted it yet. He took the mug in his hands, still on the table, and let his hands warm up with the temperature of the drink while staring at the liquid that had stopped fuming for a while.

“What should I do? I bet he would slam his home’s door on my face if I were to show up uninvited.”

“Don’t be over dramatic, Baek. He has his reasons to act this way.”

Baekhyun sighed again, “I know, I reflected about what he said and I can’t deny that I was a bit reckless…”

Jongin continued to drink his coffee while Baekhyun looked defeated, both in silence for a moment.

“Did you really mean it when you suggested for Chanyeol to join the group?”

Baekhyun lifted his gaze from his untouched mug and locked eyes with his friend before drifting his gaze away again, “I don’t know. I mean, I genuinely think that he has a whole lot of potential. I’ve heard him play enough to know that he is a very quick learner and that he has enough passion and interest in the genre to improve so fast and to go to such extent as learning about jazz music even on his free time, without the students’ help, but...”

“But?”

“But I know it is too soon for him to form a jazz band...Dae was right, I know it. I really don’t know why I talked about that and I’m feeling bad for bringing it up. I think I was just too happy and excited about seeing him jam with Kyungsoo and Yixing. I know that he admires us a lot, even though he never really said it to them, but it is evident from his gaze and the way he talks about us and the music in general. But at the same time, I don’t think it was so bad an idea for him to react so intensely? I don’t think I was too off track? Or was I?”

“I wish I could help you not feel as guilty as you are now, but you were completely off track. Chanyeol might be a guitarist, but he has only been playing jazz for a couple of months. Of course it’s out of question that he joins the band. Dae takes the group as seriously as you do so I totally get why he reacted in such a way.”

“Yes, but-”

“And don’t tell me that he has more knowledge than we can think and that he is learning a lot right now. Because I know it’s the case, but it still isn’t enough. Just admit that you were wrong and stop finding reasons to justify yourself.”

“I wish it would be as easy to talk with Dae as it is with you.”

Jongin grinned before taking another sip, Baekhyun proceeding to drink his own coffee. “I am still wondering if you unconsciously pity Chanyeol’s current situation, though.”

“What do you mean?” Baekhyun lifted his eyebrows, curious.

“Maybe you just want him to join a band too much? We all know how important it is for him.”

Baekhyun stared at his mug for a moment before sighing in defeat for the umpteenth time, “It might be the case? Ahhh! I don’t know!” He groaned in frustration under Jongin’s amused stare. “I have played with him too a couple of times. Sometimes I join him early at the bar and I take my trumpet out, or I just sing while he accompanies me. There’s a connection between us when we play together, we really blend well. And I love seeing him having so much pleasure while he accompanies me, or when he improvises a few licks here and there when he feels like playing a solo. And he gained so much confidence; I can see in it the former, almost aggressive passion he had when we first met. He made massive improvement in such a short amount of time, so I guess it clouded my mind a bit too much…and why do you find me freaking out funny? Stop looking at me like that!”

Jongin didn’t flinch, amusement still radiating off him, “Because for me, it is simple; you admit your wrongs and apologize to Dae. As simple as that.”

Baekhyun scoffed, “If it was a matter that could be solved quickly, I wouldn’t be here with you right now, complaining endlessly and moping. You know that the issue is way deeper than that.”

“I just think you two blew it out of proportions. But you know, Baek, the others haven’t seen or heard him play that much. Maybe they don’t even want a new member since you have known each other for years. They might even not like his style of playing too, who knows?”

“Yes, you’re right… but Yixing and Kyungsoo don’t seem to be that much against him even though they didn’t say anything to defend me either.”

“But Jongdae is, and you guys should definitely give him some time to cool down. Did you talk about this with Chanyeol?”

Baekhyun hesitantly looked into Jongin’s eyes and fiddled with his mug, Jongin sighed, “I guess you haven’t yet.”

“Chan tried to ask me, but I still haven’t said much. I’ll talk to him later today. It’s both our day off, so I’ll be going to Junmyeon’s when you’ll head for Cloud 9.”

“You better. I’m keeping an eye on you!” Jongin squinted his eyes to illustrate his point and make his statement firmer before chuckling and motioning towards Baekhyun’s full mug. “Come on, drink it before it gets too cold.”

The two childhood friends drank their coffee in Jongin’s home in tranquility, the latter quickly changing the topic to talk about his latest discoveries about some cocktails he would introduce to the owner of the bar in the evening, his recent music discoveries and some casual topics. It managed to ease Baekhyun’s mind a little bit, although the pit in his stomach wasn’t leaving him alone. He was grateful that Jongin was willing to spend the early afternoon with him to change his mind and discuss his worries and other things.

But he eventually had to head to Junmyeon’s home, no matter how much he dreaded that moment.

“You did what?!”

Baekhyun tensed in Chanyeol’s arms, both sprawled on the couch as the credits of the movie playing in his laptop on the small table in the living room had reached its end. Chanyeol shifted, his hands never leaving Baekhyun's waist, and looked at him, astounded. Baekhyun managed to look into his eyes before averting his gaze somewhere else, anywhere else in the room that didn’t concern a certain tall man wrapped around him.

“Don’t look at me like that! I am already miserable as it is, don’t add to it.”

Chanyeol froze in his embrace for a while, Baekhyun hesitantly whipping his head to catch his expression, which held surprise and disbelievement.

“Your argument was caused by you suggesting I should join your group?”

Baekhyun’s neck was quickly taking a rosy colour as embarrassment took a hold of him. It didn’t help that Chanyeol suddenly started to laugh loudly, his whole body shaking against Baekhyun’s, making him curl into himself and feel even more absurd about making this proposition in the first place.

“Chan!”

Chanyeol’s laughing fit extended for a while, a sound that would usually calm him down, but that had the polar opposite effect at that moment. When Chanyeol’s laughter died a little bit, he tried to direct Baekhyun’s face towards his, who stubbornly fought against it, feeling absolutely dumb and shameful.

“Hey, Baek, don’t do that.”

His hand cupped his face to try to make him face him, but his attempt still failed, Baekhyun feeling more and more humiliated. He couldn’t believe that Chanyeol was finding the whole ordeal funny; it was not a joke. Chanyeol then tightened his embrace around his boyfriend’s waist, kissed the top of his head and mumbled against the mop of hair, Baekhyun able to feel his smile against it, “I am sorry, Beak, I am just relieved and surprised. I thought that your argument was because of something more serious than that.”

Baekhyun whipped his head energetically towards Chanyeol’s, “It is serious! Jongdae has been avoiding me like the plague because of it and he’s extremely mad at me for suggesting it! It’s no laughing matter; it involves the whole band and everyone is greatly affected by it.”

Chanyeol’s smile faltered at Baekhyun’s stern expression, clearly not joking about the gravity of the situation. He was quick to feel remorseful for his reaction. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” he tucked a hair strand behind his ear, Baekhyun’s gaze still hard and serious, “I just wasn’t expecting this. I can’t believe you deem me worthy of joining your group.”

Baekhyun’s features softened, “Of course you are!”

“I don’t think I am, don’t say this to cheer me up or to encourage me, you know it as well as me.”

Baekhyun averted his gaze, caught red handed. Chanyeol let out a dry chuckle, “You guys have years of experience while I have been playing jazz only for a couple of months. I don’t have your caliber.”

“That’s exactly why Jongdae blew up at me.”

Chanyeol softly trailed his hand in Baekhyun’s hair strands, his other hand caressing his waist, “I would have too. Come to think of it, it reminds me of that time when we were holding auditions for the group and that Minho caught the other guy’s eyes. That fucking midget, he was definitely not good enough for us. But those dickheads still chose him without me agreeing and shit ensued.”

“Yes, I remember you were fuming.”

Chanyeol hummed, “And I can’t believe that I am taking Minho’s position with your group right now. That's almost insulting.”

Baekhyun stroked Chanyeol’s arms that were secured around him and let his boyfriend nuzzle his hair gently. “From what you described, you are a much more capable musician than Minho.”

“I hope so.”

Baekhyun chuckled and snuggled into his boyfriend’s arms, “I really love playing with you.”

Chanyeol cracked a smile and tightened his embrace, “You do?”

“Absolutely.”

“You’re not saying this just to make me happy?”

“No, I’m not.”

Chanyeol completely caged him into his arms, Baekhyun starting to relax at the loving gestures and Chanyeol’s calm and deep voice soothing him.

“But does what you’re saying mean that our band could crumble because of that?”

“Not really. Your bond is way stronger than ours was. And you have similar ideologies, which wasn’t our case. I’m just moved you even thought of me joining your group. I can’t believe you even considered that as an option.”

Baekhyun turned his head around and was blessed by the sight of a flushed Chanyeol, one that was very rare. “You’re blushing! That’s adorable!”

“Stop it!” He playfully hit Baekhyun, the crimson darkening. It was insanely endearing. “I mean it, I can’t believe you think I could even be a part of your group, even if it was kind of absurd for the circumstance. That’s such an honour, damn. I’m...I can’t fucking speak right now. And stop staring at me like that!”

Baekhyun laughed and quickly pecked his cheek before taking his previous position, melting in Chanyeol’s arms as he softly hummed, the latter still gently caressing him. After a moment of comfortable silence, Baekhyun switched positions and flopped down on his lover, lying on top of him and knocking the air out of his lungs. Chanyeol rolled them over and tickled him until Baekhyun’s face completely lighted up, no sign of any sorrow or pain detectable anymore. Baekhyun squirmed under him for what felt like ages, trying to make him stop, but it was futile. Chanyeol’s eyes were sparkling, his mouth beautifully curving from his wide smile. When the tickling session was over, Baekhyun panting wildly, he grinned while cupping Chanyeol’s face and locked their lips in a tender kiss, Chanyeol instantly rendered powerless by the action and his boyfriend’s dazzling expression. He pulled the covers that were a mess over them, covering their whole bodies while deepening their kiss, tongues sweetly meeting and caressing the other. Baekhyun smiled and pulled their mouths apart as he was greeted by Chanyeol beaming at him. The latter playfully growled and pulled his body more strongly against his while holding the covers even tighter around them, wrapping them in a cocoon.

“I know a few things that would totally cheer you up,” he said darkly, a suggestive smile dancing on his lips as his hands trailed over Baekhyun’s shirt, slowly unbuttoning it, the smaller man leaving a shaky breath out at the contact of Chanyeol’s fingertips on his, tracing his collarbone after freeing it from the shirt’s enclosure.

“Oh, you do?” Baekhyun questioned amusingly.

Chanyeol’s mouth hovered over his boyfriend’s ear, hot breath tickling his skin as he groaned, hands now roaming his chest and his hips rolling in a teasing manner, softly rubbing their bulges together, Baekhyun being very compliant. “I do. Want me to test it?”

Baekhyun grabbed his lover’s hair and pulled him closer to the side of his neck, hand wandering over his back while Chanyeol accepted the invitation and deeply kissed and wetted his skin with his tongue as he dragged it over the surface , Baekhyun’s heart rate already quicker. “Please do,” he exclaimed, his voice breathy, laced with desire and a hint of challenge.

 

⋯⋯⋯⋯ ◇ ⋯⋯⋯⋯

 

The next day, after Baekhyun took the firm resolution to have a serious and much needed talk with Jongdae, now fully acknowledging his mistake and wanting nothing more than for him and his friends to be at peace with it and to move on, he was standing at his friend’s doorstep, feet pacing from left to right as his nerves made his whole body unable to stand still. The constant churn in his stomach for past days felt insignificant compared to the one he had at that moment, as nervous as could be. He barely managed to eat in the morning, not even being able to drink a single sip of water. Just the mere thought of consuming anything made his stomach complain in protest. The stress caused from their argument was starting to pile up in a dangerous and unpleasant way.

But no matter how much he intended to end the whole ordeal that was messing everyone up, he couldn’t help but freeze when his finger was hovering over the doorbell. His index finger was shaking like a leaf when he was about to press it down, cowering away every time his flesh made contact with the plastic material that would indicate his presence. He kept repeating Chanyeol’s comforting words he had told him the previous evening when they were lying together on the couch, still warmly wrapped under the covers. He kept recalling his boyfriend’s words in his mind like a mantra, hoping for it to give him courage, but it was easier to hear his voice than do what he said.

However, Baekhyun was completely taken by surprise when the front door opened before he could even press the doorbell, revealing a serious looking Jongdae, hair freshly combed and wearing a set of casual and simple clothes, a stain shyly peeking around the collar of his shirt. Baekhyun instantly froze, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights. The two men stared into each other’s eyes for a moment, neither of them saying a single word or even attempting to. It was the first time they exchanged eye contact for this amount of time ever since their fight. Baekhyun gulped loudly, taken off guard, and opened his mouth to at least greet him or just to say something, anything to break the ice. After a few attempts under Jongdae’s piercing stare, he managed to do so.

“H- Hi.” He mentally scolded himself for stuttering and being so weak compared to what he thought was a firm resolution from the previous day.

“Hey,” Jongdae merely replied back, eyes boring holes into Baekhyun’s. He seriously felt intimidated, but his response only proved that Jongdae was receptive, which was a good sign.

An awkward silence floated in between the two friends, doing nothing less than increasing Baekhyun’s uncomfortable position. This situation was pure torture for him.

“How did you know that...that I was here?”

“I saw you from the window.”

Baekhyun instantly glanced at his right and left sides, noticing the two wide windows that gave him away. He chuckled nervously, “Ah, right...”

“I watched you for a while, pacing so much it almost made me dizzy.”

Baekhyun kept silent after his friend’s statement, clueless about how to reply or what to do at that moment and unable to figure out what Jongdae's state of mind or intentions were. He could feel trails of sweat rolling over the back of his neck at the nervousness pulsating in his whole body.

After a painful and relatively long moment, as well as many uncomfortable glances back and forth, Jongdae opened the door wider, revealing the furniture in his home. “Come in, I was about to make coffee now that my sister is gone grocery shopping and that the kids finished eating breakfast,” he said, voice confident but movements hesitant, betraying what could be a genuine invitation.

“Shopping? Shouldn’t she be at work?”

Jongdae raised an eyebrow questioningly, “It’s Sunday today, Baek.”

Baekhyun’s eyes widened in realisation. He had been so caught up with the mess that happened that past few days that he completely forgot which day it was. Sunday was usually one of the rare days Jongdae could fully spend with his family before their performances in the evening and when they didn’t have band practices. He couldn’t have chosen a worse timing than that to visit him, especially since they only had planned a quick soundcheck later before their performance. He glanced at the stain on his friend’s shirt that was probably the work of the kids, now placing the puzzle pieces together.

“I am so sorry Dae, I totally forgot about which day it is, I’m-”

“Hey, I don’t mind. Come in before I change my mind.”

Even before the duo could move, the two elementary students who had finished their meal heard Baekhyun by the door and instantly ran up towards him when noticing his presence, pulling him into their home after showering him with high pitched giggles and strong hugs, delighted to be with the man they hadn’t seen in a while, keeping Baekhyun from leaving and Jongdae from closing the door shut before the adults were unwillingly dragged towards the living room.

They both silently gave in to the adorable and irresistible children, having Baekhyun listen to them rambling about the new toys their mother gave them after receiving some grade results, congratulating them for their hard work and investment into their school activities. Baekhyun glanced at Jongdae a couple of times while the latter's nephews kept shooting their untamable energy at the adults, Jongdae wearing a kind and genuine smile while hearing them boast about their accomplishments for the hundredth time, which eased the churn inside Baekhyun’s stomach for a moment, relieved to see another expression than a scowl on his dear friend’s face.

After the tornado that was the two over energetic kids was over, the two men finally found peace while sitting by the kitchen table. They slowly drank their hot liquid, less tense and more at ease after the kids had diminished the tension in the air with their excitement and warm smiles, leaving the two adults a little bit more comfortable in each other’s company. However, no matter how diminished it was, the tension was back when a heavy silence started building up around them, reminding them of the reason why Baekhyun was there in the first place and tearing them apart from the children’s fleeting distraction.

Baekhyun put his empty mug on the table and looked straight into Jongdae's eyes, who locked his gaze on him too. Baekhyun took a deep breath and braced himself for the conversation he wasn't fearing as much anymore, proceeding on letting his heart out and having the firm resolution to clear the whole issue out.

"I am really sorry, Jongdae. The past few days have been killing me and I am really, genuinely sorry for what I said, but it doesn’t mean that I am not taking the band seriously at all, I hope you can understand that. I-”

“But you-”

“Please let me finish and don’t cut me, Jongade. I’ve been waiting for too long to be interrupted like that.”

The latter slightly squinted his eyes before tensing and nodding, clearly not enjoying the conversation and not being able to say what had been in his mind as well. It was equally difficult for the both of them.

“Thank you. So as I was saying, I know that my suggestion was way too absurd. Chanyeol knows it too, I talked it out with him, and he agrees with me on this and also understands your reaction, but believe me when I am saying that it wasn’t my intention at all to make it seem like I see the band as a child’s play or that I would take anyone into our group, because that isn’t the case at all. I am sorry for bringing this idea up. It’s just that I have played with Chanyeol a couple of times and I really like it. He’s great, even if he isn’t to our level yet.”

“Sorry to interrupt you, but why did you suggest him to join then? I can’t grasp my mind around it. You know perfectly well that he can’t be a part of our group, so why did you suggest it anyway?”

“I don’t know. I just- I think my mind was too clouded by too many things...and you were entirely right. But I acknowledge my mistake so I am here to give my deepest apologies and to say that our conflict is killing me. I just want you to understand that and to get my point of view in all of this.”

“I am sorry Baek, but right now, I can’t seem to understand you. And honestly, I don’t even want to try to do that, at least not now. I don’t know why I opened the door for you either because I am still mad at you.”

“What do you want me to say then?! You don’t seem like you want to solve our situation at all while I have been stressing out for the past days like crazy because I feel insanely guilty!”

“I don’t know, just give me a few more days to sort everything out and calm down! This is too soon for me! I am feeling bad on my side too, you know?”

“Then why don’t we talk it out now, like actual adults, instead of rising our voices and being stubborn? I just want to solve this, for you, me and the whole group. Things were finally starting to get better but our petty fight had to ruin everything!”

“It isn’t petty! What you suggested seriously upset me! Our band, music, is something I have been devoting most of my life for, yet you just casually put Chanyeol into the picture, someone who doesn’t have more than a few months of experience in jazz, and you think I’ll just happily accept it? Kyungsoo and Yixing might not have taken it too much to heart, but at least they take the band seriously.”

“If someone is taking the band seriously here, it’s me, don’t you dare say otherwise because if you do, you clearly don’t know me.”

Jongdae stared into Baekhyun’s eyes, clearly fuming and about to lose it as well. No matter how much Baekhyun was trying to keep his cool, it was way too hard when Jongdae was pushing his buttons at the wrong places. His patience was running low with each word that were spat, his desire to solve the issue crumbling with the way Jongdae was looking at him; hard and closed up, refusing to let him reason at least a little bit. Baekhyun was truly upset about the turn the conversation was taking and extremely disappointed at Jongdae. He felt like he was the only one who was truly making efforts. But what hurt him the most was that he understood how his friend felt and couldn’t resent him at all for that.

“If you knew that you weren’t ready to talk to me, why did you let me in? Why didn’t you keep the door closed or shoo me away?”

“It was tempting, but I can’t resist the kids and kick you out, especially when you’re looking so pitiful. I might be mad at you, but you’re still looking like shit, Baek.”

Baekhyun let a dry chuckle past his lips, “Looks like I am not pitiful enough for you to care.”

“I care. I care a lot, that’s why I am so angry. But no matter what you will say to me, right now it just sounds absurd to me. I feel awful too, Baek. I hate the weird atmosphere between us and the band, I hate avoiding making eye contact with you, but what I hate the most is the resentment and hatred I get when I do lock eyes with you. I don’t want to feel like that around you, but I can’t stop those fucking feelings. They don’t want to go away. I really want to forgive you and understand you, but I can’t. I tried, I fucking tried, but it won’t leave me alone. I am sorry about saying all those things to you, especially since I know deep down that our band is as precious to you as it is to me and all the other guys and I said a lot of things solely because of my anger, and I am sorry about that, but right now, I just need space. You can blame my stubborn self or my disgusting habit of holdings grudges for longer than I would like, but please understand that I care for you and that I hate what is going on between us. I really mean it, Baek.”

Baekhyun took in his friend’s words and listened closely to his revelations while observing his friend’s gestures, his eyes flicking from him to the table or the coffee mugs, his hair progressively disheveled as he kept raking his hands in his strands as he spoke more and more. Jongdae truly looked pained and sad, his eyes bearing distress. Baekhyun hated to see him in that state, especially knowing he was the cause of it.

“I hoped when letting you in, or rather the kids dragging you before I could cower away, that I would be able to look you into the eyes and tell you that I get it and that I forgive you. But I can’t. I can’t yet. I know that I am acting like a child right now and that how I feel is pointless, I am well aware of that, but those fucking feelings are clinging to me. And I can’t do shit about it.”

At that moment, the sound of the door opening made the band mates flinch, as well as the two kids who were rigidly standing by the door, looking wide eyed at the two men while their mother was coming inside the house with her arms full of bags.

“Jongdae! Could you help me? There are other bags in the car and some of them are a bit too heavy for me- Oh, hello Baekhyun! Nice to see you!”

Baekhyun smiled, void of the usual sparks that weren’t reaching his eyes and unable to pretend it wasn’t the case as his eyes were still locked on the man before him, “Hello, Jae-eun.”

“I haven’t seen you in a while! How are you doing? Are you staying for lunch? I was planning on making soondubu jjigae, you are more than welcomed to stay with us!”

The guest finally averted his eyes from his friend and looked at the woman, more radiant than the last time he had seen her. After what Jongdae told him about her and her complex situation, he was relieved to see that she was in a better state than he had imagined her to be. Jae-eun was truly an amazing woman and he only wished her the best. He flashed a tiny but genuine smile, “it’s really nice of you, but I’ll return home. I don’t want to interrupt your family time,” Baekhyun added while looking again at Jongdae, the tension still palpable in the air.

“Don’t worry, Baekhyun, you aren’t disturbing us in any way.”

“Thank you so much, but I have to go. I’ll come back some other time.”

Jae-eun bid her goodbye as well as the kids who rushed towards their mother after catching the two musicians argue, helping her to unpack the content of the bags she had brought with her. Baekhyun didn’t waste time to exit the house in a hurry, not wanting to bath into their toxic atmosphere and to ruin the family’s day, but he left while paying attention to not come off as impolite even if he was dying to breathe some outdoors air for a moment, for his heart to stop being so loud and his stomach to cease its churning. Jongdae silently accompanied him at the doorstep after telling his sister that he would bring the other bags inside. He gently closed the door halfway, giving them a little bit privacy, the deafening silence between the two friends being covered by the noises coming from the kitchen.

“I just need some more space, Baek. Give me a couple of days and we’ll talk more another time. I am sorry. Please understand me.”

How couldn’t he? Baekhyun had an understanding nature and a lot of compassion, something he took pride in, but that ended up hurting him at times, this one being no exception. He couldn’t understand Jongdae more than at that moment. He had gone through this in the past and he knew how awful it was to deal with such feelings and thoughts, his conversation with his friend pulling some memories back. He just hoped he would be able to wait for him to settle it down and that Jongdae wouldn’t take too long. Baekhyun had no idea for how long he would be able to bear with the whole situation that only increased his pain even further than it was. He wanted to be patient for him, but it was easier said than done.

“I know...See you tonight.” He flashed a barely noticeable smile as a sign before turning his heels and walking off, his steps heavy and his heart aching. He truly hoped that their conversation would have taken another turn, yet he was feeling as bad as when he was at the front door some time earlier. The emotions weren’t the same, but nothing was solved either. He took his phone out and dialed a number after glancing back at Jongdae’s house and watching him locking the car’s doors after taking the remaining bags of grocery out.

 _“Hello?_ _”_

“Hey. Are you free now, Yixing?”

 

 

 [Bill Evans - My Foolish Heart](https://youtu.be/a2LFVWBmoiw)


	23. Chapter XIX

Chanyeol was very restless and utterly exhausted. Between his frequent jam sessions with the students and the issues in Baekhyun’s group that made the atmosphere at the bar gloomy, he had barely any time to spare, mixed with his shifts at Cloud 9. Three weeks had passed since Baekhyun and Jongdae’s argument and it was already the start of April, but while the weather was slowly warming up and his favourite season was close by, Chanyeol’s mood kept exponentially being dragged down. The two jazz musicians’ relationship was in better condition, their ties smoother than a few weeks back and the band progressively renewed their bond, which eased the tension in the bar that had diminished a lot recently, but Chanyeol was constantly battling against unwanted feelings, which only added an unnecessary and heavy layer of stress on his shoulders.

Ever since Baekhyun had told him about the possibility, or rather impulsive suggestion, of him joining the band, even though it wasn’t really an option, the idea lingered in his mind. Even if he had laughed it off at first, he found himself imagining what it would have been like if he actually had joined the group, how it would have felt to have such skilled and incredible musicians by his side, to perform with them on stage, to have the honour to share the same love and passion for music with incredible people. But they were out of reach and Chanyeol couldn’t help but envy them. He always did, but after having grazed the opportunity and the idea even just the slightest, for it to have been brought up on the table between some of the musicians he admired the most, it hurt even more when he was denied access to what had unconsciously become his unattainable dream. He had spent an afternoon at Yixing’s place with the band shortly after Baekhyun had met Jongdae. They talked it out and it was officially stated that Chanyeol wouldn’t be a part of the group. But Kyungsoo’s and Yixing’s encouraging words about him being talented and having potential gave him faith that he could improve even more and that someday he would be able to reach their level and maybe be by their side. It became some sort of secret hope or wish, something he kept buried deeply in his mind and couldn’t fight off no matter how hard he tried and how absurd it was to hold onto such a thing.

But while he was immensely motivated at first to do the best he could pull off and to match their level as quickly as possible, his resolution considerably dropped. He noticed the wide gap between his skills and the other musicians’ quite fast, and the students at the university weren’t sparing him at all. After Chanyeol had voiced his intentions of stepping up his game and seriously develop his skills, to the point of asking them to not be as nice and patient with him as they used to be, they were especially demanding and constantly pushed him to reach his limits, sometimes even far passed it. Some musicians with whom he practiced with were understanding and gave him space for improvement, let him go at his own pace, but others always asked for more, criticized what he did wrong and were sometimes even harsh. Chanyeol didn’t really mind it at first; he loved challenges more than anything else and to see the fire in their eyes pushed him to work his hardest, as well as watching Baekhyun’s group perform daily at Cloud 9, even with the diminishing tension between the members, but that was still present.

Chanyeol was especially motivated after Dongyoung, a student and jazz guitarist he appreciated a lot, had suggested for his professor at university to pay them a visit and supervise one of their practice sessions. It was an experience in which he learned a lot and that also stressed the hell out of him, but the professor left instructive comments about his playing and it lifted his spirits up. Minseok was also kind enough to give him some tips when he had a free period at university, going out of his way to find him in a practice room and guide him or answer his questions. However, it was also becoming a burden and Chanyeol was losing his will to surpass himself at how intense his schedule was and how the students could be. It consumed all his energy and he was seriously starting to lose it. Baekhyun told him that they probably did all of that because they believed he had potential and that it was solely to kick his ass so he would improve even faster, but it was seriously getting on Chanyeol’s nerves in the long run.

And to top it off, there was one student in particular that was quite pushy, Yeong Ho, a student Chanyeol wasn’t too fond of in the first place. He didn’t hang out with him a lot, only on a few occasions, and it was enough to sate him from the little Yeong Ho dose he could handle, but since he also was a guitarist and had more free time the past weeks, he had guided Chanyeol a little bit more than usual against the latter’s will because, unfortunately, Dongyoung had other things to tend to.

Chanyeol and Yeong Ho were constantly on thin ice, especially the past week. It had always been the case, but Chanyeol somehow had the decency to let it pass as he tried to keep his temper at bay, something he had been working on. The guy had the natural born talent to irk him, sometimes for unknown reasons. Chanyeol simply didn’t like him, be it a rational distaste or not. But he was running short on patience, which was extremely low these past days, and being in Young Ho’s company only shortened his temper which was already fragile as it was.

Not only were their practice sessions very tense, especially the first one of the week, but Chanyeol really lost it that day. They played a song that alternated solos, Yeong Ho and Chanyeol dialoguing with their instruments, but Yeong Ho was extremely pushy and aggressive. He kept playing those flashy and fast licks, coming up with dynamic and fresh ideas and giving Chanyeol side glances while doing so, pretentious and overly confident. Chanyeol retorted back, trying to outmatch him, but he was so under pressure and getting madder by the second that he interrupted their solos and almost threw his guitar on the floor, powerful urges crashing onto him while he was controlling himself not to jump on the other man and give him a piece of his mind. He was infuriated at how Yeong Ho was treating him. But the other guitarist wasn’t having it either and they both ended up quarrelling, which abruptly ended their practice session on a bad note, Chanyeol storming out of the practice studio after flashing his middle finger to the fucker.

As much as Chanyeol had tried to restrain himself from blowing up after all the students had done for him, something he had succeeded to do for a while, he spent the next few days without contacting the students. He was too engrossed in his rage and disappointment about everything surrounding his faltering dream, the stress piling up and his despair at the constant reminder that he wasn’t good enough. The more he picked his guitar up, the farther away his dream appeared to be; his one and ultimate goal to have a band of his own, to find musicians with whom he could share the experience in happiness, musicians that sadly weren’t in the group he admired the most at that moment in the jazz scene. While it seemed like a possibility and his source of motivation only a couple of weeks ago, it was now barely like a fog in front of his own eyes, dispersing more and more into the air and leaving him in confusion and solitude, only the faint cold of the mist floating around him.

But as the rest of the week passed by, his anger had diminished, ceding its place to sadness and despair. And while Baekhyun was gaining his spirits up, his band getting along way more than the past weeks, Chanyeol’s mood was deflating. No matter how awful Chanyeol felt in all of this, the more the group found their initial spark back, the more his own faltered. And now, he had messed up with the students by blowing up and he had no idea how to deal with himself and all the ugly feelings that assaulted him without rest.

“-eol. Chanyeol!”

Said man’s body and mind jolted in surprise, his thoughts harshly disrupted. When he gained his focus back, he saw the two students looking at him and only then he realised that they had stopped playing and that his mind had completely driven off.

“Are you alright Chanyeol? You’ve been spacing out a lot today.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry guys,” Chanyeol apologised while straightening his posture. “Where were we?”

The students gave each other glances, “Maybe we should stop here? We can practice next week instead.”

“Yeah, don’t force yourself, Yeol. You’ve been looking like shit lately. And don’t worry, Dongyoung will be free next time. We already asked him.”

Chanyeol ruffled his hair, uneasy. “I am so sorry, really. I fucked everything up last time with Yeong Ho-”

“Don’t worry about that, man,” Hongbin said while patting Chanyeol on the back after putting his drumsticks out. “He deserved it. I think you need some rest, we’ve been hard on you lately too.”

“But I asked you for it.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t tell us to be nicer. You are allowed to step on your ego too at times, you know?” Sanghyuk added playfully as he placed his trombone on its stand. “Now everyone take some rest and get out! I’m claiming this room. I’ve got a lot of practice for the upcoming class concert.”

“What?! I need this room too, it’s one of the only rooms with a drum! You find another one instead!”

“But they are all taken! The seniors all have their final exams soon and all the rooms are taken at this time of the day! I should have priority; I have a performance soon while yours was last week!”

Chanyeol chuckled lightly while witnessing their small argument as he put his guitar back in its case. Those two were quite a duo, bickering at every occasion they could, yet their friendship was truly admirable. They had been neighbours for as long as they could remember, grew up together and nourished their common passion for jazz in each other’s company. Chanyeol found their friendship fantastic and beautiful. It was apparent that they deeply cared for each other and that they had seen quite a lot together. But no matter what happened, be it disagreements or aging, they still stuck to each other like glue.

From all the students he practiced with, they were the closest to him and the nicest of the bunch, along with Dongyoung and Wonsik. The latter was also a student at the university, not in jazz, but rather composition, electro acoustic music. But Wonsik was not solely a composer; he was also a musician. He played accordion and liked experimenting with bandonenón too. He sometimes wandered around the halls where the practice rooms were and assisted Chanyeol’s and his friends’ sessions sporadically, out of pure curiosity.

“Thank you guys, and I’m sorry again.”

The duo stopped bickering and directed their attention towards Chanyeol, who already had his case on his back.

“Don’t mention it. Take some good rest and we’ll see each other soon!”

“Yes! Oh and Yeol, when will you buy the jazz guitar your eyes are set on? Are you getting it soon?”

“Yeah, I am planning on going to the store sometime next week. I can’t continue to play jazz with my Fender anymore.”

“Nice!” Hongbin exclaimed. “Can we join you? I want to see the beauty with my own eyes, not just through pictures on your phone.”

“Actually, I was planning on going with Baek.”

Sanghyuk raised his eyebrows and wiggled them teasingly, “a date with the boyfriend?”

“Shut up.”

“Look, he’s blushing!”

“Fuck off, man! I’m not! And Minseok will be coming too!”

“Yeah, keep pretending you’re a tough guy. Anyway, Wonsik told me he could go at Cloud 9 next week. I’m not sure when, but he might pop up sometime. We never know with him anyway. He’s excited to see the place.”

“I’m sure he will love it!”

“We’ll see. See you later, guys.”

Chanyeol left the two childhood friends, who stayed behind to practice on their own. Seeing that he still had some time left before the start of his shift at the bar, he decided to stroll around the campus of the university. With his guitar case safely secured on his shoulders, he walked slowly around the music department, an area he was starting to be very familiar with because of all the past months spent by jamming with the students there. He knew most of the corridors and halls as if he had spent years behind those walls.

However, as he kept walking around the department and the huge campus, each step dragged his mood down even deeper. Crossing paths with various students from different majors, seeing some of them focused into their heavy books or chatting animatedly, walking past by some professors and catching glimpses of classrooms and bigger halls made him feel small. The university hosted thousands of students, people younger than him, who had dreams and ambitions, people whom he didn't envy at all since about half of them probably studied in fields they weren't truly interested in, because that's how it was supposed to be; rank high in society's ladder, have a well paid job, have a clean and faultless name, work overtime and drink at night to forget how miserable the norm made them feel. He didn't envy these people at all. But in spite of that, a lot of students in the bunch most likely had a bright future ahead of them, although the term ‘bright’ was debatable. Yet he was walking around, with no diploma in hands and his goals disappearing farther away with every effort he made. He was older than the majority of them, but also the least successful, at least in terms of society's expectations, and it wasn't a secret either that he had overall failed almost everything in his life until he met the jazz musicians at the bar. However, it was a heavy weight to bear; to follow his own ideal in a world where it wasn't welcomed, an ideal that was too hard to reach.

But somehow, no matter how much distaste he felt while observing the students, he also felt an odd desire to seriously do something about his professional life. He was content with his current job at Cloud 9. He couldn't have asked for anything better than being surrounded by music and excellent musicians and friends, but he also wished he could be like the students and go further. He had no idea how, aside from practicing with the students and study jazz by himself, and he felt like nothing was being achieved and that he was sinking into a deep, suffocating sea.

Baekhyun’s performance with the band that evening did wonders to make Chanyeol drown even deeper into his draining swirl. Whenever he watched the band exchange glances and smiles, or being focused on their parts, whenever he could feel Jongdae’s complicity with the musicians reach a higher level throughout their performance, his stomach churned in envy. He was genuinely happy for the group and for Baekhyun; things were progressing smoothly and Jongdae was finally loosening up around his friend after the past tortuous weeks that affected everyone at the bar, the two of them conversing like they used to, even though he would sometimes glance at Chanyeol with an expression he couldn’t really decipher. But Jongdae had apologized to him and told him that he had made a lot of judgements on his side. Chanyeol understood him and what he meant, but if anything, it only made him feel worse. He was growing tired of all the ugly feelings taking huge proportions in him, feelings he thought he had made peace with, but were showing him wrong.

And as Chanyeol watched the band play their last song, he felt miserable. He wondered how long it would take for him to achieve anything, if forming a band with as great of a connection as them would be possible, and if so, when? At the pace he was stuck in, it wouldn't be so soon.

It felt like an eternity before the customers left. Chanyeol only wanted one thing; to head home and sleep. He could barely concentrate on what the other guys were saying when they were getting ready to leave as he was spacing out and being hyper aware of the poor state of fatigue his body and mind were in.

“I have some news, everyone!” Sehun shook Chanyeol’s shoulders, asking for his attention and making him blink and fall back into consciousness as he was suddenly aware of his surroundings, but not enough to catch Baekhyun’s worried glance in his direction. “It’s official. I will be attending university starting next semester! I was accepted in the sound engineering program!”

Loud cheers erupted in the empty bar, all the men congratulating Sehun for the news. Yixing bumped his shoulder and hugged him tightly, the other musicians doing the same. “That’s amazing Sehun! Congratulations! When did you get the confirmation?”

“Today! I got the letter this morning!”

The hug festival went for the next few minutes, but aside from shortly tapping Sehun’s back and giving him encouraging words, Chanyeol zoned out the rest of the time, all the voices around him muted and like mere mumblings far away.

He had no idea how or when it happened, but when he gained full consciousness again, he was outside of the bar, the jazz enthusiasts still cheering for Sehun.

“On this special occasion, I need to treat you to my finest wine collection at home,” Junmyeon exclaimed with a wide and fond grin as he circled his arm around Sehun’s tall frame, rubbing his shoulder warmly and his eyes sparkling in pure proudness.

“It’s already too late, past two o’clock, we can celebrate some other time.”

“I insist,” the owner continued. “It’s been a while since you’ve come to my place and we both have a day off tomorrow. I have been saving my wine for too long, it needs to be savoured and what better occasion to do so than now?”

“Fuck, that sounds fantastic. Thank you Junmyeon!”

“Count us in!” added Jongdae, Yixing and Kyungsoo smiling in approval. “It’s a special day, we can’t just leave you like that! You don’t have enough alcohol in your system yet, we should celebrate!”

“How about the kids, though? Don’t you have to drive them to school tomorrow?” asked Kyungsoo in concern.

“I can arrange something. My sister could drop them off earlier, I’m pretty sure of that. One exception won’t hurt. I’ll send her a quick text to warn her about it and I’ll also ask Jongin if he can join us. Minseok probably won’t be able to, but I’ll contact him too just in case. There’s no way I am leaving Sehun like that tonight.”

“Great! Are you two coming?”

“I’d love to join you all, but I think Chanyeol and I will head home at my place instead. I am extremely tired and Chanyeol doesn’t look too great either, he’s been practicing and working a lot lately. We’ll redeem ourselves next time,” the smaller man replied after glancing at Chanyeol and before the latter could even open his mouth to say a word.

Truthfully, Chanyeol wasn’t up to go at Baekhyun’s place that much since he only wished for some quiet and time by himself, but his apartment was closer than his home and he wasn’t too keen on drinking more that night either, so the offer sounded more appealing than spending a sleepless and noisy night. He looked at Baekhyun with a small and tired smile curving his lips, grateful for his answer and consideration.

“Yes, of course! It’s understandable.”

“You two take care of yourselves. We’ll get wild tonight!”

The group of friends laughed cheerfully at Jongdae’s words and left the couple by themselves, the other men’s laughter and loud voices getting farther away as the lovers started to head towards Baekhyun’s apartment. Each step Chanyeol took were heavy and even though he hadn’t drank a lot of alcohol, his head started to pound in its own accord, refusing to give him the rest he needed. Baekhyun was walking alongside him, hand brushing the other until the smaller man linked their fingers and rubbed circles with his thumb affectionately. Chanyeol gently squeezed his hand in return and sighed before continuing their silent walk as they took the smallest roads and let the rather warm air brush their clothes, leaving some kind of comfort that somehow enhanced Chanyeol’s gloomy thoughts.

Silence was still enveloping them when the couple entered Baekhyun’s apartment, the men removing their shoes and light coats before heading towards the kitchen. Baekhyun offered tea to Chanyeol, an offer he didn’t refuse even if he wasn’t really a fan of the drink. Some warm liquid was greatly welcomed. A few minutes later, both of them were standing next to the kitchen’s counter, glass cups in hands and herbal smoke caressing their nostrils.

“What’s going on, Chan?”

Chanyeol blew over the hot drink, inhaling its scent before taking a sip, his body instantly a little bit relaxed, “Nothing much.”

“We both know that’s not true. You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“I know...” Chanyeol sighed, feelings jumbled once again, something that was way too recurrent to his taste lately. Baekhyun had figured him out, but unlike usual, he didn't have the courage to explain his thoughts to him. Maybe because he was ashamed or afraid to disappoint him, but he was also on the verge of exploding and didn't want to risk it at that moment. “I just don’t want to talk about it now.”

“I’m worried about you. I know that something is on your mind, you’ve been obviously strange the past weeks.”

Chanyeol’s previously relaxed body stiffened in spite of the hot drink soothing his body, his nerves still over the edge, dangerously threatening to reach their limit, “I’m sorry, Baek...I’m just- I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong with me. I just need some peace and quiet.”

Baekhyun scooted closer to him and put his glass over the counter before gently closing in on the taller man, hand reaching for his cheek and brush it while the other settled on his hips, “I won’t force you to spill anything, but I’m here, anytime.”

His lover’s genuine concern made him feel insanely guilty for holding such dark feelings towards his band. His caresses, the feeling of Baekhyun’s fingers on his cheek, the expectant and trusting look in his eyes, his care made him feel monstrous for having sunk so low for such egotistic reasons. It was too much to bear and it ripped his heart apart.

Chanyeol put his glass down as well and pushed Baekhyun away from him, feeling unworthy of his affection. How could he deserve such love when he was holding impure thoughts about him?

“I’ll be going to sleep now. I’m sorry, Baek. Good night.”

“Chanyeol?”

Said man ignored his boyfriend’s questioning voice and made his way towards the couch, tea cups completely forgotten and lonely over the cold counter.

“Hold on, Chanyeol, what’s going on?”

Silence.

“You know what? I’ve been patient with you a whole lot the past days and it isn’t true that I’ll let you treat me like that when I’ve been trying to support you, even if I know nothing about what’s going on in your mind. It’s been weeks, yet you’ve been keeping things from me and I am having enough of this farce,” Baekhyun said as he followed Chanyeol towards the living room and turned him around, eyes meeting as Chanyeol truly looked distressed. “You’re better than that, Chanyeol. You’ve been acting like you used to months ago and I won’t let you fall into a hole like that again. I can’t decide for you and I can’t force you to say or do anything, but at least show me that you trust me and that you won’t keep things away from me anymore. I am also affected by your behaviour. You were probably too engrossed into your own worries that you didn’t even ask me how I was feeling.”

“How the fuck are you affected by me? You’ve been fucking happy the past weeks and are always around the group! You’re barely with me these days!” Chanyeol snapped, his already nonexistent patience controlling him. Baekhyun was staring straight at him, his eyes hard yet concerned.

“Maybe because you’re pushing me away? Or because being around you is too painful for me? Didn’t it cross your mind even once that you are isolating yourself and that it is extremely uncomfortable and stressful for me to be around you when I am being pushed away?”

“What do you mean? I am not pushing you away!”

“Yes, you are. You don’t see it, but you sure are. And it’s true; I am happier in general these days. The band has been way better and Jongdae is finally being himself again, but how the hell can I be truly happy when I really don’t know how to deal with myself and with you because seeing you so distressed is really taking a toll on me, especially since I have no clue how I can help? I am so, so happy that the band is doing much better, yet I am also completely at a loss because seeing you suffering like that without knowing anything is too painful. I can’t read your mind. And it’s really hard on me too! I don’t know how to act around you anymore, I don’t know what to say to you. I am so tired and exhausted by the pressure that has been inflicted on me ever since the band’s argument! The band might be better, but you’re also adding to my stress and I don’t know what to do anymore, Chanyeol. Please...I don’t want to argue like that. Just...just talk to me. That’s all I am asking for.”

Chanyeol watched Baekhyun’s eyes as they didn’t hold any of its usual brightness, his expression heartbreaking. Chanyeol took a moment to look back as they stared into each other’s eyes, breathing unsteadily. Baekhyun’s statements came out of nowhere and as he kept scrutinizing his expression through his own wild one, his vision blurred by his uncontrolled anger progressively softened as he truly realised the amount of emotions the man in front of him was bearing.

He recalled the times when Baekhyun was standing by him, smiling comfortingly or asking him out for a stroll or to go for a drink, when he went to Junmyeon’s house and paid him a visit, when he gave him tender kisses and touches to soothe him, ones he readily accepted at first and strongly reciprocated. He also recalled the times when he progressively declined some invitations and locked himself up in his room instead, with a guitar in hands and curses rolling off his tongue as he was practicing angrily. He recalled the moments when he told Baekhyun he was sleepy and didn’t play along when the latter teased him, choosing to be on his own rather than by his boyfriend’s side more often each passing week, whom he realised had been doing his best to support him and give him warmth.

As he was thinking about his behaviour the previous weeks, he understood the way he had been acting towards Baekhyun all the while. He not only had lacked respect towards Baekhyun, but to himself as well. Again. Baekhyun had only been considerate and nice, yet he treated him in ways he shouldn’t have and was stuck in his own mind instead. Baekhyun had always been his first and most important source of comfort and love, yet he deliberately pushed him away, along with his caring actions and love he needed. How selfish and blind had he been? He had managed to hurt the most precious person to him for invalid reasons.

Were there even valid reasons to act this way in the first place?

“Fuck, Baek, I’m so sorry, I’m so, so fucking sorry.” Chanyeol reached for Baekhyun, but the smaller man took a step back, eyes glassy with unshed tears.

“You notice it now, huh?” Baekhyun exclaimed, his voice shaky and hoarse. “I’m sorry but I think I need some sleep. I’m...I’m tired. Truly exhausted.”

Only then, Chanyeol noticed how broken and drained Baekhyun looked like. He wasn’t looking anything near to the man with whom he deeply loved. And it was his fault. “Baek, fucking shit, I am so sorry I acted like a dick. Let me explain myself-”

“You don’t need to. I know and I understand. I really do. But I don’t have much energy tonight anymore. I’ll just take a rest. We can talk this out tomorrow after some sleep and hopefully a refreshed state of mind. Not now, I can’t do this anymore.”

As Chanyeol watched him turn his heels and walk away in the kitchen, pouring the content of the glasses in the sink and washing the dishes, he felt sick, absolutely terrible. He had managed to hurt Baekhyun to such an extent, yet he was completely oblivious to it. Suddenly, flashbacks played in his mind like a video cassette, recalling the memories of his past years; his parents disowning him, his friends walking away, his band stealing his dream and shattering his heart apart at the same occasion, and all the dreadful feelings that came with it violently shot through him. They all abandoned him and he didn’t want a repeat of that. And as he was watching Baekhyun finish cleaning the dishes and heading towards his bedroom, he felt like he was far away, the man he cherished the most dissipating into thin air. He felt like a man trying to breathe in the water, uselessly searching for an inaccessible last breath.

Fear. He had forgotten what pure fear was.

And he had also forgotten how his past self maybe wasn’t that far gone either.

“Please don’t leave me.”

At that moment, Baekhyun turned around, facing him. He stood still for a moment, in complete silence and confusion until his eyes widened in realisation. Chanyeol’s words weren’t a command; they were a plea of help, a reaching hand, a shaky voice that held pure panic and fright.

As soon he registered the meaning behind the words and its tone, Baekhyun quickly walked towards him and Chanyeol only realised he was crying when he felt Baekhyun wipe his warm tears away with his palms as he was directing Chanyeol’s eyes towards his, barely able to distinguish anything as they were fogged with tears. “Hey, Chan, I’m not leaving. I’m right here, I’m with you. I have always been, I never left.”

“Don’t leave me, Baek. Please don’t. I’m so sorry. I need you-” he choked in his sobs and gripped Baekhyun’s shirt strongly, hanging onto something, anything before he would crumble.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here with you. Look at me, listen to me. I am so sorry, I didn't mean what I said in that way.”

Chanyeol sobbed for a while as Baekhyun kept murmuring soothing words into his ears, whispering sweet nothings and assuring him that he wouldn’t leave him. No matter how badly he had treated Baekhyun, the latter was still by his side and ready to push his own torments and deepest exhaustion away to help him with his own, for his sake, for their sake. Chanyeol felt his heart being torn yet again as he hugged Baekhyun like he was holding onto his lifeline, listening to his voice as it was lulling him into a safer state of mind, the tone of voice he loved so much comforting him, the body he was crazy about pulling Chanyeol’s into his like it was his own, the man he was helplessly infatuated with holding back onto him and reassuring him that, once again, he would stay by his side, just like he had promised so many times before.

Trust. He had trust in his lover, but not in himself.

The night was cold in spite of the room's warm temperature, the lovers' bodies glued to each other under Baekhyun’s covers. The night was lonely in Chanyeol’s heart that broke down and Baekhyun’s that was aching. But the night was spent with the two men safely wrapped under the warm covers of Baekhyun’s bed, bodies molded against each other, and showered with unfaltering touches, like promises of a better tomorrow and shattered pieces put back together, like a prayer that vowed eternal support and never ending love.

With bare souls and shared suffering.

 

 

[Thelonious Monk - Don't Blame Me](https://youtu.be/KshrtLXBdl8)


	24. Chapter XX

Baekhyun’s voice resonated in Cloud 9, words flowing out of his mouth naturally, reaching each and every note with elegance, the richness of his timbre filling the space of the bar. Every fibre of his being was calm as he sang ‘These Foolish Things (Remind Me Of You)’ with his eyes closed, comfortably sitting down on a wooden chair, Chanyeol’s new Epiphone resonating as well as he gently plucked the strings while accompanying him. Baekhyun held his trumpet in his hand as he focused on every sound he made and the vibrations they created in his body and soul, savouring the dissonances accentuated by some of Chanyeol’s chords, taking his time to improvise a few lines and slide smoothly from one interval to the other, hyper aware of the sounds the duo made in front a nonexistent audience. Baekhyun softly hummed for a moment while Chanyeol continued to play with his new guitar, before he lifted his trumpet up, licked his lips and started to make his instrument sing, eyes still closed and at peace with himself and his surroundings.

No matter what happened in his life, music was always his safe haven, be it through pain, joy or sadness. That’s one of the things he liked most about it; it permanently accompanied him and always made him feel complete, even when he felt like pieces were missing. Music managed to fill his holes when he needed it, just like it could make him crumble as strongly in his toughest times, because music didn’t cure anything; it didn’t give solutions nor did it do anything concretely. But it was a best friend, a loyal supporter, a shoulder to lean on and a pillow to cry into. Music was pure understanding and freedom; music was a lifelong companion.

And it could also link souls. Baekhyun could strongly feel it while playing with Chanyeol. A week had passed since both of their breakdowns, a week that was anything but easy as Baekhyun gave a lot of his time and energy into giving his deepest support to his boyfriend, juggling between the band’s schedule and his spare time with a man who needed him and who was lost. Chanyeol fell back into an abyss, but Baekhyun could see that it wasn’t exactly the same as when they first met; Chanyeol was stronger and more aware of his actions. He felt regretful and guilty, awful in a lot of ways, but instead of diving face first into a part of himself he spent months strongly battling against, he was living it differently than he used to. Baekhyun didn’t know if Chanyeol was aware of it or not, but he could see a difference. And no matter how much of a hard time Chanyeol had handling himself and the people around him, Baekhyun was happy to see him gradually changing and being more conscious of the way he acted towards him after they had talked about Chanyeol’s inner turmoil. They were slow steps, but still leading towards a better place. And that’s all that mattered.

As they were playing together at that moment, Baekhyun felt comfortable with Chanyeol. A lot of struggles made their way into their past week, and for many reasons, but Baekhyun still felt peaceful at that moment. It was some kind of break during a storm, like the tides were less agitated and caressed them rather than push them from all directions. It felt like the sun peeking through thick clouds, giving its barely noticeable rays of light, but still providing warmth. It was pleasant.

When their last notes stopped echoing in the empty bar, leaving the space to a cozy silence, they breathed softly, bathing in each other’s presence and the feelings they had shared through the song they played and the previous ones. They sat still for a moment and Baekhyun slowly opened his eyes. He stared in front of him for a while, observing the view of the seats and the bar counter from the stage. He then turned his head around and met Chanyeol’s eyes.

The silence extended as their gazes were locked, Chanyeol having his guitar settled on his right leg as he was also sitting on a wooden chair. Their breaths were soft, yet their sounds were more audible as the seconds passed. Chanyeol was wearing an expression Baekhyun found absolutely beautiful; he was the most relaxed he had seen for a long time, his features softened and the sadness and anger his orbs usually held were dissipated as they were calmer and sparkling, even just the slightest. Neither of them dared averting their eyes; the two men kept gazing at each other, in complete silence, a strange and unexplainable pull linking them, no words needed at that moment to convey what they were feeling. And they somehow knew that their feelings were mutual. It was another thing Baekhyun adored about their relationship; no matter how different they were, they still understood each other and communicated on a special level.

Maybe Chanyeol became his favourite kind of music with all his colours and depth; from his laughter rolling off his tongue, soft, thick and sticky like caramel, sometimes sarcastic, other times small and lighter chuckles or full on, energetic, joyful and contagious laughter, to his quiet breaths when their mouths parted to grasp air, his hums when he sang with him or when he was lost in thought. His sobs that held pure sadness, but that showed his vulnerability and a part of himself he didn’t dare show anyone else, the words rolling off his tongue, clumsily or with agility, be it curses, raw statements or sweet nothings, his heart beating when they cuddled. But even the soundless actions from Chanyeol were like music to him.

“Are you guys finished? I am going to open the doors for the customers in a second.”

Junmyeon’s voice pulled them out of the almost trance-like state they were caught in, making Chanyeol look away and affirming that they were done after a second. Baekhyun’s eyes never left the man in front of him and he observed him while he removed the wire from his newest purchase before putting it back in its new and matching case, the red wooden instrument safely locked up and shielded from any potential external threats. Baekhyun’s eyes lingered on Chanyeol’s hair that was already longer, tied in a bun, a couple of wild curly strands peeking out and falling softly over his shoulder.

“How do you like your new guitar? Getting the hang of it already?”

“It’s still too early for that, Sehun. I just bought it yesterday. But I like it so far, it sounds great. You could have turned down the reverb though, it was a little bit too much.”

“Guitarists and their habits of never being satisfied with their sound. You told me that you liked reverb last time!”

“No need to exaggerate with it though.”

Baekhyun smiled at the sight of the two friends bickering while leaving his instrument on the stage. He was especially looking forward their performance that night. The band would play Kyungsoo’s composition in the opening set and Baekhyun was especially delighted that most of their songs included trumpet. Jongin would also accompany them on their second set and he was excited about sharing the stage once again with his childhood friend after a long time had passed. And Kyungsoo’s composition was truly amazing; it was written especially for their formation with great and interesting harmonies between the brass instruments and a few rhythm changes, rhythms that were quite a challenge for Yixing on the drums, but that were well thought. It was also meaningless to say that the bass line was tasty and a real pleasure to listen to. Kyungsoo’s talent truly would be in the spotlight, even though all instruments shined as well since he considered everyone to stand on equal grounds. And the main melody that based the whole song was incredibly well written. Indeed, Baekhyun was very much looking forward their performance that would take place in about an hour.

There were already a few customers that greeted the employees when they entered the bar as soon as the doors were opened, Chanyeol quickly putting his guitar at the side of the stage before taking his place behind the counter while Sehun guided the jazz enthusiasts towards their seats and handed them the menu. It didn’t take long before Kyungsoo and Yixing arrived, joining Baekhyun at the bar stool for a beer. The next hour was spent smoothly, the musicians drinking slowly and enjoying the slight buzz of their drinks, which made them relaxed and calm enough to give a performance without the alcohol influencing them.

Sehun suddenly motioned his chin towards the entrance, eyebrows furrowed in curiosity, “Hey guys, look at the guy who entered just now.”

The group of friends turned their heads around in a very unsubtle way, but that the stranger didn’t seem to have noticed. The man who had just stepped foot in the bar was one none of the group had seen before, and someone who didn’t look like the type to go into a jazz bar either. He seemed to be about their age, or in his early twenties, and he was wearing a jeans jacket, with the sleeves visibly hand cut up to his shoulders, which revealed tattoos that covered the whole expense of both arms, a pair of slightly loose dark jeans and a plain black tank top that revealed his bare shoulders. The weather was still too chilly to go out in such attire, but the stranger didn’t seem bothered by it at all. The man had very short and straight burgundy hair, the ends of his strands visibly thicker and damaged, probably caused by many previous hair dyes. He was tall and quite well built and looked more like a punk music fan than anything else. It was unusual to have such customers like him at the jazz bar.

“I’ve never seen him before.”

“Me neither-”

“Wonsik! You came?!”

All eyes followed Chanyeol’s movements as he excitedly left the bar stool to join his acquaintance, the two men fist bumping as the stranger’s eyes slowly lit up at the sight of the guitarist. Baekhyun observed the men’s interaction with interest.

“Hey, man! I hope I didn’t miss your performance!” The stranger scanned the whole bar slowly, eyes focused on each and every figure sitting in the bar. “Where are the other guys?”

“I don’t know, probably studying or something?”

“Isn’t the jam today? Why aren’t they coming?”

“It was yesterday.”

“Oh, fuck.”

“We texted you but you never replied.”

“Sorry, man! My phone’s battery died and i forgot to charge it today as well,” Wonsik said while scratching his hair.

“It’s fine, you are right on time for the band’s performance anyway.”

“Nice.”

“Baek, do you know him?”

Baekhyun shook his head, denying Sehun’s question. However, the man’s name rang a bell. Chanyeol might have mentioned a close friend from university called Wonsik, but they hadn’t really talked about him that much. Baekhyun only knew that the man was taking an important place in his life as he progressively recalled the information Chanyeol had shared about him and how much he valued Wonsik. Baekhyun observed Chanyeol and his friend a little bit longer as they chatted for a moment when his bandmates resumed their previous conversations again, Chanyeol’s expression more lively, which made Baekhyun smile at the sight. It was great to see him get along with other people than the regulars at the bar or the band. Once again, he felt warmth rising in his body, not because of the alcohol that kept flowing, but rather because of some sort of pride from watching Chanyeol bloom in this kind of way.

However, 7:35 o’clock was already hitting yet Jongdae and Jongin were nowhere to be seen. Junmyeon kept checking his phone after contacting the two men, but all his messages and calls were left unanswered. He was already used to deal with their tendency to be late on some occasions, but Junmyeon was unusually fidgety that night, the reason of it unknown to the other men as well, although they had an inkling about the cause of it. Baekhyun had also noticed the owner’s especially agitated nerves, but hadn’t commented on it, especially since Junmyeon had said that he was nervous about their performance for the first song, but that he could manage. Moreover, he hadn't shown any nervous sign as strongly previously during the day; it was sudden. Baekhyun was curious about it, suspecting that something else was bothering him, but decided to give him a breather instead. Just when he was about to check his phone for any notifications from them, the two long awaited musicians barged into the bar, out of breath.

“Sorry guys! We’re late! Fucking traffic jam!”

Junmyeon deeply sighed and ruffled his hair, “I was so worried about you two! Get ready quickly, we should start soon.”

Jongin and Jongdae obeyed without uttering a word, discarding their belongings while Jongdae went on stage and prepared his saxophone while Yixing headed towards his drum set after taking a last gulp of beer, Jongin sitting by the bar stool while Chanyeol handed him a glass of water. Baekhyun shared a questioning look with Kyungsoo, both wondering about what the reason could be for Junmyeon’s unnerving demeanor. But they couldn’t dwell on the matter since they soon joined their friend on the stage. Baekhyun stood in front of the microphone and settled the mood down. “Good evening everyone and welcome to Cloud 9! We are sorry for being a bit late, but our dearest saxophonist still has some problems managing his time, as you can see.”

“Shut up! I’m doing my best here!”

The band and the audience laughed, Jongdae elbowing Baekhyun as the latter chuckled, “alright, I get it. Sorry for the delay and I hope you will enjoy the show with a special set, where we’ll be welcoming Jongin on the piano for the second part. But before that, we have a couple of new pieces to play for you tonight and a special guest who will play the first song with us, none other than the owner of Cloud 9 himself, Junmyeon!"

Baekhyun glanced at the pianist who shyly sat on the piano bench while the audience clapped enthusiastically, Jongin whistling in the distance and deepening the first timer's blush at the unusual attention. Baekhyun teasingly winked at him and rubbed his arm in a soothing manner, aware of how nervous he was about the performance but delighted that he had accepted the band's offer to play a song with them. "I hope you’ll enjoy it and let jazz speak for itself. Thank you everyone for coming to see us and for your patience. Enjoy!”

The five men took their respective instruments and tuned them under the audience’s eyes. When they were all ready to perform, Jongdae played a few scales to warm up while the band jokingly jammed with him for a couple of minutes, which also broke the ice for Junmyeon by giving him a chance to calm his nerves and be more comfortable on the stage. When they were finally ready to seriously start playing, Baekhyun, as usual, counted the beats while snapping his fingers, barely managing to contain his smile and excitement. They started their set with Lee Morgan’s ‘Gary’s Notebook’. In spite of being under agitated nerves, Junmyeon performed quite well and the band was visibly happy about his playing. Baekhyun had always wanted for Junmyeon to show his skills in front of an audience, but the man didn't have the will or the desire to climb on a stage. He still accepted Jongin's idea after some motivational talk, managing to convince him, and the members were all very grateful about him joining them on this occasion.

The first part of their performance went very well, although Jongdae made more mistakes than usual in general, probably from the rush of arriving as early as possible to the bar and playing almost on the spot without a proper warm up, but aside from that, everything went quite smoothly and the audience loudly cheered after they had performed Kyungsoo’s composition, which concluded their first set. Their following one was as great and Baekhyun was truly delighted to be accompanied by Jongin. Regardless of the drinks he had in between the sets were influencing him or not, he felt insanely amazing while standing on stage, with either his trumpet in hands or his voice resonating in the bar, feeling content while playing by his friends’ side and rejoicing the feeling of not being bothered anymore by Jongdae. The band was truly doing great and it was absolutely relieving that their argument, no matter how awful it was, only led towards an even stronger bond between the members.

Moreover, throughout their performances, Baekhyun sometimes caught glimpses of Wonsik sitting alone at a table at the far back, Chanyeol sometimes standing by him as he observed the group as attentively as Wonsik. The sight alone rose his mood even more. He was incredibly happy to see the two exchange some words and smiles from time to time, or to simply see both men’s feet and heads moving along to the music.

When their performance with Jongin was over, the band joined Wonsik at the table, all intrigued by the man and wanting to get to know him. Yixing seemed particularly curious and kept asking him questions, Kyungsoo playing along as well while Baekhyun mostly watched their interactions, participating at times too as he savoured another beer. He had lost count at this point.

It was nearing midnight and the musicians were still chatting together, the band, Jongin and Wonsik having a couple of empty glasses on the table as they laughed at Wonsik’s revelations and free nature.

“Are you fuckin’ serious? You recorded your friend’s snores and used it for one of your pieces? That’s too fuckin’ hilarious!” Jongdae exclaimed loudly before falling into a laughing fit, the other men finding it as funny as him.

“Yeah! It was insane! It was so fun to modify the sounds and make something out of it.”

“Did you present it in a concert at uni too?”

“Of course! It was last semester’s project for the end of term.”

“You make me want to get into electro acoustic music! When is your class’ next concert? There’s no way I am missing that!”

“It was three weeks ago, but I’ll keep you updated for the next ones.”

“We should exchange phone numbers, it would make it easier!”

“Sure.”

The band all added Wonsik’s number in their contact list, everyone enjoying his presence. Baekhyun also liked his energy a lot. Wonsik was very laid back and held alcohol quite well, as he could see. He was a quiet and very humble guy, not boasting about his compositions and achievements even though Yixing and Jongdae were particularly invested into his ideas, the drummer and the saxophonist getting along with the composer to great extents. His looks were deceiving when it came to his personality, but Wonsik was as interesting as his style and Baekhyun understood why Chanyeol was so close to him; two marginals in their society, having their own ideals and unique point of views about the many issues involved in it. They were different in many aspects, but they were also similar in a lot of ways. Chanyeol and Sehun were too busy serving the customers to hang out with them, but Baekhyun caught Chanyeol’s eyes a couple of times and shared smiles, which increased Baekhyun’s mood. He was happy to see Chanyeol being more laid back than the past week.

Their third and last set was a little bit clumsier, the band having set loose on the alcoholic beverages in unusual and fascinating company to uphold a decent mind for a performance of their usual caliber, but they had a lot of fun and still managed to perform well. The audience was as enthusiastic as them, and probably as intoxicated too, and everyone had fun. It was all that mattered that night.

When all their performances were over, the musicians chatted yet again as the customers were leaving the bar, thanking everyone and joking around for a moment before exiting the place. While Baekhyun was in the middle of a conversation with the other musicians, he felt strong arms circling his waist and pulling him towards another body, which Baekhyun recognised as Chanyeol’s while the latter held him against his chest and rested his chin on Baekhyun’s shoulder after giving a light peck on the back of his neck. Baekhyun molded his body against his lover’s chest and closed his eyes as he absentmindedly focused on the man’s body warmth, the feeling of Chanyeol’s lips on his skin still lingering. Baekhyun hummed in comfort and the taller man tightened his hold.

“Everyone, I would like to present someone to you.”

The friends all turned their attention towards Junmyeon, who Baekhyun noticed had disappeared for a moment during the night. The owner was accompanied by an older man, who was standing by his side, a wide smile across his features. His gaze momentarily locked on Baekhyun, flicking from his eyes to Chanyeol’s hands circling his waist, before looking at the other members.

“Hello! I am Kim Kwang Seok, one of the organisers of Seoul’s jazz festival.”

All the musicians shared a few looks before bowing in respect, surprised that such an important figure was at Cloud 9. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Kim.”

Said man bowed as well, his smile never faltering, if not even widening. “Likewise. I heard about a certain band I should know about for a while now, and since I was free today, I came here to see you perform for the whole night. I talked with Junmyeon a little bit and asked to formally meet you.”

The man watched Baekhyun and Chanyeol again, making him suddenly aware of the fact that he was displaying some kind of affection with another man in front of someone that could impact their career in any way if he wanted to, be it positive or negative. The man was an important figure in the industry and Baekhyun realised that clinging to another man in such an intimate way could also ruin it for the band. Chanyeol slightly shifted and Baekhyun could feel his lover’s gaze on him as he instantly sobered up, fear stiffening his whole body at the thought that had crossed his mind.

His friends might not be prejudiced against homosexuality, but Baekhyun had forgotten that it wasn’t the case for everyone else, especially not the people from past generations like the man standing by Junmyeon’s side, watching his every move and wearing a grin Baekhyun had no idea anymore if it was genuinely directed at him or not.

“Baek, what’s wrong?” Chanyeol whispered into his ear, nobody else catching his words. Baekhyun audibly gulped as he was thrown into a dilemma he had never thought about before that moment; would he push Chanyeol away for the sake of his career? Would he have to choose love over music someday? If he would make a name with his band and eventually gain popularity and fully enter the jazz scene on a greater scale, would he be able to keep his relationship with Chanyeol, another man? To which extent his relationship could affect, or rather destroy his future?

But Baekhyun couldn’t leave the man he loved the most for such a reason, could he? Chanyeol needed his support and love and it would be selfish to give one of his dearest relationships for the sake of his career. And Chanyeol loved him too; he had proved it and shown his feelings clearly. He couldn’t tear his heart and break him apart. But on the other hand, he had a dream, one that had accompanied him for years and that meant the world to him. How stupid was it to chose between the two? Wasn’t there a way to consolidate the two together?

Baekhyun couldn’t bring himself to detach himself from Chanyeol, so he laced his hands with his boyfriend’s, eyes shaky as they were locked with Kwang Seok’s ones. Chanyeol seemed to have sensed his discomfort, which resulted in him leaving a kiss at the corner of his lips and holding his hands back warmly. Baekhyun’s body was stiff and he could hear his heart beating wildly in his chest, feel his blood circulating at incredible sleep as he was scared of betraying his band members in a way by acting selfishly. However, the other man didn’t give any hard look or feeling away as he flashed him a kind smile and looked at the other members.

“I hope you enjoyed the show, Mr. Kim. We had a lot of fun tonight!” Jongdae exclaimed, a little bit overwhelmed by his numerous drinks, but somehow easing the atmosphere that had suddenly changed when the other man laughed wholeheartedly.

“I did! You were all fantastic. You own the stage and the audience as well. I couldn’t get my eyes off you at all.” The musicians laughed with him and thanked him for the praises. All the while, Baekhyun sought any kind of comfort from Chanyeol’s warmth as he was still tensed from the whole situation that left him completely over the edge. “Which leads me to make an offer. One of the main jazz bands of the program for the festival has an opening act. Unfortunately, the group that was supposed to open for them canceled because of personal reasons and the organisers are now looking for another band to replace them. I was captivated by your group, so I would like to formally ask you to take that position and perform the opening act and have a place in the festival’s lineup for this season.” The man fished a card out of his pocket and handed it to Baekhyun while looking him straight into the eyes, “it would be an honour for me and the team to have you as a part of the festival this year.”

Baekhyun’s eyes widened in realisation. He froze for a moment before unlacing his fingers from Chanyeol’s and taking the card with both hands, bowing and thanking him. Baekhyun observed the organiser, but the man didn’t seem fazed at all as his gaze didn’t seem to hold any judgement. The next minutes were spent by conversing with the man, exchanging contacts while the bar was empty. As soon as the man left, the group was silent for a while before they cheered in complete glee, everyone hugging and not believing what had just happened. Baekhyun felt an intense rush of adrenaline flow in his veins as the past event replayed in his mind. This couldn’t be real, they were taking a step towards their dream and paving their career into the jazz scene.

“Jun! You plotted all of this? Is that why you were acting strange?” Sehun almost shouted as he was as excited as the musicians.

“Was I that obvious?” Junmyeon replied nervously. “I didn’t plan any of it, but Mr. Kim arrived about 30 minutes before the performance and he asked me about you guys and introduced himself to me. I knew he was there all along for the rest of the night, but I didn’t want to stress you out with this so I didn’t say anything about him.”

“Holy fucking shit! We’re playing at the Seoul jazz festival! Guys, that’s insane! Thank you so much Junmyeon! And I love you guys so much! So fucking much!”

Instead of leaving Cloud 9, the band stayed, celebrating the wonderful night in Wonsik’s company who congratulated them and shared this special moment with them, insisting on telling them that they deserved it. Baekhyun couldn’t believe what had happened, couldn’t process any of it as it seemed surreal. But everything wasn’t the work of his alcohol influenced mind or his imagination; Kim Kwang Seok’s business card was truly there, in his pocket, the man waiting for them to give him a call as he had also mentioned being in contact with a major jazz label based in Seoul that could be interested in them as well and that had the possibility to take them under their wing. Baekhyun was fighting tears of pure joy the whole time as he drank some more with his dearest friends, gazing at everyone with pure pride and fondness. At that moment, he felt like he was the luckiest person on Earth; he was surrounded with extraordinary people, outstanding musicians and the greatest friends he could have ever asked for.

After a while, Baekhyun felt rubs on his shoulders, “Hey, Baek. Can you come with me for a second?”

“Mmm? Yes, of course.”

Baekhyun left his friends and followed Chanyeol who led him towards the kitchen where all prying eyes wouldn’t disturb them. Baekhyun was pulled to the wall and before he could even process any kind of information, lips were on his, moving slowly and deeply as he was caged and couldn’t do anything else but kiss the soft yet slightly rough lips back. Baekhyun’s body automatically reacted as he was completely rendered powerless in Chanyeol’s presence, who was passionately kissing him and stealing his breath away. He completely gave himself away as Chanyeol’s tongue claimed his without any restraint, hands hugging crumpled pieces of clothes and curves warmly. They made out for a while, alternating between pecks in search of occasional breather and fervid kisses, the two men swept away by the emotions crashing onto them and rejoicing their warm bodies that were never close enough to fully satisfy them. They eventually managed to pull their mouths away from each other, faces still touching and foreheads resting against the other as Chanyeol was looking straight into his eyes, mouth hovering over the other. Baekhyun’s arms circled his lover’s neck and he ran his fingers in Chanyeol's short curls that were stuck on his nape as he held him close, still overwhelmed and breathless.

“Congratulations. I don’t know anyone who deserves this more than you and the group. You worked so fucking hard for years and everything ended up being fruitful. I am so fucking proud of you.”

“You aren’t mad or-”

“Stop worrying about my reactions, Baek. I’m fine. And I have also been a dick for the past few weeks, but I am genuinely happy for you. Believe me in this. I’ve been restraining my tears the whole fucking time, if it can make it more convincing.”

Baekhyun could see how honest Chanyeol was and how much effort he was putting into their relationship the past week. He couldn’t do anything else but smile and nod. “Me too,” Baekhyun said, eyes getting fogged with tears as he still managed to hold them even though they were still threatening to spill. Chanyeol's intense gaze remained locked on his for a moment before he gently pecked his eyes and held him tightly, hands slowly caressing his back in the process, making Baekhyun tremble from the sensation and pure care of the rough masculine hands on his body.

“Also, thank you,” Chanyeol said, both men breathing heavily as Baekhyun cupped Chanyeol’s jaw and stroke his nape, mesmerized by Chanyeol’s eyes for the hundredth time that day.

“What for?”

“I think I know what happened earlier when we hugged in front of Kwang Seok. You were nervous about us acting like that in front of him right?”

“I was...there’s no need to hide it. Yes, you’re right.”

Chanyeol put his hands on Baekhyun’s waist, massaging it and his lower back, making Baekhyun melt under the motions while keeping their eye contact, “I am sorry I didn’t consider your feelings. Just because I don’t give a fuck about what others think of me for loving a man doesn’t mean I have to force it on you. I am apologising a lot lately, huh? I am so sorry, I-”

“Hey, don’t worry, you did nothing wrong.”

“I still feel bad. But...you still held me in the end. That means a fucking lot, Baek. A fucking damn lot.”

Baekhyun captured his lover’s lips while flushing their bodies even closer to each other, Chanyeol pushing him more strongly against the wall as he reciprocated the actions as intensely as Baekhyun. “I told you I wouldn’t leave you.”

Chanyeol chased Baekhyun’s mouth hungrily and pecked his lips in between his words, his breath warm and unsteady as he was feeling like a magnet attached to the other man, unable to keep his entire being from him. “I also realised something lately.”

“What is it?” Baekhyun asked with a grin as he liked a drunk Chanyeol, which meant that he was more talkative and spouted his thoughts even more than usual, although he was surprisingly quite eloquent. Maybe he hadn’t drank as much as him, but he could taste the alcohol in his mouth. His mind was a bit too fogged and overwhelmed by the news, the man embracing him, or just everything to care at that moment. Baekhyun thought that he was more drunk over Chanyeol's entire being that was showering him with love than the glasses he emptied.

“I might need you and love you, depend on you like I wouldn’t be anything without you, but even if you’re my anchor, I’m the sailor of the ship. I need you, but I also depend on myself and in the end, I am the guiding light to my life. I have believed ever since I met you that you were the sailor, but in the end, I am, and no one else.”

Baekhyun smiled against Chanyeol’s lips, grabbed his hair and looked him straight into the eyes, freeing his bun and letting his hair fall, messy and incredibly seductive, before trailing his fingers in his locks. “You can’t imagine how proud I am of you. And you are absolutely right.”

Chanyeol looked at him as intensely, eyes hooded by both the alcohol and his feelings, crashing like waves in a storm, “Why didn’t you tell me all these things if you knew them?”

“Because they hold more value when you figure it out yourself.”

With every word spoken, with every gaze locked and movement of their bodies against the other, their mutual desire floating in the air rose at the speed of lightning, leaving them with raw yearning in all its meanings. The couple’s mouths met endlessly and fervently, their bodies were glued to each other against the wall, their hands caressed every part about the other they could and the sound of their breaths and tongues meeting created an uneven and asymmetric music, hypnotising and addicting.

“I hope you don’t mind it, even though I couldn’t care less right now, but I am going to be selfish and steal you away from your friends for a moment.”

Baekhyun grinned and pulled Chanyeol even more strongly against him, “I don't plan on letting you go either.”

The lovers allowed themselves to drown into their deepest desires, nourishing their bond that always seemed to prove them wrong when they thought they could never feel closer or fall deeper for each other. Through all their kisses and caresses, the unspoken words and touches that plunged them deeper and deeper into what transcended anything they had known and developed before, they believed that maybe their love could bloom even more and that every journey in each other’s company would be the most fulfilling ones.

 

[Lee Morgan - Gary's Notebook](https://youtu.be/4Q3ecCC_X1g)


	25. Chapter XXI

“How about this one? What do you think?”

“They all look the same to me.”

“But they aren’t. We need to compare the fees and see which one would fit your situation and needs more. I personally think that the previous one was more suited for you.”

“If you say so.”

Minseok sighed deeply in desperation, “Chanyeol, I’m doing this for you. I know that you hate school and everything around it, but we’re talking about your future right now, your life.”

“I know...but I hate the fact that a mere school influences that.”

“I understand how you feel, I know you enough and have seen a whole lot of things to get how you feel, but since you wanted to get your diploma, we’re here to make it possible, alright? Make some effort and at least evaluate which school you like the best out of the bunch. There aren’t a lot anyway. I can’t decide for you, I am not the one who will attend it.”

Chanyeol shifted on the chair, taking a better position on the furniture instead of keeping his arms and legs crossed in too much of a laid back manner for the task he was doing with Minseok. He really hated having to browse through the internet for schools that offered online programs, but it was his idea in the first place. He had decided to get his diploma for once and for all, but without having to go to school grounds, which would most likely be an adult school, but it still bothered him. It was too much of a bother and he didn’t have the heart to having to go to classes with other students and all that shit, no matter what their age would be. He was past that and not mentally prepared for it. Having to physically attend classes was not an option either way, considering the fact that he would have to cut at least half of his shifts at the bar to attend these classes since they were only offered at night. As much as he wanted the diploma, he couldn’t afford such a thing. Registering for online classes was the best option for him and there were some schools that solely offered online classes too, which would be more adapted for him. Chanyeol also hated the idea of depending on a paper for his future plans, but his hate for it wouldn’t lead him nowhere. He was talking from experience.

As a result, there he was, in his home, with Minseok by his side and coffee mugs on the table while they were sitting in the kitchen, looking through various websites on his laptop. This wasn’t Chanyeol’s ideal Saturday, but he couldn’t help but be moved that Minseok chose to spend his day off with him only to help him instead of doing other things that were probably more important than that. Minseok had always been a lifesaver; the least he could do was to cooperate for once. With that resolution in mind, he scooted closer to the older man and looked at the three websites that were open, the ones that Minseok had selected and narrowed down while Chanyeol had absentmindedly agreed without listening much to the descriptions his friend had recited to him. He snatched the mouse from Minseok’s hold and scanned the websites with more attention than earlier, ignoring the grin on his friend’s face he could see from sideways. Stepping on his ego was never an easy and pleasant thing.

It turned out that Minseok was right; the second school seemed to be the best option for him. The fees were quite high, but not as much as the two other ones and the website looked quite neat and organised. The programs seemed to cover the essentials as well. Chanyeol wasn’t too sure about which criterias to look for before making a choice and was truthfully kind of lost, but he trusted Minseok enough.

“Shit, Chanyeol, look here. You can’t register for this autumn’s semester, we’re too late. The deadline for the inscriptions was two weeks ago.”

“It’s okay, it will give me more time to prepare myself mentally for it.”

As much as he wanted to do this, Chanyeol couldn’t hide the fact that it stressed the hell out of him. The mere thought of having to do assignments and go to back to school wasn’t appealing in the slightest. But it was a sacrifice to do if he wanted to eventually go to university in a jazz program. Not a single establishment would accept him for as long as he wouldn’t have graduated from high school; it was one of the most important requirements, to his dismay. But it was also quite ironic for someone who wholeheartedly hated school in general to voluntarily enroll in one and to even consider studying in a university. Chanyeol couldn’t deny that it felt very strange and it was hard to do something that was entirely against his principles, but he figured that if he wanted to step up as a musician, being an autodidact wouldn’t be enough; he wanted to reach higher points, to go further and know everything he could about jazz and his instrument. University seemed to be the only option that would lead him where he wanted to be and if it meant that he had to make sacrifices for it, he would have to comply. Trying wouldn’t hurt anyway, even though it was quite an arduous task for him. The mere idea of going to school again repulsed him to no end.

“We can still contact the school and gather more information about it in the meantime. From what I can see, it should take you a year to complete your missing classes and have your diploma.”

“Can I still start at the winter semester though? I don’t know if they only accept students from the autumn one.”

“That’s a good question. We’ll have to check that.”

Minseok and Chanyeol browsed through the internet more thoroughly for the next hour or so until they headed towards Cloud 9. The weather warmed up the past days, although the wind was still chilly, and the cherry blossom season had already started. On the ride towards the bar, Chanyeol thought that it would be nice to spend some time outside with Baekhyun, to watch the flowers in full bloom and in tranquility. He was sure that he would love it. It was a busy season and tourists flooded the parks, but Chanyeol knew a couple of isolated spots that would be perfect.

“What is making you smile like that?”

Chanyeol regained his senses and looked at the older man who was grinning at him as they were on a red light, Minseok having a hand on the steering wheel while the other was lazily draped on the car door to his side. Chanyeol averted his eyes and looked at the intersection instead, “nothing.”

“Right, I think I have an idea. Isn’t it a certain man whose name starts with a ‘B’ and is playing in the main jazz group of Cloud 9?”

“Can’t I just smile without having a specific reason or person behind it?”

“You never do that. Don’t lie to me,” Minseok added, enjoying teasing the taller man a little bit too much to his taste. But Chanyeol wouldn’t complain; it had been way too long since he had hung out with his friend and it truly felt great to be in his company. He had missed Minseok a lot the past months. Giving phone calls and sending a couple of text messages was satisfying, but nothing could compare to meeting him face to face.

The rest of the ride towards the bar was punctuated with some small talk, the two friends exchanging words about this and that. It was cozy. When they arrived at the bar, Minseok was warmly greeted by the group who was rehearsing, the musicians delighted to see their friend after a long time. Minseok always had the power to make the nights in his company some of the most memorable ones in their own way, be it through his playing when during the jam sessions or simply because of him, a man that had caught everyone’s heart and whom everyone loved dearly. It might have been because they couldn’t see him often, but his mere presence was always uplifting.

However, after a moment, Chanyeol noticed the presence of an unfamiliar man that was behind the bar counter with Junmyeon and Jongin, wearing the same kind of attire as them. After eyeing the stranger curiously, Chanyeol recalled what Junmyeon had told him a week ago, something about looking for a new employee that would join them since he thought that they were short handed. A little bit of additional help wouldn’t hurt. When the friendly reunion was over, the owner introduced the man to them. “Guys, this is Taemin, our new employee. He will start his first shift tonight under my care. Jongin and Chanyeol, when you’ll have your shifts with him, Sehun included, naturally, you will also assist him and give him some tips and help if needed, alright?”

“Of course! He’s already great though,” Jongin added.

Taemin smiled, “I already have experience as a bartender. I was also a chef in another place, an izakaya not too far away from here.”

“That’s right, he already has the fundamentals, so it should be easy for him to adapt to this kind of environment.”

Since Taemin had already introduced himself to the other men, Chanyeol and Minseok greeted him and welcomed him in the team. Chanyeol liked their current small team and wasn’t too sure about what to think of someone new joining them. He just hoped that Taemin was nice and wouldn’t hinder the mood of the bar, one of the only places that made him feel safe and allowed him to fully be himself and accepted for who he was. But he had to admit that he was a little bit enthusiastic about getting to know someone new. Junmyeon had only said good things about him, so he was intrigued.

“Do you play jazz, Taemin?” Minseok asked while Junmyeon placed a couple of plates in front of Minseok, the other men instantly eyeing the freshly prepared food with great interest.

“No. Actually, I don’t know much about jazz, but I don’t dislike it.”

Minseok hummed, “I hope you’ll like it here then. It’s a really nice place,” he added with a smile.

“Are those new recipes?” Yixing asked.

“Yes, I am thinking of adding them to the menu soon, but I need your validation first.”

“Awesome! Can we taste it too?”

“Hands off, Baekhyun! Minseok is here to taste it first. But you can have a bite too, having more than one opinion is more than welcomed.”

With these words said, Minseok and everyone else proceeded on tasting the potential new additions to the menu, everyone giving their thoughts and a few suggestions to improve the dishes. The rest of the afternoon was pleasant; the group only rehearsed for a short while before talking with the new employee, who proved to be a nice guy. Chanyeol learned that he was only a few years younger than him and that he enjoyed extreme sports, which was one of his greatest hobbies. Taemin shyly told a couple of adventures he had while on a few unusual trips, which instantly caught everyone’s attention. Jongin, Yxing and Kyungsoo seemed to get along with him a lot and Chanyeol had to admit that he liked the guy so far. Working with him didn’t sound bad.

The hours they spent together flew by quickly and the bar was already welcoming its first customers, Taemin and Jongin taking care of them and all the tasks required to do. While Chanyeol was chatting with Minseok, he felt a presence behind him and hands massage his shoulders. “How did it go for the school hunt? Did you find something interesting?”

Chanyeol leaned his head backwards until it rested against the chest behind him. He gazed into Baekhyun’s eyes before letting his eyelids close in comfort as the smaller man continued to softly massage his shoulders. “Well, we found one that could be interesting.”

“Mmm? Am I hallucinating? Chan implying that a school is ‘interesting’? I’ve seen everything now.”

Chanyeol scoffed, “don’t take it too far. It was painful enough to look through these websites.”

“But it was worth it, no? Now you have a better idea of what to expect,” Minseok replied.

“That’s right. And I’m really proud of you for even taking this step.”

“Why is everyone saying that they are proud of me all the time these days?”

“Because we are. Don’t pretend you dislike being praised like that, Chan, we all know you do deep inside.”

Baekhyun leaned down and kissed Chanyeol’s forehead before flashing him a smile, Chanyeol not even having the strength to talk back as his words truly pulled his heart strings in the best way.

“You’re planning on going to uni afterwards, right? Do you already know where?” Kyungsoo asked, the band members all standing by the counter as well.

“Probably the one where Minseok is teaching and where my friends go.”

“And since you already met the jazz guitar teacher there, it will make it easier for you to enter.”

Chanyeol furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, Baekhyun’s hands now resting on his shoulders as the taller’s head was still against his chest. “What do you mean by ‘it will make it easier for me’?”

“Having connections is an advantage when entering a program. If the teacher already knows you and takes a liking to you and your playing, you have greater chances of being chosen after the audition,” Jongdae explained. “Of course, there are other aspects to take into consideration, but if the teacher already knows you and appreciates you, there are higher chances that you’ll make it through.”

“What the fuck? So there would be a possibility for me not being picked just because no guitarist in uni would know me? That’s fucking bullshit!”

“That’s how it works. You either have connections, or you don’t.”

“That’s disgusting. Makes me want to reconsider my decision of going there.”

“Chan,” Baekhyun said in an attempt go redirect his attention towards something else, which failed.

“Fucking school system. Everyone is biased. No wonder why there’s so much shit going on-”

“Chan, calm down, it’s alright.” Baekhyun’s hands circled his torso and he kissed the top of his head soothingly. Chanyeol surrendered a little bit at the comforting action, his hands resting on top of Baekhyun's.

“It’s just- it’s already so hard for me only to think about registering in school again and now I learn about this kind of information? I don’t want to be accepted in a program because of connections; I want it to be because of my skills and potential, nothing else.”

“They don’t choose students solely because of connections. It’s just an aspect that adds to it. It only increases your chances, nothing more. I know what all of this means to you and how infuriating it makes you feel, but don’t let it drag you down or even stop you from possibly reaching your goals or dreams. You’re way better than that.”

Baekhyun looked into his eyes as he pronounced these words, making Chanyeol’s blood and nerves cool down a little bit while Baekhyun embraced him affectionately. It would surely take him a while to go past his hatred towards anything related to the school system. It would be much harder than he had thought. Staying at a safe distance from it was bearable, but now that he was stepping in the territory, it made him lose all of his landmarks. He felt like he was thrown into a tiger’s nest.

The band eventually went on the stage and Chanyeol had the pleasure to watch their performance by Minseok’s side, chatting occasionally with Taemin and asking what he thought of the bar so far. While Chanyeol was waiting for the newcomer to give him a glass of beer, he scanned the crowd, enjoying the sight of the jazz enthusiasts focused on the music and bobbing their heads to it. He had to look twice towards a specific person who was sitting alone on one of the tables at the far back of the place, the man’s gaze on the four men playing on the stage. The customer looked familiar, but he couldn't quite put a name to his face. Chanyeol squinted his eyes in concentration for a moment and his breath hitched when he recognised the man; it was Lu Han. Chanyeol’s nerves instantly started to be agitated. It looked like he still hadn’t made peace with his past yet since he still had the urge to punch the fuck out of him. As if on cue, Lu Han’s eyes met his.

“Chanyeol, have you-,” Minseok looked at the direction Chanyeol’s eyes were set on and didn’t finish his sentence, his body freezing as well. “Wait, is that Lu Han?”

“I think I’m going to take a breather outside for a minute, Minseok,” Chanyeol breathed out while staring at the singer, neither of them breaking their eye contact.

“Should I come with you?”

“No, it’s fine, thanks. I’ll manage on my own. Hopefully.” It took all of Chanyeol’s energy to breathe properly and control himself. A primal side of him was begging for him to tear the other man apart and give him what he deserved, yet another side of him was urging him to keep his head cool and to not act without thinking. He was so conflicted and taken aback that he had no clue how he should react. He still held pure grudges towards Lu Han; he could still remember his facial expression when Lu Han left him at the coffee shop after announcing that he was kicked out of his own band. Lu Han; a man he had trusted enough to share a certain friendship with him, a man he had appreciated regardless of the things he disliked about him, a man he had shared a part of his life with and who broke his trust and bond with a few words. He wasn’t ready to face him. He didn’t know when he would be, but it certainly wasn’t that moment.

When Chanyeol was about to get up, Lu Han was already walking towards him and reached him in no time. “Can we talk for a moment?”

Chanyeol didn’t spare any time to retort back, his instincts showing its fangs without thinking twice, “is that a real question? Because I’d rather not.”

“It won’t be long. Please, I really need to talk to you.”

“Why are you asking me that if it’s not even an option?”

No matter how disturbed Chanyeol was, Lu Han truly seemed distressed and he couldn’t ignore that. Maybe hanging out so much with Baekhyun made him softer than he had thought. The intruder sighed, “look, I get why you don’t want to see me, but I swear, I won’t bother you for long. I just want to share a few words with you, nothing more.”

Chanyeol stared at him, trying his hardest to control his blood that was boiling at the sound of his voice alone, but he nodded, his body as stiff as a plank, thinking that the sooner he would get rid of him, the better. The two men exited the bar under Minseok’s wary stare and Taemin’s questioning eyes. When they were outside, Lu Han took a cigarette out of his pocket and offered one to Chanyeol, who not so politely declined. Lu Han then lit his cigarette, inhaling the smoke and making Chanyeol miss consuming it for a fraction of a second. Chanyeol took a step back and repeated a few calming words in his head in order to at least control his nerves that were over the roof.

“I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry about what we- about what I’ve done to you.”

Chanyeol stayed silent while watching the passersby walk in the neighbouring streets, opting for keeping his mouth shut instead of saying things he would definitely regret, although he wouldn’t feel bad that much since Lu Han would deserve it.

“The band is...the band is a mess. Yi Fan has taken the position of leader, Minho had an overdose the other day, thank God he is alright, and Zitao might go back to China soon. Yi Fan is already thinking of replacing him and already has his eyes set on someone. I thought these two were best friends, but they have been quarrelling a lot and it’s shit. The band is a real joke without you.”

“If you’re asking me to go back with the band, my answer is no.”

“That’s not what I am saying. I’m just- fuck, I don’t even know what I want to say.” He ruffled his hair, letting smoke go past his lips and nostrils. “What I mean is that I miss you and that I am sorry for having treated you the way I did back then. It’s been on my mind the whole time and I can’t live with this weighing on my conscience.”

“You didn’t seem to feel that way though.”

Lu Han took another breath on his cigarette and didn’t say a word for the next seconds, seemingly bothered and nervous. “I did think that you deserved it, that’s true. You were seriously an asshole during that time and we were all tired of dealing with you. I thought you deserved everything we did and said to you, but I felt so guilty about it. Because as much as I was convinced that you deserved it, I was wrong. And then I understood that no matter how much of an ass you could be, you still didn’t have to go through all of that. We stepped even lower with what we’ve done. And I am sincerely sorry about treating you like shit and throwing you away. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. And after seeing you and that guy in the bar, the one who was hanging out with you at that time, right? After seeing you so happy and getting along with a bunch of people that are definitely way better than I, Yi Fan, Zitao or anyone else can ever be, it makes me think that maybe I shouldn’t regret the outcome of my actions. Because as much as I regret giving you that kind of treatment, I am relieved that it managed to give you space for something else, something way better.”

“Are you saying that I should be grateful about you guys stealing my dream away from me?”

“Your dream wouldn’t have been achieved with our band, Chanyeol. As I told you, it is crumbling like powder right now. I am not happy either. I also thought that our band would lead me towards something formidable, but I was wrong. And while I was constantly thrown from left to right ever since you left- or rather ever since we kicked you out, you have found a better place. The band is shit without you because you would have led it way better than Yi Fan is doing at the moment. But I am glad I checked up on you because seeing you so happy and free makes me think that maybe throwing you out was a good thing. Take it as you wish; it might be selfish of me to use that to my advantage so I can feel less guilty, but I do care about you in the end.”

Chanyeol processed all the information Lu Han had shot him, which shocked him, to say the least. Only then he turned around and peeked at the man standing a few feet away from him, cigarette in hand and expression holding serious trouble and sadness. He had no idea what Lu Han had been through ever since they stopped contacting each other, but Chanyeol couldn’t help but be curious about him. Had Lu Han always been distraught in this way? If it was the case, was Chanyeol too self centered to have the decency to catch it all this time? Maybe he did deserve the treatment the guys gave him. However, one word had caught his attention in Lu Han’s speech. “What do you mean by me being ‘free’?”

Lu Han breathed out slowly, “it means what it means. The band was trapping you, that wasn’t a secret. There are reasons why you were mad a lot of times; you weren’t satisfied and we just made it harder for you.”

“It’s impossible to be free in our society. It’s impossible to be freed from anything; there’s always something or someone tracking our asses, like someone is up there, watching us and scheming all kinds of shit to put in our way so we can get dragged down in a second when we finally manage to feel great. What is freedom anyway?” Chanyeol looked at the sky and exhaled deeply before turning around and looking at the sign flashing ‘Cloud 9’ boldly.

“Freedom...it isn’t just a matter of shackles and a perfect society. Isn’t it a feeling? Isn’t freedom more than what a dictionary can explain? It’s something inside of us. And you have it.”

Chanyeol’s eyes were unfaltering as he kept gazing at the sign of the bar while listening closely to Lu Han’s words. He reflected about his journey, from the moment he stepped foot in the bar for the first time until that moment when he stepped out of it to talk with Lu Han, when he met Baekhyun and the other musicians, turning his world upside down and changing him like he had never suspected. The bar held so many memories, so many things that couldn’t be explained, only felt and shared. What Lu Han said resonated a lot within him as he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the letters. The meaning of freedom; it was something he had never seriously thought about since he met the jazz musicians. “Maybe I was chasing freedom in music in the end, since it is the only thing that makes sense. I couldn’t find it anywhere else but in music.”

“But you weren’t able to find it with us. You would never have.”

“I don’t know. But now that I think about it, no matter how tricky and a fucking puzzle jazz is, it gives me something close to that.”

“Are your friends able to do that too?”

Chanyeol grinned, his friends and boyfriend’s faces appearing in his mind. At that moment, he thought that freedom might directly be linked with love, in all its forms. “Yes. I think so. If that’s how freedom feels like, if everything I went through with them and what they provided me with is how I feel, which is the best I’ve ever felt in my life, they do.”

“Then continue like that. Don’t screw that up. You only realise how precious it is when you lose it.”

Chanyeol looked at Lu Han, who had his gaze lost in the distance, set on nothing in particular. They stayed silent for a moment, the only sounds being the crowd of people walking in the busy streets of Hongdae, some pop songs clashing from far away coming from the various stores and Lu Han’s drags on his cigarette. They didn’t exchange a single word until he finished smoking, crushing the cigarette bud on the ashtray and stuffing his hands in his pockets. Chanyeol was truly curious and as much as he wouldn't say it out loud, he was also worried. The more he watched Lu Han, the more he could feel his anguish and it stirred him with pure concern.

“How have you been doing?”

Lu Han scoffed, almost inaudible at how weak he had let it out, “I would like to say ‘great’, but it would be a lie. ‘Alright’ would be an exaggeration.”

“Are you still in the band?”

“Not for long. My girlfriend dumped me and I can’t stand the guys anymore. I can’t stand our lifestyle. I want to start anew. The rock scene might not have been made for me in the end. It’s a shame that I realised it too late. I’m planning on quitting being a singer and finding a job somewhere; anywhere. ”

“Where exactly?”

The other man chuckled bitterly, expression truly broken, “I don’t know. It could be to clean the dumps in the streets, work in a fast food restaurant or wipe windows of malls. No one would want me anyway, with no diploma and a not so charming cv. I don’t care what I’ll do, I just want to get away from everything.”

“Watching people not even bothering to spare you a glance because they think your job isn’t valuable will be efficient to make you get away from that?”

“Not really, but it’s better than what I have now, that’s for sure. When alcohol doesn’t keep your mind away from your thoughts anymore, nothing can be worse. You have to look somewhere else. I’m tired of hanging out in bars and see my friends shoot themselves with substances that takes their lives away.”

Chanyeol stiffened at that statement. Was Lu Han having it that bad? How many friends did he lose while he wasn’t by his side? Did Lu Han become alcoholic? He was one of the only guys who managed to control his consummation in their circle. Chanyeol felt a pang in his heart and unwanted feelings crept in him at the memories of his past with the band, even way before that.

“Don’t look at me like that, I don’t need pity from anyone. I just want a better life. It’s so simple yet so hard to reach. Maybe I could travel and leave this country for good, or move in with my parents in China. They have a business back home that I never wanted to do. Maybe they were right when they told me it would be the path that would lead me to a great future, no matter what they consider as being one.”

Silence engulfed the two men yet again as Chanyeol didn’t know what to say to him. He was truly surprised and broken by the news. He went through similar situations and he knew too well that what Lu Han was going through was absolutely awful. But he felt powerless and had no idea how he could help. Having the desire to help him in the first place felt strange. He wanted to strangle the man only a few minutes ago, but now he was already sympathetic. It was an unusual and unpleasant feeling. Was that how Baekhyun had felt when they first met?

“Anyway, I’m not here to have your pity. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I want to turn a new page in my life and finding you looked like something that would help me with that. And I also wanted to see how you were doing. I’m glad I did because I can at least feel great about something. Maybe a mistake of mine turned out being not that bad in the end. I’m not asking for forgiveness, just an ear to listen to me.”

“I hope you’ll be in a better place soon.”

“I hope so too. Anyway, I'll be taking my leave now. It was great to see you again after such a long time.”

“I can’t say the same, but I am glad we could have that talk.”

Lu Han laughed, more genuinely this time, “you’re still the Chanyeol I know, huh? As straightforward and blunt as before. You can change whatever you want about you, but please always stay true to yourself. You’re still a great guy and have always been deep down.”

Chanyeol smiled as he watched Lu Han’s eyes lit up a little bit, catching the most life he could get from the man standing in front of him. His expression void of any joy or life was disheartening. He truly looked fragile and vulnerable.

“Until next time, if we meet again,” Lu Han extended his hand in front of Chanyeol, the latter eyeing it before taking it, the two men shaking hands.

“Stay safe.”

“I’m trying. God or whatever could exist knows I am.”

They eventually parted ways and Lu Han didn’t look back as he walked away from the bar, leaving the taller man behind in his own thoughts. His steps were slow and his body didn’t hold any of the confidence it used to have; Lu Han was lost and shattered. He became a man swimming in a never ending sea, with nonexistent lands and not enough strength to pull it through. Chanyeol knew at the back of his mind that it was a farewell and that they probably wouldn’t meet again and it somehow left him empty. A wave of emotions he couldn’t grasp or put a name on crashed onto him and he stayed outside for a while, the chilly breeze caressing his clothes in swift movements as he digested everything that had happened, plunging him into the depths of himself and his past, as well as the present and the future that had been lingering in his mind.

 

 

⋯⋯⋯⋯ ◇ ⋯⋯⋯⋯

 

The next morning, Chanyeol was sitting in a taxi, backpack at his feet and Baekhyun’s fingers laced with his. Chanyeol played with his lover’s fingers and squeezed his hands from time to time, sometimes glancing at each other, other times watching the scenery by the window as they were riding through the streets of Bucheon. The sun was exceptionally blinding, the weather warm and not a cloud in sight as the clear blue sky announced that the summer wasn’t that far, but the sun wasn’t as blinding as the smaller man’s smile. Baekhyun humming the melody of either a song he couldn’t recognise or an improvisation of his own, filled the space of the car, colouring it with his beautiful and rich voice, which lulled Chanyeol into a deeper state of joy, although he couldn’t really be at peace at the thought that they would reach Baekhyun’s childhood home in only a few minutes.

Chanyeol rolled the window at his side down, the wind making his hair follow the direction of the taxi riding too fast for it to not exceed the speed limit of the small neighbourhood. The knots in his stomach weren’t eased, even with Baekhyun’s thumbs drawing circles on the back of his hand. He was looking forward to the next three days that would be spent at the woman’s home he had yet to meet in Baekhyun’s company, but he was extremely nervous about meeting her. He had never left good impressions with the parents of his friends or acquaintances he had met before, and the thought alone of meeting his boyfriend’s mother was making him anxious. However, on the way to the home he would stay at for the next days, he saw a couple of cherry blossom trees and a park, which appeased him a little bit. His plan of admiring the trees with Baekhyun had great chances of coming true.

However, when the car slowed down and stopped in front of a small and friendly house, Chanyeol’s nerves were at their peak. Baekhyun handed a bill to the driver and took his belongings while exiting the car. Chanyeol did the same and soon enough, they were standing at the doorstep. Chanyeol could clearly hear his heart beating loudly against his chest, his whole body pulsating in unison. What if his mother wouldn’t like or approve of him? What if he would ridiculise himself? What if he would be kicked out and his mother would prohibit them from dating? Baekhyun wouldn’t do what his mother would ask of him if she would tell him to dump him, right? What if he would mess everything up?

“I can see the wheels turning in your head, Chan,” Baekhyun exclaimed cheerfully, too lightly for his liking. Chanyeol gulped audibly, seriously considering making a run for it. The taxi might have left, but he could run when he had the will for it. “My mom will definitely like you, don’t worry. She likes strong headed people, usually. My father was like that.”

“But, what if-”

Baekhyun chuckled and put an arm around Chanyeol’s waist, pulling him against his side, and nuzzled the crook of his neck before leaving a series of light pecks, tickling Chanyeol’s skin and giving him goosebumps at the sensation. “Everything will be fine, trust me. After everything I told her about you, she clearly told me that she was excited to meet you and that she already likes you.”

Chanyeol stared at the door in front of him and the car in the driveway that surely belonged to the owner of the house. He held Baekhyun against him, bringing the smaller man’s head closer to his neck while threading his fingers in his hair, gathering any source of comfort his lover provided him with. Baekhyun smiled against the crook of his neck and gave another light peck, Chanyeol humming in contentment as he progressively calmed down in his lover’s embrace. Suddenly, he heard barking coming from the house, making him jump in surprise. His eyes widened at the realisation that the dog had sensed their presence and at the same time shortened his time on dwelling over the matter of ringing the bell or not since Baekhyun’s mother would surely come at the door anytime now. “Fuck, I can’t run away now, can’t I?”

Baekhyun pulled Chanyeol’s head down and connected their foreheads while gazing lovingly into his eyes, his smile radiant and oozing so much comfort and happiness that it melt Chanyeol on the spot. But his heart rate that had abruptly escalated enabled him to focus on the man in his arms, making the task rather difficult. Nevertheless, Baekhyun leaned his face and gently captured his lips with his, kissing him softly and making Chanyeol’s knees weak, their lips moving slowly and delicately. Baekhyun then put a hand over the taller man’s chest, feeling his animated heart beat wildly. “I’ll always be by your side, remember?” he whispered when he parted their lips, leaving a quick peck before freeing himself from his embrace and resting his hand on the small of Chanyeol’s back, leading him closer to the front door, barks still coming from the other side of it.

At that moment, Chanyeol couldn’t help but think about what Lu Han had said and all the things that were in his mind ever since the previous evening, about his past, himself and his journey ever since he met the jazz musicians and nourished his passion for the genre, which only kept growing as he learned more and more about it. When the door started to crack open, with the sun proudly shining in the sky and the flowers blooming in the unfamiliar streets, Chanyeol realised that what he had always wanted wasn’t what he was convinced it was all this time. What he had always wished for and needed deep down was a family. A family consisting of his dearest friends, his job and the man he loved, a home he could return to whenever he wanted, people who loved him for who he was, with all his strengths and flaws, people who guided him towards a brighter path. He had been chasing blindly all of his life until now, chasing after fleeting things or some kind of relief, chasing after certain feelings that were out of reach because he wasn’t in the right mind for it, consumed by rage and disdain, by revolt and pure hatred. He wasn’t in the right circle and wasn’t aware of the nature of the things he was hopelessly searching for, things that he had discovered and learned while standing by his friends and lover’s side. He still wasn't fully quite out of there yet, but his world wasn't only painted black; it had various openings and colours, each of his friends having painted his world and given their own touch to it, tearing his walls down and broadening his horizons he now had the eyes to see.

At that moment, as he was standing by Baekhyun’s side, he felt truly lucid in spite of his overly animated heartbeat, and he realised that unlike a couple of months ago, he had harboured and found his home, in not only Junmyeon’s house or the bar, but in his peers’ presence. He had found a place and people he belonged to. He still had tons of things to learn, a long and rocky road ahead of him; he was well aware of it. He learned that he was the craftsman of his own life and that Baekhyun, as well as his friends, had showed him the tools to use and let him craft his own way. And Chanyeol believed that the one he was walking towards was a great one; one he had faith in.

But in all of that, he had found what he needed the most and what was the most important; he had found his family. Maybe not by blood, but by soul.

 

[Stan Getz & Charlie Byrd - Jazz Samba](https://youtu.be/w7VGpKdX3f8)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone, my friends, my supporters, the people who were by side all the while on this journey with this story; my deepest, sincere gratitude.
> 
> After working for almost a year on Cloud 9, I am posting the last chapter. I started working on this story when I learned about my friend’s birthday back at the end of July/start of August, thinking that it could be a good gift and that dedicating it to her would make her happy. And Pat, you are the first person I want to thank; thank you for reading the chapters every week, for giving me such kind and honest words, for encouraging me during the toughest times while I was writing some chapters, and thank you for your support, Pat. I hope you enjoyed the gift ❤
> 
> I also want to give my deepest gratitude to my beta, Arrow. I have been sending you my chapters every week since about a month before I started to post it, which means back in November, and while you were busy and had other writers to beta their work for, you still always managed to correct my chapters on time and never complained about your workload, that I immensely contributed to add to it, and you always gave me your precious feedback and kind words that encouraged and motivated me a lot during this whole journey. Without your trust and support, I doubt I would feel the way I do right now and I can’t thank you enough for that. You were the pillar to my fic, one of the people that helped me the most and no words can express how grateful I am, not only for your constant hard work, but your sincere words and love.
> 
> Talking about the last sentence, it also applies to you, Melon. First of all, I want to thank you for making this fantastic cover for my fic. I wouldn’t be able to ask for a better cover. It really illustrates and represents the story and the main characters well. You truly grasped the essence of it and I couldn’t be happier. I also want to thank you for being a constant supporter and giving me all the love and feedback you could. You gave me a helping hand when I needed it and you never failed to support me and shoot your sweetness whenever you had the occasion to do so. It was truly appreciated and it means the world to me. I can't express how grateful and how moved I constantly am at your kind words. I thank you wholeheartedly. 
> 
> Also, I want to thank one of my best friends, Flo, who have always been as hyped as me about the fic since the very beginning and who did the first edits at the start of my chapters. Going to the jazz bar that inspired me and fueled my inspiration with you was truly a memorable experience. Spending time with you talking about jazz, sharing our newest discoveries, our talks about you buying a trumpet someday and our fangirling about Chet Baker was delightful, and still is. You were also of great help when I needed it and I can’t thank you enough for that. Thank you for everything and more than that. We will never say it enough, but I don’t know what my life would have been without you. I love you ❤️
> 
> Lastly, I want to thank from the bottom of my heart the people that made this experience worth it and truly meaningful; you, readers who went on this journey with me, who either left a trace behind, who told me their thoughts and appreciated the result of my hard work, or simply read it. I can’t deny it; it was a rollercoaster of emotions to write this story. I poured my heart and soul, a part of me that is greater than anyone could think, and to have you guys walking by my side on this journey is truly the best thing a writer or an artist could experience. There were times when I didn’t want to write, there were times when I couldn’t keep my hands away from the keyboard while typing my ideas away, there were times when I doubted everything about this story and the characters, but you guys were there and were my main motivation to continue and finish this fic. I never planned on this fic to reach 21 chapters. I never planned on this fic to reach such depths and have so many details and hidden meanings and symbolisms in it, but I don’t think I would have done it in any other way. Without you guys, this whole project wouldn’t have been possible.
> 
> So thank you, each and everyone of you, for everything you have done. Because you may not be aware of it, but you all gave me a little something through your actions and words.
> 
> It means the world to me and no words can truly make justice to what I feel.
> 
> Cloud 9 came to an end, and with these words as well as a lot of emotions, I am thanking you again, everyone, and I wish you the best. Take care of yourselves ❤️


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